UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
DAVIS 


MIRANDY 
EXHORTS 


"I  HAVE  SEED  DE  BEARDED  WOMAN  AND  DE  LIVIN' 
SKELETON  " 


Mirandy  Exhorts 


By 
DOROTHY  DIX 


Illustrated  by 
E.  W.  KEMBLE 


THE     PENN      PUBLISHING 

COMPANY    PHILADELPHIA 

1922 


LIBRARY 

OF  CALIFORNIA; 

DAViS 


Made  in  the  U.  S.  A. 


COPYRIGHT 
1922  BY 
THE  PENN 
PUBLISHING 
COMPANY 


Mirandy  Exhorts 


Contents 

AUTOMOBILES 9 

THE  DISCOURAGEMENTS  OF  PHILANTHROPY  17 

THE  NEW  CUBE  FOR  NERVES    ...  25 

MIRANDY  ON  WIDOWERS   ....  33 

VALENTINES 40 

POST  MORTEMS 51 

MATRIMONY  AND  MONEY  ....  60 

BABIES 67 

LOVERS'  CATECHISM 75 

OLD  WIVES  FOR  NEW         ....  83 

MEN  AND  THE  DOMESTIC  ART  ...  92 

HYPNOTISM  OF  LOVE 102 

THE  HAPPINESS  CULT        .        .        .        .109 

EUGENICS 117 

ON  KEEPING  YOUNG 126 

LONG  ENGAGEMENTS 135 

THE  AMENITIES  OF  MATRIMONY        .        .  143 

THANKSGIVING 151 

WOMEN 160 

KOMANOE     ....                        .  167 


CONTENTS 

ADVICE  TO  BRIDEGROOMS  .  .  .  .177 
TELLING  YOUB  TROUBLES  .  .  .  .185 
THE  MONOTONY  OP  DOMESTICITY  .  .  193 

KISSING 200 

DIVORCE 208 

MAKING  THE  BEST  OF  THINGS  .       .       .217 

SILENCE 224 

THE  STUDY  OP  MANKIND  .  .  .  .232 
THE  MOTHERS'  UNION  .  .  .  .240 

How  MEN  PROPOSE 247 

OUR  NEIGHBORS 254 

THE  PRICE  OF  FREEDOM     .        .        .        .261 

ADVICE  TO  MOTHERS 269 

THE  BLESSINGS  OF  TROUBLE      .       .       .276 

WIDOWS 284 

KNOCKING  YOUB  IN-LAWS        .  .    293 


Illustrations 

PAGE 

"  I  Have  Seed  de  Bearded  Woman  and 

de  Livin'  Skeleton  "      .        .        .   Frontispiece 

"She  Still  Wants  de  Arm  of  de  Man  She 

Loves  Aroun*  Her  " 45 

"  Widout  de  Eight  to  go  Through  His  Clothes 

for  Small  Change  " 138 

"  Cou'se  no  Woman  J  Specs  Much  Manners 

From  Her  Husban' "          .        .        .        .198 

"  He  Picks  Out  de  Fluffiest  Bunch  of  Dry 

Goods  He  Can  Find  "  234 


Mirandy  Exhorts 


AUTOMOBILES 

PLEASUM,  does  you  know  whar  a  fust-class 
wash-lady,  whut  puts  plenty  of  elbow  grease 
into  her  wuk,  can  git  anodder  turn  of  washin' 
to  do? 

Nawm,  my  ole  man  Ike,  he  ain't  got  sick, 
nuther  is  done  lost  his  job,  but  we  done  got  a 
ortymobile,  and  when  you  gits  a  ortymobile 
you  suttenly  is  got  a  call  to  git  busy  an'  hustle 
out  to  suppo't  hit. 

Yassum,  I  specs  de  ortymobile  is  de  mother 
of  industry,  lak  de  Good  Book  says,  an'  hit 
has  done  mo'  to  cure  dat  tired  feelin'  dat  a  lot 
of  folks  is  bawn  wid  dan  all  de  spring  medi 
cine  on  de  'pothecary's  shelves,  for  whilst  a 
[9  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

man  might  throw  up  his  han's  an'  say  dat  he 
couldn't  make  enough  money  to  take  care  of 
his  wife  an'  chillun  on,  he  will  wuk  his  fingers 
to  de  bone  to  git  de  money  to  run  his  ortymo- 
bile. 

An',  my  gracious  goodness,  de  way  a  orty- 
mobile  eats  up  de  spondulicks  sholy  am  a  scan 
dal!  Hit  takes  mo'  to  keep  hit  in  shoes  dan 
hit  would  forty-leven  pairs  of  twinses,  ef  ev'y 
one  of  'em  had  as  many  feet  as  a  centipede. 

Yassum,  dat's  so,  caze  I's  been  dere  and  I 
knows.  We  ain't  got  nothin'  but  one  of  dese 
heah  Tin  Lizzies,  wid  a  bum  lung,  whut  is 
tooken  wid  a  shortness  of  breath  when  hit 
tries  to  climb  a  hill,  but  when  I  sees  how  much 
hit  takes  to  run  dat  contraption  I  most  gits 
run  over  in  de  street,  tryin'  to  figger  out  how 
many  billion  dollars  a  yeah  one  of  dem  blue 
chariots  costs  whut  de  millionaires  rolls 
aroun'  in. 

Cou'se  I  never  did  spec  to  set  in  a  ortymo- 
bile  myself.  De  closest  acquaintance  I  ever 
expected  to  have  pussonally  wid  ortymobiles 
was  to  dodge  'em,  so  I  suttenly  was  taken  on 
de  onsurprise  when  Ike  come  home  one  day 
an'  say  dat  he  was  a-thinkin'  'bout  buyin'  one. 
[  10  ] 


AUTOMOBILES 

"  De  Ian'  of  Goshen,"  I  'sclaims,  "  but  you 
suttenly  must  have  lost  yo'  mind !  You  know 
we  can't  afford  one !  " 

"  Of  cou'se  we  can't,"  'spons  Ike,  "  but  bein' 
able  to  afford  a  ortymobile  ain't  got  nuthin' 
to  do  wid  havin'  one,  or  odderwise  de  output 
of  de  ortymobile  factories  in  de  United  States 
wouldn't  be  seven  million,  four  hundred  thou 
sand  machines  a  yeah.  Dere's  sca'cely  any 
body  dat's  got  a  ortymobile  dat  can  affo'd  hit. 
Dey  tells  me  dat  de  reason  dey  makes  'em  go 
so  fast  is  so  dey'll  be  des  one  lap  ahead  of  de 
bill  collector." 

"  But  whar  is  you  gwine  to  git  de  money  to 
pay  for  hit?  "  I  axes  him,  and  den  Ike,  he  say 
dat  dis  ortymobile  he  was  gwine  to  buy  was  a 
second-han'  one,  and  de  man  was  gwine  to  sell 
hit  to  him  on  time,  and  den  I  give  up  de  fight. 
For  Ike,  he's  one  of  dese  heah  folks  dat  you 
could  sell  a  fur  overcoat  to,  to  wear  to  a 
Fourth  of  July  picnic,  ef  you'd  sell  hit  on  de 
installment — fo'  dollars  down,  and  fo'  dollars 
to  pay  ev'y  Saturday  night  de  balance  of  yo' 
life. 

But  whilst  I  felt  hit  my  duty  as  a  good  an' 
faithful  wife  to  warn  Ike  against  de  folly  of 
[11] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

buyin7  dat  ortymobile,  I  didn't  put  ray  foot 
down  good  an7  flat,  lak  a  woman  does  when 
she  means  business,  and  is  gwine  to  make  a 
rough  house  onless  her  husban7  hearkens  to 
her  words  of  wisdom.  In  my  secret  soul,  I 
was  a-honin7  after  dat  ortymobile,  too,  an7 
thinkin7  how  I7d  fling  de  dust  on  dat  uppity 
Mandy  Jones  when  we  drove  a  honkin7  past 
her  house,  an7  how  I  never  would  have  to  take 
a  back  seat  agin  and  set  lak  I  was  dumb  when 
Sis  Araminty  began  a-braggin7  7bout  dem  two 
major  operations  she7s  done  had  and  de  time 
she  stayed  in  de  horspital,  becaze  I  could  des 
sorter  casual  bring  in  a  few  remarks  7bout  my 
car,  an7  how  many  miles  we  made  on  de  last 
run,  an7  odder  topics  lak  dat,  dat  makes  folks 
whut  is  got  ortymobiles  so  interesting  to  deir- 
selves. 

Yassum,  I  reckons  folks  gits  as  much  fun 
out  of  talkin7  7bout  deir  cars  as  dey  does  in 
ridin7  in  7em,  an7  dat  de  princ7plest  reasons 
dat  ev7ybody  tries  to  buy  one,  is  just  so  dey 
won7t  have  to  listen  to  odder  folkses  tell  7bout 
how  gran7  an7  wonderful  deirs  is.  I  suttenly 
is  sorry  in  any  company  for  dem  people  whut 
ain7t  got  no  chillun,  and  no  ortymobile,  and  so 
[  12  ] 


AUTOMOBILES 

ain't  got  no  way  to  git  even  wid  de  folks  what 
has.  Dey  suttenly  is  po',  pitiful,  defenseless 
critters. 

Hit's  curious,  dough,  ain't  hit,  how  different 
things  looks  when  you  is  doin'  'em — or  bein' 
done  by  'em?  Now  befo'  we  got  our  ortymo- 
bile  I  used  to  think  dat  de  cops  ought  to  run 
in  ev'ybody  in  a  car  dat  was  gwine  mo'  dan 
two  miles  an  hour,  and  dat  dey  ought  to  make 
de  cars  stop  whilst  de  folks  zigzagged  across 
de  street  in  de  middle  of  de  block.  An'  I  was 
all  for  lynchin'  de  ortymobilists  whut  knocked 
down  a  woman  whut  got  off  a  street-car  back 
wards,  an'  walked  right  into  a  machine  dat 
was  comin'  her  way  whilst  she  said  good-bye 
for  de  forty-eleventh  time  to  some  woman  she 
was  talking  to. 

But  now,  whilst  I'm  a  sashayin'  aroun'  in  a 
car  myself,  I  wants  to  put  on  de  speed  and 
split  de  road  open  at  fifty  miles  an  hour,  an'  I 
thinks  dat  folks  oughtn't  to  be  allowed  to 
walk  on  de  street  an'  interfere  wid  de  drivin', 
an'  when  I  heahs  dat  a  ortymobile  is  run  over 
anybody,  I  says  hit  serves  'em  right  for  not 
bein'  quick  enough  to  git  out  of  de  way. 

Yassum,  ortymobiles  suttenly  does  have  a 
[  13  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHORTS 

curious  effect  on  yo'  disposition.  An'  mo'  spe 
cially  on  de  disposition  of  men.  Dere's  some- 
thin7  in  a  ortymobile  dat  changes  a  man  whut 
is  as  meek  as  a  lamb  at  odder  times  an'  places 
into  a  roarin'  lion  goin'  'bout  seeking  whom  he 
may  devour. 

Now  dere's  Ike.  When  we's  at  home  a-set- 
tin'  aroun'  our  own  stove  in  de  winter,  or  on 
our  own  front  porch  in  de  summer,  Ike,  he's 
as  mild  a  mannered  man  as  you'd  meet  in  a 
week  of  Sundays.  An'  whilst  I  ain't  one  to 
boast  of  henpeckin'  my  husban',  I  will  say  dat 
I  sorter  rules  de  roost  in  dem  diggin's,  an'  dat 
he  speaks  to  me  polite,  and  don't  dast  make  a 
sneak  for  de  lodge  ef  so  be  I  is  got  my  eye  on 
him.  Yassum,  he  suttenly  am  a  good  house- 
broke  husban'  at  home. 

But  des  let  us  git  out  on  de  road  in  dat 
ortymobile,  and  let  anything  go  wrong  wid  hit, 
an'  him  git  out  an'  git  to  tinkerin'  wid  hits  in- 
sides,  an'  hit's  as  much  as  yo'  life  is  wuth  even 
to  ask  him  whut  he  thinks  is  de  matter  wid 
hit.  De  way  he  growls,  an'  swears,  an'  snaps, 
an'  snarls  at  de  wife  of  his  bosom  is  enough  to 
raise  de  goose-flesh  on  yo'  bones. 

An'  as  for  talkin'  to  a  man  when  he's  put- 
[  14  ] 


AUTOMOBILES 

tin'  a  tire  on  a  wheel,  dere  ain't  no  women 
dat's  foolhardy  enough  to  try  dat  but  oncet. 
Dat's  why  you'll  notice  dat  de  ladies  in  de 
fambly  is  always  gatherin'  flowers  by  de  way 
side,  or  communin'  wid  nature  in  silence, 
whilst  de  man  is  lookin'  lak  bloody  murder 
a-tuggin'  at  de  wheel. 

An'  nutherino'  is  hit  safe  for  a  woman  whut 
ain't  ambitious  of  figgerin'  in  a  divorsch  case, 
or  as  de  corpse  in  a  funeral,  to  pass  out  any 
remarks  to  her  husban'  'bout  de  way  he  is 
drivin',  or  tell  him  which  turn  of  de  road  to 
take. 

He  may  be  glad  enough  to  have  her  spres- 
sify  herself  'bout  his  business,  and  to  have  her 
pick  out  his  clothes  for  him,  an'  he  may  lean 
so  hard  on  her  good  horse  sense  dat  he  never 
makes  a  move  widout  her  advice,  but  when  he 
gits  in  a  ortymobile  all  dat  is  changed,  and 
hit's  up  to  her  to  set  still,  an'  sing  low  ef  she 
wants  to  keep  de  peace. 

Yassum,  ortymobiles  suttenly  does  have  a 
gran'  moral  influence  on  wives,  an'  dey's 
raisin'  up  a  lot  of  married  women  dat's  gwine 
to  make  dat  Patient  Griselda,  whut  you  was 
tellin'  me  'bout,  look  lak  a  sassiety  flapper. 
[  15  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

Yassum,  if  you  wants  a  picture  of  a  meek 
wife  wid  a  tongue  between  her  teeth,  who  das- 
ent  speak  ontel  she's  spoken  to,  des  look  at  de 
lady  in  de  back  seat  of  de  next  ortymobile  you 
passes.  Dere  ain'  no  thin'  but  knowin'  dat  she 
looks  lak  a  million  dollars  dat  pays  her  for  all 
de  things  dat  she's  thinkin'  and  bottlin'  up 
inside  her. 

And  ortymobiles  has  a  fine  moral  influence 
on  men,  too.  Anyway,  a  man  whut  has  to 
suppo't  a  ortymobile  most  ginerally  ain't  got 
no  money  to  suppo't  any  odder  vice.  An', 
furdermo',  his  wife  knows  whar  he  is  when 
she's  wid  him,  and  when  he's  drivin'  he  can't 
be  cuttin'  his  eyes  aroun'  at  yaller  gals  in 
high-water  skirts,  whut  don'  weigh  mo7  dan 
half  of  whut  his  wife  does. 

Yassum,  a  ortymobile  suttenly  is  a  gran' 
invention.  De  only  objection  I'se  got  to  hit 
is  dat  I  can't  set  on  de  fence  and  see  myself 
ride  by  in  mine. 


[16] 


THE  DISCOURAGEMENTS  OF 
PHILANTHROPY 

"  I  •'SPECS  dat  de  reason  dat  dere  ain't  no 
folks  whut  is  good,  an'  kind,  an'  generous  is 
becaze  you  can't  be  good,  an'  kind,  an'  gener 
ous  oncet,  an'  den  be  done  wid  hit.  Ef  you 
start  hit  you've  got  to  keep  on  bein'  good,  an' 
kind,  an'  generous  until  you  is  busted  as  flat 
as  a  pancake,  an'  wo'  out  to  skin  an'  bones. 

"  Yassum,  I  don't  know  nothin'  dat's  mo' 
discouragin'  dan  hit  is  to  be  good  to  folks. 
Ef  you  knocks  a  pusson  down  an'  tromps  all 
over  him,  he  lets  you  alone  an'  lets  you  live 
yo'  life  in  peace  an'  comfort.  But  ef  you  tries 
to  help  a  pusson  up  on  his  feet,  he  des  hangs 
hisself  aroun'  yo'  neck  lak  a  millstone,  an'  you 
got  to  tote  him  along  de  balance  of  yo'  days. 
[  17  ] 


MIRANDY        EXHORTS 

"  Hit  looks  lak  dat  when  you  helps  anybody 
oncet  dat  dey  ought  to  be  grateful  enough  to 
you  to  let  you  be,  an'  hold  up  somebody  else 
de  next  time,  but  dey  don't.  Dey  des  feels  lak 
dat  you  is  deir  meat  dat  a  merciful  Providence 
done  pervide  for  deir  suppo't,  lak  de  Lawd 
done  send  dat  manners  in  de  wilderness  for  de 
chillun  of  Israel ;  an'  so  dey  don't  never  let  up 
on  nibblin'  on  yo'  pocketbook. 

"Dat's  whut  makes  folks  sorter  'fraid  to 
wipe  de  tears  from  de  widow's  eyes,  an'  turn 
a  cold  shoulder  on  deir  po'  relations.  Dey 
would  be  glad  enough  to  chip  in  oncet  wid  a 
few  scads,  or  hand  out  a  few  meals  ef  dat 
would  be  de  end  of  hit,  but  well  dey  knows  dat 
hit  won't. 

"  Dey's  done  been  dar  befo',  an?  dey  knows 
by  sperience  dat  ef  you  ever  invites  any  of 
yo'  po'  kin  to  dinner  dey'll  des  make  a  free 
hotel  of  you  ever  after,  an'  dat  ef  you  pays  de 
rent  one  month  for  a  widow  she'll  des  hand  de 
job  to  you  for  keeps,  an'  think  you  is  a  mean, 
stingy  ole  thing  becaze  you  don't  board  her  at 
de  Waldorf. 

"  Yassum,  de  Bible  sholy  is  a  mighty  smart 
book,  for  don't  hit  tell  you  dat  when  you  does 
[  18  ] 


PHILANTHKOPY 

good  not  to  let  yo'  right  hand  know  what  yo? 
left  hand  does?  Dat's  becaze  ef  you  does  you 
ain't  never  gwine  to  git  yo'  left  hand  out  of 
yo'  pocket.  Ev'ybody  you  does  a  good  turn  to 
thinks  dat  one  good  turn  deserves  anodder, 
an'  dat  you's  got  to  keep  on  repeatiii'  de  per 
formance,  an'  dey  walks  over  you,  an'  gives 
you  de  laugh  becaze  you  ain't  got  no  mo'  back 
bone  dan  to  be  a  door-mat  wid  WELCOME 
printed  on  hit. 

"  Yassum,  I  knows  whut  I  is  talkin'  about, 
for  I's  done  been,  an'  gone,  an'  got  my  dose, 
an'  de  next  time  I  does  good  to  anybody  I's 
gwine  to  put  on  a  false  face,  an'  gum  shoes, 
an'  wrap  a  sheet  aroun'  me,  so  dey  can't  tell 
who  I  is;  an'  I's  gwine  to  slip  aroun'  an'  do 
good  in  de  middle  of  a  dark  night  when  dere 
ain't  no  moon,  so  dey  can't  locate  me  for  a 
easy  mark  dat's  got  dis  doin'  good  habit  fast 
ened  on  me. 

"  Wellum,  hit  sho'  am  a  strange  thing  dat 
you  inherits  a  case  of  affliction  de  ve'y  minute 
you  tries  to  relieve  hit.  You  des  wishes  hit 
on  yo'self,  den  an'  dere,  so  you  can't  get  rid  of 
hit.  Now  dere's  ole  Sis  Sabitha,  whose  hus- 
ban'  done  run  off  wid  a  peart  yaller  gal, 
[  19  ] 


MIRANDY        EXHOBTS 

learin'  her  wid  f  o'  small  cMllun,  an'  de  rheu- 
matiz,  an'  de  misery  in  her  back,  mo'  dan  fif 
teen  yeahs  ago.  Sis  Sabitha  suttenly  was  in 
a  pitiful  state,  an'  bein'  as  how  I  ain't  one  of 
dem  folkses  dat  takes  out  deir  sympathy  in 
sheddin'  a  few  tears  in  a  clean  pocket  hand 
kerchief,  I  des  retched  down  de  ole  teapot 
from  de  shelf  an'  took  out  de  money  dat  I  was 
a-savin'  up  to  buy  me  a  new  frock,  an'  paid 
Sis  Sabitha's  rent. 

"  Well,  Sis  Sabitha  sholy  did  spressify  her 
self  as  bein'  grateful  to  me,  but  how  did  she 
prove  hit?  Did  she  say  dat  Sis  Mirandy  done 
done  her  part  noble  by  me,  an'  now  I'll  git 
somebody  else  to  pay  de  next  month's  rent? 

"Nawm,  dat  she  didn't.  She  says  to  her 
self  dat  Sis  Mirandy  will  pay  my  rent  ruther 
dan  see  me  an'  de  chillun  flung  out  in  de 
street,  an'  so  I'll  des  use  de  money  dat  I  can 
git  from  odder  folks  in  some  odder  way.  An' 
dat's  whut  she  done,  an'  from  dat  day  to 
dis,  I's  been  a-inchin',  an'  a-pinchin',  an' 
a-schrinchin'  to  help  along  Sis  Sabitha,  who 
feels  lak  she's  got  a  puffect  right  to  dip  into 
my  puss  becaze  I  was  good  to  her  in  de  fust 
place. 

[  20  ] 


PHILANTHROPY 

"An'  dere's  Tilly  Ann.  Tilly  Ann  is  a 
young  mother  wid  a  whole  litter  of  babies,  an' 
I  sholy  did  feel  sorry  for  her  bein'  tied  down 
to  de  house  wid  'em.  So  I  tell  her  dat  some 
day  when  she's  a-honin'  to  take  a  little  walk 
an'  refresh  herself,  to  bring  de  twinses  over  to 
my  house,  an'  I'd  mind  'em  for  her  for  a  hour 
or  two. 

"  Tilly  Ann,  she  say  hit's  mighty  kind  of  me 
to  offer  to  lend  a  hand  in  carin'  for  'em,  an' 
she  sholy  do  appreciate  hit.  Wellum,  how 
you  think  Tilly  Ann  show  how  thankful  she  is 
to  me?  By  dumpin'  dem  twinses  down  on  me 
ev'y  day  ontel  you'd  think  dat  I  was  runnin'  a 
orphan  asylum. 

"  Co'se  I  wouldn't  mind  takin'  care  of  her 
brats  oncet  in  a  while,  but  ef  I'd  a  knowed 
whut  I  was  a-lettin  myself  into,  I'd  a  kept 
si'ent,  an'  let  her  wrastle  wid  her  own  baby 
proposition. 

"An'  as  for  borryin',  hit  suttenly  would  be  a 
privilege  ef  you  could  help  a  friend  out  oncet 
wid  a  few  dollars  when  he  was  in  hard  luck, 
or  ef  you  could  now  an'  again  let  a  sister  in  de 
chu'ch  have  de  use  of  yo'  cake-pan,  or  lend  her 
yo'  new  cut  paper  pattern.  But  you  don't 
[  21  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOET8 

dast  do  hit  becaze  ef  you  starts  to  lend  hit's  a 
continuous  performance. 

"  Me  an'  Ike,  when  we  was  married,  we  was 
all  for  holdin'  out  de  helpin'  hand  to  ev'ybody 
about  us,  an'  de  fust  news  we  knowed,  dough 
we  was  both  a-wukin'  an'  a-savin',  we  was  'bout 
to  have  to  pass  aroun'  de  hat  for  ourselves. 
Hit  got  noised  aroun7  dat  we  was  too  kind- 
hearted  to  say  '  no/  an'  when  we  got  through 
bein'  good  to  odder  folks,  we  didn't  have 
nothin'  to  be  good  to  ourselves  on. 

"  Yassum,  ef  you  lends  a  pusson  a  thing 
oncet  dey  shows  deir  gratitude  by  borryin'  hit 
over  again,  an'  'bout  de  third  time  dey  borries 
hit  dey  thinks  hit  belongs  to  'em,  an'  dey  don't 
bodder  to  return  hit.  Dat's  why  folks  dat's 
got  good,  hard,  horse-sense  keeps  deir  money 
an'  deir  friends,  too,  by  never  lendin'  anything 
in  de  fust  place. 

"An'  hit's  funny,  too,  dat  you  can't  be  good 
occasionally  even  to  yo'  husban'  widout  ruinin' 
him.  Now  me,  I'd  lak  oncet  in  a  while  to  turn 
my  blind  eye  on  Ike,  an'  let  him  sidestep  a 
little,  an7  make  out  dat  I  was  asleep  when  he 
came  home  late,  an'  I'd  just  love  to  tell  him 
dat  I  think  dat  he's  de  finest  man  dat  ever 
[  22  ] 


PHILANTHBOPY 

come  down  de  path,  an*  I  mos'  bustes  wid 
pride  dat  lie  belongs  to  me. 

"  Bnt  I  dasent.  Ef  I  ever  let  up  an'  took  to 
spreadin'  de  salve  one  time,  I'd  never  git  him 
back  to  walkin'  de  chalk  line  agin. 

"  Nawm,  I  reckon  bein'  good  is  'bout  de 
most  discouragin'  thing  in  de  worl',  becaze 
when  you  start  hit  you  can't  stop  hit.  Folks 
won't  let  you. 

"  Yassum,  I  got  to  be  moseyin'  along  now. 
I  got  to  stop  by  Sis  Sabitha's  wid  a  few  dimes 
I  got  for  her,  an'  dis  new-fangled  remedy  for 
her  rheumatiz,  becaze  de  ole  lady  is  mighty 
painified  dis  wet  wedder,  an'  I  sho  is  got  her 
on  my  mind  when  hit  rains.  An'  I  specs  by 
de  time  I  gits  home  dat  Tilly  Ann  will  be  over 
wid  de  twinses,  which  am  de  cutest  little  skee- 
ziks  dat  you  ever  set  yo'  eyeballs  on,  an'  dat 
sho  is  gwine  to  be  tickled  wid  dese  heah  gum- 
drops  I's  a-takin'  'em,  an'  I  bet  Sis  Hannah 
Jane  will  be  a-waitin'  to  borry  dis  heah  fine 
hat  I  got  on,  whut  I  promised  her  I'd  lend  her 
to  wear  to  de  meetin'  of  de  Daughters  of  Zion. 

"  Yassum,  hit's  funny,  ain't  hit,  how  you 
gits  to  feel  so  close  to  de  folks  dat  you  is  good 
to  dat  dey  are  sort  o'  lak  yo'  own  fambly? 
[  23  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOBTS 

Dere's  times  you  feel  lak  lambastin'  'em,  but 
hit  suttenly  would  hu't  yo'  feelings  ef  dey 
went  to  anybody  else  for  help  after  you  done 
done  so  much  for  7em ! " 


[24] 


THE  NEW  CURE  FOR  NERVES 

AIN'T  hit  curis  how  des  'bout  de  time  dat 
folks  git  rich,  enough  to  git  a  ortymobile  dey 
lakwise  gits  nerves? 

You  don't  never  heah  'bout  no  po'  folks 
havin'  nerves.  As  long  as  you  has  to  hustle, 
an'  wuk,  an'  worry  'bout  de  price  of  po'k-chops 
an'  whar  de  next  meal  is  comin'  from,  hit 
seems  lak  you  ain't  got  no  organs  but  a  stom 
ach,  but  des  de  minnit  you  moves  over  on  Easy 
Street  an'  is  got  money  in  de  bank,  you  is 
tooken  wid  dis  heah  complaint  dey  calls  de 
nervious  prosperity. 

Maybe  nerves  is  de  way  de  good  Lawd  per- 
vides  for  de  doctors,  lak  he  work  dat  mericle 
about  de  fishes  de  Good  Book  tells  'bout.  Or 
[  25  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

maybe  nerves  is  des  a  sign  of  bein'  rich,  lak 
diamonds  is.  I  don't  know.  All  I  knows  is 
dat  de  minnit  folks  can  afford  nerves  dey  has 
'em,  an?  nothin'  don't  seem  to  be  no  cure  for 
'em  but  to  lose  deir  money. 

Anyway,  dat's  de  only  remedy  I  ever  see 
wuk  on  a  nervious  lady's  system,  an'  many  is 
de  one  dat  had  de  neurastheny,  dat  I  is  seed 
restored  to  health  by  havin'  to  git  up  an' 
tackle  de  wash-tub  when  her  husban'  died  an' 
left  her  wid  six  babies  an'  twinses  to  suppo't. 

But  hit  seems  lak  dere's  an  Eyetalian  doc 
tor,  whut  must  be  one  of  dem  doctors  whut 
thinks  dat  de  wuss  de  dose  is  de  better  hit 
wuks,  whut  has  done  diskivered  anodder  rem 
edy  for  nerves,  an'  dat  is  silence.  Las'  night 
Ma'y  Jane  was  a-readin'  'bout  hit  to  me  an' 
her  pa,  an'  dis  doctor  man  says  dat  de  reason 
dat  women  is  so  nervious  is  becaze  dey  talks 
too  much,  an'  he  promulgates  de  doctrine  dat 
ef  you  don't  want  to  be  nervious,  all  you  got  to 
do  is  to  shut  up,  an'  go  roun'  lak  you  is  got  de 
lockjaw. 

"  How  true  dat  is,"  sclaims  Ma'y  Jane,  as 
she  lays  down  de  paper,  "  for  de  clams  an'  de 
eyesters,  which  is  de  silentest  animals  whut 
[  26  ] 


THE         NEW         CUBE 

dere  is,  ain't  got  no  nervious  system  what 
ever  ! " 

"Huh!"  'spons  I.  "Dat  doctor  must  be 
one  of  dem  men  whut  talks  to  heah  his  haid 
rattle.  Anyway,  I  don't  take  no  stock  in  whut 
he  says,  for  I's  been  a-gabblin'  away  as  hard 
as  ever  I  could  for  mo'  dan  fifty  yeahs,  an'  I 
ain't  got  a  nerve  concealed  'bout  my  pusson. 

"  Maybe  hit  makes  a  man  nervious/'  says  I, 
wid  a  meanin'  glance  at  Ike,  "  to  talk,  an'  mo' 
'specially  to  talk  to  his  wife  an'  make  hisself 
agreeable  tellin'  de  news  he  has  heard,  instid 
of  sittin'  up  lak  a  sto'  dummy  wid  a  pipe  in 
his  mouth  of  a  evenin'.  Yassum,  maybe  hit's 
becaze  dey's  takin'  care  of  deir  delicate  ner 
vious  systems  dat  makes  husbands  dat  silent 
an7  glum  in  de  fambly  circle  dat  ef  a  graven 
image  was  set  up  in  place  of  one,  his  wife 
wouldn't  never  find  out  de  difference  so  fur  as 
conversation  went.  But  when  hit  comes  to 
women,  talkin'  don't  aggrefret  deir  nerves. 
Hit  rests  'em.  Deir  mouths  is  a  safety  valve 
through  which  dey  lets  off  deir  steam. 

"  Many  is  de  time  I's  been  dat  het  up  dat  I 
would  have  blowed  up  an'  bu'sted,  ef  so  be  I 
had  had  to  keep  my  f  eelin's  bottled  up  in  me 
[  27  ] 


MIBANDT        EXHOETS 

widout  bein'  able  to  spressify  myself  on  dem 
p'ints  which  had  raised  my  dander,  but  after 
I  lias  said  my  say,  I  cools  down  an'  is  des  as 
ca'm  an'  peaceable  as  a  May  mawnin'. 

"Naw,  sir,  hit  ain't  talkin'  dat  makes  a 
woman  nervious.  Hit's  keepin'  silent  dat 
does.  You  watch  out  for  dem  grum  women 
whut  don't  say  nothin'  but  des  sets  up  doin'  a 
lot  of  thinkin'.  Fust  thing  you  knows,  dey 
gits  up  an'  starts  a  ruckus  wid  some  lady  wid 
a  good  figger,  whut  ain't  mo'  dan  half  as  ole 
as  dey  is,  or  dey  pisens  deir  husbands.  But 
one  of  dese  heah  women  whose  tongue  is  got 
a  perpetual  motion  action  to  hit,  an'  whut 
talks,  an'  talks,  an'  talks — shoo,  a  man  can 
manage  her  wid  one  hand  tied  behin'  him. 
She  don't  do  nothin'.  She  jest  fizzes  out  in 
words. 

"  Yas,  sir,  I  sho  is  got  my  s'picions  of  a 
woman  whut  don't  lak  to  talk.  Dere's  some 
thing  onnatcheral  'bout  her." 

"  I  specs  dere  must  be,"  says  Ike,  "  but  ef 
you  is  ever  seed  a  woman  wid  yo'  own  eyes 
dat  don't  lak  to  talk,  you  sholy  is  out-traveled 
me.  I  ain't  never  had  de  pleasure  of  beholdin' 
one,  yit  I's  been  to  circuses  an'  I  has  seed  de 
[  28  ] 


THE         NEW         CUBE 

Bearded  Woman,  an'  de  Livin'  Skeleton,  an' 
de  man  wliut  writ  wid  his  toes,  an'  de  odder 
freaks,  but  dere  warn't  no  Silent  Woman 
amongst  dem,  dough  I  misdoubts  dere 
wouldn't  have  been  a  married  man,  far  or  near, 
dat  wouldn't  have  paid  out  good  money  for  de 
pleasure  of  seein'  her  an'  marvelin'  dat  such  a 
strange  critter  could  be.  As  for  me,  I  don't 
believe  dere  is  sich  a  animal. 

"  Howsomever,  old  lady,"  he  goes  on,  "  I 
don't  think  dat  you  gits  de  wharforeness  an' 
de  wharasness  of  dis  heah  Eyetalian  doctor's 
meanin'  when  he  says  dat  de  great  sovereign 
cure  for  nerviousness  is  for  women  to  quit 
talkin'. 

"  He  don't  mean  dat  for  women  to  shut  up 
will  cure  de  women  demselves.  He  means  dat 
hit  will  cure  deir  husbands.  Dis  ain't  no  fe 
male  perscription.  Hit's  a  remedy  for  men. 

"An'  right  dar  is  whar  I  takes  my  stand 
wid  dat  doctor  an'  holds  up  his  hands,  as  de 
hymn-book  says.  Yassum,  dat's  a  great  man 
wid  a  long  haid,  dat  doctor  is,  an'  he  done  put 
his  finger  right  on  de  trouble  an'  'splained 
why  so  many  po',  onfortunate  men  is  nervious 
wrecks.  Hit's  becaze  deir  wives  talks  too 
[  29  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

much,  an'  too  often,  an'  de  onliest  cure  for 
dem  men  is  for  deir  wives  to  cut  out  de  chin 
music. 

"  Yassum,"  continues  Ike  wid  a  mournful 
air,  "  dere  ain't  nothin' — no  risk,  no  danger, 
an'  no  nothin' — dat  can  make  a  man  so  ner- 
vious  as  his  wife's  tongue  can.  Hit  des  gives 
him  de  creeps  an'  sends  little  chills  chasin'  up 
an'  down  his  backbone  when  he  thinks  'bout 
hit. 

"  Yassum,  dat's  so,  an'  dat  ain't  all.  When 
I  is  a-thinkin'  'bout  steppin'  roun'  to  de  lodge 
to  spend  de  evenin'  wid  some  friends,  an'  jest 
as  I  reaches  for  my  hat  I  catches  yo'  eye  an' 
sees  you  sorter  beginnin'  to  wind  up  yo'  talkin' 
machine,  hit  makes  me  dat  trembly  wid  ner- 
viousness  dat  my  legs  gives  way  onder  me,  an' 
I  jest  sinks  back  into  my  chair,  whar  I  sets 
fast  till  bedtime.  'Tain't  dat  I  is  afraid  of 
you,  for  I'd  scorn  to  be  one  of  dem  po',  hen 
pecked  men  whut  don't  dast  peep  befo'  deir 
wives.  Hit's  des  dat  your  talkin'  makes  me 
nervious. 

"  An'  I  ain't  de  only  man  dat's  tremblin'  on 
de  verge  of  bein'  a  nervious  wreck  on  account 
of  his  wife's  talkin'.  You  jest  watch  any  man 
[  30  ] 


THE         NEW         CUBE 

you  lak,  an'  ev'y  time  lie  heahs  Ms, "wife's  voice 
he  jumps. 

"  Oh,"  says  Ike  in  a  sad  voice,  "  whut  a 
mournful  thing  hit  is  to  see  all  de  po',  mis'- 
able,  nervious  men  'bout  us,  an'  to  think  dat 
we  could  all  be  cured  by  de  silence  treatment, 
ef  only  our  wives  would  hold  deir  tongues." 

"What  would  you  do  ef  I  should  quit 
talkin'?"laxeslke. 

"  I  should  send  for  de  ondertaker,"  he 
'spons,  "for  I'd  know  dat  you  was  stone 
dead." 

"  Don't  worry,"  says  I,  "  for  I  ain't  gwine 
to  try  dat  silence  cure.  An'  anyway,  dere 
ain't  no  use  in  nobody  pesterin'  deir  minds 
'bout  tryin'  to  find  out  a  remedy  for  nerves, 
for  nerves  ain't  no  disease.  Dey's  a  graft. 
Dey's  de  best  excuse,  goin'  an'  comin',  dat 
anybody  has  ever  invented  for  doin'  dem 
things  whut  dey  wants  to  do,  an'  leavin'  un 
done  dem  things  whut  dey  don't  want  to  do. 

"  Ef  you's  got  nerves,  you  can  sass  people 
all  you  lak  to  an'  dey's  got  to  pity  you  instid 
of  swattin'  you  over  de  haid  for  whut  you  say 
to  'em.  Ef  you's  got  nerves,  you  is  well 
enough  to  go  to  de  movies,  an'  shoppin',  an'  on 
[  31  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

'scursions,  but  you's  too  sick  to  wash  de  dishes 
or  git  dinner.  Yassum,  hit  sho  is  a  cinch  to 
have  nerves. 

"An7  women  is  done  found  dat  out,  an'  dat's 
de  reason  dat  dem  whut  has  got  'em  hangs  on 
to  'em.  An7  no  doctor  ain't  never  gwine  to 
cure  'em,  nuther.  'Specially  by  wukin'  any 
silence  racket  on  'em." 


MIRANDY  ON  WIDOWERS 

"  DE  reason  dat  I  is  lookin'  so  grand,  all 
dolled  up  in  my  new  high-water  skirt  an' 
white  shoes,  is  becaze  I's  just  been  to  de 
weddin'  of  Maud  Gladys  Jones  an'  Br'er 
Simon  Johnsing.  Yassum,  hit  sholy  was  a 
scrumptious  'casion,  wid  de  mourners'  bench 
all  roped  off  wid  white  ribbons  for  de  bride 
groom's  fambly,  an'  de  hallelujah  corner  set 
aside  for  de  bride's  folks,  jest  lak  dey  always 
does  hit  at  white  folks'  weddings. 

"An'  whilst  we  waited  for  de  bridal  couple, 
Elviry  Hopkins  pawed  de  ivory  off  de  keys 
of  de  melodjum  a-playin'  'De  Voice  dat 
Breathed  o'er  Eden,'  an'  de  congregation 
passed  remarks  betwixt  deirselves  a-specu- 
latin'  on  how  Maud  Gladys's  pa  was  gwine  to 
[  33  ] 


MIRAETDY        EXHOETS 

git  de  money  to  pay  for  all  dese  heah  doings, 
an'  wonderin'  whut  made  her  want  to  tie  up 
wid  Br'er  Simon,  anyway. 

"Becaze  Maud  Gladys  is  a  mighty  pert, 
spry  young  gal  dat  de  men  has  des  been 
a-swarmin'  aroun'  like  bees  aroun'  a  honey- 
pot,  an'  hit  sholy  did  look  lak  she  done  gone 
through  de  woods  an7  picked  up  de  crooked 
stick  at  de  end  when  she  segasuated  up  de 
chu'ch-aisle  wid  Br'er  Simon,  whut  is  bald- 
haided,  an7  bowled-legged,  an'  runty,  an'  mea- 
sly-lookin',  an'  ain't  got  no  worldly  goods  to 
endow  a  wife  wid  except  a  ready-made  f ambly. 

" '  Cou'se  nobody  can  tell  whar  yo'  love  is 
gwine  to  fall,'  says  Sis  Tempy  to  me  wid  a 
sniff  behind  her  hymn-book,  'but  hit  looks 
mighty  funny  to  me  dat  Maud  Gladys's  ch'ice 
should  have  been  Br'er  Simon,  whut  is  mighty 
nigh  ole  enough  to  be  her  pa,  instid  of  one  of 
dem  fine  upstanding  young  bucks  dat's  been 
a-hangin'  aroun'  her.' 

" '  Hit's  becaze  he's  a  widower/  'spons  Sis 
Peruna.  ( Bey  tells  me  dat  widowers  totes  a 
conjure  bag  an'  a  rabbit's  foot,  an'  dat  when 
one  makes  a  pass  at  a  gal  dat  she's  jest  got  to 
git  up  an'  follow  him.' 

[  34] 


WIDOWEES 

" '  Dat's  de  true  word/  says  Sis  Tempy  in 
a  hollow  voice.  '  I  done  seed  hit  myself.  I 
done  seed  gals  done  give  de  go  by  to  all  de 
fine-lookin'  young  men  in  de  neighborhood  an' 
den  cast  in  deir  lot  wid  de  fust  po',  onery- 
lookin'  widower  wid  a  houseful  of  chillun  dat 
come  deir  way.  Yassum,  all  dat  a  widower 
has  got  to  do  is  des  to  take  his  pick  of  de 
women.' 

"  '  Dat's  so,'  'spons  Sis  Peruna,  *  dat's  de 
reason  dat  dere  ain't  no  word  of  comfort  in 
de  Scriptures  for  widowers  lak  dere  is  for 
widows.  De  good  Gawd  knowed  dat  dere 
warn't  no  call  for  'em,  'caze  a  widower  can 
comfort  hisself  any  day  dat  he  has  a  mind 
to.' 

" i  Widowers  sho'  is  de  boss  marriers,'  put  in 
Sis  Hannah  Jane,  '  de  highfalutin'  gals  an'  de 
rich  widows  is  des  marked  for  'em.  A  woman 
will  marry  de  kind  of  a  man  ef  he's  a  widower 
dat  she  wouldn't  look  at  ef  he  was  a  ole 
bachelor.' 

"  <  Hit's  de  conjure,'  says  Sis  Peruna  wid  a 
groan. 

"  But  I  knows  dat  hit's  becaze  ev'y  now  an' 
den  dere's  a  woman  whut  knows  a  good  thing 
[  35  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

when  she  sees  kit,  an'  dat's  de  reason  dat  she 
ties  up  wid  a  widower  whut  some  odder 
woman  is  done  wuked  herself  to  death 
breakin'  into  matermony.  For,  you  see,  a  man 
is  lak  a  horse — he  des  natcherally  shies  at  de 
halter,  an'  you  have  to  gentle  him  an7  conquer 
him  befo'  you  can  git  him  bridal-wise.  Dat's 
whut  makes  marryin'  a  man  whut  ain't  never 
been  married  befo',  an'  marryin'  a  widower, 
de  difference  betwixt  hitchin'  yo'self  'longside 
of  a  fractious,  balky,  kickin'  colt,  an'  a  good, 
quiet  ole  horse  dat  is  broke  to  double  harness, 
an'  dat  is  used  to  pullin'  mo'  dan  half  of  de 
load. 

"  One  of  'em  is  full  of  thrills  an'  trouble, 
an'  de  odder  is  full  of  rest  an'  peace,  an' 
havin'  yo'  own  way,  an'  dat  is  why  ev'y  woman 
dat  has  cut  her  wisdom-teeth  jumps  down  a 
widower's  throat  de  minnit  he  opens  his 
mouth  to  ax  her  to  be  No.  2. 

"  I  disremembers  ef  I  ever  heard  of  a 
widower  landin'  in  a  divorsch  co't.  Hit's  al 
ways  de  fust  wife  dat  has  to  ax  for  alermony. 
De  second  wife  gits  all  de  money  widout  axin' 
for  hit.  You  see,  when  a  man  marries  de  fust 
time,  he  thinks  dat  a  woman  is  a  angel  widout 
[  36  ] 


WIDOWERS 

no  nerves  nor  temper,  an'  dat  she  don't  need 
no  money  for  clothes,  becaze  shirt-waists 
grows  on  her  back  lak  de  pin-feathers  in  a 
sheriff's  wings,  an'  dat  all  de  fun  she  wants  is 
to  spend  her  time  cookin'  him  up  something 
good  to  eat,  an'  waitin'  at  de  do'  to  welcome 
him  home  wid  a  glad  sweet  smile. 

"  Dat's  de  flatform  dat  a  man  marries  on, 
an'  by  de  time  dat  he  gits  off  of  hit,  he  an' 
his  wife  have  fit  over  ev'y  inch  of  hit,  an' 
de  po'  woman  is  dat  wore  out  dat  she  turns 
up  her  toes  an'  dies. 

"An'  dar  is  whar  de  smart  woman  steps 
into  her  shoes.  De  man  is  sorter  had  his  sperit 
broke,  too,  by  de  warfare,  an'  he's  humble  an' 
meek,  an'  don't  know  near  so  much  'bout  how 
to  manage  a  wife  as  he  did  when  he  got 
married  de  fust  time.  But  de  main  pint  is  dat 
he  knows  women.  He  knows  dat  a  woman 
can't  keep  house,  an'  feed  de  fambly,  an'  buy 
clothes  widout  money,  an'  you  don't  heah  no 
widower  husband  a-axin'  his  second  wife  whut 
she  did  wid  dat  quarter  dat  he  give  her  week 
befo'  last. 

"  An'  de  widower  knows  dat  when  a  woman 
gits  out  of  bed  in  de  mornin'  on  de  wrong 
[  37  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

foot,  wid  lier  jaw  grumblin'  wid  de  neuralgy, 
an'  de  misery  in  her  back,  an'  she  kicks  de 
cat,  an'  slaps  de  baby  befo'  breakfast,  dat  hit 
ain't  no  time  to  pint  her  to  de  joys  of  religion, 
nor  make  remarks  'bout  folks's  temper.  Hit's 
a  time  for  a  man  to  sneak,  an'  he  beats  hit,  an' 
dat's  de  reason  dat  folks  always  says  how 
much  better  a  man  treats  de  second  wife  dan 
he  did  his  fust. 

"  An'  de  widower  has  done  learnt  by  'speri- 
ence  how  to  soft-soap  a  woman,  an'  how  to  git 
'roun'  her  angles,  an'  dodge  de  corners  of  her 
temper,  an'  not  answer  back  when  he  sees  dat 
she  is  got  hay  on  her  horns,  an'  dat's  why 
things  gits  along  wid  dem  lak  dey  was  runnin' 
on  greased  skids. 

"IsTawm,  he's  done  been  dere,  an'  dat's  de 
reason  dat  you  don't  heah  of  no  No.  2  wife 
havin'  to  set  up  of  a  night  waitin'  for  her 
husban'  wid  a  flat-iron  in  her  hand  an'  all  de 
things  whut  she  lays  out  to  say  to  him  jes' 
a-bubblin'  an'  a-sizzlin'  in  her  mind. 

"Dat's    how    widowers    can    marry    any 

woman  dey  want,  whedder  dey  is  ugly  an'  po', 

or  not.    Dey's  whut  dese  heah  insurance  folks 

calls  de  preferred  risk  in  materniony.    Cou'se 

[  38  ] 


WIDOWEES 

dere's  some  gals  dat  is  huntin'  for  trouble, 
an'  dey  picks  out  de  young  men,  but  de  smart 
women  takes  de  widower  whut  anodder 
woman  is  done  killed  herself  educatin'  so  dat 
hell  stand  widout  bein'  tied. 

"  My  lan?,  when  I  thinks  'bout  whut  a  gran' 
catch  my  ole  man  Ike  would  be  for  some  gal 
after  all  de  trainin'  I's  done  give  him,  an'  how 
well  he  could  marry  agin  ef  he  was  a  widower, 
I  feels  dat  hit's  as  mean  as  a  dog  for  me  to 
keep  on  livin'." 


VALENTINES 

DID  you  ever  notice  how  a  romantical  dis 
position  always  seems  to  go  wid  fat,  mo7  spe 
cially  in  women?  'Bout  de  time  a  woman 
quits  lookin'  lak  a  lady-love  an'  begins  to  look 
lak  a  feather  bed,  she  begins  to  hone  an'  pine 
for  soft  talk,  an'  for  somebody  to  hold  her 
hand  an'  tell  her  dat  she  suttenly  does  put 
'em  in  mind  of  de  Queen  of  Sheba. 

Yassum,  hit's  de  hefty  sisters,  wid  three 
chins,  dat  trimbles  wid  emotion,  dat's  full  of 
feelin'  an'  des  sloshin'  over  wid  sentiment. 
Dese  heah  livin'-skeleton  women  ain't  got  no 
heart.  Dey  is  all  bone. 

Whut  makes  me  say  dis  is  dat  yesterday  I 
had  a  visit  from  Sis  Vaseline,  an'  she  suttenly 
[40  ] 


VALENTINES 

was  low-down  in  her  mind,  an'  as  she  set  an' 
rocked,  ev'y  now  an'  den  she  fetched  a  groan 
from  de  pit  of  her  stomach,  dat  sholy  did 
make  hit  a  mournful  occasion.  I  tried  to 
cheer  her  up  by  bilin'  her  a  cup  of  tea  an' 
axin'  her  whut  ailed  her,  becaze  ef  you  wants 
to  give  a  woman  a  real  party,  all  you  got  to  do 
is  des  to  let  her  tell  you  her  troubles  widout 
you  relatin'  none  of  yo'  grievances  to  her. 

"  Sis  Vaseline,  ma'am,"  says  I  to  her,  "  I 
gathers  from  yo'  looks  an'  conversation  dat 
de  hand  of  de  Lawd  is  done  laid  heavy  on 
you." 

At  dese  words  Sis  Vaseline,  whut  is  a  pus- 
sonable  lady  lak  I  is,  whut  tilts  de  scales 
roun'  de  two-hundred-pound  mark,  commences 
to  shake  an'  quiver  lak  a  mountain  of  jelly, 
an'  den  she  bu'sts  into  tears  an'  sobs  into  de 
corner  of  her  apron. 

"  Oh,  Sis  Mirandy,"  she  'spons  in  sorrowful 
tones,  "  I's  a  broken-hearted  woman,  an'  ef  hit 
warn't  dat  I's  a  member  of  de  Daughters  of 
Zion,  in  good  an'  reg'lar  standin',  an'  ef  you 
warn't  so  mussy  after  you  has  been  run  over 
by  de  street-car  or  fished  out  of  de  river,  which 
is  a  orful  damp  way  to  die,  Sis  Mirandy,  an' 
[  41  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

suttenly  does  leave  a  corpse  lookin'  in  no  way 
to  be  a  pride  to  de  fambly,  I'd  go  right  out  dis 
minnit  an7  commit  susancide." 

"  Shoo,  Sis  Vaseline/7  says  I  in  a  soothin' 
voice  as  I  poured  her  out  another  cup  of  tea, 
"  don't  you  take  on  lak  dat,  for  whilst  Heaven 
is  our  home,  dere  ain't  no  use  in  bein'  in  a 
hurry  'bout  gittin'  dere.  You  better  stay  on 
in  a  place  whar  you  is  acquainted  an'  accla- 
mated.  But  whut's  done  drove  you  to 
thoughts  of  susancide?  " 

"  Hit's  becaze  Lemuel  don't  love  me  no 
mo',"  wailed  Sis  Vaseline. 

Well,  at  dat  I  sorter  brightens  up  lak  we  all 
does  when  we  finds  out  dat  our  best  friend  has 
got  a  secret  sorrow  dat  she's  'bout  to  promul 
gate  to  us  'bout.  Den  I  remembered  my  man 
ners,  an'  I  drew  down  de  corners  of  my  mouth 
an'  looked  sympathetic,  an'  says : 

"  You  po'  lamb !  An'  after  all  you  done 
done  for  dat  man,  too !  Why,  I  bet  you  done 
washed  a  million  shuts  for  him,  an'  patched  a 
thousand  pairs  of  britches,  whilst  as  for  yo' 
cookin',  you  has  des  got  to  pass  yo'  hand 
over  de  pot  to  make  hit  tasty.  An'  I  must  say 
dat  yo'  news  takes  me  on  de  onsurprise,  for 
[  42  ] 


VALENTINES 

ef  ever  I  see  a  man  dat  looked  dat  meek  an' 
humble  dat  he  dasen't  say  his  soul  was  his 
own,  hit  is  Br'er  Lemuel." 

"Hit's  des  lak  you  say,  Sis  Mirandy," 
'spons  Sis  Vaseline,  sniffin'  in  her  apron  some 
mo'.  "  I  done  done  my  duty  noble  by  dat  man 
an'  kept  him  right  onder  my  thumb  endurin' 
all  dese  thuty  yeahs  dat  we's  done  been  mar 
ried,  an'  dat's  whut  breaks  my  heart,  to  find 
out  he  don't  love  me  no  mo'." 

"  But  how  did  you  find  hit  out?  "  I  axes. 
"  Is  you  caught  him  chasin'  after  one  of  dem 
slim  hussies  in  dem  new-fangled,  britches- 
legged  skirts?  " 

"  Nawm,"  'spons  Sis  Vaseline,  "  so  fur  as  I 
know,  Lemuel  ain't  castin'  no  sheep's-eyes  at 
no  odder  female,  nuther  is  he  spendin'  his 
money  on  'em,  becaze  I  does  a  wife's  part  by 
countin'  de  money  de  minnit  he  gits  home  wid 
hit.  But  de  reason  dat  I  knows  his  love  is 
dead  is  becaze  he  ain't  gwine  to  send  me  no 
valentine  lak  my  daughter's  beau  is  gwine  to 
send  her." 

"Ain't  gwine  to  send  you  no  valentine!" 
'selaims  I.  "  Of  course  he  ain't !  Why,  Sis 
Vaseline,  I  reckon  any  jury  would  convict  a 
[  43  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

married  man  of  insanity  an'  send  him  to  a 
padded  cell,  ef  dey  even  s'picioned  dat  he  sent 
a  valentine  to  a  ole  fat  wife  dat  he's  been  tied 
up  wid  for  thuty  yeahs." 

"  Bein'  ole,  an'  fat,  an'  married  for  thuty 
yeahs  don't  keep  a  woman  from  a-hungerin' 
an'  a-thirstin'  for  love,  an'  wantin'  to  be 
treated  ev'y  now  an'  den  lak  a  sweetheart 
instid  of  lak  a  kitchen  range,  an'  a  wash 
tub,  an'  a  sewin'-machine,"  sobbed  Sis  Vase 
line. 

"  I  tell  you,  Sis  Mirandy,  dat  if  husbands 
would  des  keep  deir  kisses  flavored  up  wid 
romance  instid  of  havin'  'em  taste  of  ham  an' 
eggs,  dat  hit  would  do  mo'  to  make  dis  worl' 
a  millennium  dan  anything  else." 

"  Dat's  de  Gord's  truth  dat  you  is  spoke," 
says  I,  "  but  hit  ain't  never  gwine  to  happen, 
becaze  men  an'  women  ain't  built  alike.  De 
trouble  wid  us  women  is  dat  we  stays  brides 
ontel  we's  gray-haided,  an'  got  de  rheumatiz 
an'  de  misery  in  our  j'ints,  an'  wears  red  flan 
nel,  whilst  a  man  gits  over  bein'  a  bridegroom 
at  de  altar  de  minnit  de  preacher  says, i  I  pro 
nounces  you  man  an'  wife,  an'  may  de  Lawd 
have  mercy  on  yo'  souls.' 
[  44  ] 


VALENTINES 

"  An'  no  matter  how  many  corns  a  woman 
gits  on  her  hands  wukin'  for  a  man,  she  still 
pines  to  have  him  hold  'em,  an'  no  matter  how 
many  inches  aroun'  de  belt  line  she  gits,  she 
still  wants  de  arm  of  de  man  she  loves  aroun' 
her,  an7  no  matter  how  deef  she  gits,  she  wants 
to  have  him  yell  into  her  ears  dat  she's  de 
yaller  rose  of  Texas  an'  de  onliest  woman  in 
de  worl'  to  him. 

"An'  ef  he  will  do  dat,  she'll  wuk  her 
fingers  to  de  bone  for  him  an'  be  glad  of  a 
chanst  to  do  hit,  an'  he  can  beat  her  an'  starve 
her,  an'  she'll  still  think  that  she  drew  de  blue 
ribbon  prize  in  de  matermonial  lottery.  An' 
ef  he  don't  do  hit,  she'll  be  miserable  an'  dis 
contented,  an'  s'picion  her  husband's  affection 
for  her,  no  matter  ef  he  is  domestic  as  de  house 
cat  an5  gives  her  ev'y  cent  of  money  dat  he 
earns. 

"  But  men — de  po'  simps ! — don't  never  find 
dis  out,  or  else  dey's  too  all-fired  lazy  an' 
selfish  to  act  on  hit.  So  dey  goes  along 
spectin'  us  to  take  deir  love  for  granted,  an' 
know  dat  we's  givin'  saterfaction  as  wives  as 
long  as  dey  don't  haul  us  up  in  de  divorsch 
co't,  whilst  we  go  along  wid  our  mouths  wa- 
[  45  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

term'  for  one  mo'  bite  of  de  taffy  dat  dey  used 
to  feed  us  on  bef  o'  we  married. 

"  'Tain't  dat  dey  don't  love  us  no  mo',  Sis 
Vaseline,  for  dey  do.  A  beefsteak  may  be  des 
as  much  a  token  of  affection  as  a  bunch  of 
violets  is,  an'  when  yo'  ole  man  remembers  to 
bring  home  a  new  remedy  for  yo'  sciatica,  hit 
may  be  des  as  much  a  valentine  as  ef  he  sent 
you  a  pink  satin  billydoo  full  of  poetry  'bout 
loves  an'  doves.  Only  de  woman  would  rather 
go  hungry  for  de  steak  an'  have  de  violets,  an' 
suffer  wid  de  pain  an'  git  de  valentine.  An'  de 
man  wouldn't." 

"  Sis  Mirandy,"  says  Sis  Vaseline,  "  do  you 
know  whut  de  real  curse  was  dat  was  put  on 
women  when  dey  was  turned  out  of  de  Garden 
of  Eden  on  account  of  Eve  gittin'  mixed  up  in 
dat  apple  business?  De  hoodoo  was  for 
women  to  keep  a  soul  dat  was  always  slim,  an' 
young,  an'  beautiful,  an'  romantic,  in  a  body 
dat  got  ole  an'  fat  an'  dat  nobody  thought  of 
fallin'  in  love  wid." 

"  Dat's  so,"  'spons  I,  "  de  one  thing  dat  a 
woman  never  loses  is  her  sweet  tooth." 

"  Sis  Mirandy,"  axes  Sis  Vaseline,  "  didn't 
you  never  send  Br'er  Ike  a  valentine  sence 
[46  ] 


VALENTINES 

you's  got  married,  so  as  to  see  ef  you  could 
wake  up  de  romance  in  Mm?  " 

"  Yassum,  I  is,"  I  'spons,  "  one  time  when 
all  de  gals  was  a  buyin'  valentines,  I  jest 
thought  dat  Fd  git  one,  an'  send  hit  to  my 
ole  man,  lak  dey  was  sendin'  to  deir  young 
ones,  an'  dat  when  he  got  to  speculatin'  'bout 
who  done  hit  I'd  own  up  to  de  soft  impeach 
ment.  An7 1  dest  pictured  dat  he'd  be  tickled 
to  death,  an'  dat  we'd  forgit  dat  we  was  ole, 
an'  fat,  an'  grizzled-haided,  an'  go  back  to  de 
days  when  we  was  co'tin'. 

"  Yassum,  dat  was  de  way  dat  I  thought 
hit  would  wuk.  An'  so  I  took  de  money  dat 
I  was  a-savin'  to  buy  me  one  of  dese  heah 
weepin'  wilier  fedders,  an'  I  bought  Ike  a 
valentine  dat  was  all  hearts  an'  darts,  an' 
roses,  an'  Cupids,  an'  poetry.  Hit  sho'  was 
one  gran'  valentine,  an'  I  went  out  an'  mailed 
hit  at  night  so  he'd  git  hit  de  fust  thing  in 
de  mawnin'. 

"  Wellum,  hit  come  while  we  was  to  break 
fast,  an'  instid  of  guessin'  dat  I  was  de  onliest 
woman  in  de  world  dat  would  be  fool  enough 
to  waste  my  money  to  send  a  valentine  to  a 
ole,  bandy-laigged,  bald-haided  grandpa  lak 
[47  ] 


MIRANDY        EXHOETb 

him,  Ike  looked  kin'  of  sheepish,  an'  stuck  de 
valentine  in  his  pocket,  an'  de  fust  news  I 
knowed,  he'd  done  spruced  up  in  Ms  good 
clothes,  an'  I  see  him  wid  his  hat  on  de  side  of 
his  haid,  a  walkin'  up  de  street  past  de  do'  of 
dat  hussy,  Ma'y  Sue  Jones,  an'  he  was  a  grin- 
nin',  an'  a  smirkin'  up  at  de  window,  an'  I 
know  he  done  think  she  sent  him  dat  valen 
tine. 

"  Yassum,  an'  dat  warn't  de  last  of  hit.  He 
keep  a-passin'  by  dat  woman's  house,  an' 
a-makin'  a  ole  fool  of  hisself  a  wavin'  at  her, 
till  I  tell  him  dat  I  sent  de  valentine,  an'  he 
was  dat  mad  when  he  found  hit  out,  an'  dat  hit 
warn't  from  some  odder  woman  dan  his  wife, 
dat  he  ain't  speak  to  me  for  fo'  days.  Nawm, 
dat  valentine  ain't  fanned  de  flame  of  love 
none  in  our  house.  Hit  mighty  nigh  put  hit 
out." 

"  Sis  Mirandy,"  axes  Sis  Vaseline,  "  don't 
you  think  dat  husbands  would  be  pleased  to 
git  valentines  from  deir  wives?  " 

"  I  think  dat  dey  would  ruther  have  de  price 
put  in  de  market-basket,"  I  'spons. 

"But  sholy,  Sis  Mirandy,  you  thinks  dat 
husbands  an'  wives  should  keep  up  deir  ro- 
[  48  ] 


VALENTINES 

mantical  feelin'g  towards  each  other,"  axes 
Sis  Vaseline. 

"  Well,  Sis  Vaseline,"  I  'spons,  « I  thinks 
dat  most  men  gits  married  so  dat  dey  can  quit 
makin'  love,  an'  climb  down  off'n  de  poetry 
shelf  to  whar  dey  feels  at  home.  What  a  man 
wants  wid  a  wife  is  somebody  dat'll  keep  on 
lovin'  him  widout  him  havin'  to  hoi'  her  han' 
all  de  time,  an'  tell  her  whut  a  angel  she  is, 
an'  I  done  took  notice  dat  dem  wives  which 
am  good  cooks  don't  git  so  many  divorsches  as 
dem  ladies  whose  strong  p'int  is  sentiment. 

"Valentines  an'  love  talk  is  all  very  well 
to  tole  a  man  into  de  holy  bonds  of  mater- 
mony,  but  when  you  gits  him  dere,  de  way  to 
keep  him  from  jumpin'  over  de  bars  is  to  fill 
him  up  wid  good  food,  an'  let  him  read  his 
paper  in  peace. 

"Nawm,  I  don't  hoi'  none  wid  married 
women  sendin'  deir  husbands  valentines,  an' 
encouragin'  romantical  notions  in  'ein,  for  hit 
fills  deir  haids  up  wid  de  notion  dat  dey's  still 
fascinators  wid  de  women,  an'  is  got  a  gift  for 
love-makin'  dat  hit's  a  pity  to  waste  on  deir 
wives.  De  wise  wife  am  de  one  whut  prones 
hit  into  her  husband  dat  she's  de  only  woman 
[49  ] 


M   I   B   A   N   D   ¥       BXHOETS 

in  de  world  dat  lias  got  sense  enough  an'  taste 
enough  to  know  whut  a  wonder  he  is.  Bat's 
de  talk  dat  keeps  him  nailed  to  his  own 
hearthstone.  JSTot  dis  heah  ralentine  foolish 
ness." 


[50] 


POST  MORTEMS 

YISTIDY  I  was  in  a  sto'  buyin'  me  one  of  dem 
styley  plaid  gingham  frocks  dat  you  can  heah 
comin'  down  de  street  dey's  so  noisy,  when  lo 
an'  behol',  I  meets  up  wid  Br'er  Si  an'  Sis 
Luellen. 

Sis  Luellen,  she  was  a-smilin'  an'  smirkin' 
in  de  lookm'-glass  a-tryin'  on  one  of  dese  heah 
hats  dat's  trimmed  up  wid  wooden  balls  ontel 
hit  looked  lak  she  was  wearin'  de  croquet  set 
on  her  haid,  an7  Br'er  Si,  he  had  on  dat  pale, 
trimbly,  Lord-haTe-mercy-on-me-an'-my-pocket- 
book  expression  dat  a  man  always  wears  when 
he  goes  shoppin'  vid  his  wife. 

Pretty  soon  Sis  Luellen  say  to  de  gal  dat 
was  waitin'  on  ker  dat  shell  take  dat  hat  be- 
caze  hit  sholy  is  a  young  lookin'  hat  dat  makes 
[  51  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHORTS 

de  one  whut  is  got  hit  on  pear  lak  a  lady-love 
instid  of  a  wife,  an'  den  she  turned  to  Br'er 
Si  an'  say,  "  Ole  man,  111  take  some  of  my 
monument  money." 

"  How  much?  "  axes  Br'er  Si. 

"Fifteen  dollars,"  'spons  Sis  Luellen,  an' 
whilst  Br'er  Si  fetched  a  groan  lak  he  was 
tucken  wid  a  sudden  pain  dat  done  struck  him 
in  a  vital  spot,  he  retched  down  into  his  jeens 
an'  fished  out  three  five-dollar  bills,  an' 
handed  'em  over  to  Sis  Luellen. 

De  way  dey  act  suttenly  did  git  me  goin', 
an'  so  dis  mawnin',  when  I  meet  up  wid  Sis 
Luellen,  I  say  to  her,  "  Sis  Luellen,"  says  I, 
"  I  ain't  one  of  dem  nosey  women  whut's  al 
ways  a  promulgatin'  deirselves  into  odder 
folkses  business,  an'  whilst  I  might  wisht  to 
know  how  a  woman  wuks  her  rabbit's  foot  on 
her  husban'  to  git  fifteen  plunks  out  of  him 
for  a  hat  wid  no  mo'  back  talk  dan  you  handed 
Br'er  Si,  still  I  ain't  a-axin'  no  questions  'bout 
dat,  for  de  way  ev'y  woman  conjures  her 
husban'  is  her  own  secret  dat  she  ain't  bound 
to  tell  to  nobody.  Howsomever,  I  does  make 
bold  to  inquire  whut  you  meant  by  axin'  Br'er 
Si  for  yo'  monument  money,  for  whilst  I's 
[  52  ] 


POST          MOETBMS 

done  heard  'bout  English  money  an7  French 
money,  an'  hard  money  an'  soft  money,  I  ain't 
never  heard  tell  befo'  'bout  no  monument 
money." 

"  Shoo,"  'spons  Sis  Luellen,  givin'  one  of 
her  nice,  big,  fat  laughs,  an'  I  suttenly  does 
love  to  heah  Sis  Luellen  laugh.  Hit  sounds 
jes'  lak  a  pan  of  grease  bubblin'  an'  fryin'. 
"Shoo,"  said  she,  "dat's  des  a  little  'gree- 
ment  twixt  me  an'  Si.  You  know  dat  when  I 
married  Si  he  was  a  widower,  an'  when  his 
fust  wife  died  he  suttenly  did  do  proud  by 
her,  an'  he  put  up  a  monument  over  her  in  de 
cemetery  dat  cost  fo'  hundred  dollars. 

"Now  Si's  fust  wife,  she  was  a  mighty 
hard-wukin'  woman,  an'  mighty  savin',  she 
sweated  ev'y  nickel,  an'  she  never  took  no 
pleasure,  nor  had  no  decent  clothes,  nor  noth 
ing,  an'  de  fust  real  party  she  ever  attended 
was  her  own  funeral,  an'  de  onliest  present 
dat  her  husban'  ever  give  her  dat  cost  mo'  dan 
a  jitney  was  dat  monument. 

"When  me  an'  Si  was  a  courtin'  he  took 

me  out  to  de  cemetery  an'  showed  me  dat 

monument — to  prove  to  me  dat  he  knowed 

how  to  do  de  right  thing  by  a  wife,  I  reckon — 

[  53  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

but  Mt  didn't  make  no  hit  wid  me,  for  my 
tastes  don't  run  to  tombstones,  specially  when 
dey's  pussonal,  so  to  speak. 

"  Nawm,  I  ain't  got  no  sort  of  vanity  'bout 
my  monument.  I  don't  care  whedder  dey  puts 
a  sky-piercin'  shaft  or  a  brickbat  over  my  dead 
remains.  Nuther  is  I  interested  in  whut  sort 
of  a  lookin'  corpse  I's  gwine  to  make,  an'  when 
I'm  a  angel  twangin'  away  on  my  golden  harp 
in  de  heavenly  choir,  I  don't  specs  hit's  gwine 
to  cut  any  ice  wid  me  whut  folks  thought  of 
me  when  I  was  back  on  de  earth. 

"  But  I  do  care  a  lot  'bout  whut  happens 
to  me  in  dis  worl',  while  I's  still  alive  an' 
wantin'  things,  an'  can  enjoy  'em.  So  I  told 
Si  dat  I'd  jest  take  de  price  of  my  monument 
as  I  went  along,  instid  of  waitin'  for  him  to 
spend  hit  on  puttin'  up  a  piece  of  stone  on  my 
grave  when  I  was  dead. 

"  Darfo'  when  I  wants  anything  dat  costs  a 
little  bit  mo'  dan  I  ought  to  pay,  maybe,  I  jest 
collects  de  price  of  hit  in  advance  out  of  whut 
I  calls  my  monument  money. " 

"  My  Ian',"  sclaims  I,  "  but  you  suttenly  is 
de  fore-handed  woman,  an'  hit's  a  pity  dere 
ain't  mo'  lak  you  dat's  got  enough  sense  to 
[  54  ] 


POST         MOETEMS 

cash,  in  on  deir  good  deeds,  an'  collect  de  debts 
whut  folks  owes  'em  whilst  dey's  livin',  instid 
of  waitin'  ontel  after  dey's  dead  to  git  deir 


Yassum,  I  reckon  a  cemetery  is  de  most 
sarcastical  place  dere  is  in  de  whole  worl',  an' 
I  bet  dat  de  biggest  surprise  dat  de  souls  of  de 
departed  has  is  not  when  dey  beholds  de  won 
ders  of  de  new  Jerusalem  wid  hits  golden 
streets,  but  de  knock-out  blow  dey  gits  when 
dey  looks  on  at  deir  own  funeral  an'  finds  out 
whut  folks  really  thought  of  'em. 

Yassum.  Dere  was  ole  Aunt  Sukey  dat 
lived  alone  in  one  little  measly  room  dat 
warn't  big  enough  to  swing  a  cat  in,  an'  Aunt 
Sukey  was  dat  crippled  up  wid  de  rheumatiz 
dat  she  couldn't  hobble  mo'  dan  a  few  feet 
from  her  doorway,  an'  she  was  dat  fond  of 
flowers  dat  she'd  pick  up  a  broken  rose  dat 
somebody  done  drapped  in  de  street,  an'  cud 
dle  hit  lak  hit  was  a  new-born  baby. 

Wellum,  I  don't  call  to  mind  dat  whilst  Sis 
Sukey  was  alive,  an'  could  have  enjoyed  a 
little  pot  of  posies,  ary  one  of  us  ever  give  her 
so  much  as  a  geranium  leaf,  but  when  Sis 
Sukey  died  all  of  us  remembered  how  she 
[55  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOET8 

loved  flowers,  and  we  des  smothered  her  coffin 
in  roses. 

An'  dere  was  Br'er  Ike.  Br'er  Ike,  he  was 
one  of  dese  quiet  little  men  dat  don't  never 
learn  how  to  toot  deir  own  horn,  an  quense- 
contly  dey  don't  git  hit  tooted,  an'  nobody 
don't  notice  dat  when  dere's  any  call  for  folks 
to  do  things  dey's  Johnny-on-de-spot. 

Br'er  Ike,  he  run  de  chu'ch,  an'  he  wiped 
de  tears  from  de  widow's  eyes,  an'  helped  de 
po'  an'  de  needy,  but  he  did  hit  all  so  quiet  dat 
nobody  never  took  no  notice  of  whut  he  was 
doin',  an'  I  don't  reckon  anybody  ever  passed 
him  a  compliment,  or  even  thanked  him,  much 
less  tell  him  how  gran'  an'  noble  he  was,  in  de 
whole  of  his  lifetime. 

But  one  day  Br'er  Ike  up  an'  die,  an'  den  we 
suttenly  did  give  him  de  grandest  funeral  dat 
you  ever  lay  yo'  eyes  on.  Dere  was  floral 
pieces  wid  ribbons  wid  "  Our  Leader  "  printed 
on  'em,  an'  dere  was  marchin'  clubs,  an'  car 
riages,  an'  fo'  horses  to  de  hearse.  An'  ev'y- 
body  was  talkin'  deir  tongue  off  tellin'  whut  a 
wonderful  man  Br'er  Ike  was,  an'  how  much 
good  he  done,  an'  wonderin'  how  we's  gwine 
to  git  along  widout  him. 
[  56  ] 


POST          MOETEMS 

An'  dere  was  Sis  Eunice  whut  was  one  of 
dese  gentle,  sweet,  timid,  clingin'  little  women 
dat  des  blossoms  out  onder  kind  treatment  lak 
a  flower  in  de  sun,  an'  des  withers  away  an' 
shrivels  up  onder  coldness  an'  neglect.  Sis 
Eunice  got  tied  up,  as  dat  kind  of  a  woman 
most  ginerally  does,  wid  a  human  icicle,  whut 
thinks  dat  hit's  a  husband's  sacred  duty  to 
knock  his  wife's  faults  an'  pass  over  her  vir 
tues. 

Sis  Eunice  didn't  live  long.  She  des  froze 
up  an'  died  in  de  cold  storage  kind  of  a  home 
dat  her  husban'  took  her  to  live  in,  an'  when 
she  pass  away  he  put  up  a  fine  monument  over 
her  grave  dat  had  on  hit,  "  My  Beloved  Wife." 

You  know  I  never  goes  to  de  cemetery  an' 
sees  dat  widout  wonderin'  ef  at  night  de  ghost 
of  Sis  Eunice  ever  comes  back  an'  roosts  on 
dat  tombstone,  an'  reads  dat  inscription,  "  My 
Beloved  Wife,"  an'  ef  hit  does,  ef  hit's  any 
comfort  to  hit? 

Hit  must  be  news  to  Sis  Eunice  to  find  out 
dat  her  husban'  loved  her,  becaze  he  sholy 
didn't  give  any  signs  of  hit  whilst  she  was 
alive,  an'  somehow  I's  got  my  s'picions  dat 
dis  heah  post-mortem  affection,  dat  don't  show 
[57  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

hitself  till  after  de  funeral,  gits  in  kite  wuk  a 
leetle  mite  too  late. 

Yassum,  when  I's  passed  on  an'  is  got  to  be 
a  sheriff  in  de  skies,  I  ain't  calculatin'  to  take 
any  interest  in  whedder  my  family  an'  friends 
is  sheddin'  barrels  of  tears  over  my  loss,  or  is 
reconciled  to  de  mysterious  decrees  of  Provi 
dence  in  removin'  me  from  deir  midst. 
Neither  is  I  figurin'  on  bein'  cast  down,  or 
puffed  up,  by  whut  dey  say  'bout  me.  Nor 
does  I  specs  to  have  ev'ything  I  didn't  git  in 
life  made  up  to  me  by  a  handsome  tombstone. 

"An'  dat's  why  I  wants  folks  to  give  me 
whut's  comin'  to  me  right  now,  whilst  I  can 
enjoy  hit.  Ef  anybody  is  got  any  flowers  to 
give  me,  I  wants  'em  whilst  I  can  smell  'em, 
an'  see  'em,  an'  hold  'em,  instid  of  deir  bein' 
laid  on  my  coffin.  Ef  anybody's  got  any  kind 
words  to  say  of  me,  I  wants  'em  to  say  'em 
to  me  now  whilst  dey  will  hearten  my  heart  an' 
give  me  de  courage  to  go  on.  I  don't  want  'em 
to  wait  ontel  my  ears  is  deaf  in  death.  An'  ef 
anybody  loves  me,  I  wants  'em  to  show  hit  to 
me  right  now  an'  heah  whilst  I  can  enjoy  hit, 
instid  of  waitin'  to  carve  deir  sentiments  on  my 
tombstone.  Hit  won't  make  no  difference  t* 
t  58  ] 


POST         MOETEMS 

me  den,  but  liit  would  change  de  worF  for  me 
now. 

Ts  lak  Sis  Luellen.  I  wants  to  spend  my 
monument  money  wMlst  I  can  git  some  good 
ef  kit 


[59] 


MATRIMONY  AND  MONEY 

"  WELL,"  says  I  de  odder  night  when  me  an' 
my  ole  man,  Ike,  was  a-settin'  aroun'  real 
sociable  togedder,  wid  de  lamp  a-castin'  hits 
glow  over  de  fambly  circle,  an'  little  Teddy 
Roosterfelt  a-playin'  on  de  no'  betwixt  us, 
"well,  I  sees  in  de  paper  dat  anodder  one  of 
dem  millionaires  is  a-gittin'  anodder  di- 
vorsch." 

"Humph/'  'sclaims  Ike,  "de  way  de  rich 
indulges  deirselves  in  luxuries  sholy  am 
scandalous.  Hit  ain't  no  wonder  dat  hit 
makes  folks  dat  has  to  wear  deir  ole  clothes, 
an'  stick  to  deir  ole  husbands  an'  wives,  feel 
lak  turnin'  into  one  of  dese  heah  anarchists, 
an'  gittin'  a  boom  an'  goin'  out  an'  bustin'  up 
somethin'." 

[  60] 


MATBIMONY 

"I  wonder  why  hit  is,"  I  pursues,  "dat 
people  dat  has  got  money  finds  hit  so  hard  to 
stay  married  to  de  same  pusson,  an'  is  always 
a-wantin'  to  swap  partners?  A  po'  man  or 
woman  manages  to  rock  along  pretty  com 
fortable  wid  de  same  wife  or  husban'  for  forty 
or  fifty  yeahs.  But  de  minute  anybody  gits 
money  in  de  bank,  dey  gits  kin'  of  restless  in 
double  harness,  an'  de  next  news  you  knows 
dey's  done  kicked  over  de  traces. 

"  Cou'se  I  can  see  why  de  man  whut  was 
married  to  a  woman  who  was  a  good  cook,  an' 
washer,  an'  patcher,  an'  dat  could  help  him 
whilst  he  was  po',  feels  lak  dat  he  needs  to  git 
a  pretty  young  wife  dat's  real  styly,  as  soon 
as  he  strikes  ile.  He  has  to  git  a  wife  to 
match  his  new  plush  furniture,  but  de  million 
aires  dat  marries  female  millionaires  don't 
'pear  lak  dat  dey  is  able  to  stay  hitched  to- 
gedder  no  better  dan  de  odders  dat  got  mar 
ried  befo'  dey  knowed  dat  de  Lawd  was  gwine 
to  call  ?em  to  be  de  head  of  a  trust. 

"Dat's  de  reason  dat  I  say  dat  hit  looks 

lak  dat  money  is  a  marriage-buster.    An'  dat's 

curis  an'  curiser,  for  hit  does  seem  as  ef  a 

couple  dat  didn't  have  no  call  to  scrap  over 

[  61  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

de  grocery-bill  an'  de  butcher-bill,  suttenly 
would  have  de  biggest  bone  of  contention  in 
de  fanibly  skeleton  removed  from  deir  midst. 

"My  goodness,"  I  goes  on,  a-castin'  a 
meanin'  glance  at  Ike,  "  I  lays  dat  I  could  live 
as  peaceable  as  a  basket  of  kittens  wid  a  man 
dat  I  didn't  have  to  keep  a  eye  on." 

"Yes,  Lawd,"  'spons  Ike  wid  a  groan, 
"  dem  folks  whut's  got  plenty  of  money  an' 
ain't  got  nothin'  to  worry  'em  but  a  misfit  wife 
or  husban'  is  just  gwine  out  of  deir  way  to 
hunt  for  trouble.  Me,  ef  I  didn't  have  to 
worry  over  de  rent,  I  wouldn't  let  a  little  thing 
lak  bein'  married  to  de  wrong  woman  bodder 
me  none." 

"  Dat's  right,"  says  I,  "  whut's  missin'  yo* 
affinity  to  missin'  de  bill-collector?  " 

"I  tell  you,  Mirandy,"  says  Ike,  "why 
dese  heah  rich  folks  is  always  a-gittin'  di- 
vorsches — hit's  to  pass  de  time  away.  A 
millionaire  gits  a  house,  or  a  horse,  or  a  orty- 
mobile  dat  he  gits  tired  of,  an'  he  thinks  dat 
he'll  amuse  hisself  by  gwine  out  an'  tr&din' 
hit  off  wid  somebody  else,  but  dere  ain't  no 
excitement  'bout  dat,  becaze  dere  ain't  no  dif 
ficulties  in  de  way.  All  dat  he's  got  to  do  is 
[  62  ] 


MATEIMONT 

to  put  his  hands  in  his  pocket  an'  pay  de  loss, 
an'  dere  he  is  wid  anodder  house,  or  horse,  or 
ortyniobile  dat  he  don't  lak  no  better  dan  he 
did  de  fust  one. 

"  Hit  sholy  does  git  on  his  nerves,  an'  make 
him  peevish,  ontel  one  day  a  good  idee  strikes 
him,  an'  dat  is  dat  he'll  trade  off  his  wife  for 
a  new  one,  an'  dat  takes  a  lot  of  trouble,  an' 
makes  a  lot  of  scandal,  an'  costs  him  a  lot  of 
alermony,  an'  hit's  full  of  excitement,  an'  sort 
of  gives  him  a  run  for  his  money,  an'  dat's 
why  he  does  hit." 

"  Maybe  so,"  'spons  I,  "  but  whut  makes  de 
rich  fall  out  of  love  wid  each  odder  oftener 
dan  de  po'  does?  " 

"  Dey  don't,"  says  Ike,  "  but  de  difference  is 
dat  de  po'  is  so  busy  wrastlin'  wid  de  problem 
of  how  dey  is  gwine  to  git  po'k  chops  for  sup 
per  dat  dey  ain't  got  de  time  to  notice  whed- 
der  deir  hearts  palpitates  at  de  approach  of 
de  one  dat  dey  is  tied  to,  or  not.  But  de  rich 
ain't  got  nothin'  to  do  but  to  set  up  an'  hold 
deir  fingers  on  deir  pulses,  an'  watch  de  state 
of  deir  affections,  an'  see  whedder  dey's  at 
fever  heat,  or  is  done  drapped  below  normal. 

"  Now  des  take  ourselves,  Mirandy,  I  specs 
[  63  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

dat  ef  we  was  to  go  probin'  aroun',  we'd  find 
out  dat  dere  was  'bout  forty-leven  different 
wajs  in  which  we  didn't  suit  each  odder,  an' 
dat  you  didn't  look  to  me  lak  one  of  dese  heah. 
Venuses,  an'  dat  you  warn't  in  no  danger  of 
mistakin'  me  for  one  of  dem  godlike  young 
gentlemen  in  de  ready-made  clothin'  adver 
tisements. 

"Mo'over,  ef  either  one  of  us  was  to  be 
tooken  wid  a  thrillin'  feelin'  when  we  hap 
pened  to  look  at  de  odder  one,  we'd  make  sho* 
dat  we'd  done  got  malaria,  an'  we'd  soak  our 
feet  in  hot  musta'd-water,  an'  take  a  dose  of 
quinine,  an'  go  to  bed. 

"  Maybe,  too,  each  one  of  us  is  got  a  real 
soul-mate  somewhar  in  de  neighborhood,  but 
bein'  po'  an'  havin'  to  scuffle  to  make  de  ends 
meet,  we  ain't  never  had  time  to  find  none  of 
dese  things  out.  So  we  goes  joggin'  along  to- 
gedder  in  peace,  lak  two  good  ole  wuk-horses 
dat  is  fell  into  each  odder's  stride,  an'  pulls 
togedder  widout  no  bitin'  nor  kickin',  nor 
buckin',  nor  jumpin'. 

"  Now  ef  we  was  rich,  dis  would  all  be  dif 
ferent.  When  I'd  come  home  of  a  night,  I 
wouldn't  be  hongry,  an'  you  wouldn't  look  to 
[  64  ] 


MATRIMONY 

me  lak  you  does,  lak  a  angel  wid  a  fryin'-pan 
in  her  han',  surrounded  by  a  halo  of  fried 
onions  an'  liver.  No!  I  would  see  dat  you 
was  gittin'  ole  an'  fat,  an'  I'd  begin  to  think 
'bout  perambulatin'  off  after  some  young  gal, 
dat  was  young  enough  to  be  my  daughter. 

"An'  when  you  took  a  squint  at  me,  I 
wouldn't  look  to  you  lak  de  noble  hero  dat 
stood  wid  his  good  right  arm  betwixt  you  an' 
de  po'-house.  You  would  see  dat  I's  got 
hump-shouldered  an'  bandy-legged  a-totin'  a 
hod,  an'  layin'  brick,  an'  you'd  sort  of  prog 
nosticate  'bout  some  young  buck  dat  you'd 
seed  dancin'  on  one  toe  at  de  skatin'-rink. 

"  Den,  havin'  nothin'  else  to  do,  an'  bein' 
sort  of  tired  of  odder  amusements,  we'd  git  to 
wonderin'  why  we  ever  married  each  odder, 
an'  den  some  fine  day  we'd  start  out  an'  hunt 
up  a  lawyer  an'  a  private  detective,  an'  den 
we'd  end  up  wid  de  odder  millionaires  in  de 
divorsch  co't." 

"  Amen,"  says  I,  « dat's  God's  truth.  Ef 
married  folks  has  got  time  to  take  stock  of 
each  odder's  faults,  an'  remember  how  agger- 
frettin'  each  odder  is,  hit's  a  wonder  to  me 
dat  dey  stays  married  at  all." 
[  65  1 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

"  Yassum,77  says  Ike,  "  bein7  po7  sholy  is  de 
fust  help  to  virtue.  You  don't  hear  of  no  po7 
man  leadin7  de  double  life,  becaze  hit  keeps 
him  on  de  jump  to  lead  a  single  life,  wid  a 
wife  an'  a  growin7  fambly.  Darfo7,  dat  do7  of 
temptation  is  shut  to  de  po7  man,  whilst  hit  is 
wide  open  to  de  rich  man,  dough  why  any  man 
in  his  senses  wants  to  tackle  matermony  mo7 
dan  once  beats  me." 

"  Hit  looks  lak,"  says  I,  "  dat  de  onliest 
way  dat  a  woman  can  keep  her  husban7  is  by 
keepin7  his  nose  on  de  grin7stone.77 

"Don't  you  worry  none  7bout  dat,  Mi- 
randy,77  7spons  Ike,  "  you7ve  got  mine  down  so 
close  dat  ef  one  of  dese  heah  livin7  pictures 
what  you  reads  about  was  to  pass  by  I  couldn7t 
look  up  enough  to  see  her.77 


BABIES 

"I  BECKON  dat  babies  is  de  curiousest  na 
tion  of  people  dere  is,  an'  de  deceitfulest. 
Yassum,  dere  ain't  no  guessin'  a  baby. 

"  You  look  at  one  dat  looks  lak  a  cross  be 
twixt  a  biled  lobster  an'  a  cream  cheese,  an' 
hit  seems  to  you  dat  dere  ain't  nothin'  in  dat 
baby  but  innocence  an'  sterilized  milk,  but 
you  des  dast  to  cross  hit,  an'  my  Ian' !  you  find 
out  dat  hit's  des  sloshin'  over  wid  red-haided 
temper  an'  cussedness,  an'  de  things  dat  hit 
yowls  at  you  raises  de  goose-flesh  on  you  wid 
horror.  Yassum,  ef  I  ever  is  heard  cussin'  an* 
swearin',  I's  heard  hit  in  a  baby's  cryin'. 

"  An'  hit  looks  to  you  lak  a  baby  is  a  po', 
weak  little  critter  widout  no  strength  to  hit, 
yit  I  have  seen  one  dat  didn't  weigh  twelve 
[  67  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

pounds  wear  a  husky,  six-foot  man  dat  onder- 
fcook  to  wrastle  wid  hit  to  a  frazzle. 

"  An'  as  for  bein'  a  boss,  dere  ain't  no  argi- 
fyin'  who's  de  haid  of  de  house  in  a  fambly 
dat's  got  a  baby.  De  baby's  Hit,  an'  as  a 
slave-driver  it's  got  all  of  dese  heah  Simon 
Legrees  an'  Uncle  Tom  Cabinses  in  de  play 
backed  off  of  de  boards.  Dere  ain't  nobody 
but  a  baby  dat'll  wuk  you,  whedder  you  are 
sick  or  well,  twenty-four  hours  a  day. 

"  Yassum,  I  done  heard  somebody  say  oncet 
dat  a  baby  was  a  well-spring  of  joy  in  de 
house.  I  ain't  a  'sputin'  dat,  but  you  sholy  is 
got  yo'  wuk  cut  out  for  you  ef  youse  got  a 
baby,  becaze  hit  keeps  you  on  de  jump  from 
mawnin'  till  night,  an'  from  night  till 
mawnin',  an'  de  funniest  part  of  hit  all  is  dat 
you  des  loves  dat  little  bunch  of  trials  an' 
tribulations  dat  somehow  has  got  yo'  heart 
des  squeezed  up  in  hit's  little  fat  fists,  so  dat 
no  matter  how  tired  an'  worn  you  is  wid  loss 
of  sleep  an'  rest,  you  don't  never  think  'bout 
quittin'  on  de  job. 

"Yassum,  ef  yo'  husban'  or  wife  was  to 
tyrannize  over  jou  lak  a  baby  does,  you'd  be 
haided  straight  for  de  divorsch  cou't.  An'  ef 
[  68  ] 


BABIES 

any  employer  was  to  wuk  yon  as  hard,  an'  as 
many  hours  a  day  as  a  baby  does,  de  union 
would  call  a  strike  on  him.  But  you  stands 
for  bein'  ordered  aroun'  lak  a  dog  by  a  baby, 
an7  nobody  ain't  heard  about  de  Amalgamated 
Order  of  Mothers  givin'  notice  dat  de  refresh 
ment  counter  shut  up  at  six  o'clock,  an'  dere 
wouldn't  be  no  meals  served  later. 

"  Yassum,  I  specs  dere  ain't  none  of  dese 
heah  hypnotists  in  de  side-shows  dat's  got  de 
power  in  de  eye  dat  a  baby's  got  in  hits  pale 
little  eye,  dat  ain't  got  no  eyelashes  an'  no 
eyebrows,  an'  dat  looks  lak  a  burnt  hole  in  a 
blanket.  Yassurn,  a  baby's  eye  sho'  has  got 
de  conjer  in  hit. 

"  But  de  most  peculiar  peculiarity  'bout  a 
baby  is  de  effect  dat  hit  has  on  de  folks  dat 
hit  associates  wid.  Hit  makes  'em,  or  ruins 
'em.  Hit  always  makes  me  laugh  when  I  hears 
folks  talk  'bout  de  way  dey  is  gwine  to  mold 
deir  chillun's  characters.  Hit's  de  chillun  dat 
does  de  moldin'  of  de  parients'  character,  an' 
a  little,  teenty,  weenty  baby  can  change  a 
grown  man  or  woman  mo'  in  two  days  dan  a 
grown  man  or  woman  can  change  a  baby  in 
twenty  yeahs. 

[  69  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

"Yassum,  you  can  always  tell  folks  dat's 
got  a  baby,  an'  you  don't  have  to  look  at  de 
greasy  spots  in  de  middle  of  deir  backs, 
neider.  Dey's  des  got  a  chastened  look,  an' 
hit's  sort  of  a  glorified  look,  too,  lak  dem 
Early  Christian  Martyrs  whut  had  done  suf 
fered  in  well-doin',  an'  walkin'  de  colic. 

"Cou'se  we  calls  babies  little  angels,  but 
when  I  sees  de  demoralizin'  effect  dat  'sociatin' 
wid  a  baby  has  on  some  folks,  I  sometimes 
wonders  whedder  dey's  angels  of  light  or  an 
gels  of  darkness,  an'  whedder  dey  comes  from 
up  above  or  down  below. 

"Yassum,  I's  seed  some  sad  cases  of  nice, 
polite,  truthful,  modest  folks  dat  done  lost  all 
of  dem  good  qualities  an'  got  to  be  rude,  rough 
liars  an'  braggers  through  havin'  a  baby. 

"  Now  dere's  Sally  Ann.  You  couldn't  find 
a  nicer  gal  dan  Sally  Ann.  She  was  whut  you 
call  sympathetic,  an'  dere  warn't  nothin'  mo' 
soothin'  to  yo'  feelin's  dan  to  go  an'  set  wid 
her  of  a  afternoon,  an'  have  a  cup  of  tea,  an' 
tell  her  yo'  troubles. 

"  She'd  listen  wid  her  eyes  full  of  tears,  she 
was  dat  interested  an'  pitiful  to  you ;  an'  she'd 
des  hang  on  yo'  words  an'  urge  you  to  talk 
[  70  ] 


BABIES 

on,  an'  she  never  would  come  back  wid  any 
tale  of  woe  herself,  so  dere  warn't  nothin'  to 
mar  yo'  pleasure  in  de  occasion. 

"  But  after  a  while  Sally  Ann  got  married 
aa'  had  a  baby,  an7  when  you  goes  to  see  her 
now,  an'  tries  to  onburden  yo?  griefs  to  her, 
she  don't  even  pertend  to  listen.  In  de  very 
midst  of  de  word  where  you  is  relatin'  how 
yo'  husban'  is  holdin'  out  de  money  on  you  an' 
hangin'  aroun'  dat  yaller  hussy,  Almerety 
Johnsing,  an'  dat  you's  stood  all  dat  flesh  an' 
blood  can  stand,  an'  you's  sniffm'  real  com 
fortable  into  yo'  teacup,  why  Sally  Ann  gur 
gles  out,  clappin'  her  hands :  <  Oh,  Sis  Mirandy, 
des  look  how  cute  muwer's  own  tootsy-wootsy 
is  lookin'  at  you  t'rough  de  back  of  dat  chair.' 
An'  you  knows  dat  she  ain't  heard  nary 
syllable  you  is  uttered. 

"  Furdermo',  when  you  pauses  to  take 
breath,  she  jumps  in  wid  tellin'  you  of  all  de 
times  de  baby  has  fell  down  an'  bumped  hits 
nose,  an'  de  hard  time  hit  had  cuttin'  hits 
teeth,  which  news  she  seems  to  think  dat  you 
is  settin'  up  waitin'  for  wid  yo'  tongue  hangin' 
out,  lak  hit  was  a  war  bulletin  from  de  front. 

"Nawm,  a  baby  suttenly  does  take  away 
[71  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOBTS 

folks'  manners,  an'  I  don't  know  of  nobody 
dat's  duller  company  dan  a  young  mother. 
As  for  me,  when  de  fust  baby  comes,  I  bids 
farewell  to  de  parients  for  de  next  twenty 
yeahs,  becaze  you  won't  git  no  mo'  rational 
conversation  out  of  'em  ontel  deir  chillun  lias 
done  growed  up,  an'  married,  an'  settled. 

"  Den  dere's  Sally  Ann's  husban',  Mose. 
Mose  suttenly  was  truthful  James,  whut  stuck 
so  tight  to  de  facts  dat  dere  was  times  an' 
seasons  when  hit  was  sorter  uncomfortable  to 
have  him  aroun'.  An'  he  was  modest,  too. 
When  he  tole  'bout  de  things  dat  he  did  he 
always  put  on  de  soft  pedal  an'  talk  meek  an' 
humble  as  de  next  one. 

"  But  dat  was  befo'  dat  baby  coma  You 
ought  to  see  him  now.  He  done  stuck  out  his 
chest  till  his  shirt  buttons  won't  hold,  an' 
when  he  goes  to  norrate  'bout  dat  baby,  he  des 
flings  truth  to  de  winds  so  hit  won't  hamper 
him  none. 

"  '  Sis  Mirandy,  ma'am/  says  he  to  me  when 
I  met  him  de  odder  mawnin'  an'  stopped  to 
pass  de  time  of  day,  '  Sis  Mirandy,  ma'am,  you 
ought  to  come  an'  see  dat  baby.  I  never  seed 
such  a  wonderful  chile  in  my  life.  Hit's  got 
[  72  } 


BABIES 

de  most  remarkable  intelligence  dat  I  ever 
looked  at  in  de  human  countenance.  Why, 
Sis  Mirandy,  dat  baby  ain't  but  two  weeks  ole 
an'  yit  hit  knows  ev'y  word  I  say  to  hit,  an' 
hit  cries  for  me  when  I  leaves  de  room.  An' 
furdermo',  Sis  Mirandy,  I  ain't  sayin'  hit  be- 
caze  dat  baby's  mine,  but  hit  suttenly  is  a 
beauty,  and  would  take  de  blue  ribbon  in  any 
baby  show/ 

"  An'  den  he  brags  on  an'  on,  ontel  I  can't 
stand  hit  no  longer,  an'  I  passes  on. 

"  Yassum,  dat's  de  way  babies  affects  some 
folks.  Dey  goes  to  deir  haids  an'  changes 
nice,  sensible  people  into  plumb  idiots  an' 
braggarts.  An'  sometimes  babies  go  to  folks' 
hearts  an'  change  dem  whut  was  mean,  an' 
selfish,  an'  cold,  an'  hard,  into  regular  human 
bein's  dat's  got  love,  an'  pity,  an'  under- 
standin'  for  all  de  worl'  becaze  of  some  little 
chile  dat's  done  come  to  deir  arms  to  stay. 

"Ef  you'll  notice,  dem  folks  whut  calls 
chillun  brats,  an'  dat  has  got  nerves  dat  can't 
stand  to  heah  chillun  laugh  an'  play,  most 
ginerally  changes  deir  minds  'bout  chillun 
after  dey  gits  a  baby  of  deir  own.  Dey  calls 
chillun  darlings  den,  an'  dey  thinks  dat  grown 
t  73  ] 


MiEANDY        EXHORTS 

folks  ain't  got  no  right  dat  a  cMle  ought  to 
respect. 

"  Yassum,  babies  sholy  am  a  gran'  institu 
tion,  an'  I  don't  know  whut  we'd  do  widout 
?em.  Dey  keeps  us  po'  an'  humble,  an'  makes 
us  proud  an'  braggy.  Dey  wuks  us  to  death, 
an'  we  are  glad  to  slave  our  fingers  to  de  bone 
for  'em.  We  wonder  whut  odder  folks  sees  in 
deir  runty,  knock-kneed,  measly  offspring  dat 
makes  'em  think  dey  is  worth  raisin',  an'  when 
we  looks  at  our  own,  dey  looks  as  beautiful, 
an'  wonderful,  as  cherubim. 

"  Yassum,  nobody  don't  know  whut  happi 
ness  is  ontel  dey  is  held  deir  own  baby  on  deir 
breast.  An'  nobody  don't  know  whut  sorrow 
is  ontel  dey  has  turned  away  from  de  grave 
yard  an'  left  deir  little  baby  layin'  out  dere 
alone,  cold  in  de  snow. 

"  Me,  I's  knowed  both." 


LOVERS'  CATECHISM 

"  Do  you  know  dem  pictures  dat  you  sees  in 
de  papers,  whar  de  pusson  in  one  of  'em  is  po', 
an'  scrawny,  an'  measly-lookin',  an'  is  a  hob- 
blin'  along  on  a  cane,  an'  is  dressed  in  clothes 
dat  looks  lak  a  year  bef o'  last  bird's  nest ;  an' 
in  de  odder  picture  de  pusson  is  fat,  an'  hand 
some,  an'  sassy-lookin',  an'  is  a-ridin'  aroun'  in 
one  of  dese  heah  ortymobiles,  an'  is  dressed  up 
fit  to  kill  in  styly  clothes,  an'  one  of  de  pictures 
is  got  i  Befo'  Takin' '  under  hit,  an'  de  odder 
picture  has  got  'After  Takin' '  under  hit? 

"Well,  dat  medicine,  whutever  hit  is — an' 
hit  must  be  a  searchin'  subjance — don't  wuk 
no  greater  change  in  folkes's  looks  an'  de  way 
dey  acts  an'  thinks  dan  matermony  does.  Yas- 
sum,  befo'  we  gits  our  dose  of  de  holy  estate  of 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

matermony,  we  sho'  does  look  at  things  one 
way,  an'  after  we  done  swallowed  de  pill,  we 
suttenly  does  look  at  hit  from  anodder  pint 
of  view. 

"  Now  dere's  my  daughter,  Ma'y  Jane, 
whut's  in  love,  an'  has  got  hit  bad.  She  goes 
aroun'  de  house  wid  a  far-away  look  in  her 
eye,  an'  she  sets  down  befo'  de  kitchen-stove, 
an'  lets  de  bread  burn  in  de  oven,  an'  de  cat 
drink  de  milk,  an'  de  dog  git  de  po'k-chops, 
whilst  she  wonders  how  hit  comes  dat  dat 
chuckle-haided,  knock-kneed,  lanky  Sim  John- 
sing  is  so  much  handsomer,  an'  smarter,  an' 
nobler  dan  any  odder  man  in  de  world. 

"  Yassum,  dere  ain't  no  trouble  in  tellin' 
when  a  gal  is  in  love.  De  signs  of  hit  breaks 
out  all  over  her  lak  hit  was  de  measles,  an' 
Ma'y  Jane  suttenly  am  got  a  bad  case.  When 
anybody  tells  anything  dat  is  sorter  meracu- 
lous,  she  waits  ontel  dey  gits  through,  an'  den 
she  ups  an'  says  whut  Sim  says  on  de  subject, 
as  ef  dat  settled  hit.  Yassum,  Ma'y  Jane 
suttenly  am  surprised  dat  de  President  don't 
ax  Sim  down  to  run  de  gov'mint,  an'  dat  dem 
folks  in  Washington  ain't  called  Sim  in  to 
settle  dem  questions  dat's  worryin'  'em. 
[  76  ] 


LOVERS'       CATECHISM 

"  Furdermo',  she  goes  about  a-pickin'  up  de 
segar-stubs  dat  Sim  drops,  an'  tyin'  'em  up  to 
de  wall  wid  blue  ribbon,  an'  de  odder  night  she 
waked  her  pa  up  to  ax  him  ef  he  reckoned  dat 
Sim  could  have  got  lost  a-gwine  home,  or 
maybe  been  kidnapped,  an'  him  a  double- 
jinted  nigger  dat  lives  in  de  next  block. 

"  Ike,  he  was  mighty  mad  at  havin'  his  rest 
broken,  an'  I  had  my  hands  full  a-calmin'  him 
down.  *  Sho','  I  says,  '  don't  you  worry  'bout 
Ma'y  Jane.  Of  course  hit  does  look  lak  she 
done  lost  her  mind,  but  she'll  find  hit  again  as 
soon  as  she  gits  married.  She's  jes'  in  love 
now,  but  she'll  git  over  hit.  I  used  to  act  dat 
ve'y  same  way  'bout  you,  an'  now  des  look  at 
me.' 

"To  which  Ike  respond'  dat  ef  I  did  act 
foolish,  I  had  good  cause  to,  but  how  any  gal 
could  see  anything  in  dat  slab-sided  Sim  John- 
sing  to  go  crazy  'bout  beat  him,  an'  to  dat  I 
remarked,  sorter  casual  lak,  dat  dem  was  de 
very  presacical  words  dat  my  pa  said  'bout  him 
when  he  was  a  cou'tin'  me.  An'  wid  dat  Ike 
turned  over  an'  begin  to  snore  lak  he  didn't 
heah  me. 

"  Cou'se  I  wasn't  gwine  to  let  on  to  Ike 
[  77  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

dat  I  'greed  wid  Mm,  'caze  hit  sets  a  man  up 
too  much,  for  his  wife  to  always  be  a-chimin' 
in  wid  him  'bout  ev'ything  dat  he  prognosti 
cates.  But  all  de  same,  hit  sholy  am  a  techin' 
thing  to  witness  all  de  different  kinds  of  a 
plum  idiot  dat  a  gal  makes  of  herself  when 
she's  in  love,  an'  when  I  heahs  a  young  couple 
a-billin'  an'  a-cooin',  I  laughs  out  of  one  side 
of  my  mouth,  an'  cries  out  of  de  odder.  Becaze 
dey  is  missin'  all  of  de  pints  in  matermony, 
an'  dey  ain't  got  no  more  idee  of  whut  dey 
wants  in  a  husband  or  a  wife  dan  a  baby  has 
dat  cries  for  de  moon.  Dey  don't  even  know 
whut  kind  of  questions  to  ask  each  odder. 
Dey  spends  deir  time  a-buildin'  scaffolds  in  de 
air,  when  dey  ought  to  be  busy  puttin'  de 
foundation  under  de  cabin  dat  dey's  got  to  live 
in. 

"Yassum,  dat's  so.  Ma'y  Jane  an'  Sim, 
dey's  jes'  lak  you,  an'  me,  an'  ev'ybody  else 
dat's  ever  been  in  love,  an'  deir  conversation 
runs  des  lak  hit  was  drawed  out  of  de  same  jug 
of  molasses  as  yours  an'  mine  was.  De  odder 
night  when  dey  was  a-spoonin'  on  de  parlor 
sofy,  I  overhears  Sim  ax  Ma'y  Jane  ef  she's 
sure  dat  she  will  love  him  straight  on  through 
[  78  ] 


LOVEBS'      CATECHISM 

dis  worl'  an'  into  de  next,  an'  Ma'y  Jane 
'spons  by  inquirin'  of  Sim  ef  he  is  sutten  dat 
his  devotion  will  never  git  less,  even  ef  she 
should  git  ole,  an'  fat,  an'  lose  her  teeth.  Den 
Sim  begins  to  question  Ma'y  Jane  'bout  whed- 
der  she  has  ever  loved  befo',  an'  Ma'y  Jane  de 
mand  to  know  ef  she's  de  only  woman  in  de 
worP  to  Sim.  Den  Sim  axes  Ma'y  Jane  ef  she 
is  sho  dat  she  will  never  be  sorry  for  en- 
trustin'  her  angel  self  to  him,  an'  Ma'y  Jane 
begins  to  sniffle  an'  axes  Slim  to  swear  dat  he 
will  never  marry  agin  ef  she  should  die. 

"An'  I  bust  out  laughin'  so  dat  I  most 
drapped  de  chany  pitcher  dat  I  was  a-washin' 
at  de  sink.  Becaze  dem  questions  was  de  be- 
fo'-takin'  questions  whut  dem  whut  ain't  never 
had  no  'sperience  in  matermony  axes  de  party 
of  de  odder  part.  Dey  ain't  de  questions  dat  a 
after-takin'  pusson  would  put  to  de  one  dat 
dey  was  thinkin'  'bout  tyin'  up  wid,  ef  dey  had 
to  do  hit  again.  Nawm,  I  ain't  never  heard 
no  widows  an'  widowers  cou'tin',  but  I  bet  fo' 
bits  to  a  ginger-cake,  dat  dey  don't  waste  no 
time  a-hurlin'  dem  fool  questions  at  one  an- 
odder. 

"  Now,  ef  I  was  gwine  to  marry  Ike  over 
[  79  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

again,  I  wouldn't  bodder  to  ax  him  whedder 
he  would  love  me  forever,  an'  whedder  he  was 
sutten  I  was  his  soul-mate,  an'  ef  he  would 
pine  away  an'  die  ef  anything  was  to  happen 
to  me.  Nuthermo'  would  I  make  him  perjure 
hissel'  by  swearin'  dat  he  ain't  never  gwine  to 
take  notice  of  no  odder  female,  an'  dat  all  de 
amusement  he  wants  for  de  balance  of  his  life 
is  des  to  hold  my  hand  an'  gaze  in  my  eyes,  an' 
tell  me  dat  I  is  de  most  beautiful  creature  on 
earth.  Nawm,  ef  I  was  puttin'  de  man  dat  I 
was  gwine  to  marry  through  de  catechism,  I'd 
ax  him  'bout  de  state  of  his  stomach  instid  of 
de  state  of  his  heart,  an'  inquire  ef  he  was  one 
of  de  men  whut  et  whut  was  set  bef  o'  him  wid- 
out  askin'  no  questions,  or  ef  he  was  one  of 
dem  men  whut's  always  a-throwin'  deir  ma's 
biscuits  in  deir  wives'  teeth. 

"  An'  I  wouldn't  ax  him  ef  he  give  me  his 
heart's  devotion.  I'd  inquire  ef  he  was  gwine 
to  turn  over  'nough  money  to  me  ev'y  Satur 
day  night,  an'  I  wouldn't  be  so  much  inter 
ested  in  knowin'  whether  I  was  his  affinity  as 
I  would  be  in  findin'  out  whedder  he  would  ex 
pect  me  to  help  suppo't  de  fambly.  Fur- 
dermo',  I  wouldn't  make  him  promise  dat  he'd 
[  80  ] 


LOVEBS'      CATECHISM 

spend  de  rest  of  Ms  life  a-kneelin'  at  my  feet. 
I'd  make  Mm  promise  dat  he'd  wipe  Ms  feet 
on  de  mat  befo'  he'd  come  into  de  house,  an' 
dat  he'd  hang  up  his  Sunday  clothes,  an'  dat 
he'd  take  Ms  turn  in  walkin'  de  colic. 

"  Yassum,  dem's  de  questions  dat  I  would 
ax  de  candidate  for  my  heart  an'  hand,  an' 
he'd  have  to  answer  'em  right  straight  off  de 
reel  ef  he  got  me.  An'  I  kinder  s'picions  dat 
ef  Ike  was  a-cou'tin'  me  ag'in  he  wouldn't 
waste  so  much  time  a-trying  to  find  out  ef  he 
was  de  hero  of  my  girlish  dreams,  an'  de  livin' 
image  of  my  ideal.  Nawm,  I  'spec's  dat  he'd 
ax  me  how  I  stands  on  de  latch-key  problem, 
an'  how  much  of  his  wages  I'd  keep.  An'  den 
I  lay  he  would  inquire  'bout  whedder  I  was  a 
good  cook  or  not,  an'  he  would  spend  mo'  time 
investigatin'  de  length  of  my  tongue  dan  he 
would  de  length  of  my  affections. 

"An'  when  we  got  through  de  examination 
of  each  odder,  maybe  we'd  marry,  an'  lakly  we 
wouldn't,  'caze  hit's  mighty  easy  to  swear  dat 
yo'  love  is  eternal,  but  hit's  pretty  hard  to 
prove  dat  you  is  de  kind  of  a  pusson  dat  is 
easy  an'  comfortable  to  git  along  wid  for  de 
twenty,  or  thu'ty,  or  fo'ty  yeahs  dat  you  is 
[  81  J 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

lakly  to  have  to  live  wid  de  one  dat  you  is 
married  to.  Yassum,  dem  of  us  whut  is  tried 
matermony  sholy  would  ax  mighty  different 
questions  from  dem  whut  is  axed  by  dose  whut 
ain't  never  been  through  de  mill." 


[  82  ] 


OLD  WIVES  FOR  NEW 

I  SUTTENLY  am  eatin'  humble  pie  dese  days. 
Yassum,  I  ain't  a-marchin'  myself  up  no  mo' 
an'  takin'  a  front  seat  on  de  flatform  wid  dem 
whut  promulgates  dat  dey  knows  de  unknow 
able,  an'  can  explain  de  inexplicable,  an'  un 
screw  de  inscrutable.  Nawm,  I's  gone  away 
back  an'  set  down  amongst  de  lowly  an'  de 
ignorant,  for  hit's  done  been  proned  into  me 
dat  maybe  I  couldn't  run  de  world  no  better 
dan  de  Lawd  is  doin'  hit,  even  ef  I  got  a  chanst 
at  de  job. 

I  used  to  believe  dat  I  could  manage  things 
a  heap  sight  better  dan  dey  is  managed,  an'  to 
think  dat  if  de  Creator  had  axed  my  advice, 
dat  I  could  have  saved  Him  from  makin'  a  lot 
of  blunders  an'  mistakes.  An'  I  used  to  worry 
a  lot  became  so  many  people  died  dat  hit  looked 
[  83  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

lak  ought  to  have  lived  forever,  an'  so  many 
people  lived  forever  whose  funerals  we  all  was 
des  a-pinin'  an'  a-honin'  to  attend. 

Yassum,  I  is  done  my  sheer,  a-worryin'  over 
de  mistakes  dat  de  Good  Master  was  makin', 
but  whut  has  made  me  lose  mo7  sleep  an'  flesh 
dan  anything  else  is  frettin'  over  de  fact  dat  a 
man's  fust  wife  most  generally  always  wuks 
herself  to  death  layin'  up  money,  an'  quilts, 
an'  things  for  his  second  wife  to  splurge  on. 

Many  is  de  time,  when  I's  been  a-settin'  up 
wid  de  remains  of  some  po'  woman,  dat  I 
would  look  at  her  back  dat  was  all  bent  over 
wid  wuk,  an'  at  her  hands  dat  was  all  knotted 
up  wid  de  washtub,  an'  my  mind  would  take 
to  runnin'  on  how  dat  woman  had  toiled,  an' 
nussed  nickels,  boostin'  her  husban'  up  de  lad 
der,  an'  now  dat  dey  had  got  on  de  sunny 
side  of  Easy  Street  by  her  leadin'  de  way,  hit 
sholy  did  look  to  me  lak  Providence  had  bog 
gled  things  not  lettin'  her  live  to  enjoy  some 
of  de  comforts  dat  she  done  earned. 

Yassum,  dat's  de  way  dat  po',  worn-out, 

peaked  woman  would  look  to  me,  an'  in  my 

heart  I  would  think  dat  ef  I  was  a-runnin'  de 

universe,  I'd  give  her  a  squarer  deal.    But  I 

[  84  ] 


OLD      WIVES      FOB      NEW 

ain't  so  certain  now  dat  she  didn't  git  hit. 
Anyways,  I  specs  de  good  Gawd  is  fitten  to 
manage  de  world  He  made  widout  any  advice 
from  ole  Mirandy,  an'  dat  when  a  man's  fust 
wife  dies  'bout  de  time  she  begins  to  git  fat, 
an'  grizzle-haided,  an'  stiff  in  de  jints,  dat 
maybe  she's  tooken  from  whut  Br'er  Jinkins 
calls  "  de  wrath  to  come." 

Yassum,  when  I  looks  aroun'  at  a  lot  of  de 
ole  wives  'bout  me,  'specially  dem  wives  whut 
has  got  peart  husbands  whut's  got  good  jobs 
an'  money  in  de  saving-bank,  I  don't  know  but 
whut  dem  wives  whut's  got  a  real  styly  tomb 
stone  wid  "  Rest  in  Peace  "  carved  on  it  above 
'em  in  de  cemetery  is  got  de  best  of  hit.  Dey's 
in  luck.  Leastways  dey  sholy  is  de  onliest 
ones  dat's  got  any  rest  or  peace. 

Hit  can't  be  no  mo'  lonesomer  in  a  coffin 
dan  hit  is  to  set  at  home  by  yo'self  of  a  evenin' 
wid  yo'  face  tied  up  for  de  neuralgy  wid  kero 
sene  in  a  ole  sock,  whilst  you  'spicions  dat  yo' 
husban',  whut  said  he  had  business  down 
town,  is  a  fox-trottin'  wid  a  spry  young  gal, 
wid  a  telefoam-post  figger,  an'  one  of  dese 
heah  postage-stamp  skirts,  an',  furdermo',  to 
know  dat  de  assembled  company,  instid  of 
[  85  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

lambastin'  him  for  sidesteppin'  away  from  his 
own  fireside,  is  a-sympathizin'  wid  him  'bout 
bein'  tied  down  to  a  wife  dat  looks  lak  a  per- 
ambulatin'  fedder-bed,  an'  whut  is  a  better 
performer  on  de  kitchen  stove  dan  she  is  on  a 
ballroom  no'. 

Nor  is  de  grave  any  colder  dan  dem  hus 
bands  whut  is  done  got  tired  of  deir  ole  wives, 
an'  whut  looks  lak  dey  thought  dat  dey  orter 
git  a  medal  for  doin'  deir  duty  ev'y  time  dey 
gives  'em  a  peck  on  deir  cheeks  whut  passes 
for  a  kiss.  Yassum.  Providence  sholy  does 
wuk  in  a  mysterious  way  hits  wonders  to  per 
form  wid  husbands  an'  wives,  an'  hit  suttenly 
does  keep  you  guessin'  as  to  whut  de  rewards 
of  a  good  wife  is,  short  of  de  crown  of  glory 
an'  a  angel  harp,  which  none  of  us  ain't  in  no 
hurry  to  collect. 

What  makes  me  say  whut  I  do  is,  I's  just 
come  from  Sis  Bell's  funeral.  You  know  Sis 
Bell,  whut  married  dat  onery  little  Ben  Simp- 
kins,  whut  wouldn't  have  been  nothin'  widout 
her.  But  Sis  Bell  was  one  of  dese  heah  up- 
an'-doin'  women,  whut  could  make  fo'  black 
berry  pies  out  of  three  blackberries  an'  ev'y 
one  of  'em  would  taste  good. 
[  86  ] 


OLD      WIVES      FOE      NEW 

An',  my  lands,  but  she  was  a  wuker!  De 
way  she  could  wrastle  wid  de  washtub  was  a 
caution,  an'  she  saved  Ben's  money,  an'  she 
kept  his  clothes  clean  an'  neat,  an'  she  got  up 
an'  cooked  him  a  early  breakfast,  an'  got  him 
off  to  wuk  on  time,  an'  dere  was  a  hot  dinner 
a-smokin'  on  de  table  when  he  got  home,  an' 
she  pushed  an'  pulled  him  along,  ontel  by  an' 
by,  instid  of  gittin'  two  dollars  a  day  he  was 
gittin'  three,  an'  a  little  mo'  an'  he  was  gittin' 
five  dollars  'caze  Sis  Bell,  she  was  always 
a-standin'  right  behin'  him,  a-shovin'  him  into 
ev'y  little  gap  dat  opened  up. 

Den  Ben  got  a  chanst  to  git  a  little  shop 
of  his  own,  an'  Sis  Bell  retched  down  in  her 
stocking  an'  found  de  money  for  hit  dat  she 
done  save  up.  An'  after  a  bit  hit  got  so  dat 
Ben  could  wear  store  clothes  ev'y  day  an'  walk 
aroun'  wid  a  pencil  behin'  his  ear  a-swearin' 
at  de  men  whut  was  w^ukin'  for  him,  instid  of 
bein'  swore  at  by  de  folks  dat  he  was  wukin' 
for,  an'  den  whut  does  Sis  Bell  do  but  up  an' 
die. 

Yassum,  hit  sholy  did  look  hard  to  me  dat 
she  didn't  live  to  collect  whut  she  done  wuked 
fo'  so  many  yeahs,  an'  I  shed  a  barrel  of  tears 
[  87  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

as  I  looked  at  her  a-layin'  so  still  in  her  coffin 
wid  her  hands  folded  idle  across  her  breast  fo' 
de  fust  time  since  she  done  got  married.  Ef 
she  had  lived,  she  could  have  took  things  easy 
from  now  on  an'  had  a  gran'  time  wid  nothin' 
to  worry  her,  I  says  to  myself  as  I  wiped  my 
weepin'  eyes. 

But  coinin'  on  home  from  Sis  Bell's  fu 
neral,  I  sorter  changed  my  mind  'bout  death 
bein7  de  saddest  thing  on  earth,  for  I  meet  up 
wid  Sam  Pigget,  an'  he  tell  me  dat  he's  gwine 
to  git  a  divorsch  from  Sally  Ann,  an'  Sally 
Ann  is  done  do  for  Sam  Pigget  des  whut  Sis 
Bell  done  do  for  Ben.  But  Sally  Ann  ain't 
have  de  luck  to  die.  She  live  to  see  her  hus- 
ban'  ashamed  of  her  an'  try  to  git  rid  of  her. 
'Cou'se  I  spressifies  my  surprise  at  whut  Sam 
is  gwine  to  do. 

"  Huh,"  says  he,  "  Fs  des  a-follerin>  de  fash 
ions  of  de  rich  an'  great.  I's  des  gwine  to  do 
lak  dem  millionaireses  does  whut  started  out 
po'  an'  humble,  an'  married  dat  way,  an' 
den  when  dey  got  rich  an'  prosp'ous,  dey 
traded  off  deir  ole  wives  for  new  wives  to 
match  deir  new  parlor  furniture." 

"Whut  for  you  gwine  to  divorsch  Sally 
[  88  ] 


OLD      WIVES      FOE      NEW 

Ann?  "  I  axes  Mm.  "  I  ain't  never  beared  dat 
she  done  nothin'  but  good  to  you." 

"Bat's  de  true  word,"  be  'spons,  "an*  I 
ain't  a-flingin'  no  asparagus  on  Sally  Ann's 
character.  Wbut  I'm  gwine  to  divorscb  ber 
for  is  wbut  dey  calls  in  de  law  de  incompara- 
bility  of  temper,  wbicb  signifies  dat  she's  got 
ole  an'  ugly,  an'  de  rheumatiz,  an'  dat  I  wants 
a  new  wife  whut's  a  good  looker  an'  dat  will 
show  off  de  fine  clothes  dat  I  bangs  on  ber." 

"  Huh,"  says  I,  "  hit  pears  to  me  lak  hit  has 
done  took  a  good  many  yeahs  for  you  to  find 
out  dat  you  an'  Sally  Ann  ain't  got  de  incom- 
parability  of  temper.  I  didn't  hear  nothin' 
'bout  no  incomparability  of  temper  in  de  days 
when  she  went  out  scrubbin'  to  git  money  to 
help  you  along,  an'  when  she  set  up  half  de 
night  a-patchin'  yo'  breeches." 

"  I's  done  outgrowed  Sally  Ann,  an'  pro 
gressed  beyond  her,"  says  he,  "an'  hit  ain't 
right  dat  I  should  be  sacerficed  to  de  mistakes 
of  my  youth."  An'  wid  dem  words  Sam  went 
on  his  way. 

Yassum,  dat's  de  way  bit  goes,  an'  bit  looks 
lak  dat  de  only  way  dat  de  wife  of  a  man 
whut  gits  along  in  de  world  can  keep  from 
[  89  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

bein'  de  mistake  of  his  youth,  is  for  her  to  die. 
When  folks  is  po'  an'  humble  when  dey  mar 
ries,  an'  holds  deir  own  at  not  gittin'  any  bet 
ter  off  as  de  time  goes  by,  dey  seems  to  git 
along  pretty  comfortable  wid  de  same  husban' 
an'  de  same  wife  as  long  as  dey  lives,  but  when 
a  man  makes  money,  de  fust  thing  he  wants  to 
do  is  to  swap  off  his  ole  wife  for  a  new  one  dat 
don't  weigh  mo'  dan  half  as  much  an'  ain't  mo' 
dan  half  as  ole.  Dat's  whut  makes  hit  mighty 
discouragin'  to  a  woman  to  try  to  help  her 
husban'  along,  for  as  long  as  dey's  po',  dar  he 
is,  but  when  he  gits  money,  whar  is  he?  Dere 
ain't  but  one  woman  dat  will  help  a  man  make 
money,  an'  dat's  his  wife.  But  ev'y  woman 
will  help  him  spend  hit. 

Hit's  funny,  ain't  hit,  dat  we  all  sympa 
thizes  wid  de  man  whut  used  to  tote  a  hod  an' 
wear  overalls  when  he  gits  up  so  dat  he  forgits 
his  feet  in  company,  an'  can  wear  one  of  dem 
pigeon-tailed  coats  an'  cutaway  westcoats 
widout  feelin'  lak  he's  half  naked,  when  he  has 
got  a  wife  dat  is  still  de  ve'y  spi't  an'  image  of 
de  kitchen  range?  We  think  hit's  hard  on 
him  to  have  to  be  held  down  in  his  prosperity 
by  dat  kin'  of  a  wife,  an'  we  forgit  dat  ef  he 
[  90  ] 


OLD      WIVES      FOE      NEW 

hadn't  had  dat  kin'  of  a  wife,  he  most  gener 
ally  wouldn't  'a'  had  de  prosperity. 

An'  I  specs  de  Lawd  knows  dat,  an'  dat's 
de  reason  dat  He  so  often  removes  by  death  de 
wife  of  de  man  whut  has  come  up  in  de  world 
instid  of  waitin7  for  her  husban'  to  remove  her 
by  divorsch.  Yassum,  I  suttenly  am  gwine  to 
leave  dis  matter  in  de  Good  Master's  hands. 
An'  I'm  gwine  down-town  de  fust  thing  in  de 
mawnin'  to  buy  me  one  of  dese  heah  new  hoop- 
skirt  silk  frocks  wid  dat  money  I  done  been 
savin'  up  to  help  Ike  along  wid,  fo'  I  ain't 
gwine  to  be  one  of  dem  fool  women  dat  wuks 
herself  to  death  makin'  deir  husbands  a  good 
ketch  for  some  odder  woman.  Nawm,  dat  I 
ain't.  I's  gwine  to  remove  all  temptation  out 
of  dat  man's  path  by  keepin'  him  so  po'  dat 
his  ole  wife  will  be  good  enough  for 


[  91  ] 


MEN  AND  THE  DOMESTIC  ART 

'"BLESS  Gawd  dat  I  done  live  to  see  dis  day," 
says  Sis  Hannah.  Jane  to  me  de  odder  after 
noon  as  she  retched  out  for  de  teapot,  an' 
poured  de  dreenings  into  her  cup.  "  Dey  done 
freed  de  nigger  wid  de  wah,  an'  dey  done  freed 
de  mule  wid  dese  heah  ortymobile  wagons, 
an'  now  we  po'  put-upon  women  is  gwine  to  be 
freed  at  las'." 

"  Glory  be  for  de  hope,"  says  I,  "  but  whar's 
de  wharf o'ness  of  yo'  prognostications?  So 
fur  as  I  kin  see,  things  is  jest  a-rockin'  along 
in  de  same  ole  odd-come-short  way  for  our  sect 
lak  dey  always  is.  Whut's  done  happen  dat 
makes  you  think  dat  we  is  'bout  to  grab  hold 
of  de  tail-fedders  of  de  bird  of  liberty?  " 

"  Why,"  says  Sis  Hannah  Jane,  "  ain't  you 
[  92  1 


DOMESTIC        ART 

heard  tell  dat  out  dere  at  dat  college  in  de 
West,  dat  dey's  teachin'  all  de  boys  how  to 
cook  an'  how  to  sew,  so  dat  when  dey  grows  up 
dey  kin  git  up  an'  git  deir  own  breakfas',  an' 
sew  on  deir  own  buttons,  an'  darn  deir  own 
socks,  an'  patch  deir  own  britches,  so  dat  deir 
wives  won't  have  a  thing  to  do  but  to  go  to  de 
movin'-picture  show,  an'  de  bargain  sales,  an' 
meander  an'  peruse  up  an'  down  de  streets  in 
deir  good  clothes? 

"  Dis  is  de  real  all-wool,  dyed  in  de  yarn 
emancipation  of  our  sect.  Whut  was  bein' 
freed  of  yo'  political  shackles  to  bein'  freed 
from  de  washtub  an'  de  cookin'  stove?  Whut's 
de  privilege  of  de  ballot  to  de  privilege  of 
havin'  a  husband  dat'll  do  all  de  fambly 
mendin'?  I  tell  you,  Sis  Mirandy,  ma'am,  de 
glad  day  of  freedom  is  a-dawnin'  for  us  po' 
pussecuted,  down-trodden  women,  an'  hit's 
comin'  along  of  de  sewin' -machine  route  for 
men." 

"  Well,  Sis  Hannah  Jane,"  'spons  I,  "  ever 
sence  we  sent  Thomas  Jefferson  Abraham  Lin 
coln  off  to  college,  an'  me  an'  his  pa  wuked  our 
fingers  to  de  bone  to  pay  for  hit,  an'  all  dat  he 
come  home  wid  wuz  a  college  yell,  an'  a  f  rater- 
[  93  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

nity  pin,  an'  two  busted  ribs,  an'  de  opinion 
dat  he  was  ole  man  Solomon  hisself,  an'  dat 
his  parients  wuz  back  numbers,  I'se  been  kin' 
of  suspicious  of  dat  higher  culchah.  Hit  looks 
lak  to  me  dat  hit  don't  take  on  jest  ordinary 
folks,  an'  de  odder  kind  ketch  hit,  anyway. 
But  maybe  ef  dey's  gwine  to  mix  up  de  book 
larnin'  wid  some  sewin'  an'  cookin',  hit'll  sort 
of  take  de  curse  off  of  a  college  eddication." 

"All  de  same,  Sis  Mirandy,"  'sclaims  Sis 
Hannah  Jane,  "  hit's  a  grand  idee  to  teach 
men  how  to  be  handy  aroun'  de  house,  an'  I 
jest  loves  to  think  of  dat  class  of  earnest-eyed 
young  men  bein'  taught  how  to  walk  de  colic, 
an'  fix  de  baby's  bottle,  an'  havin'  hit  proned 
in  on  deir  youthful  minds  dat  you  don't  wash 
a  baby  lak  you  does  a  setter-pup.  Why,  Sis 
Mirandy,  ef  my  husban'  wuz  to  ondertake  to 
bathe  my  little  Blanche  Snowdrop,  I  makes  no 
doubt  dat  he'd  soap  her  all  over  wid  mange 
soap,  an'  den  take  her  by  her  years  an'  souse 
her  down  in  de  tub,  an'  den  set  her  out  in  de 
sun  to  dry. 

"  I  tell  you,  Sis  Mirandy,  I  ain't  never  dast 
let  deir  pa  nuss  none  of  my  chillun,  becaze  he 
handles  a  baby  lak  hit  wuz  a  sack  of  potatoes, 
[  94  ] 


DOMESTIC        ART 

an'  lie's  des  as  liable  to  hoi'  hits  head  down  as 
hits  feet,  but,  thank  Gord,  all  of  my  chillun  is 
dat  dark  complected  dey  don't  show  dirt,  so 
dey  kin  wait  ontil  I  gits  time  to  wash  'em  my 
self." 

"Amen,"  'spons  I,  "an'  you  had  orter  see 
Ike,  my  ole  man,  when  he  tries  to  sew  on  a 
button.  He  starts  off  wid  a  gran'  nourish,  an' 
a-wearin'  de  look  of  one  of  dese  heah  early 
Christian  martyrs,  dat  Br'er  Jinkins  tell  'bout, 
whut's  done  been  tooken  in  an'  sold  a  gold 
brick  of  a  wife,  but  whut  is  too  noble  to  say 
de  things  'bout  hit  dat  he's  entitled  to  say. 
When  I  sees  him  wid  dat  sufferin'  an'  resigned 
expression,  a-makin'  for  my  wuk  basket,  I 
knows  dat  he's  done  busted  a  button  off,  an'  is 
mad  becaze  I  ain't  been  mind-reader  enough 
to  know  hit. 

"  Den  he  rummages  through  my  sewin' 
things  ontel  he  makes  a  mess  dat  hit  takes  me 
two  hours  to  straighten  out,  an'  den  he  picks 
out  de  littlest  needle,  an'  de  biggest  thread  in 
hit,  an'  den  he  goes  over  by  de  window  an' 
braces  hisself  in  a  chair  against  de  wall  lak  he 
was  startin'  into  a  wrastlin'  match.  I  offers 
to  sew  on  de  button,  an'  he  says :  '  Go  'way, 
[  95  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOBT8 

woman,  dere  ain't  none  of  your  sect  dat  kin  do 
mo'  dan  paste  a  button  on.  I  want  dis  one  to 
hoi',  so  I'se  gwine  to  sew  hit  on  myself.7  Den 
I  offers  to  thread  the  needle,  an'  he  lows  dat 
he  ain't  lost  his  eyesight,  nor  yit  de  use  of  his 
hands,  an'  dat  ef  I'll  go  an'  'tend  to  my  busi 
ness,  he  can  'tend  to  his,  widout  de  benefit  of 
any  of  my  advice.  Den  I  goes  away. 

"  Long  'bout  a  half -hour  afterwards  I  come 
along  ag'in,  an'  Ike  has  got  forty-leven  spools 
of  thread,  an'  fo?  papers  of  needles  scattered 
'round  him,  an'  is  done  tuk  off  his  collar,  an' 
spit  on  his  hand,  an'  at  las'  has  got  de  needle 
threaded,  an'  a  kind  of  light  of  triumph  is 
shinin'  on  his  brow. 

"  Den  he  makes  a  jab  at  de  button,  an'  he 
can't  find  de  hole,  an'  den  he  makes  'bout  fo' 
mo'  jabs,  widout  finding  it,  an'  den  all  of  a 
sudden  his  needle  goes  through  de  hole,  onex- 
pected  lak,  an'  'bout  a  inch  into  his  thumb, 
an'  Ike  gives  a  jump  dat  makes  de  cheer  slip, 
an'  he  falls  on  de  flo',  an'  he  gits  up  doin'  a 
war  dance,  an'  a-suckin'  his  thumb,  an'  a-sayin' 
things  dat  ain't  becomin'  in  no  Christian  man 
whut's  a  elder  in  de  chu'ch.  An'  I  finishes 
sewin'  on  de  button,  an'  'bout  de  time  dat  de 
[  96  ] 


DOMESTIC       ART 

sore  gits  out  of  his  finger  lie  commences  to 
brag  'bout  how  much  he  knows  'bout  sewing 
an'  how  he  always  sews  on  his  own  buttons." 

"Whut  you  say,  Sis  Mirandy,"  says  Sis 
Hannah  Jane,  "  is  de  ve'y  spit  an'  image  of  de 
way  my  husban'  acts  on  dem  lak  occasions. 
Dat's  why  dey's  gwine  to  teach  dem  college 
boys  how  to  sew,  so  dey  can  wrastle  wid  deir 
own  buttons  widout  losin'  deir  grip  on  deir 
religion.  Teachin'  dem  boys  dem  household 
tasks,  so  to  speak,  sholy  is  a  gran'  idee,  an'  hit 
gwine  to  stop  a  lot  of  dis  heah  divorsch  evil." 

"  Wai,  I  dunno,  Sis  Hannah  Jane,"  I  'spons, 
"  hit  looks  lak  to  me  dat  hit's  mo'  calculated 
to  encourage  argyment  in  de  fambly  circle  dan 
hit  is  to  perniote  harmony.  Seems  lak  to  me 
dat  I  can't  edzactly  see  de  dove  of  peace 
roostin'  on  de  roof -pole  of  dat  house  whar  de 
man  of  de  fambly  is  always  a-handin'  out  ad 
vice  to  his  wife  'bout  how  she  should  make  de 
chillun's  clothes,  an'  cook  de  vittels,  an'  a-tell- 
in'  her  dat  he  always  double-fell  his  seams, 
an'  browned  his  flour  for  thickening  gravy, 
instid  of  doin'  things  de  slack  way  she  does 
'em. 

"  I  don'  know  how  you  be,  Sis  Hannah  Jane, 
[  97  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

but  ef  dere's  one  thing  in  dis  world  dat  does 
rile  me  an7  git  my  dander  up,  hit  is  for  any 
body  to  pass  any  remarks  on  de  way  I  cooks 
things ;  an'  ef  I  wuz  married  to  a  man  dat  wuz 
always  a-tellin'  me  dat  his  biscuits  was  always 
light,  an'  his  cake  never  fell,  an'  dat  de  way 
he  cooked  po'k  chops  dey  des  melted  in  yo' 
mouth,  I  lay  dat  'bout  de  second  time  he  done 
hit,  I'd  smash  all  of  de  dishes  over  his  haid, 
an'  dat  dere  would  be  a  call  for  de  amberlansh 
in  dat  once-happy  home. 

"  No,  Sis  Hannah  Jane,  believe  me,  hit  ain't 
gwine  to  make  for  no  happy  home  for  de  man 
to  know  mo'  'bout  cookin'  dan  his  wife  does. 
For  whut  does  de  Good  Book  say  on  dis  p'int 
to  men :  '  Eat  whut  is  set  bef  o'  you,  an'  ax  no 
questions.  An'  pass  no  criticisms.'  De 
grounds  in  de  coffee-pot  is  been  de  grounds  of 
mo'  dan  one  divorsch  already,  an'  dey  would 
be  mo'  ef  ev'y  man  wuz  a  free-hand  cook." 

"  Dat's  de  true  words,  Sis  Mirandy,"  agrees 
Sis  Hannah  Jane,  "  an'  mo'over  an'  lakwise, 
dere  ain't  no  odder  man  in  de  world  dat  is  so 
set  up  an'  bigoty  as  de  man  dat  thinks  dat  he 
knows  how  to  cook.  Lawd,  dest  let  one  of  de 
po'  things  go  a-campin'  an'  cook  up  some  sort 
[  98  ] 


DOMESTIC        ART 

of  a  mess  dat  dey  can  gulp  down,  becaze  dey's 
dat  hongry  dat  they  could  eat  turnpike  rocks, 
an'  tenpenny  nails,  an'  lie  don't  git  through 
braggin'  over  hit  to  de  las'  day  of  his  life.  An' 
when  a  man  does  ondertake  to  cook  anything, 
hit  takes  all  de  pots,  an'  pans,  an'  spoons,  an' 
cups  in  de  house,  an'  he  wastes  enough  vittels 
to  run  de  fambly  a  week  makin'  one  dish. 

"  Wai,  anyway,"  goes  on  Sis  Hannah  Jane, 
"  hit  sho'  would  be  a  comfort  to  have  a  hus- 
ban'  dat  knows  when  yo'  hat  is  on  straight,  an' 
dat  you  could  pass  a  pleasant  evenin'  wid  dis- 
cussin'  de  new  styles,  an'  whedder  skirts  wuz 
to  be  longer  or  shorter,  and  sleeves  full  or 
skimpy,  an'  odder  topics  of  burnin'  interest  to 
women. 

"  Mo'over,  Sis  Mirandy,  maybe  if  men  could 
fin'  out  by  axual  pussonal  'sperience  dat 
cookin',  an'  washin',  an'  takin'  care  of  babies 
is  a  perpetual  motion  job,  an'  de  hardest  wuk 
on  earth,  dey  would  have  a  little  mo'  pity  for 
dem  whut's  wrastlin'  wid  hit,  an'  lend  deir 
wives  a  helpin'  han'  wid  de  spring  sewin'." 

"  Shoo,  Sis  Hannah  Jane,"  says  I,  "  you'se 
barkin'  up  de  wrong  tree,  for  dere  won't  be  no 
marryin'  when  ev'y  man  is  his  own  cook  an' 
[  99  ] 


M    I    B    A    X    D    Y        EXHOETS 

seamstress.  Dere  comes  a  time  in  ev'y  bache 
lor's  life  when  he's  got  a  drawer  full  of  socks 
wid  holes  in  'em,  an'  his  suspenders  pinned  on 
wid  safety  pins,  an'  his  stomach  turns  at  de 
thought  of  boardin'-house  cookin',  an'  den  hit 
is  dat  de  nearest  woman  snatches  him  up,  an' 
leads  him  lak  a  lamb  to  de  altar.  Dat's  de 
way  de  Lawd  delivers  a  man  into  our  hands ; 
but  ef  he  had  a  good  grip  on  de  needle  an'  de 
fryin'-pan,  he'd  git  away  from  us  ev'y  time." 

"  Mebbe  so,"  'spons  Sis  Hannah  Jane,  "  but 
maybe  when  men  learn  how  to  do  fancy  work, 
de  po'  things  dat  is  drove  to  de  lodge  to  pass 
de  time  of  a  evenin'  can  stay  at  home,  and  en 
joy  deirselves  crochetin',  or  doin'  Battenberg 
work." 

"  Wai,  Sis  Hannah  Jane,"  'spons  I,  "  I  ain't 
in  favor  of  teachin'  men  how  to  cook  an'  sew, 
an'  make  'em  thereby  independent  of  us 
women.  Nawm,  we  need  all  de  strangle-hold 
on  de  weddin'-ring  dat  we  can  git,  an'  ef  de 
time  comes  when  a  man  don't  have  to  marry 
to  git  a  cook  dat  can't  give  notice  and  quit, 
dere's  gwine  to  be  a  mighty  falling  off  in  wed- 
din'  bells.  But,"  I  says  wid  a  sigh,  "  I  agrees 
wid  you  dat  hit  would  be  a  comfort  to  be  mar- 
[  100  ] 


DOMESTIC        ART 

ried  to  a  man  dat  could  tell  you  when  yo'  shu't 
waist  fits  in  de  back,  an'  whedder  yo'  skirt 
hangs  straight  or  slantwise.  But  beyond  dat, 
hit's  money  in  our  pockets  to  keep  men  in  deir 
own  sacred  sphere." 


[  101  ] 


HYPNOTISM  OF  LOVE 

"  Sis  MIRANDY/'  says  Sis  Araminty,  whut  is 
one  of  dese  heah  peradventure  folks  dat  is  al 
ways  a-tryin'  ^hings  on  de  chanst  dat  dey 
might  somehow  wuk  by  accident,  "  Sis  Mi- 
randy,  is  you  done  heard  about  dat  man  whut 
fo'  fo'  dollars  will  teach  you  de  secret  of  how 
to  throw  a  love  conjer  on  anybody  so  dat  dey 
will  des  come  an'  eat  out  of  yo'  hand?  " 

"  Dat  I  ain't,"  I  'spons,  "  an'  ef  I  had  done 
seed  him  doin'  hit,  let  lone  heard  of  hit,  I 
wouldn't  believe  hit.  I'd  know  hit  was  my 
lyin'  eyes  dat  deceived  me." 

"  You  suttenly  always  is  one  of  dem  doubt 
ful  Thomisinas,"  says  Sis  Araminty  sorter 
peeved  lak. 

"  Dere's  meracles  an'  meraclee,"  I  'spons, 
[  102  ] 


HYPNOTISM      OF      LOVE 

"  some  of  'em  can  be  wuked,  an'  some  of  'em 
can't  be  wuked,  an'  one  of  dem  things  whut 
nobody  ain't  got  no  receipt  for  makin'  is  love. 
Love  is  angel's  food  all  right.  I  ain't  asputin' 
dat,  but  nobody  can  tell  you  how  to  cook  hit 
up,  or  whut  to  put  in  hit,  or  whut  to  leave  out 
of  hit,  or  how  to  keep  hit  from  fallin'  flat  an' 
settin'  sour  on  yo'  stomach,  or  how  to  warm 
hit  up  an'  make  hit  tasty  again  after  hit  gits 
sorter  cold,  an'  clammy,  an'  heavy." 

"  Maybe  so,  an'  maybe  not  so,"  says  Sis 
Araminty,  "  but,  Sis  Mirandy,  dis  man  whut 
advertises  dat  he  will  teach  you  how  to  cast 
de  love  spell  on  de  one  of  de  odder  sect  dat 
you's  honin'  for  to  ax  you  to  marry  him,  an' 
tole  back  dem  husbands  an'  wives  whut  is 
jumped  over  de  fence  round  de  fambly  circle, 
ain't  no  seventh  son  of  a  seventh  son  dat  was 
bawn  in  a  caul.  He's  a  scientist." 

"  Dere  ain't  no  science  in  love,"  I  'spons, 
"  hit's  all  luck.  Dat's  why  de  gals  whut's  cut 
out  to  make  model  wives  an'  mothers  never 
gits  a  chanst  at  de  job,  an'  noble  young  men, 
who  would  make  any  good  woman  happy,  gits 
tied  up  wid  flibberty-jibberty  gals  dat  thinks 
dat  a  wife's  whole  duty  is  to  grab  her  hus- 
[  103  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHORTS 

band's  wages  an'  blow  hit  in  on  saucepan  hats 
an'  fancy  shoes  befo'  he  gits  a  chanst  to  git  a 
nickel  of  hit. 

"  Why,  Sis  Araminty,"  I  goes  on,  "  ef  dere 
was  any  science  'bout  lovin'  de  right  pusson, 
or  gittin'  de  right  pusson  to  love  you,  dat  any 
body  could  teach,  we'd  all  be  a-livin'  in  de  mil 
lennium,  an'  singin'  songs  of  joy,  instid  of 
most  of  us  castin'  one  wishful  eye  on  Reno,  an' 
one  of  dem  short-order  divorsches  dat  you 
reads  about." 

"  Dat's  des  de  pint,"  'sclaims  Sis  Araminty, 
"  dis  perf essor  dat  I's  a-tellin'  you  'bout  says 
dat  fo'  de  small  sum  of  fo'  dollars  he  can  teach 
wives  how  to  keep  deir  husbands'  affection  al 
ways  at  de  bilin'-point,  lak  hit  was  in  de  days 
of  cou'tship,  instid  of  lettin'  hit  simmer  down 
to  de  lukewarm  state  lak  hit  mostly  does  'bout 
de  time  a  wife  ceases  to  be  a  lady-love  an'  be 
gins  to  be  des  a  cook,  an'  to  take  mo'  interest 
in  bein'  comfortable  dan  she  does  in  lookin' 
lak  a  livin'  picture.  Fo'  dollars  is  a  mighty 
little  sum  for  all  of  dat,  Sis  Mirandy,  an'  as 
for  me  I'd  ruther  retain  my  husband's  love  by 
puttin'  a  conjer  on  him  dan  by  doin'  widout 
pie  for  dinner." 

[  104  ] 


HYPNOTISM      OF      LOVE 

"Huh/'  I  'sclaims,  "easy  come,  easy  go! 
Ef  you  wants  to  fling  away  de  money  you  done 
make  by  bendin'  over  de  washtub  on  dat  fool 
ishness,  hit's  yo'  funeral  an7  not  mine."  An' 
den  I  rocked  back  an'  forth  in  my  chair  in  dat 
discontemptuous  way  dat  we  all  does  when  we 
hands  out  good  advice  to  folks  dat  won't  take 
hit. 

"  Sis  Mirandy,"  axes  Sis  Araminty,  "  ain't 
you  got  no  faith  whatsomever  in  dis  heah  love- 
hypnotism  business?" 

"  Sho'  I  believes  in  hit,"  I  'spons.  "  Love 
ain't  nothin'  else  but  hypnotism,  but  you  don't 
cast  no  conjer  on  anybody  else.  You  puts  hit 
on  yo'self,  an'  as  long  as  hit  wuks  on  yo'  own 
system  you  is  happy  an'  saterfied,  an'  de  min 
ute  somebody  breaks  de  spell  on  you  an'  you 
wakes  up,  you  is  mis'able. 

"  You  is  always  hear  in'  men  an'  women 
talkin'  'bout  how  de  ones  dat  dey  married 
changed  after  marriage.  Hit  ain't  true.  De 
ones  dat  is  changed  is  de  ones  dat  done  hyp 
notized  deirselves  into  thinkin'  dat  some  po', 
onery,  ev'y-day  sort  of  a  man  or  woman  was  a 
hero  of  romance,  or  a  pin-feathered  angel,  an' 
when  dey  come  to  an'  see  deir  husbands  an' 
[  105  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHORTS 

wives  as  dey  really  was,  an'  as  dey  always  had 
been,  why  dey  didn't  have  de  nerve  to  stand 
hit. 

"  Why,  Sis  Araminty,"  I  goes  on,  "  do  you 
suppose  dat  dere  would  ever  be  an  odder  wed 
ding  ef  we  didn't  conjer  ourselves  into  be- 
lievin'  dat  de  pusson  we  marries  is  whut  we 
want  'em  to  be  instid  of  whut  dey  is?  Nawm, 
we  marries  our  dreams  instid  of  real  flesh  an' 
blood  folks. 

"  Ev'y  gal  thinks  dat  she'd  lak  to  marry  a 
man  'bout  seven  feet  high,  wid  a  chest-measure 
lak  a  giant,  an'  somebody  dat  would  be  hard 
an'  cold  to  all  de  balance  of  de  worl',  but  lak 
putty  in  her  hands,  an'  dat  won't  ask  nothin' 
else  in  life,  after  he  gits  married,  but  des  de 
privilege  of  tellin'  her  how  beautiful  she  is. 

"An'  pretty  soon  de  gal  meets  up  wid  a  lit 
tle  man  dat's  'bout  de  size  of  a  shrivelled  pea 
nut,  an'  dat's  so  timid  dat  he  jumps  when  you 
speak  to  him  sudden,  an'  dat  ain't  got  no  mo' 
highfallutin'  love  talk  in  him  dan  dere  is  in  a 
ham  sandwich,  an'  de  gal  looks  at  him,  an' 
looks  at  him  until  he  begins  to  grow,  an'  git  a 
halo  'bout  him  ontel  he  seems  to  her  des  de 
prezact  image  of  dat  big,  fine-lookin'  hero  of 
[  106  ] 


HYPNOTISM      OF      LOVE 

romance  dat  she  always  thought  she  would  git 
for  a  husband,  an'  she  marries  him  on  dat  flat- 
fonn.  But  she  done  conjered  herself.  De 
man  ain't  had  no  part  in  castin'  de  spell  on 
her. 

"An'  hit's  de  same  way  wid  men.  De  men 
dat  has  got  de  most  shiftless  an7  no-'count 
wives  is  always  a-braggin'  on  dem  instid  of 
lambastin'  dem.  Hit's  becaze  dem  men  is 
done  figured  out  de  kind  of  wives  dey  wanted, 
an'  den  dey  done  dress  deir  wives  up  in  de 
kind  of  virtues  dey  wanted  'em  to  have,  an' 
dey  ain't  found  out  de  wives  ain't  got  'em. 

"An'  dat's  de  reason,  Sis  Ararninty,  dat  I 
don't  never  call  a  wife's  or  husband's  attention 
to  de  faults  of  de  partners  of  deir  bosoms,  for 
des  as  long  as  a  woman  thinks  dat  her  hus 
band  is  so  good  lookin'  dat  ev'y  odder  woman 
would  take  him  away  from  her  ef  she  could, 
why  hit's  des  as  good  as  de  real  thing  to  her. 
An'  des  as  long  as  a  man  believes  he  drawed  a 
cross  betwixt  a  Venus  an'  Hetty  Green  an'  a 
cook-book  in  de  matermonial  lottery,  why  he 
des  goes  'bout  in  a  tranch  of  bliss,  an'  you 
can't  pry  him  away  from  his  own  fireside. 

"  Nawm,  you  don't  catch  me  wakin'  nobody 
[  107  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

up,  an'  when  women  babbles  along  to  me  'bout 
how  wise  an'  great,  an'  handsome  deir  hus 
bands  is,  an'  when  husbands  brags  to  me  'bout 
how  deir  wives  is  de  greatest  managers  dat 
ever  was,  an'  can  make  biscuits  dat  des  melts 
in  deir  mouths,  I  des  pats  'em  on  de  back,  an' 
tries  to  shoo  'em  back  to  sleep  again,  for  mar 
ried  folks  is  only  happy  as  long  as  dey  can 
keep  deirselves  hypnotized  into  thinkin'  whut 
dey  wants  to  think." 

"  Sis  Mirandy,"  says  Sis  Araminty,  "do  you 
reckon  dat  our  husbands  sees  us  still  as  young, 
an'  slim,  an'  spry,  lak  we  was  when  dey  picked 
us  out  for  wives,  or  do  dey  see  us  as  we  is  now, 
ole  an'  fat  an'  heavy  footed?  " 

"  Sis  Araminty,"  I  'spons,  "  hit's  my  opin 
ion  dat  a  man  don't  ever  take  a  second  look  at 
his  wife  after  he  gits  married  to  her.  An' 
dat's  Gord's  mercy  to  women.  An'  anyway 
Ike's  a  heavy  sleeper,  so  I  trusses  for  de  best." 


[  108  ] 


THE  HAPPINESS  CULT 

DE  odder  night  Sis  Luellen,  whut  is  one  of 
dese  heah  women  whut  is  always  displaying  on 
deir  pusson  de  latest  wrinkle  in  clothes,  an' 
religion,  drapped  into  my  house,  an'  she  set 
up  all  de  evenin'  a-grinnin'  lak  a  possum, 
dough  whut  call  anybody  has  got  to  wear  dat 
oh-be- joyful  look  wid  de  price  of  po'k  chops 
a-soarin'  up  higher  an'  higher  ev'y  day, 
beats  me. 

"  Well,  Sis  Luellen,"  says  I  when  I  couldn't 
stand  no  longer  lookin'  at  her  loopin'  up  her 
mouth  over  her  new  set  of  sto'  teeth,  "hit 
looks  lak  to  me  dat  you  is  mighty  pleased 
'bout  somethin'.  Is  you  done  come  into  a  for 
tune,  or  is  you  heard  dat  de  Lawd  has  done 
[  109  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

took  yo?  ma-in-law,  or  is  any  odder  good  luck 
done  come  yo'  way?  " 

"  Oh,  no,"  'spons  Sis  Luellen,  "  ev'ything  is 
jes'  rockin'  along  de  same  ole  way  wid  me. 
De  change  is  in  me.  Fse  done  jined  de  Glori- 
anna  Sciety." 

"De  who?"  I  axes. 

"  De  Glorianna  Sciety,"  says  Sis  Luellen. 

"An'  how  does  you  promulgate  de  whar- 
foreness  of  dat?  "  I  inquires. 

"  Oh,"  says  Sis  Luellen,  a-gittin'  another 
grip  on  her  grin,  "  de  Glorianna  Sciety  is  or 
ganized  for  de  puppose  of  permotin'  happi 
ness,  an'  de  members  take  a  pledge  to  always 
keep  a-smilin',  no  matter  how  much  dey  feels 
lak  cryin'. 

"  Lakwise  we  stands  on  de  flatf orm  dat  ev'y- 
thing  is  all  right  whedder  hit's  wrong  or  not, 
an*  dat  ef  you  des  keep  on  a-smiliii'  long 
enough  you'll  git  something  to  smile  'bout  at 
last.  Oh,  de  Glorianna  Sciety  suttenly  is  a 
grand  Sciety,  Sis  Mirandy,  an'  you  had  orter 
jine  hit." 

"Not  me,"  ?spons  I,  "for  I  don't  take  no 
stock  in  dat  make-believe  happiness  doctrine. 
When  you  hears  ole  Mirandy  gittin'  up  an' 
[  HO  ] 


THE      HAPPINESS      CULT 

lettin'  out  any  halleluiah  hollers,  you  jes? 
write  it  down  in  yo'  little  book  dat  she's  got 
somethin'  to  shout  over.  She  ain't  wastin'  no 
steam  on  pertendin'  dat  she's  done  drawed  a 
prize  in  de  lottery  when  all  dat  she's  got  is  a 
blank. 

"  Furdermo',"  I  goes  on,  "ef  dere's  any 
thing  in  dis  world  dat  gits  on  my  nerves  an' 
makes  me  tired,  hit's  dese  people  dat  makes  a 
business  of  bein'  cheerful  an'  gay,  an'  who 
puts  on  deir  smiles  in  de  mawnin',  des  lak  dey 
pins  on  deir  false  hair,  an'  wears  'em  all  day 
no  matter  whut  happens.  Deir  laugh  is  des 
'bout  as  much  lak  de  real  thing  as  dis  heah 
mock  duck  dat  I  makes  out  of  bread-crums  an' 
veal  trimmings  is  lak  a  fo'-dollar  teal  quacker. 

"  Yassum,  Sis  Luellen,  I  reckon  'bout  de 
saddest  thing  dis  side  of  a  funeral  is  one  of 
dese  heah  perfessional  rays  of  sunshine.  I 
used  to  know  one  of  'em  once  named  Sis  Pa 
tience,  an'  Sis  Patience  was  one  of  dese  sway- 
back  women  dat  look  lak  she  done  got  all  de 
odds  an'  ends  of  misery  an'  bad  luck  dat  was 
lef  over  when  odder  folks  got  deir  share  of 
tribulations.  Sis  Patience  was  married  to  a 
no-account,  triflin'  man  dat  was  bawn  too 
[  HI  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

tired  to  wuk,  so  site  had  to  support  him.  An' 
she  had  de  rheumatics  in  her  knees,  an'  de  dys 
pepsia  in  her  stomach,  an'  de  misery  in  her 
haid,  an'  twins,  an'  triplets,  an'  odder  afflic 
tions. 

"Yassum,  she  suttenly  was  travellin' 
through  de  low  grounds  of  trials  an'  tribula 
tions,  but  instid  of  settin'  down  and  sheddin' 
barrels  of  tears  an'  complainin'  'bout  her  lot, 
she  went  'bout  smilin'  until  hit  made  yo'  face 
ache  to  look  at  her.  I'd  go  over  to  her  house 
an'  dere  would  be  Sis  Patience  at  de  washtub 
wid  her  jaws  tied  up  wid  de  neuralgy,  but 
a-smilin'  along  lak  she  had  on  a  flower  bonnet 
an'  was  a-startin'  out  to  a  picnic. 

"  Maybe  Br'er  Amos  would  come  home  dat 
tanked  up  wid  red-eye  he  had  to  make  fo' 
passes  at  hit  befo'  he  could  hit  de  do',  but  Sis 
Patience  would  smile  at  him  des  lak  he  was  a 
lover  bringin'  home  a  bouquet  an'  his  pay  en 
velope,  instid  of  a  jag.  Maybe  de  twinses 
would  be  fightin'  all  over  de  flo'  an'  a-yowlin' 
lak  a  pack  of  catamounts,  but  Sis  Patience 
would  keep  on  a-smilin'  at  dem  lak  dey  was 
angel  chillun  named  Percy. 

"An'  she'd  smile,  an'  smile,  an'  smile,  ontel 


THE      HAPPINESS      CULT 

she'd  git  me  dat  crazy  a-lookin'  at  dat  grin  dat 
wouldn't  come  off  dat  I  felt  lak  I  was  goin' 
crazy." 

"But,  Sis  Mirandy,"  'sclaims  Sis  Luellen, 
"  but  shorely  you  believes  dat  hit  is  a  woman's 
place  to  be  cheerful  in  her  f ambly,  an'  to  meet 
her  husband  wid  a  glad,  sweet  smile  when  he 
comes  home?  " 

"  Fur  from  it,"  'spons  I ;  "  sometime  hit's  a 
wife's  duty  to  meet  her  husband  wid  a  glad, 
sweet  smile,  an'  sometimes  hit's  her  duty  to 
meet  him  wid  a  club,  or  a  flatiron,  whichever 
she  is  handiest  wid.  Whedder  hit's  a  wife's 
business  to  smile  or  not  depends  on  whedder 
her  husband  gives  her  anything  to  smile  'bout. 
Ef  my  old  man  Ike  wants  me  to  be  Little  Sun 
shine  aroun'  de  house,  he's  got  to  come  acrost. 

"  Yassum,  Sis  Luellen,  you  listen  to  me,  for 
I'se  a-givin'  you  de  true  words,  dis  heah  cheer 
fulness  business  sounds  mighty  good  to  listen 
to,  but  you  take  hit  from  me,  de  women  whut 
has  got  husbands  dat  walks  in  de  straight  an' 
narrow  path,  an'  chillun  dat  behaves  deir- 
selves,  is  women  dat  bears  mo'  resemblance  to 
a  toranado  dan  dey  does  to  a  ray  of  sunshine. 
Folks  gits  out  of  de  way  of  a  hurricane,  but 
[  113  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

dey  kind  of  dilly-dallies  along  wid  a  mild 
spring  mawnin',  an'  dat's  de  way  dey  treats  a 
woman.  De  woman  dat's  got  influence  in  her 
own  home  is  de  one  dat  has  got  a  frown  lak  a 
thunder-cloud,  an'  a  tongue  like  a  streak  of 
lightening  not  one  of  dese  heah  pussy-cat 
smilers  dat  sets  up  an7  grins,  no  matter  how 
folks  rubs  her  fur  de  wrong  way." 

"  But  think  whut  a  grand  place  de  world 
would  be  ef  we  all  went  'bout  smilin',"  says 
Sis  Luellen. 

"  Humph,"  'spons  I,  "  I  specs  dat  when  de 
good  Lawd  made  de  sunshine,  He  knowed 
whut  He  was  'bout,  an'  when  He  made  de  rain 
an'  de  storm  He  lakwise  knowed  whut  He  was 
'bout,  an'  dat  He  wouldn't  have  mixed  'em  up, 
wid  sunshine  after  rain,  an'  rain  after  sun 
shine,  widout  dat  had  been  de  bes'  way  to  fix 
hit.  Lakwise,  I'se  also  of  de  opinion  dat  He 
expects  us  to  know  when  we  are  happy,  an'  to 
know  when  we  are  miserable,  an'  not  to  be 
fools  enough  to  make  out  dat  we'se  havin'  de 
time  of  our  lives  when  we'se  got  a  jumpin' 
toothache,  an'  dat  we  enjoys  performin'  on  a 
washtub,  an'  is  flattered  to  death  when  we 
overhears  somebody  say  dat  we'se  gittin'  ole 


THE      HAPPINESS      CULT 

an'  fat,  an'  our  new  hat  is  ten  yeahs  too  young 
for  us. 

"  Why,  Sis  Luellen,  de  biggest  consolation 
dat  dere  is  in  trouble  is  bein'  able  to  lift  up 
our  voices,  an'  weep,  an'  lament,  des  lak  hit 
takes  de  pain  away  when  you'se  sick,  ef  you 
can  groan  aloud,  but  ef  you  keeps  up  all  of  dat 
smilin'  business  an'  makes  out  you  is  enjoyin' 
yourself  when  you'se  sick,  you  ain't  got  no 
comfort  left  in  yo'  afflictions. 

"  Yassum,  dere's  a  time  to  be  glad,  an'  a 
time  to  be  sad,  an'  a  time  to  be  mad,  an'  dere 
ain't  no  sense  in  mixin'  'em  up.  As  for  me,  I 
likes  to  laugh  as  well  as  de  next  one,  but  I 
want  somethin'  to  laugh  'bout.  I  wants  some- 
thin'  inside  of  me  dat  tickles  my  funny-bone, 
an'  sets  de  bells  ringin'  in  my  heart,  an'  makes 
all  de  world  bright,  an'  sunshiny,  an'  me 
feelin'  lak  a  painted  balloon  a-sailin'  over 
sparklin'  water.  Dat's  de  way  I  wants  to  feel 
when  I  laugh.  I  don't  want  to  give  out  one  of 
dese  heah  imitation,  near-laughs  dat  you  keep 
on  tap,  an'  dat  you  turns  on  to  keep  from 
turnin'  on  de  tear  tap. 

"  Nawm,  I  wants  to  be  glad  when  I'm  glad, 
an'  miserable  when  I'm  miserable,  an'  to  keep 


MIEANDY  EXHOETS 
my  fambly  dodgin'  betwixt  de  cyclon^ellar 
an'  de  sun-parlor.  For  dat  way  you  keeps  a 
man  guessin'.  An'  as  long  as  you've  got  a 
man  guessin'  you'se  got  Mm.  You  hear  me ! " 


EUGENICS 

"  Sis  MIRANDY/'  says  Sis  Violet  to  me  de 
odder  day  when  she  drapped  over  to  my  house 
to  set  a  while  an'  pass  de  time  of  day,  "  Sis 
Mirandy,  what  do  you  think  'bout  dis  heah 
eugenics  dat  Br'er  Johnsing  promulgates  so 
much  'bout?  " 

"  Eugeny  who?  "  I  axed.  "  I  disremembers 
meetin'  de  lady,  but  ef  Br'er  Johnsing  is 
a-takin'  any  interest  in  her,  I  bet  she  ain't  no 
better  dan  she  ought  to  be,  whoever  she  is." 

"  Eugenics  ain't  no  female  pusson,"  'spons 
Sis  Violet,  "  hit's  a  cause." 

"  Whut  sort  of  a  cause?  "  I  inquires.    "  One 

of  dese  heah  causes  whut  you  passes  aroun'  de 

hat  for,  or  one  of  dem  causes  dat  you  puts  on 

airs  'bout  becaze  hit's  toney  to  believe  in  hit?  " 

[  111  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

"  Well,  I  don't  edzactly  onderstand  de  whar- 
foreness  an'  de  whereasness  of  hit  myself," 
says  Sis  Violet,  "  but  as  near  is  I  can  make 
out,  hit's  havin'  chillun  by  a  new-fangled  cut- 
paper  pattern,  instid  of  in  de  ole  Mt-or-miss 
way." 

"  De  Ian'  sake,  you  don't  say  so !  "  'sclaims 
I.  "  But  dat's  takin'  de  Lawd's  wuk  out  of 
His  hands." 

"  Humph,"  'spons  Sis  Violet,  "  Sis  Mirandy, 
you  sholy  is  behind  de  times,  for  hit's  a  mighty 
pin-haided  pusson  in  dese  days  dat  don't  think 
dat  dey  can  manage  things  better  dan  de  Good 
Master  kin." 

"  Babies  is  de  Lawd's  wuk,"  says  I,  "  an'  He 
sends  'em  as  He  pleases,  for  how  else  is  hit  dat 
po'  folks  always  gits  de  twinses  an'  triplets, 
whilst  rich  folks  has  to  go  roun'  to  de  orphan 
asylum  an'  buy  'em  a  second-hand  infant?  " 

"  Dat's  whut  eugenics  is  fur,"  'spons  Sis 
Violet ;  "  hit's  to  regulate  de  baby-supply  so 
dat  dem  whut  can't  feed  whut  dey  has  got, 
won't  be  gittin'  anodder  little  boarder  ev'y 
yeah,  an'  so  dat  dem  whut's  got  whole  sets  of 
gold  spoons  to  put  in  de  mouths  of  deir  babies 
when  dey's  born  will  have  de  mouths  to  put 
[  H8  ] 


EUGENICS 

'em  in.  Mo'over,  eugenics  is  givin'  de  chillun 
a  square  deal,  an'  hit's  lettin'  babies  pick  out 
deir  pas  an'  deir  mas  befo'  dey  is  born,  an'  dat 
way  gittin'  de  kind  dey's  proud  to  be  kin  to, 
instid  of  havin'  to  take  de  kind  of  parients  dat 
is  wisht  on  'em." 

"  De  Lawsy  mussy !  You  don't  say  so,"  I 
cries  out.  "  How  I  wisht  dat  eugeny  had  been 
a-wukin'  when  I  was  a  baby.  I  know  who  I'd 
'a'  picked  out  for  a  pa.  Hit  would  have  been 
Mister  Kockinfeller,  an'  den  I'd  'a'  been 
a-swinunin'  along  in  seas  of  kerosene  instid  of 
wrastlin'  aroun'  to  find  anodder  quarter  to 
drap  in  de  gas-meter." 

"  Yes,"  goes  on  Sis  Violet,  "  hit  seems  lak 
we  done  been  too  casual,  so  to  speak,  in  dis 
heah  baby  business.  We  ain't  had  no  plan. 
We  just  took  'em  as  dey  come,  an'  was  thank 
ful  when  dey  had  de  right  number  of  legs  an' 
arms,  an'  somethin'  dat  looked  lak  hit  might 
look  lak  a  face  instid  of  a  cream  cheese  when 
hit  got  a  little  older.  But  we  don't  take  dem 
chances  on  nothin'  else.  When  you  wants 
watermillions,  you  plants  watermillions. 
When  you  wants  potatoes,  you  plants  pota 
toes.  When  you  raises  hawgs,  you  raises 


MIBANDY        EXHOBTS 

hawgs,  an'  likewise  wid  chickens,  but  when 
you  starts  out  to  raise  a  f ambly,  you  ain't  got 
no  mo'  idee  of  whut  you're  gwine  to  turn  out 
dan  a  rabbit  has.  Dar's  whar  eugenics  steps 
in  an'  shows  you  how  to  have  a  set  of  chillun 
dat  you  can  brag  on  to  de  neighbors." 

"  Oh,  I  don't  know,"  I  'spons,  "  I  done  seen 
some  mighty  slip-ups  wid  folks  dat  thought 
dat  dey  were  smart  enough  to  settle  dis  heah 
chile  proposition  out  of  deir  own  haids.  I  dis- 
remembers  ef  I  ever  seed  a  young  mother  tie 
up  all  her  baby-clothes  wid  pink  ribbon,  an' 
pick  out  George  Washington  for  a  name  be- 
caze  she  had  determined  to  have  a  boy,  dat  hit 
didn't  turn  out  to  be  a  gal.  Nor  is  I  ever  seen 
anybody  start  out  to  raise  up  a  chile  to  be  a 
preacher  dat  he  didn't  turn  out  a  hoodlum. 
Ev'y  baby  is  a  prize  package,  an'  you  don't 
know  whut  hit's  gwine  to  be  nor  whut's  in  hit 
ontel  you  gits  hit.  An'  furdermo'  de  parients 
ain't  got  no  say-so  'bout  whut  dey  are  gittin'. 
Dat's  whut  makes  chillun  so  interesting  Dey 
keeps  you  guessin'." 

"Maybe  dey  used  to  be  dat  way,  Sis  Mi- 
randy,"  says  Sis  Violet,  "but  dat  was  befo' 
dey  invented  dis  heah  eugenics  whut  I's  a-tell- 
[  120  ] 


EUGENICS 

in'  you  'bout.  Now  you  picks  out  your  chil- 
lun's  looks,  an'  deir  size,  an'  de  kind  of  sense 
dey  is  got,  des  lak  you  picks  out  de  hat,  an'  de 
dress  dat's  most  becomingest  to  you,  an'  suits 
yo'  style,  in  de  dry-goods  store." 

"  How  you  do  dat?  "  I  axes  wid  my  mouth 
wide  open,  for  I  suttenly  was  tooken  on  de 
surprise  by  dis  heah  news. 

"Why,"  'spons  Sis  Violet,  "hit's  jest  as 
easy  as  f  allin'  off  a  log.  All  you  got  to  do  is 
to  pick  out  yo'  chillun's  pa,  or  ma,  an'  grand 
pas  an'  grandmas,  an'  great-grandpas  an' 
great-grandmas,  an'  great-great-grandpas  an' 
great-great-grandmas,  an'  great-great-great- 
grandmas  an'  pas,  and  great-great-great-great- 
grandpas  an'  mas,  an'  lakwise  deir  uncles  an' 
aunts  in  de  same  way,  a-tracin'  back  de  blood 
to  kingdom  come,  an'  seein'  dat  none  of  'em 
ain't  got  no  disease,  nor  peculiarity,  nor  cuss- 
edness  dat  you  wouldn't  lak  for  yo'  precious 
darling  baby  to  have.  An'  dar  you  is ! " 

"  Yassum,  I  specs  you  would  be,  an'  dat 
chile  dat  was  de  lineal  descendant  of  all  dem 
puffect  people  sholy  would  be  a  wonder,  but 
don't  you  think  dat  he,  or  she,  or  it,  would  be 
mighty  far  apart,  an'  few  of  'em?  "  I  inquires. 
[  121  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

"Maybe  so,"  'spons  Sis  Violet,  "but  dat's 
de  recipe  for  havin'  a  eugenic  baby.  Follow 
de  rule,  an'  you  can't  fail." 

"  Well,"  'spons  I,  "  I  don't  know  dat  I  takes 
much  stock  in  dat  doctrine.  Hit  looks  to  me 
lak  hit  was  got  up  by  ole  maids  an7  ole  bache 
lors  whut  ain't  had  much  'sperience  in  de  baby 
line,  an'  don't  know  nothin'  at  all  'bout  de  in 
wardness  of  matermony  an'  de  fambly-circle. 
Nawm,  I  don't  hold  none  wid  dat  doctrine 
'bout  seein'  dat  all  yo'  chillun's  kin-folks  on 
deir  pa's  side  is  been  good-lookin',  an'  always 
set  up  in  de  amen-corner  at  chu'ch.  jSawm, 
for  ev'y  mother  of  a  fambly  knows  dat  ef  dere 
is  one  consolation  left  to  her  in  de  world,  hit 
is  layin'  all  of  her  chillun's  faults  an'  short 
comings  onto  deir  pa's  folks. 

"Now,  when  people  flings  bouquets  at  my 
Ma'y  Jane  an'  says  dat  she  suttenly  is  de  spry- 
est  gal,  wid  de  finest  figger,  an'  de  grandest 
walk  of  any  gal  on  our  block,  I  des  ups  an' 
says  dat  hit  ain't  no  wonder,  for  Ma'y  Jane  is 
des  de  sp'it  an'  image  of  my  fambly.  But 
when  de  neighbors  say  dat  Ma'y  Jane  sholy  is 
afraid  of  wuk,  an'  ain't  on  speakin'  terms  wid 
de  cook-stove,  an'  dat  de  way  dat  she  runs 
[  122  ] 


EUGENICS 

after  dat  no-'count  loafer  Si  Jones  is  a  scan 
dal,  I  says  dat  Ma'y  Jane  takes  after  her  pa's 
sister  Irene,  an'  dat  hit  don't  look  lak  she's 
got  a  drop  of  my  blood  in  her  body.  Yassum, 
dis  heah  eugeny  is  gwine  take  away  one  of  de 
greatest  comforts  of  parients  ef  dey  can't  lay 
all  of  deir  chillun's  shortcomings  on  de  kind 
of  kin-folks  dey  had  on  de  odder  side  of  de 
house. 

"An'  hit's  kind  of  hard  on  de  chillun,  too, 
for  hit  don't  give  dem  no  excuse  for  deir  sins 
an'  deir  failures.  Yassum,  I  guess  heredity  is 
de  most  overworked  excuse,  goin'  an'  comin', 
in  de  world,  an'  ef  you  do  away  wid  dat,  hit 
sholy  is  gwine  to  be  a  depravity  to  a  lot  of 
folks. 

"  When  I  goes  to  see  Sis  Malviny  an'  finds 
her  settin'  aroun'  in  a  dirty  caliker  wrapper 
wid  de  bed  onmade,  an'  de  dishes  piled  up  in 
de  sink,  does  Sis  Malviny  hang  her  haid  in 
shame  becaze  she's  triflin'  an'  no  'count? 
Nawm.  She  say  dat  she  takes  after  her  ma, 
whut  de  sight  of  a  broom  always  gives  de  pal 
pitations  of  de  heart,  an'  dat  she's  des  lak  her 
ma's  folks  whut  never  could  abide  de  sight  of 
a  washtub.  Now  whut  I  want  to  know  is  how 
[  123  ] 


MIEANBY        EXHORTS 

dem  po'  little  eugeny  chillun  is  gwine  to  do 
when  dey  can't  lay  deir  failings  on  deir  pari- 
ents,  for  deir  parients  was  done  hand  picked 
for  'em  wid  such  care  dat  dey  was  all  models 
of  virtue. 

"An'  furdermoy  I  continues,  "maybe  I'd 
think  mo'  of  dis  heah  theory  'bout  tellin'  whut 
a  chile  would  be  by  de  kind  of  parients  it  has 
ef  I  hadn't  seen  de  way  hit  wuks  backward. 
Des  cast  yo'  eye  aroun',  an'  you'll  take  notice 
dat  dem  couples  dat  is  so  ugly  dat  dey'd  stop 
de  clock  most  generally  has  de  best-lookin' 
chillun,  an'  dem  couples  whut  would  take 
prizes  in  a  beauty-show  is  de  parients  of  little 
measly  runts  dat  looks  lak  somethin'  dat  de 
cat  brought  in.  An'  mo'  dan  dat,  wharever 
you  finds  a  triflin'  ma  you'll  find  gals  dat 
knows  how  to  turn  deir  hands  to  any  kind  of 
wuk,  an'  most  of  de  men  dat  is  drawin'  down 
fat  pay  an'  bossin'  de  gang  whar  dey  wuks  is 
de  sons  of  fathers  dat  was  dat  triflin'  dat  dey 
never  could  pay  de  rent  or  keep  po'k-chops  in 
de  skillet  Whilst  de  sons  an'  daughters  of 
hustlin'  parients  ain't  got  de  energy  to  do 
nothin'  harder  dan  go  shoppin'  an'  hold  up  de 
table  at  de  poolroom. 

[  124] 


EUGENICS 

"  Yassum,  hit's  funny,  but  hit's  true  dat  our 
chillun  gits  whut  we  ain't  got  from  us  jes'  as 
often  as  dey  inherits  whut  we  is  got.  An' 
dat's  why  I  ain't  runnin'  off  after  dis  heah 
eugeny  dat  you  talks  'bout.  Mo'over,  de  Lawd 
has  been  makin'  babies  widout  any  advice 
from  us  for  a  mighty  long  time,  an'  as  for 
me — I's  willing  to  let  Him  keep  on  wid  de 
job." 


[125] 


ON  KEEPING  YOUNG 

DB  odder  day  I  drapped  by  Sis  Hannah 
Jane's  house,  an'  lo  an'  behole,  de  fust  thing 
dat  I  set  my  eyeballs  on  when  I  opened  de  do' 
was  Sis  Hannah  Jane  fust  jumpin'  over  de 
melojum  stool,  den  she  would  hist  one  foot  up 
an'  kick  at  de  wall  wid  hit,  an'  den  she  would 
flop  down  on  de  flo'  an'  roll  over,  an'  over,  de 
whilst  her  face  wo'  an  expression  of  patient 
sufferin'. 

Now  Sis  Hannah  Jane  is  a  large  pussonable 
lady,  lak  I  is,  whut  tilts  de  scale  roun'  'bout 
de  two  hundred  pound  mark,  an'  is  got  a  fig- 
ger  lak  a  bundle  a  woman  wrapped  up  an'  is 
had  so  many  birthdays  dat  she  done  lost  de 
count  of  ?em,  an'  hopes  odder  folks  has,  too. 
[  126  ] 


KEEPING        YOUNG 

Mo'over  she  is  a  mother  in  Israel,  an7  de  vice- 
presiden'  of  de  Daughters  of  Zion  an'  leads  de 
female  prayer  meeting  an'  has  got  odder  en 
titlements  to  de  respect  of  de  community,  an' 
so  when  I  see  her  actin'  up  in  dat  curis 
manner  I  sholy  was  dat  flabbergasted  dat 
you  could  'a'  knocked  me  down  wid  a  fed- 
der. 

Fust  I  done  thought  she  done  los'  her  mind, 
an'  den  I  thought  dat  she  sho  was  havin'  fits, 
an'  whilst  I  was  a-standin'  in  de  do'  tryin'  to 
make  up  my  mind  whedder  to  call  de  police, 
or  run  for  a  doctor,  Sis  Hannah  Jane  seen  me, 
an'  she  riz  up,  an'  says  lak  dere  warn't  nothin' 
de  matter : 

"  Mawnin',  Sis  Mirandy,  how  does  you  se- 
gasuate  dis  mawnin'  ?  " 

"  Thank  you  kindly,  Sis  Hannah  Jane,"  I 
'spons.  "  I'se  enjoyin'  po'  health,  as  usual, 
but  I  was  afeard  from  dem  goin's  on  I  seed 
you  havin'  dat  you  was  sudden  tooken  wid 
some  of  dese  heah  new-fangled  diseases,  whut 
dey  tells  me  is  awful." 

"  Nawm,"  she  says,  "  dere  ain't  nothin'  de 
matter  wid  me.  You  jest  ketched  me  doin' 
my  exercises." 

[127] 


MIRANDY        EXHORTS 

"  Exercises ! "  'sclaims  I,  "  de  Ian'  sakes, 
woman,  don't  you  git  enough  exercise  a-cookin' 
an'  a-scrubbin',  an'  a-sewin',  an'  a-cleanin'  up 
after  yo'  fambly?  " 

"Dat's  wuk,  Sis  Mirandy,"  she  'spons; 
"  dese  heah  are  beauty  exercises,  an'  de  whar- 
fo'ness  of  'em  am  to  keep  you  young." 

"  Huh,"  says  I,  "  I  lay  dat  hit'll  tak  mo'  dan 
jumpin'  over  a  stool,  or  havin'  spasms  on  de 
flo',  to  stop  de  clock  for  any  of  us." 

"  Hit  is  kine  of  discouragin',  Sis  Mirandy," 
agrees  Sis  Hannah  Jane  in  a  tired  sort  of  way, 
"  an'  dere  is  times  when  I  wisht  dat  I  dast  be 
jest  as  ole  as  I  is,  but  all  of  de  odder  women  is 
a-spendin'  all  of  deir  money  an'  strength  on 
tryin'  to  keep  young,  an'  I  got  to  trail  along 
wid  'em." 

"De  mo'  idjit,  you,"  says  I,  "becaze  keep- 
in'  young  is  one  of  de  things  dat  can't  be  did, 
Sis  Hannah  Jane,  an'  de  only  pusson  dat  a 
woman  fools  when  she  pretends  to  be  a  pullet 
after  she  is  a  stringy  old  hen  is  herself." 

"Hit's  a  terrible  thing  for  a  woman  to 
grow  ole,  Sis  Mirandy,"  sighs  Sis  Hannah 
Jane. 

"  De  cat's  foot,"  says  I,  "  a  woman  never 
[  128  ] 


KEEPING        YOUNG 

knows  whut  real  happiness  an'  comfort  means 
ontil  she  is  fifty  years  ole,  an'  don't  care  who 
knows  hit,  an'  has  done  made  up  her  mine  dat 
no  man  ain't  gwine  to  turn  roun'  an'  look  at 
her  when  she  passes  him  on  de  street!  Den 
she  can  let  out  her  corset  strings,  an'  eat  whut 
she  laks,  an'  wear  shoes  big  enough  for  her 
feet,  an'  git  some  pleasure  out  of  livin'.  Dat's 
de  kine  of  a  prize  package  dat  age  is,  Sis  Han 
nah  Jane,  ef  a  woman  has  got  sense  enough  to 
retch  out  her  han',  an'  take  hit,  an'  be  grateful 
dat  she's  got  hit,  instid  of  tryin'  to  dodge 
hit. 

"  But  hit  sho  am  a  rocky  road,  an'  hard  to 
travel  ef  you  is  tryin'  to  put  up  a  bluff,  an' 
make  folks  thinks  dat  you  is  sixteen  instid  of 
sixty.  My  Lawd,  but  hit  makes  me  des  slosh 
over  wid  sympathy,  when  I  sees  dem  ole 
grandmas  dat's  paintin'  roses  on  de  cheeks 
whut  ain't  had  a  natchel  one  on  'em  for  thuty 
years,  an'  dat  fills  up  all  of  deir  wrinkles  wid 
rice  powder,  an'  dyes  deir  hair,  an'  acts  young 
an'  skittish  when  deir  po'  ole  bones  is  full  of 
de  misery  of  rheumatics. 

"  Believe  me,  Sis  Hannah  Jane,  dem  ole 
whited  sepulchers  is  missin'  de  best  part  of 
[  129  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

life.  Bey's  missin'  de  peace,  an'  de  comfort, 
an'  de  respect  of  age." 

"But,  Sis  Mirandy,"  axes  Sis  Hannah 
Jane,  "  ef  a  woman  don't  keep  young  how  is 
she  gwine  to  retain  her  husband's  love,  seein' 
as  how  de  older  a  man  gits  de  mo'  his  taste 
runs  to  brilers?  " 

"  Sis  Hannah  Jane,"  'spons  I,  "  ef  by  de 
time  you  has  been  married  to  a  man  thuty-five 
or  forty  years  he  don't  love  you  for  somethin' 
mo'  dan  yo'  age,  he  don't  love  you  at  all,  an' 
dere  ain't  no  use  in  worryin'  'bout  holdin'  him. 
He's  done  jumped  de  bars  an'  gone  out  to 
hunt  for  squabs  so  long  ago  dat  hit  don't 
count.  Besides,  any  woman  dat  thinks  dat 
she  can  fool  a  husband  into  thinkin'  dat  she's 
young  when  she  is  ole,  has  got  dat  little  sense 
dat  she  ought  to  have  her  haid  operated  on  for 
de  sillies. 

"When  a  man  loves  his  wife  when  she's 
fifty,  Sis  Hannah  Jane,  hit's  becaze  she's  dest 
part  of  him,  an'  becaze  she's  wuked  side  by 
side  wid  him  endurin'  all  de  years,  an'  becaze 
he's  knowed  dat  no  matter  ef  all  de  world 
turned  aginst  him  she'd  be  right  at  his  back 
wid  her  arms  open  to  take  him  home  in  'em, 
[  130  ] 


KEEPING        YOUNG 

an'  her  breast  waitin'  for  him  to  pillar  his 
haid  on  hit;  an'  hit's  becaze  he  likes  de  way 
she  fries  po'k  chops  an'  makes  biscuits,  an' 
hit's  becaze  hit  always  seems  to  him  dat  dere 
ain't  no  laugh  so  jolly  as  hers,  an'  she  makes 
sunshine  when  she  comes  into  a  room,  an'  hit's 
becaze  of  de  cradles  dey  has  bent  over  toged- 
der,  an'  de  little  coffins  dey  has  wept  over,  an' 
de  sick  beds  dey  has  watched  over  when  neider 
one  dast  tell  de  odder  whut  dey  feared.  Hit's 
for  de  good  times  an'  de  bad  times  dey  has 
been  through  togedder,  Sis  Hannah  Jane,  dat 
makes  a  man  think  his  ole  wife  is  de  only 
woman  in  de  world.  But  hit  ain't  becaze  she 
done  fooled  him  into  thinkin'  dat  she's  done 
lost  thuty  years  of  her  age,  an'  is  young 
an'  slim  instid  of  bein?  middle-aged  an' 
fat." 

"  Don't  you  wisht  dat  you  was  young  agin, 
Sis  Mirandy?  "  axes  Sis  Hannah  Jane. 

"  Dat  I  don't,"  'spons  I,  « I'se  havin'  a  lot 
better  time  now  dan  I  did  den.  Hit's  taken 
me  fifty  years  to  learn  how  to  be  happy. 
Why,  I  remembers  when  I  was  a  gal  dat  when 
a  rain  would  come  up  so  dat  I  couldn't  go  to 
de  picnic  dat  I  had  planned  for,  I'd  dest  set 
[  131  ] 


KIBANDY        EXHORTS 

down  an'  shed  a  barrel  of  tears,  an'  feel  dat 
life  was  dat  full  of  disappointment  dat  I  had 
jest  as  well  give  up  an7  die. 

"  But  'spose  somethin'  happens  now  so  dat 
I  can't  do  de  thing  I  wants  to  do,  why,  I  jest 
shrugs  my  shoulders,  an'  don't  give  hit  an- 
odder  thought,  for  I  done  found  out  dat  ef  I 
can't  do  one  thing  dat  I'd  lak,  I  can  do  some- 
thin'  else  dat  may  be  I  lak  better,  an'  dat, 
anyway,  dere  ain't  nothin'  dat's  wuth  worryin' 
'bout.  An'  hit  pays  to  be  ole,  Sis  Hannah 
Jane,  dest  to  have  got  dat  piece  of  informa 
tion.  Dat's  why  you  hardly  ever  see  a  ole 
pusson  cry.  Hit's  de  young  dat  sheds  all  de 
tears.  An'  for  anodder  thing,  Sis  Hannah 
Jane,  when  you'se  young,  you'se  always  got  to 
be  improvin'  yo'self,  but  when  you'se  ole  you 
can  dest  amuse  yo'self.  Thank  Gawd,  I  done 
been  to  see  all  dem  plays  whut  elervates  de 
mind,  an'  now  I  can  go  wid  a  clar  conscience 
to  see  dem  whut  makes  me  laugh." 

"Sis  Mirandy,"  axes  Sis  Hannah  Jane, 
"  don't  you  believe  dat  hit's  de  duty  of  people 
when  dey  begins  to  git  ole  to  keep  on  a 
studyin',  tryin'  to  improve  deir  minds  lak  dem 
noble  folkses  whut  Bro'  Jinkins  tells  ?bout  dat 
[  132  ] 


KEEPING        YOUNG 

learned    furrin    langwidges   after    dey    was 
eighty?  " 

"  :NTawm,  dat  I  don't,"  'spons  I.  "  Sis  Han 
nah  Jane,"  says  I,  "  after  you  has  got  up  at  five 
o'clock  in  de  mawnin'  an7  cooked  breakfast,  an' 
got  you'  ole  man  off  to  wuk,  an'  washed  an' 
dressed  de  chillun  an'  sent  'em  to  school,  an' 
den  turned  in  an'  done  a  hard  day's  washin' 
beside  throwin'  in  cookin'  dinner  an'  supper 
an'  doin'  a  lot  of  darnin'  an'  patchin',  when  de 
twilight  comes  don't  you  think  dat  you'se  got 
a  right  to  set  down,  easy  an'  quiet,  an'  take 
things  comfortable?  " 

"  Dat  I  does,"  'spons  Sis  Hannah  Jane. 

"  Well,"  says  I,  "  dat's  de  way  dat  I  looks 
at  de  time  of  life  from  fifty  on  for  a  woman. 
She's  done  done  her  day's  wuk  in  raisin'  her 
fambly,  an'  ef  she's  got  de  sense  dat  Gawd 
promised  a  fishin'  worm,  she  don't  worry  her 
self  no  mo'  'bout  keepin'  young,  nor  keepin' 
up  wid  de  times,  nor  nothin'.  She  dest  sets 
down  in  de  twilight  of  life  an'  takes  things 
easy,  an'  enjoys  herself." 

"Den  whut's  de  matter  wid  all  of  dese 
heah  folks  tryin'  to  teach  women  how  to  keep 
young?  "  axes  Sis  Hannah  Jane. 
[  133  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

"Dey's  false  prophets,"  'sports  I.  "Wlmt 
women  need  is  not  somebody  to  teach  7em  how- 
to  keep  young,  but  somebody  to  teach  'em  how 
to  grow  ole." 


[  134  ] 


LONG  ENGAGEMENTS 

"  DE  odder  night  Gladys  Maude  Geraldine 
come  'round  to  my  house  wid  dat  I-done-hit 
look  on  her  face  dat  a  woman  never  wears 
ceptin'  when  she  hooks  her  first  beau  an7  looks 
at  her  first  baby,  an'  befo'  she  is  done  tackled 
puttin'  up  wid  de  cantankerousness  of  a  hus- 
ban'  or  walkin'  de  colic. 

" '  Rejoice  wid  me,  Sis  Mirandy,'  says  she, 
'  for  I'se  done  got  my  glory  ticket/ 

"  '  Hump,'  'spons  I,  '  by  dem  tokens  I  takes 
hit  dat  Si  Johnsing  has  done  come  through  an' 
popped  de  question,  at  last.' 

" '  Yassuni,7  says  Gladys  Maude  Geraldine, 
'  he  done  axed  me  to  marry  him,  an'  we'se 
engaged.' 

[  135  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOBTS 

" '  Well/  'spons  I,  '  ev'ybody  has  got  a  right 
to  try  matermony  once,  anyhow,  des  for  luck. 
Sometimes  you  gits  fun  out  of  hit,  an'  some 
times  you  gits  trouble  out  of  hit,  but,  anyway, 
hit  saves  you  from  being  a  ole  maid,  an'  gives 
you  a  run  for  yo'  money,  an'  so  I  don't  dis 
courage  none  of  dem  from  enterin'  de  holy 
estate  whut  has  got  sportin'  blood  an'  enjoys 
takin'  foolhardy  risks.  When  is  de  happy 
event  com  in'  off,  so  I  can  git  me  one  of  dese 
heah  new  Bulgin'  dresses  to  wear — for  I  lays 
to  shake  a  foot  at  yo'  weddin'?  ' 

" '  Oh,'  says  Gladys  Maude  Geraldine,  *  Si 
ain't  got  no  job,  an'  we  ain't  got  no  money  to 
git  married  on,  an'  we'se  got  to  wait  ontil  he 
makes  his  fortune — or  leastways  gits  enough 
money  to  pay  de  rent  an'  buy  a  few  po'k  chops.' 

"<De  cat's  foot!'  sclaims  I.  '  You  don't 
mean  to  tell  me,  Gladys  Maude  Geraldine,  dat 
you'se  gone  an'  been  fool  enough  to  tie  yo'self 
up  wid  one  of  dese  heah  O-prornise-me  fellers 
dat  ain't  got  nothin'  but  broken  doses  of  soft 
talk  to  offer  a  woman,  whilst  she's  wearin' 
herself  out  a-waitin'  for  him  to  come  'roun'  an' 
make  good?  De  Lawd  knows  hit's  bad  enough 
to  have  to  stick  to  a  man  after  you  is  married 
[  136  ] 


LONG   ENGAGEMENTS 

to  him,  but  a  woman's  a  plum  idiot  to  hang 
on  to  one,  for  mo'  dan  six  months  at  a  time, 
befo'  she's  married  to  him.  You  take  ole 
Mirandy's  advice,  chile,  an'  bust  dat  engage 
ment  !  In  courtin'  let  yo'  motto  be,  "  put  up, 
or  shut  up."  ? 

" '  Dat  I  won't,'  'spons  Gladys  Maude 
Geraldine,  '  for  in  de  fust  place,  hit  is  hard 
enough  to  catch  a  man,  anyway,  dese  days, 
an'  in  de  second  place,  I  thinks  dat  dere's 
nothin'  so  romantical  as  a  long  engagement. 
De  bond  between  a  engaged  couple  is  a  silken 
cord  dat  binds  two  lovin'  hearts  togedder.' 

" '  Maybe  so,'  says  I,  i  but  I's  done  took 
notice  dat  hit  is  a  bond  dat  is  mighty  apt 
to  git  busted  ef  you  stretches  hit  out  far.  Of 
course,  ev'ybody  to  deir  tastes,  but  ef  I  was 
to  give  a  man  a  option  on  me,  hit  would  have 
to  have  a  time  limit  on  hit.' 

"  *  Why,  Sis  Mirandy !  Don't  you  believe  in 
a  long  engagement? '  axes  Gladys  Maude 
Geraldine. 

"  '  Dat  I  don't! '  I  'spons.  <  I  done  seed  too 
many  engagements  kind  of  fizzle  out,  an'  de 
bride  left  'bout  a  mile  from  de  chu'ch.  A  en 
gagement  is  lak  a  omelet — you  got  to  serve  hit 
[  137  ] 


MIRANDY        EXHORTS 

up  quick  an'  hot,  or  hit'll  fall  flat  an'  git 
flabby. 

" l  Wlien  a  man  is  fust  engaged  he's  down 
on  his  knees  a-beggin'  an7  emplorin'  de  gal  to 
marry  him.  After  a  while  he  ain't  so  anxious 
'bout  hit,  nor  in  so  much  of  a  hurry,  an'  by  de 
time  two  or  three  yeahs  go  by,  he  begins  to 
think  'bout  de  weddin'-day  lak  he  does  'bout 
de  time  when  a  mortgage  is  gwine  to  be  fore 
closed. 

" '  No,  daughter,'  I  goes  on,  <  don't  you 
never  tangle  yo'self  up  in  de  rope  of  a  long 
engagement,  for  hit  cuts  off  hope  of  odder  men 
dat  want  to  marry  you,  an'  don't  give  you  no 
lien  on  de  man  whut  is  at  de  odder  end  of  de 
string.  Hit's  all  on  one  side — dat's  whut  hit 
is! 

"  '  Besides  a  gal  what  is  bound  up  in  one  of 
dese  heah  day-of-judgment  engagements  ain't 
neither  married  nor  single.  She's  got  all  de 
trouble  of  a  husban'  widout  de  benefit  of  his 
money,  or  de  right  to  go  through  his  clothes 
for  small  change,  or  de  privilege  of  sassin' 
him  widout  bein'  afraid  dat  he'll  take  his  hat 
an'  leave,  an'  won't  come  back  no  mo'. 

" '  She's  got  on  a  man's  collar,  an'  is 
[  138  ] 


"  WIDOUT  DE  RIGHT  TO  GO  THROUGH  HIS  CLOTHES 
FOR  SMALL  CHANGE" 


LONG   ENGAGEMENTS 

tagged  "  tooken  "  so  dat  de  odder  men  leaves 
her  on  de  shelf,  yit  she  ain't  got  nobody  to 
suppo't  her.  She  ain't  got  neider  husban'  nor 
alimony.  Ev'ybody  expects  her  to  be  faithful 
to  de  vows  she  done  plighted  to  a  man  whut, 
mo'  dan  likely,  ain't  never  comin'  back,  for  I 
done  been  to  mo'  dan  one  weddin'  whar  de 
measly  bridegroom  didn't  show  up. 

" '  Darfore,  my  chile/  says  I,  '  ef  de  man 
p'iiits  to  a  weddin'-day  dat  is  so  far  off  dat 
you  has  to  look  at  hit  through  de  telescope, 
you  tell  him  to  call  'round  again  when  he's 
able  to  talk  business.  Dat'll  hustle  him  up 
an'  keep  de  do'  of  hope  open  for  some  odder 
man  whut  maybe  is  got  de  price  of  a  weddin' 
ring  in  his  pocket.' 

"  '  But,'  says  Gladys  Maude  Geraldine,  '  ef 
folks  ain't  engaged  a  long  time  how  is  dey 
gwine  to  find  out  'bout  each  odder's  curis  pe 
culiarities?  ' 

" '  Don't  you  worry  'bout  dat,'  'spons  I, 
'  you'se  got  plenty  of  time  to  do  dat  after  you 
is  married. 

" '  Besides  hit  is  dangerous !  Ef  ev'y 
woman  found  out  befo'  she  was  married  to  a 
man  how  cranky,  an'  onreasonable,  an'  can- 
[  139  ] 


M    I    E    A    N    D    Y        EXHOETS 

tankerous  lie  was,  an'  ef  ev'y  man  got  a  ink 
ling  on  de  safe  side  of  de  altar,  of  how  many 
different  ways  a  woman  could  be  aggref  rettin', 
dere  wouldn't  be  no  mo'  weddings.  Nobody 
wouldn't  be  crazy  enough  to  go  up  against 
such  a  proposition. 

"  '  You  listen  to  me,  daughter.  Don't  you 
never  let  no  man  get  well  enough  acquainted 
wid  you  befo'  you  is  married  to  him  to  find 
out  dat  yo'  temper  is  hung  on  a  hair  trigger, 
an'  dat  yo'  maw  does  de  cookin',  an'  dat  yo' 
hair  is  des  yours  by  right  of  purchase. 

" '  An'  don't  you  go  probin'  into  whedder  a 
man  is  de  gran'  an'  noble  bein'  dat  he  lets  on 
he  is,  or  find  out  whedder  he  knows  hit  all,  lak 
he  sets  up  to  do.  I  knowed  a  gal  once  dat  got 
to  investigatin'  her  sweetheart's  character,  an' 
hit  broke  off  de  match.' 

" '  But  you  got  to  find  out  'bout  a  man's 
faults  after  you  marries  him,  an'  he's  sho  to 
discover  yo's,'  'spons  Gladys  Geraldine,  '  so 
hit  looks  lak  to  me  dat  hit  would  be  better  to 
do  hit  while  you's  engaged  instid  of  after  de 
knot  is  tied.' 

"  '  Of  course,  of  course,'  says  I,  *  but  after 
you're  married  you'se  got  each  odder  for  bet- 
t  140  ] 


LONG       ENGAGEMENTS 

ter  or  worse,  an'  we'se  all  so  self-saterfied  dat 
de  very  fact  dat  a  thing  is  ours  makes  hit 
seem  better. 

"  '  Mo'over,  hit  is  a  kind  of  cheerful  amuse 
ment  to  pick  faults  in  de  one  you  is  married 
to,  an'  reflect  on  how  much  better  you  is  dan 
dey  is.  Don't  you  worry  'bout  dat,  honey; 
when  you  gits  married,  an'  de  partner  of  yo' 
bosom  begins  to  knock  you  for  de  way  you 
cooks,  or  for  spendin'  de  rent  money  on  a  pill 
box  hat,  you'll  find  hit  mighty  comfortable  to 
be  able  to  reach  up  in  de  fambly  skeleton 
closet,  an'  pull  out  a  bunch  of  his  shortcom 
ings  dat  will  make  you  look  lak  a  long-suf- 
ferin'  saint.  Nobody  but  a  ole  maid  wants  to 
marry  a  perfect  man.' 

" '  How  long  do  you  think  dat  an  engage 
ment  orter  last? '  axes  Gladys  Maude  Geral- 
dine. 

"  '  Long  enough  for  a  man  an'  woman  to  git 
acquainted,  an'  find  out  whether  dey  both  eats 
onions,  an'  laks  de  same  kin'  of  pie,  but  not 
long  enough  to  git  familious  wid  each  odder's 
faults.  You  want  to  pull  off  an  engagement 
befo'  de  down  is  off  de  peach,  an'  de  platin'  is 
wore  off  de  gold  brick.' 

[  141  ] 


MIKANDY        EXHOETS 

" '  I'd  wait  for  Si  a  thousand  yeahs,'  says 
Gladys  Maude  Geraldine. 

"  '  Mebbe  you'll  have  to,'  says  I,  <  for  men 
is  got  a  mighty  habit  of  forgettin'  to  keep 
a  long  engagement,  especially  after  hit  is 
kinder  wo'  a  woman  down  to  skin  an'  bones, 
an'  a  raspy  disposition — an'  dat's  whut 
ginerally  happens  to  dese  heah  almost-wid- 
ows.' " 


[142  ] 


THE  AMENITIES  OF 
MATRIMONY 

"  Is  you  beared,"  asked  Mirandy,  "  dat  Sis 
Araminty  an7  Br'er  Hennery,  whut  is  been 
united  in  de  holy  bonds  of  matermony  for 
tbutty  yeabs,  is  gwine  to  git  a  divorscb? 

"  Yassum,  dat's  so.  Dem  two  ole  wuk- 
borses  dat's  been  a-joggin'  along  side  by  side 
for  all  dat  long  time  widout  mo'  dan  a  sbove 
now  an'  den  at  eacb  odder,  wben  one 
s'picioned  dat  de  odder  wasn't  pullin'  a  fair 
sliare  of  de  load,  is  done  kick  over  de  traces 
at  last,  an'  dey  done  been  to  a  lawyer  whut's 
gwine  to  git  7em  one  of  dese  heab  new  kind 
of  divorscbes  wid  alldermoney. 

"  Yassum,  an'  Sis  Araminty's  gwine  to  git 
[  143  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

$1.50  a  week  out  of  Br'er  Hennery,  an'  Br'er 
Hennery  is  gwine  to  have  to  cook  for  hisself, 
an'  paten  his  own  breeches — an'  dem  two 
whut  is  well  off  an'  comfortable  togedder  is 
gwine  to  be  po'  an'  low  sperrited  an'  miserable 
apart. 

"  Just  as  soon  as  I  heared  'bout  hit  I  put 
on  my  bonnet  an'  I  went  over  to  see  'em,  for 
whilst  I  don't  look  none  lak  de  Dove  of  Peace, 
I  sholy  has  poured  ile  on  de  troubled  waters 
many  a  time  befo'  now. 

"Wellum,  when  I  got  to  deir  house,  I 
found  Sis  Araminty  a-packin'  up  her  Eisin' 
Sun  an'  Log  Cabin  quilts,  an'  a-singin'  at  de  top 
of  her  voice  lak  a  woman  does  when  she's  mad 
clean  through  to  de  back-bone,  whilst  Br'er 
Hennery  was  a-settin'  outside  de  do',  a-whit- 
tlin',  an'  tryin'  to  look  lak  he  was  a  rooster 
just  a-waitin'  for  de  clock  to  strike  so  he  could 
hop  on  de  fence  an'  crow. 

"  *  Whut's  dis  heah  scandalous  tale  I  heared 
'bout  you  an'  Sis  Araminty  bustin'  through  de 
bonds  of  wedlock  dat  you  done  took  for  better 
or  for  wuss?  '  I  axes  him. 

" '  Dere's  too  much  wuss  in  hit,  an'  not 
enough  better  to  suit  my  taste,'  'spoils  Sis 
[  144  ] 


AMENITIES    OF    MATRIMONY 

Araminty,  who  done  come  out  to  take  a  hand 
in  de  conversation. 

"  *  I  knows  when  I's  got  enough  of  a  thing/ 
puts  in  Br'er  Hennery,  'an'  I  sholy  has  got 
my  fill  of  matermony.  I  may  be  a  goat,  but  I 
ain't  no  pig.' 

" '  Is  Br'er  Hennery  been  a-segasuatin' 
'roun'  wid  any  of  dem  spry-lookin'  gals  in  de 
congregation?  '  I  axes  Sis  Araminty. 

" '  Huh/  she  'spons,  <  I'd  des  lak  to  see  him 
cast  his  eye  on  any  woman  except  me ! ' 

"  '  I  specs  den  dat  Br'er  Hennery  has  been 
a-holdin'  out  on  his  pay,  which  ain't  no  way 
for  a  husban'  to  do,'  I  says. 

"  *  He  ain't  had  de  chanct,'  'sclaims  Sis 
Araminty,  '  for  no  man  ain't  got  de  gumption 
to  handle  real  money,  or  ought  to  be  trusted 
wid  de  spendin'  of  hit — so  I  done  took  temp 
tation  away  from  Hennery  by  takin'  charge  of 
his  pocketbook,  an'  a-dolin'  out  to  him  whut 
chicken-feed  dat  I  thinks  he's  entitled  to 
spend.' 

" '  Humph,'  'spons  I,  *  hit  looks  lak  to  me 
dat  ef  whut  you  says  is  true,  Br'er  Hennery 
is  a  sort  of  a  pin-feathered  angel  dat  you  bet 
ter  freeze  on  to,  instid  of  tryin'  to  lose.' 
[  145  ] 


MIRANDY        EXHOETS 

"  Den  I  turns  to  Br'er  Hennery  an'  I  says, 
*  Maybe  Sis  Araminty  is  been  a-flirtin'  'roun' 
wid  some  probus-lookin'  gemman,  for  I  done 
took  notice  dat  when  a  woman  gits  to  de  age 
whar  she  ought  to  take  a  back  seat  she  begins 
to  look  sorter  wishful  towards  de  primrose 
path/ 

"  <  No,  Sis  Mirandy,'  '  spons  Br'er  Hennery, 
6 1  ain't  a-castiii'  no  asparagus  on  Araminty's 
character.  Dere  ain't  no  need  to,  for  when  a 
woman  is  as  skinny  an'  stringy  as  she  is,  she 
don't  need  no  odder  certificate  of  virtue.  Dat 
ain't  de  reason  I's  a-gwine  to  git  a  divorsch 
from  Araminty.  We'se  done  convoluted 
an'  ascertained  dat  we  ain't  soul-mates  no 
mo'." 

"  '  Shoo,'  says  I,  '  ef  dat's  all,  why  don't  you 
dest  have  a  good  scrap  an'  made  hit  up,  an' 
rock  along  lak  you  used  to?  Believe  me,  hit's 
a  lot  easier  to  stand  de  temper  dat  you  knows 
all  de  kinks  of  dan  hit  is  to  tie  up  wid  a  new 
one  dat  you  is  got  to  find  out  de  sharp  edges 
of  by  pussonal  'sperience.' 

"  But  dey  wouldn't  listen  to  me,  an'  dey's 
gwine  to  git  a  divorsch,  an'  make  a  scandal 
in  de  chu'ch,  an'  ev'ybody  is  a-wukin'  deir 
[  146  ] 


AMENITIES    OF    MATBIMONY 

tongues  overtime  a-makin'  up  tales  about  'em, 
an'  a-wonderin'  why  dey  parted.  But  I  knows 
whut  is  de  matter  wid  'em.  Sis  Araminty  has 
been  a-drivin'  Br'er  Hennery  wid  too  tight  a 
rein,  an'  Br'er  Hennery  done  balk.  Furdermo' 
Sis  Araminty  ain't  been  saterfied  to  do  de 
drivin'.  She  got  to  show  off  dat  she's  got  de 
whip  hand,  an'  when  a  woman  does  dat,  soon 
or  late,  behind  her  back,  or  befo'  her  face,  de 
man  slips  de  bridle  an'  bolts ! 

"  'Co'se  I  thinks  dat  a  wife  orter  manage  a 
husban',  becaze  men  is  po',  weak,  helpless 
creeters  dat  ain't  got  enough  probusness  to 
look  out  for  deirselves.  Dat's  de  reason  dat 
de  good  Gawd  made  mo'  women  dan  He  did 
men — so  dat  none  of  'em  would  have  a  excuse 
for  not  gittin'  married  as  often  as  de  occasion 
is  required.  Yassum,  a  woman  ought  to  man 
age  her  husband,  but  she  orter  do  hit  on  de  sly 
when  nobody  ain't  lookin'.  She  ain't  got  no 
call  to  hang  de  breeches  out  of  her  front  win 
dow,  so  dat  all  de  neighbors  can  see  dat  she 
wears  'em. 

"  Now  Sis  Araminty's  de  kind  of  a  woman 
dat  always  sails  down  de  aisle  at  church  wid 
Br'er  Hennery  a-trottin'  along  after  her,  an' 
[  147  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

she  says  to  him,  <  set  heah,  Henery,'  an7  he 
sets,  an'  when  dey  passes  'roun'  de  contribu 
tion-plate  she  draps  in  de  money,  so  ev'ybody 
can  notice  dat  she  totes  de  purse. 

"  Mo'over  she's  always  layin'  down  de  law 
to  Br'er  Hennery  befo'  folks,  an'  a-lettin' 
ev'ybody  know  dat  she's  de  boss  in  deir  house, 
an'  de  fust  finger  in  deir  fambly.  Co'se  dis 
makes  ev'ybody  snigger  when  dey  looks  at 
Br'er  Hennery,  an'  all  de  men  makes  fun  of 
him  'bout  bein'  henpecked,  ontel  he  gits  his 
dander  up  an?  goes  home,  an'  busts  up  de 
furniture,  an'  gives  Sis  Araminty  a  black  eye 
jest  to  prove  dat  he  ain't  a  mouse  an'  dat's 
huccome  dey's  headed  towards  de  divorsch 
court ! 

"  Thank  Gawd,  I's  got  mo'  sense  dan  to  go 
'roun'  showin'  off  how  I  is  got  de  upper  hand 
of  my  husband,  for  no  matter  whut  I  does  an' 
says  to  Ike  in  private,  in  public  I  sholy  is  a 
meek  an'  dutiful  wife.  I  always  axes  his  ad 
vice  befo'  folks,  an'  dat  pleases  him  so  dat  he 
don't  notice  dat  I  goes  along  an'  does  my  own 
way. 

"  Nawm,  I  ain't  got  no  sympathy  wid  Sis 
Araminty.  A  woman  dat  goes  'bout  braggin' 
[  148  ] 


AMENITIES    OF    MATEIMONY 

dat  she's  got  her  husban'  on  de  leash  am 
mighty  apt  to  find  out  dat  he  has  slipped  de 
collar  an7  gone  off  wid  some  odder  woman 
dat's  handy  wid  de  salve,  an'  dat  tells  him 
dat  she's  skeered  of  him  becaze  he's  so  big,  an' 
strong,  an'  masterful. 

"  Yassum,  when  I  hears  a  woman  boastin' 
dat  she  handles  de  money  an'  buys  her  hus- 
ban's  clothes,  an'  dat  he  doesn't  dast  enter  his 
own  do'  widout  wipin'  his  feet  on  de  mat,  I 
begins  to  listin  for  de  noise  dat  sounds  lak  de 
breakin'  up  of  a  home.  Furdermo'  I's  down  on 
dese  henpecker  ladies  becaze  dey  is  bad  for  de 
matermonial  market.  Ev'ytime  a  man  sees 
anodder  man  pushing  de  perambulator,  an' 
followin'  along  behind  his  wife  whilst  she  tee 
ters  along  on  spool-heeled  shoes,  dressed  up  lak 
Solomon  in  all  his  glory,  he  des  natcherally 
flies  de  matermonial  coop,  an'  some  gal  loses  a 
meal-ticket  right  den  an'  dere. 

"  Yassum,  ef  so  many  women  didn't  make  a 
public  exhibition  of  how  dey  managed  deir 
husban's  dere  would  be  mo'  women  have  hus- 
ban's  to  manage.  Henpeckin'  is  one  of  dem 
things  whut  a  woman  orter  do  in  de  privacy 
of  her  own  home,  wid  de  blinds  pulled  down. 
[  149  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

an'  de  doors  shut,  an'  de  keyhole  stopped  up. 
You  listen  to  me!  Dat's  de  true  word,  Ts 
givin7  you ! " 


[  150  ] 


THANKSGIVING 

"WELL,  Sis  Mirandy,  ma'am,"  says  Sis 
Malaria  to  me  do  odder  night,  "  an'  so 
Thanksgivin'  is  mos'  on  us  agin." 

"  De  cat's  foot !  You  don't  say  so!  "  sclaims 
I,  for  I  suttenly  was  took  on  de  onsurprise, 
"  don't  hit  beat  all  how  close  togedder  Christ- 
muses  an'  Tlianksgivinses  come  dese  times? 
Looks  to  me  lak  dey  must  have  'em  'bout  fo' 
times  a  yeah." 

"  Dat's  de  true  word  you  is  givin'  us," 
'spons  Sis  Malaria,  "  I  guess  hit's  dis  heah 
new-fangled  improvement  whut  dey  calls 
speedin'  things  up  dat  makes  'em  keep  ev'y- 
thing  on  de  jump  an'  de  run.  Why,  when  I 
was  young  de  Christmuses  an'  de  Thanks- 
givinses  were  so  far  apart  dat  hit  looked  lak 
[  151  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

dey  never  would  come,  but  now  dey  des  laps 
over  one  anodder  lak  de  shingles  on  de  roof." 

"  Dat's  so,"  I  agrees  wid  her,  "  I  ain't  no 
mo'  dan  sorter  rest  up  my  mind  from  tryin'  to 
think  whut  sort  of  a  Christmus  gift  I'll  give 
to  who,  befo'  I  got  to  start  to  hantin'  de  sto's 
tryin'  to  find  somethin'  dat's  marked  down  to 
thirty-nine  cents  an'  dat'll  look  lak  three  dol 
lars  an'  ninety  cents,  dat'll  do  for  a  Christmus 
gift  agin,  an'  seems  lak  I  ain't  got  my  dishes 
wiped  from  one  Thanksgivin'  dinner  till  I  got 
to  start  in  an'  cook  anodder." 

"  Well,"  'spons  Sis  Malaria,  "  I  reckon  dat 
we  ain't  none  of  us  gwine  to  be  wore  to  a  fraz 
zle  dis  yeah  cookin'  our  Thanksgivin'  dinners, 
for  wid  de  price  of  vittels  a  soarin'  up  lak  one 
of  dem  dere  airyplanes,  de  mos'  dat  we  all  will 
see  of  a  tukkey,  or  chicken  fixins,  will  be  deir 
tail  feathers  as  dey  flies  by  on  de  wing  to  one 
of  dem  millionaires  whut  you  reads  'bout  in  de 
papers." 

"  Hit's  a  lot  easier  to  be  thankful  on  a  full 
stomach  dan  an  empty  one,"  'spons  I,  "  an'  ef 
dere  is  any  music  sweeter  dan  any  odder,  hit 
is  when  a  table  groans  under  de  good  things 
to  eat  on  hit,  but  I  specs  dis  yeah  our  Thanks- 
[  152  ] 


THANKSGIVING 

givin'  is  gwine  to  be  sorter  of  a  left-handed 
one,  an'  we's  gwine  to  be  grateful  for  de  things 
we  ain't  got,  an'  dat  we  ain't  no  wuss  off  dan 
whut  we  is." 

"  Amen,"  says  Sis  Malaria,  "  an'  hit  sut- 
tenly  is  a  gran'  thing  dat  de  President  'p'ints 
a  day  for  us  to  return  thanks  for  our  bless 
ings,  for  ef  he  didn't  dere's  a  lot  of  us  dat 
wouldn't  think  dat  we  needed  to  take  a  whole 
day  off  to  do  hit  in.  We'd  think  dat  we  could 
polish  off  de  job  befo'  breakfast,  an'  not  have 
to  rush  none,  neither." 

"  Wellum,"  I  'spons,  "  I  believes  in  cele- 
bratin'  Thanksgivin'  day,  an'  givin'  thanks  to 
Gord  for  all  His  mercy,  but  de  Lawd  is  a  long 
ways  off,  an'  lakly  He  ain't  bodderin'  His 
head  much  'bout  whut  we  po'  worms  of  de 
dust  do  an'  say.  But  de  folks  dat  is  close  to 
us,  dey's  different.  We  makes  deir  happiness 
or  deir  misery,  an'  so  I'd  like  to  see  Thanks 
givin'  brought  down  from  Heaven  to  earth, 
an'  made  mo'  pussonal,  so  to  speak. 

"  On  Christmas  day  we  all  goes  'bout  wid 

a  glad,  sweet  smile  wishin'  each  odder  a  Merry 

Christmas.    An'  on  New  Year's  day  we  tells 

even  our  enemies  dat  we  hopes  dey'll  have  a 

[  153  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

Happy  an'  a  Prosperous  Yeah  bef  o'  ?em.  Why 
shouldn't  we  celebrate  Thanksgivin'  day  by 
goin'  to  ev'ybody  dat's  done  us  a  good  turn, 
or  has  made  us  happy,  an'  speak  right  out  to 
dere  faces  an'  tell  7em  how  grateful  we  is  to 
7em  for  deir  goodness  to  us  instid  of  keepin' 
our  'pinions  bottled  up  in  us  lak  we  was  clams, 
an'  a-waitin'  to  cyarve  'em  on  deir  tombstones? 

"Wouldn't  hit  des  make  de  worl'  sing  for 
joy,  an'  Thanksgivin'  de  grandest  day  of  de 
whole  yeah,  for  I  specs  most  folks  is  lak  I  is 
— dey  ain't  got  much  interest  in  whut  folks 
say  'bout  'em  at  deir  funerals,  but  dey  sut- 
tenly  would  relish  a  few  compliments  while 
dey  is  still  alive.  Yassum,  maybe  a  ghost  does 
find  some  pleasure  in  roostin'  011  hits  nice 
monument,  an'  readin'  de  kind  words  hits 
f ambly  done  put  on  de  stone  'bout  hit,  but  as 
for  me,  give  me  my  appreciation  whilst  I  got 
some  fiesh  an'  blood  to  feel  warm  an'  good 
wid. 

"  Now  dere's  Sis  Luellen  whut  has  to  have 
gathers  put  in  de  back  of  her  waistes  to  make 
room  for  her  angel  wings,  dey  done  sprouted 
so.  Sis  Luellen  suttenly  is  de  pack  hoss  for 
de  whole  chu'ch.  Ef  a  woman  wants  to  go  to 
[  154  ] 


THANKSGIVING 

a  marked-down  bargain  fight,  or  to  de  movies 
•she  goes  an'  dumps  her  chillun  down  on  Sis 
Luellen.  Ef  anybody  wants  to  berry  anythin' 
dat  dey  don't  never  expect  to  pay  back,  dey 
borrys  hit  offen  Sis  Luellen.  Ef  anybody's 
taken  sick  dey  runs  for  Sis  Luellen.  Hit's  in 
Sis  Luellen's  arms  dat  de  new-born  baby  is 
fust  laid,  an'  hit's  Sis  Luellen's  hand  dat 
closes  de  eyes  of  de  daid. 

"  Don't  you  reckon  dat  Sis  Luellen  would 
feel  mighty  lak  she  was  paid,  ef,  on  Thanks- 
givin'  day,  ev'y  man,  woman,  an'  chile  dat 
she's  done  done  somethin'  for  enduriii'  de  yeah 
would  come  to  her  an'  tell  her  how  dey 
thanked  her  for  hit,  an'  how  she  done  help 
'em  over  some  hard  place  in  life? 

"  An'  dere's  Sis  Martha.  You  remember 
when  Sis  Martha's  husban'  died  leavin'  her 
wid  six  small  chillun  an'  twinses,  an'  how 
ev'ybody  say  dat  she'd  better  send  'em  to  de 
orphan  asylum  becaze  she'd  never  in  de  woiT 
be  able  to  feed  all  of  dem  hungry  little  mouths, 
an'  keep  clothes  on  dem  rip-tearin'  little 
bodies? 

"  Sis  Martha  didn't  do  hit.  She  kept  her 
chillun  wid  her,  an'  she  wuked  lak  no  slave 
[  155  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOBTS 

ever  toiled,  an'  somehow  she  raised  dem  chil- 
luns,  an'  eddicated  'em,  an'  dey's  all  turned 
out  to  be  fine  men  an'  women  whut's  respect 
able,  an'  prosperous,  an'  got  money  in  de  bank. 

"  I  des  wonder  how  Sis  Marthy  would  feel 
on  Thanksgivin'  day  ef  dem  chillun  of  hers 
would  come  to  her  an'  take  her  wuk-knotted 
ole  hands  in  deirs,  an'  tell  her  how  grateful 
dey  is  to  her  for  all  she  done  done  for  'em,  an' 
how  dey  appreciates  all  de  sacerfices  she  done 
made  for  'em,  an'  how  dey  thinks  dat  when 
dey  hands  out  crosses  for  real  heroes  an'  dem 
whut  has  stood  up  an'  fought  de  good  fight, 
dat  she  ought  to  git  a  row  of  badges  datll 
kiver  her  from  head  to  foot;  for  hit  takes  mo' 
courage  to  stand  for  fifteen  yeahs  over  a 
washtub  dan  hit  does  to  stand  for  five  minutes 
befo'  a  gun. 

"  An'  dere's  Sis  Hannah  Jane  whut  married 
Br'er  Ben,  whut  ain't  got  no  mo'  backbone  of 
his  own  dan  a  fishin'  worm,  but  Sis  Hannah 
Jane  done  spliced  her  spinal  column  on  to  him 
ontel  she  done  made  a  man  out  of  him.  When 
Sis  Hannah  Jane  done  married  Br'er  Ben  he 
was  a  drunkard,  an'  a  loafer  an'  didn't  have  a 
second  shirt  to  his  back,  an'  ef  he'd  been  left 
r  156  ] 


THANKSGIVING 

to  hisself  he'd  still  be  settin'  in  de  gutter  in- 
stid  of  roostin'  on  de  highest  rung  in  de  ladder 
in  de  lodge,  an'  rattlin'  when  he  walks  wid  de 
money  in  his  pockets. 

"  But  Sis  Hannah  Jane  she  drag  him  home 
from  de  saloon  at  night,  an'  cook  him  up  good 
hot  things  to  eat,  an7  git  him  jobs,  an'  hold 
him  to  'em,  an'  she  inched,  an'  pinched,  an' 
scrinched  ontel  she  save  up  de  money,  penny 
by  penny,  for  him  to  git  a  start,  an'  she's  al 
ways  done  nine-tenths  of  de  wuk  an'  give 
Br'er  Ben  all  of  de  credit  for  hit. 

"  Maybe  you  can't  make  up  to  a  woman  for 
all  she  goes  through  wid  dat  kind  of  a  husban', 
but  I  bet  she'd  wipe  off  de  slate  an'  call  hit 
even  ef  Br'er  Ben  would  up  an'  promulgate 
to  her  on  Thanksgivin'  day  dat  he  owes  ev'y- 
thing  dat  he  is,  an'  has,  to  her,  an'  dat  when 
he  thinks  of  all  de  love,  an'  de  patience,  an' 
de  forgiveness  dat  she  done  showed  him,  dat 
he  feels  lak  gittin'  down  in  de  dust  an'  kissin' 
de  tracks  of  her  big,  flat,  ole  foot. 

"Yassum,  Sis  Malaria,"  I  goes  on,  "dat's 

de  way  dat  I  thinks  dat  we  ought  to  celebrate 

Thanksgivin'  day  instid  of  stuffin'  ourselves  on 

tukkey  an'  cranberries,  an'  pies,  an'  things,  so 

[  157  ] 


M    I    R    A    N    D    Y        E   X   H    O   B   T   S 

dat  we  is  too  full  for  utterance  An'  furdermo' 
I's  gwine  to  take  my  own  medicine,  an7  when 
Thanksgivin'  day  rolls  aroun'  I  is  gwine  to 
my  ole  man  Ike  an'  say  to  him : 

" '  Maybe  you  thinks  dat  I's  as  blind  as  a 
bat,  an'  as  selfish  as  a  cat,  an7  dat  I  don't 
see  dat  you's  been  toilin'  an'  moilin'  all  dese 
yeahs  to  keep  me  soft  an'  comfortable,  an'  dat 
J  don't  notice  dat  when  you  comes  home  of 
a  Saturday  night  you  turns  over  yo'  wage  to 
me,  an'  dat  all  you  gits  out  of  yo'  hard  wuk 
is  des  yo'  board  an'  clothes — an'  dein  de  wust 
in  de  f ambly. 

"  *  An'  maybe  you  thinks  dat  I  thinks  all  of 
dis  is  des  my  due  an'  whut's  comin'  to  me,  an' 
I  don't  appreciate  de  sacerfices  you  makes  for 
me,  nor  remember  de  times  when  you  is  called 
my  temper  nerves,  an'  ain't  handed  me  no  back 
talk  when  I  done  blew  in  de  rent  money  on  a 
new  blue  sergin'  dress  wid  almos'  hand  em 
broidery  on  hit.  But  I  is  took  notice  dat  you 
is  de  grandest  man  an'  de  best  husban'  dat  any 
wife  was  ever  lucky  enough  to  draw  in  de 
maternionial  lottery,  an'  I  des  wants  to  thank 
you  for  makin'  me  a  proud  an'  happy  woman, 
an'  to  tell  you  dat  I  loves  you  'bout  a  million 
[  158  ] 


THANKSGIVING 

times  mo'  dan  I  did  when  I  snatched  you  away 
from  dat  triflin'  Sally  Sue  Smithkins  dat 
you  wouldn't  have  had  no  mo'  sense  dan  to 
have  married  if  I  hadn't  saved  you/  Dat's 
whut  I'm  gwine  to  say  to  Ike  on  Thanksgivin' 
day." 

"  I  wonder,"  says  Sis  Malaria,  sorter 
thoughtful  lak,  "  ef  Br'er  Ike  carries  a  pretty 
good  insurance,  becaze  I  lay  he  will  drop  dead 
wid  surprise  ef  you  does  tell  him  dat  you's 
grateful  an'  appreciates  all  he  does  for  you. 
Husbands  ain't  used  to  hit." 


[  159  ] 


WOMEN 

"  Sis  MIRANDY,  ma'am,"  says  Br'er  Eben  to 
me  de  odder  day,  "  I  reckon  dat  women  is  de 
most  undiskivered  nation  of  people  whut  dere 
is,  an'  de  one  of  whose  habits  an'  customs  dat 
mankind  knows  de  littlest. 

"  Men,  now,  dey  is  knowledgeous.  Men  is 
all  cut  off  de  same  bolt,  an'  you  can  prognosti 
cate  whut  a  man  is  gwine  to  do,  an'  say,  an7 
think  befo'  he  does  hit,  but  who  can  guess  a 
woman? 

"  Whut  makes  me  say  dis  is  my  ole  woman, 
Mandy,  whut  I  is  been  united  to  in  de  holy 
bonds  for  thuty  yeahs,  an'  yit  I  ain't  no  mo' 
acquainted  wid  dat  woman  dan  ef  I  ain't  never 
set  my  eyeballs  on  her.  Nuthe$  can  I  cogitate 
[  160  ] 


WOMEN 

which  way  de  cat  is  gwine  to  jump  wid  her,  or 
whedder  she'll  hand  me  a  kiss  or  lam  me  for 
whut  I  does. 

"  Now  you  take  dis  heah  thing  of  birthdays, 
which,  believe  me,  Sis  Mirandy,  is  whut 
wrecks  mo'  matermonial  happiness  dan  de 
Demon  Bum,  an'  is  whut  turns  husban's  gray- 
haided  an'  stoop-shouldered  befo'  deir  time, 
becaze  whilst  a  wife  will  forgive  her  husban' 
for  segasuatin'  off  of  de  straight  an'  narrow 
path  now  an'  den,  an'  for  makin'  her  take  in 
washin'  to  suppo't  him,  de  one  thing  dat  no 
woman  won't  never  forgive  her  husban'  for  is 
forgittin'  her  birthday.  Hit's  tryin'  to  remem 
ber  deir  wives'  birthdays,  an'  not  gittin'  de 
date  mixed  up  wid  Labor  Day,  nor  Good  Fri 
day,  nor  any  of  de  days  of  fastin',  an'  prayer, 
an'  repentance,  dat  wears  men  to  skin  an' 
bone. 

"  Goodness  knows,  long  as  women  spends 
so  much  time  an'  work  tryin'  to  keep  young, 
you  would  think  dey  couldn't  be  hired  to  mon 
key  none  wid  birthdays,  an'  dat  after  a  woman 
done  passed  thuty  dat  she'd  lose  de  count  an' 
hope  odder  folks  would,  an'  dat  she  would 
consider  dat  for  nobody  to  mention  her  birth- 
[  161  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

day  to  her  was  equal  to  handin'  her  out  a 
handsome  present.  But  dey  don't,  an'  dat's 
whar  one  of  de  curis  peculiarities  of  women 
come  in. 

"  Well,  my  wife,  she's  des  lak  de  balance  of 
'em,  an'  for  'bout  three  months  she's  been  re- 
mindin'  me  dat  her  birthday  was  gwine  to  roll 
aroun',  lak  hit's  got  de  habit  of  doin'  dis  time 
of  yeah,  an'  she  draps  a  few  hints  dat  ef  so  be 
dat  I  was  a  thinkin'  'bout  makin'  her  a  birth 
day  present,  dough  she  misdoubts  I'll  forgit 
hit,  dat  one  of  dese  heah  new-fangled  bead 
bags  would  des  'bout  fill  de  bill  an'  make  her 
glad  dat  she  was  bawn. 

"  Wellum,  I  tied  a  couple  of  knots  in  my 
handkerchief  so  I'd  remember,  but  when  I 
went  to  de  sto'  to  buy  hit,  dey  axed  me  twenty- 
five  bucks  for  one  of  dem  dinky  little  things 
dat  warn't  big  enough  to  put  mo'  dan  a  little 
chicken-feed  in — not  dat  dat  makes  no  differ 
ence,  becaze  after  a  woman  has  done  bought 
her  pocketbook,  hit  done  cost  so  much  she  ain't 
never  got  no  money  to  put  in  hit,  nohow. 

"Wellum,  I  sho  was  flabbergasted,  lak  I 
tells  you,  at  de  price  of  dat  bead  bag,  but  I 
knows  Mandy  is  done  set  her  heart  on  hit,  an' 
[  162  ] 


WOMEN 

I  gits  to  thinkin'  'bout  whut  a  good  wife  she's 
done  been  to  me  all  dese  long  yeahs,  an'  how 
hard  she's  wuked,  an'  how  she's  scrimped  an' 
saved,  an'  how  she's  been  des  as  faithful  to 
me  as  a  yaller  dog  under  a  wagon,  an'  so  I 
says  to  myself  dat  ef  she  wants  dat  bead  bag, 
she's  gwine  to  have  hit,  even  ef  I  busses  my 
gallusses  to  git  hit  for  her. 

"  So  I  buys  de  bag  an'  persents  hit  to  her  on 
her  birthday,  an'  she's  tickled  most  to  death 
wid  hit,  an'  shows  hit  to  all  her  friends,  an' 
dey  makes  a  great  miration  over  hit,  an'  tells 
her  whut  a  lucky  woman  she  is  to  have  a 
husban'  whut  always  remembers  her  birthday, 
dough  Gord  knows  I  ain't  got  no  chanst  to 
forgit  hit  onless  I  was  took  stone  deaf. 

"  Anyways,  de  bead  bag  makes  a  hit,  an* 
I  settles  back  to  live  in  comfort  ontel  de 
next  birthday  rolls  aroun',  an'  all  would  'a' 
been  well,  'ceptin'  Mandy  begins  to  wonder 
how  much  dat  bead  bag  cost. 

"When  she  worms  hit  out  of  me  dat  hit 
cost  twenty-five  plunks,  she  throws  a  fit  an' 
wants  to  know  whut  de  fool-killer  was  doin' 
when  I  was  a-blowin'  in  dat  much  money  on 
bead  bags  wid  de  rent  comin'  due,  an'  de  chil- 
[  163  ] 


MIRANDY        EXHORTS 

lun  needin'  shoes,  an'  po'k  chops  a-soarin'  to 
de  sky  in  price.  Den  she  turns  on  de  water- 
wuks,  an'  for  three  days  ev'y  time  she  looks  at 
me  she  busses  into  tears. 

"  I  sho  was  one  sore  man  to  think  I  done 
waste  my  money  in  tryin'  to  please  my  wife, 
when  all  dat  I  done  was  to  convince  her  I 
didn't  have  no  sense,  an7  make  her  cry,  an'  I 
was  a-thinkin'  of  cheerin'  myself  up  by  goin' 
out  to  de  lodge,  when  she  flung  her  arms 
aroun'  my  neck  an'  splained  to  me  dat  whut 
she  was  sheddin'  all  dem  barrels  of  tears  over 
was  becaze  she  was  so  happy  becaze  I  loved 
her  enough  to  act  lak  a  fool  over  her. 

"  Now  can  you  beat  dat?  A  woman  cries 
when  she's  glad  an'  laughs  when  she's  sad,  an' 
she  admires  you  when  you  is  Mister  Solomon, 
but  she  loves  you  most  when  you  acts  lak  a 
plumb  id  jit,  an'  she  walks  all  over  you  ef  you 
makes  a  door-mat  of  yo'^elf  tryin'  to  make  life 
easy  for  her,  an'  she  kisses  yo'  feet  ef  you 
tromples  all  over  her  wid  spikes  in  yo'  shoes. 
An'  de  trouble  is  dat  you  never  can  tell  when 
she's  gwine  to  do  which. 

"  Dat's  de  reason  dere  ain't  mo'  good  hus- 
ban's.  A  man  never  knows  when  he's  bein' 
[  164] 


W  O  M    ,       E  K 

one,  an'  when  he's  givin'  saterfaction,  or 
gittin'  on  his  wife's  nerves,  an'  breakin'  her 
heart. 

"  I  done  took  notice  dat  dese  heah  husban's 
whut  acts  meek  an7  humble  aroun'  home,  an' 
dat  always  turns  in  deir  pay  envelope  widout 
openin'  hit,  an'  dat  walks  de  baby  wid  de  colic, 
an'  dat  says  l  our  pants,'  don't  never  seem  very 
popular  wid  deir  wives. 

"  Furdermo'  I  done  seed  women  stick  to  hus 
bands  dat  beat  'em,  an'  starved  'em,  an'  dat 
dragged  'em  down  to  de  gutter,  an'  so  when 
you  sees  dat  a  woman  seems  to  lak  a  bad  hus- 
ban'  better  dan  she  does  a  good  one,  hit  keeps 
a  man  prognosticatin'  whedder  de  best  way  to 
preserve  his  wife's  affection  is  to  hand  her  a 
sweet  kiss  or  a  black  eye. 

"  Maybe  de  reason  of  hit  is  becaze  a  woman 
ain't  never  so  happy  as  when  she  is  puffectly 
miserable,  an'  she  ain't  never  havin'  such  a 
good  time  as  she  is  when  she's  sobbin'  on  de 
shoulder  of  some  odder  woman.  Dat's  why, 
when  a  woman  goes  to  a  show,  she  picks  out 
one  of  dese  heah  three-handkerchief  plays. 
An'  hit's  why  she  enjoys  a  mean  husban'  dat 
gives  her  somethin'  to  cry  'bout  an'  complain 
[  165  ] 


M    I    E    A    N   D    Y        EXHOETS 

'bout,  whilst  a  good  husban'  don't  furnish  no 
subject  for  entertainin'  conversation. 

"  Yassum,  women  suttenly  is  de  curiousest 
animals  dere  is,  an'  dey's  one  dat  no  man 
knows  de  whyness  an'  de  wharforeness  of. 
Dat's  why  we's  always  a-chasin'  'em,  an' 
ketchin'  'em,  an'  takin'  'em  home  wid  us,  an* 
tryin'  to  guess  whut  dey  is  gwine  to  do  next. 

"  An'  we  always  guesses  wrong." 


[  166  ] 


ROMANCE 

'  night  my  daughter,  Ma'y  Jane,  was 
readin'  me  an'  her  pa  a  piece  in  de  paper  dat 
tole  'bout  dat  man  whut's  been  a  prognosti- 
catin'  into  de  reason  dat  matermony  is  mo7  of 
a  scrappin' -match  dan  hit  is  a  gran'  sweet 
song,  an'  de  man  says  dat  people  bein'  so 
chuck-full  of  romantical  idees  is  de  main  cause 
of  divorsch,  an'  dat  romance  bustes  up  mo' 
homes  dan  drink  or  bad  cookin'  does. 

"  Bless  de  Lawd  for  de  true  words,"  says 
my  ole  man  Ike  when  he  hears  dat,  "  dat's  so, 
for  ef  hit  warn't  for  dat  chills  an'  fever  ail 
ment,  dat  dey  calls  romance,  dat  we  breaks 
out  wid  when  we  is  young,  an'  dat  is  mo' 
catchin'  dan  de  measles,  dere  wouldn't  be  no 
[  167  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

mo'  divorsclt  becaze  dere  wouldn't  be  no  mo' 
weddings.  Yassum,  hit's  a  cinch  dat  ef  dey 
could  vaccinate  you  against  romance  when 
you  is  a  baby,  you  wouldn't  have  no  'casion 
to  call  in  de  lawyer  to  cure  yo'  matermonial 
afflictions  when  you  was  grown.7' 

"  Huh,"  I  sclaims,  "  dere  ain't  nothin'  de 
matter  wid  romance  'ceptin'  folkses  tries  to 
make  a  whole  meal  on  hit  instid  of  nibblin'  a 
mouthful  or  two  of  hit  for  dessert.  Dat's  de 
reason  dey  finds  hit  a  kinder  light  diet  dat 
makes  'em  feel  sorter  weak,  an'  peevish,  an' 
wid  a  kinder  gone  feelin'  at  de  pit  of  deir 
stomachs,  an'  wid  odder  symptoms  of  starva 
tion  a  segasuatin'  aroun'  deir  systems  dat 
makes  'em  s'picion  dat  dey  needs  some  odder 
lady,  or  genman  beside  de  one  dey  is  married 
to,  for  a  heart  tonic  to  brace  'em  up. 

"  Romance,"  I  goes  on,  "  is  de  meringue  on 
de  lemon  pie  of  life.  Hit  looks  mighty  good, 
an'  hit's  mighty  sweet  an'  tasty,  but  hit  ain't 
got  no  subjanst  to  hit.  Dere  ain't  nothin'  in 
hit  dat'll  stand  by  you  when  you's  got  to  roll 
up  yo'  sleeves  an'  go  to  wuk  to  head  off  de 
bill-collector. 

"  But  all  de  same,  all  of  us  is  got  a  sweet 
[  168  ] 


ROMANCE 

tooth,  an'  we's  just  as  muck  got  to  have  a 
little  pie  as  we's  got  to  have  po'k  an'  beans, 
an'  de  folks  dat's  got  sense,  mixes  'em.  Dey 
don't  gorge  deirselves  on  eider  one  or  de  od 
der,  an'  dey  gits  along  widout  gittin'  de  dys- 
pepsy  or  landin'  in  de  divorsch  co't." 

"  Oh,"  cried  out  Ma'y  Jane,  whut  is  one  of 
dese  heah  palpitatin'  young  females  dat's  al 
ways  a-yearnin'  after  de  highfalutin'  things 
instid  of  gittin'  busy  wid  dem  things  whut  is 
under  her  nose,  "  Oh,  whut  would  life  be  wid- 
out  romance ! " 

"  Well,"  'spons  her  pa,  "  ef  you  axes  me,  I 
think  hit  would  be  mighty  comfortable,  an' 
dat  a  lot  of  us  would  'a'  been  saved  from 
gittin'  ourselves  into  trouble,  an'  we'd  be 
spendin'  our  money  on  ourselves  in  congenial 
company  at  de  reg'lar  meetin'  of  de  Sons  of 
Joy  instid  of  havin'  our  good  money  go  for 
sportin'  skirts  an'  flower  bonnets,  an'  havin'  to 
stay  at  home  an'  listen  to  a  passel  of  women 
talk  'bout  romance  becaze  we  ain't  got  de  price 
to  do  nothin'  else." 

"  Ef  you  axes  me  whut  life  would  be  widout 
romance,  daughter,"  I  answers  sarcastic,  be 
caze  I  done  been  washin',  an'  cookin',  an' 
[  169  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

patching  an'  mendin'  for  Ike  all  dese  thuty 
yeahs  dat  I's  been  married  to  him,  an'  hit  sho 
does  raise  my  dander  for  him  to  hammer  de 
holy  estate  after  de  slave  wife  I's  been  to  dat 
man,  "  ef  you  axes  me  whut  life  would  be  wid- 
out  romance,  I  says  dat  hit  would  be  jes'  one 
divorsch  after  anodder,  becaze  dere  ain't 
nothin'  but  a  woman's  talent  for  wrappin'  a 
man  up  in  a  pink,  hand-embroidered  romance 
dat  she  done  weave  out  of  her  own  imagina 
tion,  dat  makes  hit  so  dat  she  can  stand  mat- 
ermony  at  all.  Believe  me,  dat  ef  women 
didn't  kiver  up  deir  husbands  in  romance  so 
dat  dey  couldn't  see  whut  po'  little  mis'able 
human  shrimps  dey  is,  nary  a  woman  would 
have  de  strength,  nor  de  grace,  to  stay  mar 
ried  at  all." 

"Maybe  so,"  'spons  Ike,  "but  dere'd  be  a 
lot  mo'  happiness  in  de  worl'  ef  dere  was  mo' 
truth,  an'  less  romance,  an'  ef  people  knowed 
whut  dey  was  gittin'  when  dey  tied  up  wid 
life  partners  instid  of  buyin'  a  pig  in  a  poke. 

"My  Ian' — hit  suttenly  does  give  me  cold 

feet  when  I  see  young  id  jits  lak  Ma'y  Jane  is 

heah,  an'  lak  you  an?  me  was,  a-signin?  up  a 

life  contract  in  a  trade  in  which  both  parties 

[  170  ] 


B        O        M        A        N        C        E 

lias  tried  to  con  de  odder  one,  an'  in  which, 
neider  one  has  got  de  slightest  idee  of  whut 
dey  is  gittin',  nor  whar  dey  is  gwine  to 
land. 

"  Now  des  take  courtship,  for  instance. 
Does  de  man  come  out  flat-footed,  an'  tell  de 
gal  de  truth  'bout  whut  he  is,  an'  whut  he's 
got  to  offer  her,  an'  den  leave  hit  to  her  to 
take  de  bargain  or  leave  hit  as  she  sees  fit? 
Does  he  say  to  her,  *  Sally  Ann,  of  course  I's 
got  two  eyes  in  my  haid,  an'  dere  ain't  nothin' 
de  matter  wid  my  vision,  so  I's  puffectly  aware 
dat  you  wouldn't  even  come  in  for  honorable 
mention  in  a  beauty  show,  but  I  done  took 
notice  dat  you  is  strong  an'  healthy,  so  I 
figures  hit  out  dat  de  man  whut  marries  you 
won't  have  to  spend  his  money  a-payin'  doc 
tors'  bills. 

" '  Furdermo',  I  done  sample  yo'  fried 
chicken,  an'  I  laks  de  way  dat  you  sails  into 
de  pots  an'  de  pans  lak  you  ain't  afraid  of 
'em.  Besides  you  kinder  hits  my  fancy,  so  I 
done  pick  you  out  for  a  wife,  ef  so  be  you  will 
have  me. 

"  '  But  I's  givin'  hit  to  you  straight,  dat  you 
ain't  gittin'  no  prize  package  when  you  mar- 


MIEAKDY        EXHOBTS 

ries  me.  I  don't  pull  down  but  fifteen  bones 
a  week,  an'  so  far  as  I  can  see  I  ain't  never 
gwine  to  be  none  of  dese  heah  Napoleons  of 
finance;  so  ef  you  ties  up  wid  me  as  long  as 
you  lives  you  will  have  to  wuk  an7  wear  cheap 
clothes,  an'  squeeze  ev'y  nickel  to  git  six  cents 
out  of  hit,  an'  use  yo'  feet  for  yo'  ortymo- 
bile. 

"  *  Neider  is  I  pertendin'  to  be  a  saint.  I 
bet  dere'll  be  plenty  of  times  when  I'll  be  dat 
mean,  an'  grouchy,  an'  kantankerous  dat 
you'll  wish  dat  you  had  de  nerve  to  put  poison 
in  my  coffee,  but  I  loves  you,  gal,  an'  ef  you's 
bent  on  actin'  lak  a  fool  an'  throwin'  yo'self 
away  on  some  onery  he  man,  why  you  night 
des  as  well  sacerfice  yo'self  to  me  as  anybody 
else.' 

"  Now  dat's  whut  I'd  call  a  honest  offer  of 
marriage,  an'  de  gal  dat  took  hit,  after  she 
done  looked  over  de  goods  an'  seen  dat  dey 
was  as  specified,  would  lakly  be  happy  ever 
after,  becaze  she'd  know  in  advance  whut  she 
was  gittin'  an'  dere  wouldn't  be  no  disap 
pointments  to  sour  her  disposition  when  she 
found  out  after  she  got  her  bargain  home  dat 
hit  warn't  no  mo'  lak  whut  she  thought  she 
[  172  ] 


E        O        M        A        N        O        E 

was  gittin'  dan  a  ginger  cake  is  lak  a  ele 
phant. 

"  But  dat  ain't  de  romantical  idee  of  court 
ship,  an'  no  man  would  dast  hand  a  gal  a 
honest  proposal  of  marriage.  An'  she 
wouldn't  stand  for  hit  ef  he  did.  Nawm, 
whut  he  leads  her  to  believe  is  dat  he's  as  rich 
as  Mr.  Rockinfeller,  an'  dat  he's  got  a  reg'lar 
William  J.  Bryan  God-bless-you  disposition 
dat  nothin'  can't  rile,  an'  dat  all  de  wuk  dat 
she'll  have  to  do  ef  she  marries  him  will  be  to 
meet  him  wid  a  glad  sweet  smile  of  a  evenin', 
an'  smooth  de  lines  of  care  from  his  brow  wid 
her  gentle  hand. 

"  An'  de  gal  marries  him  on  dat  flatform, 
an'  when  she  finds  out  dat  he's  got  a  temper 
lak  a  cross-cut  saw,  an'  dat  she  has  to  take  in 
washin'  to  pay  de  rent,  hit  ain't  no  wonder 
she  sorter  s'picions  dat  she  got  cheated  at  de 
altar. 

"  An'  de  gal  ain't  no  mo'  honest  dan  de  man. 
You  don't  never  heah  of  no  gal  invitin'  her 
beau  to  call  aroun'  accidental  lak  'bout  eight 
o'clock  in  de  mawnin'  befo'  she's  had  a  chanst 
to  git  on  her  straight  front,  an'  her  hand 
made  complexion,  an'  her  angel  character. 
[  173  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

Naw,  sir,  an'  you  don't  heah  of  no  gal  drap- 
pin'  a  hint  to  her  fiancie  dat  she's  dat  scared 
of  wuk  dat  she  des  runs  away  from  hit  an' 
leaves  her  po'  ole  ma  to  do  hit  all,  or  dat  de 
reason  her  pa  is  so  hump-shouldered  is  dat 
he's  most  bent  double  tryin'  to  pay  her  bills, 
or  dat  she's  got  a  red-haided  temper,  an'  a 
tongue  wid  a  perpetual  motion  attachment  to 
hit. 

"  Nawm,  a  gal  would  rather  die  dan  not  be 
romantical,  an'  sweet,  an'  gentle  lookin',  an' 
a  man  marries  her  wid  dat  kind  of  a  halo 
aroun'  her,  an'  den  when  de  halo  busses  an' 
he  finds  out  dat  she's  lazy,  an'  triflin',  a:i'  high 
tempered,  he  wonders  whut  de  fool-killer  was 
doin'  de  day  he  was  united  in  de  holy  bonds  of 
matermony  with  a  lifetime  of  trouble  an'  trib 
ulation. 

"An'  dat's  why  I  says  dat  man  is  right 
when  he  prognosticates  dat  dese  romantical 
idees  is  at  de  bottom  of  de  divorsch  evil.  Hit 
ain't  dat  men  an'  women  is  so  bad,  dat  makes 
deir  wives  an'  husbands  so  discontented  wid 
'em.  Hit's  de  disappointment  of  deir  not  bein' 
whut  de  party  of  de  odder  part  thought  dey 
was  gittin'.  Po'k-chops  is  mighty  good  eatin' 
[  174  ] 


ROMANCE 

if  you  done  set  yo'  mouth,  to  eat  po'k-chops, 
but  hit  kinder  takes  yo'  appetite  for  'em  ef 
you  bites  into  something  dat  you  thinks  is 
chicken,  an'  Mt  ain't  nothin'  but  a  po'k- 
chop." 

"  I  wonder  whut  folks  would  do  ef  dey  was 
to  do  away  wid  romance,  an'  tell  each  odder 
de  truth  befo'  marriage,"  I  says. 

"  Dey'd  stay  single,"  'spons  Ike.  "  Dere's 
things  dat  you's  got  to  put  up  in  fancy  pack 
ages  to  git  anybody  to  take  'em,  but,"  Ike  goes 
on,  a  leanin'  over  an'  pattin'  my  hand  whilst 
I  was  a-patchin'  Ms  britches,  "after  de  red 
paint  wears  off  of  de  wagon,  hit's  des  as  good, 
an'  strong,  an'  useful  as  hit  ever  was — an'  you 
couldn't  git  along  widout  hit — an'  dat's  de 
way  wid  me  an'  you,  ole  lady.  Maybe  we 
wouldn't  have  gotten  married  'ceptin'  for 
romance,  but  after  hit  was  done  we " 

"  Romance  never  gits  away  from  a  woman," 
I  says ;  "  she's  got  a  death  grip  on  hit  dat  never 
onloosens  ontel  she's  in  her  coffin.  Why,  Ike, 
you  still  look  to  me  des  lak  one  of  dem  heroes 
at  de  movies,"  I  'spons,  an'  at  dat  Ike  he  say, 
"  Huh,"  but  when  he  passed  me,  he  drapped  a 
five-dollar  bill  in  my  lap,  an'  dat's  how  come  I 
[  175  ] 


MIKANDY        EXHOETS 

got  dis  heah  gran'  new  hat  wid  a  fedder  in 
hit. 

An'  as  Ma'y  Jane  says,  "Whut  would  de 
worl'  do  widout  romance?  " 


[  176] 


ADVICE  TO  BRIDEGROOMS 

DID  you  ever  notice  dat  when  anybody  has 
got  any  advice  to  promulgate  dey  hands  hit 
out  to  women?  Dey  don't  pass  hit  on  to  men. 

An'  when  a  preacher  preaches  one  of  dese 
heah  soul-scarifyin'  sermons,  whut  holds  sin 
ners  by  de  slack  of  deir  clothes  over  de  pit,  he 
always  addresses  his  remarks  to  de  sistern 
instid  of  de  brethren,  dough  Gord  knows  dat 
de  brethren  needs  hit  de  mos'. 

An'  de  papers  is  full  of  heart-to-heart  talks 
to  wives  'bout  how  to  keep  young  an'  willowy, 
so  as  to  retain  deir  husbands'  affection,  but 
dere  ain't  a  word  in  'em,  from  kiver  to  kiver, 
to  men  'bout  how  to  keep  de  hair  on  deir  haids 
an'  from  gittin'  to  look  lak  beer  kegs  on  skids 
in  order  to  preserve  deir  wives'  love. 
[  177  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHORTS 

An'  when  a  gal  is  gwine  to  git  married,  her 
ma,  an'  her  married  sisters,  an'  her  cousins, 
an'  her  aunts  takes  her  off  to  one  side  an'  des 
fills  her  up  wid  useful  hints  'bout  gittin'  off 
on  de  right  foot,  an'  strikin'  her  husban'  for 
plenty  of  money  befo'  he  gits  well  enough  ac 
quainted  wid  her  to  dast  to  refuse  her,  an' 
drawin'  de  line  at  mo'  dan  one  evenin'  out  a 
week,  an'  de  odder  matters  dat  helps  a  woman 
be  de  boss  in  her  house.  But  you  never  heah 
of  a  father,  nor  a  brother,  nor  a  frier  d  whut's 
passed  through  de  tribulations  of  matermony 
hangin'  up  any  red  lanterns  as  danger  signals 
for  any  odder  man  dat's  about  to  start  on  de 
matermonial  'scursion. 

Nawm,  ef  a  man  ever  finds  out  how  to  man 
age  a  wife,  he  keeps  de  snap  to  hisself  an' 
leaves  ev'y  odder  man  to  work  out  his  own 
salvation  de  best  he  can,  but  when  a  woman 
diskivers  how  to  henpeck  her  husban',  she 
passes  de  tip  aroun'  to  ev'y  odder  woman  she 
meets  up  wid,  which  shows  whut  gran'  hearts 
women  is  got,  an'  how  dey  is  des  sloshin'  over 
wid  sympathy. 

Cou'se  I  knows  dat  advice  is  most  ginerally 
lak  dese  heah  styley-lookin',  ready-made 
[  178  ] 


BEIDEGEOOMS 

frocks  dat  you  sees  in  de  sto'  windows.  Hit 
looks  lak  a  puffect  thirty-six  dat  was  jes'  made 
for  you,  but  when  you  tries  hit  on,  hit  don't 
fit  yo'  case  at  all.  Hit's  too  long  in  some 
places  an'  too  sho't  in  odders,  an'  hit  don't 
meet  in  de  middle,  an'  you  finds  hit  mighty 
hard  to  be  grateful  to  de  pusson  whut  per- 
sented  hit  to  you,  ef  so  be  as  you  takes  hit. 

But  outside  of  advice  mos'  ginerally  not 
wukin'  out  right,  hit's  kind  of  comfortin'  to 
feel  lak  somebody  takes  enough  interest  in 
you  to  want  to  give  you  a  steer  in  de  right 
direction,  an'  dat's  why  I  don't  see  why  hit  is 
dat  men  don't  git  deir  full  share  of  hit,  same 
as  women  does.  Maybe  hit's  becaze  men  is  so 
bigoty  dat  dey  t'inks  dey's  got  sense  enough  to 
run  deir  own  business  by  deirselves,  an'  dat 
when  hit  comes  to  a  little  thing  lak  dealin' 
wid  a  wife  an'  a  mother-in-law,  dat  dey  can 
do  dat  wid  deir  left  hand  widout  askin'  no 
counsel  of  nobody. 

Yassum,  I's  heard  a  lot  of  young  men,  whut 
never  had  mixed  up  none  wid  matermony, 
discoursin'  befo'  dey  was  married  on  how  dey 
was  gwine  to  be  de  haid  of  deir  own  house, 
an'  whut  dey  was  gwine  to  let  deir  wives  do, 
[  179  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

an'  whut  dey  wasn't  gwine  to  let  deir  wives  do, 
but  I  disremembers  dat  I's  ever  heard  any  of 
dese  men  a  telling  after  dey  had  been  married 
two  or  three  yeahs,  how  deir  schemes  for  man- 
agin'  a  wife  wuked  out,  which  sorter  led  me 
to  think  dat  maybe  dere  was  a  kinder  hitch  in 
de  perceedin's. 

Yassum,  de  secret  of  how  to  manage  a  wife 
is  one  of  de  things  dat  ev'y  man  thinks  he 
knows,  ontel  he  tries  hit,  which  is  Gord's 
mercy  to  us  women,  or  else  we'd  all  be  ole 
maids,  an'  you  don't  never  heah  of  no  bride 
groom  comin'  an'  settin'  at  de  feet  of  a  'speri- 
enced  woman  lak  I  is,  an'  askin'  her  for  a  few 
p'ints  'bout  how  to  do  hit. 

Dat's  de  reason  dat  last  night,  when  Sim 
Johnsing,  whut's  'bout  to  tie  up  wid  Sis  Ma'y 
Ellen's  daughter,  Vi'let,  come  over  to  my 
house  to  tell  me  whut  a  gran'  an'  noble  critter 
she  is,  an'  how  he  knowed  dat  dere  never  was 
gwine  to  be  nothin'  but  love  an'  sunshine  in 
deir  home,  dat  I  des  felt  called  on  to  bestow 
on  him  free,  gratis,  for  nothin',  some  of  de 
advice  he  didn't  have  'nough  sense  to  ax  for. 

"  Dat's  all  right,  Sim,"  says  I,  "  for  you  to 
think  dat  way  'bout  Vi'let  an'  matermony.  I's 
[  180  ] 


BBIDEGBOOMS 

proud  to  heah  yo'  sentiments,  an'  hit's  de  way 
ev'y  young  man  should  feel  when  he  starts 
into  de  holy  estate.  Nuther  is  I  disputin'  dat 
Vf  let  is  a  angel,  but  even  angels'  wings  some 
times  gits  ruffled,  an7  hit's  money  in  a  man's 
pocket  an'  peace  in  his  home  for  him  to  have 
a  good,  reliable  recipe  for  de  best  way  to 
smooth  'em  down. 

"Now,  s'pose  you  finds  out  after  you  is 
married  to  Vi'let  dat  she's  one  of  dese  heah 
women  whut's  afflicted  wid  de  bargain  counter 
habit,  an'  dat  all  of  yo'  money  goes  for  things 
dat  she  ain't  got  no  use  for,  but  dat  she  buys 
becaze  dey's  been  marked  down  from  $1.50  to 
|1.49. 

"  Don't  waste  yo'  breath  argifyin'  wid  her, 
becaze  she  won't  listen  to  a  word  you  says. 
Don't  rile  her  by  tellin'  her  dat  things  dat  she 
don't  need  ain't  cheap  at  no  price  an'  dat  she 
is  a  waster,  becaze  ev'y  woman  believes  dat 
she  knows  mo'  'bout  handlin'  money  dan  Mr. 
Eockinf eller,  an'  she  wonders  how  hit  was  dat 
her  husband  ever  kept  out  of  de  po'house  bef  o' 
she  took  charge  of  his  pocketbook. 

"  Kaw,  sir,  dere's  des  one  way  to  break  a 

woman  of  de  bargain  habit,  an'  dat  is  to  tell 

t 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

her  dat  de  things  dat  she  buys  looks  lak  bar 
gains.  Dat'll  stop  her,  becaze  de  wharfore- 
ness  of  de  whyness  of  a  bargain  is  dat  a 
woman  thinks  dat  she's  foolin'  her  best 
friends. 

"  Or  suppose,  after  you  gits  married  to  Vi'- 
let,  dat  you  finds  out  dat  de  mouth  dat  butter 
wouldn't  melt  in  now  is  got  a  tongue  in  hit 
dat's  hung  in  de  middle  an'  dat  wuks  at  both 
ends,  'specially  when  you's  drapped  by  de  crap 
game  on  yo'  way  from  wuk  or  is  a  little  late 
in  punchin'  de  time-clock  at  home.  Don't  try 
to  talk  her  down,  becaze  when  hit  comes  to 
talkin',  no  man  ain't  a  match  for  a  woman. 
He  lacks  swiftness  an'  stayin'  powers. 

"  Des  you  wait  ontel  she  sorter  runs  down, 
an'  den  you  tell  her  dat  you  grieves  to  see  her 
git  mad  lak  dat,  becaze  hit  sorter  breaks  up 
dat  sweet,  gentle  look  an'  dat  pleasant  smile 
which  suttenly  does  make  her  look  lak  a  an 
gel.  She'll  simmer  down  jes'  lak  a  pot  you 
takes  off  of  de  fire  when  you  says  dat  to  her, 
an'  she'll  be  'fraid  to  do  mo'  dan  say  prunes 
an'  prisms  for  fear  of  disturbin'  de  look  on  her 
face.  Yassum,  I  seed  a  woman  go  roun'  for 
thuty  yeahs  wid  a  set  smile  on  her  face  becaze 
[  182  ] 


BEIDEGEOOMS 

somebody  tole  her  dat  she  looked  lak  dat 
Mooney  Liza  picture  dat  you's  got  in  yo'  par 
lor. 

"An'  never  make  de  mistake,  lak  lots  of 
husbands  does,  of  kickin'  at  yo'  wife's  cookin' 
an'  tellin'  'bout  de  pie  dat  yo'  ma  used  to 
make.  Maybe  Vi'let's  bread  will  be  fust  aid 
to  suicide,  an'  her  po'k-chops  taste  lak  murder 
an'  sudden  death,  but  instid  of  tellin'  her  how 
bad  dey  is,  des  smile  sadly  an'  say  dat  she  has 
done  spoiled  you  wid  good  cookin'  ontel  you 
ain't  got  no  appetite  for  things  dat  ain't  des 
right. 

"Dat'll  make  her  think  dat  she's  got  de 
reputation  of  bein'  a  boss  cook,  an'  she'll  break 
her  neck  to  live  up  to  hit,  an'  de  fust  news 
you  knows,  you'll  be  livin'  on  de  fat  of  de  Ian'. 

"Hit's  a  funny  thing  to  me  dat  men  ain't 
found  out  befo'  dis  dat  ev'y  woman  treats  her 
husban'  lak  she  thinks  he  expects  her  to  treat 
him,  an'  all  dat  a  man  is  got  to  do  is  to  hold 
up  befo'  his  wife's  eyes  de  picture  of  de  kind 
of  a  wife  he  wants,  an'  she'll  copy  hit. 

"  But  de  main  thing  in  managin'  a  wife  is 
des  not  to  be  sparin'  in  de  use  of  soft  soap. 
Apply  hit  wid  a  liberal  hand.  Tell  yo'  wife 
[  183  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

dat  she's  de  prettiest  thing  in  de  world,  an'  de 
greatest  manager,  an'  dat  she's  got  de  sweet 
est  temper,  an'  she'll  wuk  her  fingers  to  de 
bone  for  you  an'  pinch  ev'y  nickel  till  de  buf 
falo  squeals  wid  pain,  an'  she'll  think  ev'y- 
thing  dat  you  do  is  done  by  ole  man  Solomon 
hisself. 

"Try  dese  few  rules,  son,"  says  I,  "an' 
matermony  will  be  a  gran',  sweet  song.  Hit 
ain't  no  trouble  to  wuk  a  woman — ef  you 
knows  how." 


[  184] 


TELLING  YOUR  TROUBLES 

AIN'T  hit  funny  dat  when  women  wants  to 
have  a  real,  sho'  enuf  good  time  dey  des  sets 
down  an'  norrates  'bout  deir  troubles?  You'd 
think  dat  when  anything  happened  to  any 
body  dat  was  bad  enuf  for  'em  to  cry  'bout 
dat  dey'd  sorter  draw  de  veil  of  silence  over 
hit,  but  dat  ain't  de  way  dat  de  female  in- 
tellek  wuks. 

Hit  laks  to  perrade  hits  griefs  in  public,  an' 
dere  ain't  no  thin'  dat  a  woman  really  enjoys 
lak  havin'  a  secret  sorrow  dat  she  can  tell  to 
anybody  dat'll  listen.  An'  when  she  gits  good 
an'  started  on  tellin'  her  troubles,  she  des 
throws  de  throttle  wide  open  an'  lets  her 
tongue  go,  no  matter  ef  she  is  blastin'  de  char 
acters  of  her  own  flesh  an'  blood. 
[  185  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

Now  dere's  Sis  Sally  Sue,  who  'bout  once  in 
so  often  comes  over  an7  spends  de  day  wid  me, 
an'  she  des  has  a  reg'lar  party  complainin' 
'bout  her  chillun,  an'  how  ondutiful  dey  is  to 
her,  an'  how  dey  don't  appreciate  nothin'  dat 
she  does  for  'em,  an'  how  dey  won't  listen  to 
her  when  she  p'ints  out  to  'em  dat  dey's  des 
rackin'  along  de  road  to  ruin. 

"  Yassum,  Sis  Mirandy,"  says  Sis  Sally  Sue 
in  a  mournful  tone,  "  de  hand  of  de  Lawd  is 
suttenly  laid  heavy  on  me.  Yassum,  Sis  Mi- 
randy,  yo'  chillun  steps  on  yo'  feet  when  dey 
is  little,  but  dey  tromples  all  over  yo'  heart 
when  dey  is  growed  up." 

"  Speak  for  yo'self,  Sis  Sally  Sue,"  'spons  I, 
"  for  so  fur  as  my  chillun  is  concerned  dey  is 
done  me  proud,  'count  of  my  bringin'  'em  up 
in  de  fear  of  de  Lawd  an'  de  bed-slat,  which 
suttenly  does  have  a  elevatin'  influence  on  de 
young." 

"  I  sho  does  envy  you,  Sis  Mirandy,  for  you 
is  one  lucky  woman  to  have  a  daughter  lak 
Ma'y  Jane,"  says  Sis  Sally  Sue,  fetchin'  a 
groan.  "  Now  dere's  my  Maude  Geraldine 
whut  I  sent  off  to  de  Female  Cemetery  to 
school  an'  give  all  de  disadvantages  of  eddi- 
[  186  ] 


TELLING       YOUR       TROUBLES 

cation  to.  Yassum,  I  reckon  I  put  de  washin' 
of  a  thousand  shu't-waists  into  dat  gal's  haid, 
an'  whut  is  de  reward  dat  I  gits  for  my  trou 
ble?  She  goes  a-galavantin'  roun'  wid  dat  Si 
Perkins,  an'  she  stays  out  till  twelve  o'clock  at 
night,  an'  she  won't  tell  me  whar  she's  been. 
I  reckon  ef  all  de  tears  I  done  shed  over  dat 
gal  was  put  in  a  jug  dere  would  be  salt  enough 
in  hit  to  run  a  fambly  for  a  yeah." 

"  Huh,"  says  I,  sorter  clickin'  my  tongue 
against  de  roof  of  my  mouth  to  make  a  noise 
lak  sympathy,  for  hit's  a  jubous  thing  to  agree 
wid  anybody  when  dey's  abusin'  deir  chil- 
lun. 

"  An'  dere's  my  daughter  Ca'line,"  goes  on 
Sis  Sally  Sue,  a-moanin'  lak  she  was  tooken 
wid  a  sudden  misery.  "  She's  dat  lazy  an' 
triflin'  an'  no-account  dat  she  lays  on  her  back 
an'  reads  novels  whilst  her  po'  ma  wrastles 
wid  de  pots  an'  pans.  An'  she's  dat  selfish  an' 
greedy  dat  she  grabs  de  breast  of  de  chicken 
an'  de  heart  of  de  po'k  chops  by  de  time  you 
sets  'em  on  de  table.  An'  she's  dat  high-tem 
pered  dat  I  don't  dast  rile  her,  for  she  sho  am 
a  terror  when  she  gits  her  dander  up." 

"  You  po'  thing,"  says  I,  an'  when  you  says 
[187  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

dat  to  a  woman  whut's  tellin'  her  troubles,  hit 
jes'  sicks  her  on  lak  de  smell  of  blood  does  a 
bloodhound. 

"  An'  I  ain't  had  no  better  luck  in  my  son 
Tom  dan  I  is  in  my  gals,"  says  Sis  Sally  Sue, 
a-wipin'  her  eyes,  "  for  I  misdoubts  dat  Tom 
was  bawn  too  tired  to  wuk,  an'  dat  he's  got  a 
hankerin'  for  hangin'  roun'  de  pool  parlor,  an' 
instid  of  his  suppo'tin'  me,  he  lets  his  po'  ole 
mammy  wuk  her  fingers  to  de  bone  to  feed 
him.  Yassum,  Sis  Mirandy,  bein'  a  mother 
sho  am  a  hard  job  an'  filled  wid  woe." 

An'  den  Sis  Sally  Sue,  whut's  had  a  gran' 
time  swiggin'  tea  an'  tellin'  me  her  troubles, 
goes  on  away  to  de  next  house  an'  prognosti 
cates  to  de  next  woman  all  'bout  her  sad  tale, 
an'  how  mean  her  chillun  treats  her,  an'  how 
onery  dey  is. 

'Bout  three  days  after  dat  I  run  across 
Sally  Sue  agin,  an'  she  sho'  did  have  hay  on 
her  horns. 

"  Sis  Mirandy,"  says  she,  "  dis  am  a  scan 
dalous  worl',  an'  full  of  snakes  in  de  grass  dat 
is  tryin'  to  take  away  de  good  name  of  my 
precious  chillun.  Yassum,  Sis  Mirandy,  de 
neighbors  sho'  must  a  been  spyin'  on  Maude 
[  188  ] 


TELLING       YOUE       TEOUBLE8 

Geraldine,  for  hit's  done  got  out  dat  she's 
runnin'  aroun'  wid  Si  Perkins,  an'  de  women 
is  lookin'  at  her  slantwise  an'  sayin'  dat  dey 
misdoubts  dat  she  ain't  no  better  dan  she 
ought  to  be. 

"An'  furdermo',  Sis  Mirandy,  I  done  heah 
dat  some  of  dem  young  bucks  say  dat  dey  ain't 
got  no  notion  of  tyin'  up  wid  a  gal  dat's  lazy, 
an'  triflin',  an'  greedy,  an'  high-tempered  lak 
Ca'line,  an'  when  I  axed  Br'er  Eben,  whut  was 
lookin'  for  a  steady,  industrious  young  man, 
to  give  de  job  to  my  boy  Tom,  he  say  dat  he 
done  heah  tell  dat  de  only  wuk  dat  Tom  was 
good  at  was  holdin'  down  a  cheer,  an'  dat  he 
ain't  honin'  to  have  dat  kind  of  a  loafer  aroun' 
his  place. 

"  My  goodness,  Sis  Mirandy,  ain't  hit  awful 
de  way  folks  gossips,  an'  how  in  de  worl'  do 
you  reckon  dey  ever  promulgates  all  dem  lies 
'bout  my  angel  chillun?  " 

"  You  tole  'em  yo'self,  Sis  Sally  Sue,"  ?spons 
I.  "  Ef  you  hadn't  gone  roun'  tellin'  yo'  trou 
bles  an'  noratin7  'bout  Maude  Geraldine  bein' 
nighty,  an'  Ca'line  bein'  lazy  an'  shiftless,  an' 
Tom  no-account,  dere  ain't  a  one  of  us  dat 
ever  would  have  s'picioned  hit. 
[  189  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

"Yassum,  Sis  Sally  Sue,  dat's  de  way  dat 
most  all  of  de  scandals  git  out.  Folks  tell  on 
deirselves.  Ef  you'd  trace  any  scandal  right 
straight  back  home  to  hits  ma,  you'd  find  out 
dat  somebody  started  de  story  dat  brung 
shame  an'  disgrace  on  'em,  by  tellin'  deir  trou 
bles  to  somebody. 

"  Folks  might  have  guessed  something  was 
wrong,  an'  dey  might  have  s'picioned  some 
thing,  but  dey  never  could  have  knowed  for 
sho'  or  got  de  particlers,  ef  some  woman  whut 
couldn't  keep  her  tongue  behind  her  teeth 
hadn't  gone  aroun'  tellin'  jes'  how  her  heart 
was  broke,  an'  sheddin'  a  few  barrels  of  tears 
all  over  de  place. 

"  An'  de  po'  goose,  whut  done  squawked  out 
de  things  dat  she  had  ought  to  be  killed  for 
tellin',  is  des  lak  you.  She  wonders  how  dey 
got  out,  an'  says  dis  sho'  is  a  evil  worl',  whar 
you  can't  keep  nothin'  hid,  but  I's  tellin'  you 
dat  we  starts  all  of  de  reports  on  ourselves  an' 
our  famblies,  an'  dere's  mighty  little  dat  any 
body  finds  out  'bout  us  an'  our  affairs  dat  we 
ain't  tole  'em  wid  our  own  mouths. 

"  Co'se,  Sis  Sally  Sue,  I  ain't  a-'sputin'  dat 
Mt's  a  pleasure  to  tell  yo'  troubles,  nuther  is  I 
[  190] 


TELLING      YOUR      TROUBLES 

argifyin'  dat  hit's  interestin'  listenin'  to  od 
der  folkses  sorrows,  but  I  reckons  dat  'bout  de 
most  dangerous  pastime  dat  a  woman  ever  in 
dulges  in  is  when  she  onlocks  de  closet  door, 
drags  out  de  farnbly  skeleton,  an'  pulls  de 
string,  an'  makes  hit  dance  for  her  own  pleas 
ure — an'  yours. 

"  Yassum,  ef  I  was  one  of  dese  heah  re 
formers — which  please  Gord  I  ain't,  for  I's 
got  all  I  can  do  to  keep  ole  Mirandy  from 
segasuatin'  off  of  de  straight  an'  narrow  path ! 
— but,  anyway,  ef  I  was  one  of  dem  pussons 
whut  is  got  a  call  to  elevate  de  female  sect,  you 
know  whut  I'd  do  to  raise  'em  up  to  de  higher 
life  dat  dey's  always  prognosticatin'  'bout 
livin'? 

"  I'd  pervide  'em  wid  a  lot  of  gags  an'  in 
struct  'em  to  put  'em  on  whenever  dey  felt  de 
temptation  comin'  on  'em  to  tell  deir  troubles. 
An'  most  specially  I'd  teach  'em  to  haul  out 
de  reliable  old  bit  an'  clamp  hit  on  tight  an' 
fast  in  dem  hours  when  women  takes  off  deir 
corsets,  an'  lets  down  deir  back  hair  togedder, 
an'  goes  on  a  tear  jag,  an'  de  onliest  thing  dey 
don't  tell  each  odder  is  dem  things  which  dey 
is  done  forgot. 

[  191  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

"Ef  you  could  stop  women  from  talkuV 
'bout  deir  troubles,  you'd  stop  most  of  de  trou 
ble  in  de  worF.  Dere  ain't  no  odder  such  a 
healin'  poultice  as  silence  is,  nohow." 


[192  ] 


THE  MONOTONY  OF 
DOMESTICITY 

"  I's  been  hearin'  folks  talk  a  lot  of  foolish 
ness  lately  'bout  married  life  bein'  dull,  but, 
my  Ian',  dem  whut  prognosticates  dat  way 
sholy  must  be  dem  whut  ain't  never  tried  hit, 
or  else  dey  must  be  fighters  from  Fight  Town, 
an'  honin'  to  whip  deir  weight  in  wild  cats. 

"  I  don't  know  how  dey  figures  hit  out  dat 
married  life  is  dull.  Me,  I's  been  married  to 
Ike  nigh  on  to  thuty  yeahs,  an'  in  all  dat  time 
I  ain't  found  no  place  whar  I  struck  de  level 
ground,  an'  could  set  down  ca'm  an'  peaceable, 
an'  take  my  eye  off  of  Ike. 

'"!Nawm,  I  ain't  never  had  no  occasion  to 
complain  'bout  married  life  bein'  dull.  Ef 
dere  was  any  more  excitement  in  hit  dan  dere 
[  193  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

is  I'd  liave  been  a  laid  out  long  ago  wid  dis 
heah  nervous  prosperity  dat  de  rich  folks 
have. 

"  In  de  fust  place,  a  man  is  a  riddle  no  wife 
ever  guesses.  You  kin  be  married  to  one  for  a 
million  yeahs,  an7  think  dat  you  knows  de  ins 
an'  de  outs  of  his  temper,  an'  his  appetite,  an' 
his  cussedness  lak  you  does  yo'  own  pocket, 
an'  den,  lo  an'  behol',  de  fust  news  you  know, 
he  ups  an'  does  somethin'  dat  you  ain't  never 
suspected  he  had  concealed  in  his  system. 

"  Yassum,  a  husban'  suttenly  does  keep  you 
guessin',  for  you  never  kin  tell  when  he's 
gwine  to  break  out  in  a  new  place.  Nawm, 
dere  ain't  nothin'  dull  in  bein'  married,  an' 
dere  ain't  no  sameness  'bout  havin'  a  husban', 
which,  I  reckon,  is  de  main  reason  dat  most 
of  us  women  wants  one. 

"Hit's  de  ole  maids  an'  de  ole  bachelors 
whut  ain't  got  nobody  to  sass  'em,  an'  dispute 
'em,  an'  rile  'em,  an'  fight  wid  'em  dat  gits 
dull  an'  lonesome  lak.  Not  married  folks. 
Life  in  one  of  dese  heah  ole  bachelor  clubs  or 
spinsters'  retreats  makes  me  think  of  one  of 
my  batter-puddin's.  Hit  sets  well  on  a  weak 
stomach,  but  hit  ain't  got  no  flavor  to  hit. 
[  194  ] 


DOMESTICITY 

"  But  matermony,  hit's  lak  one  of  de  fruit 
cakes  whut  I  bakes  at  Christmas.  Hit's  full 
of  ginger,  an'  spice,  an'  plums,  an'  raisins,  an' 
hit's  mighty  apt  to  give  deni  a  nightmare  whut 
partakes  of  hit,  but  hit  sho'  has  got  taste  to 
hit.  An'  dere's  a  lot  of  excitement  in  des 
tryin'  to  figger  out  de  problem  of  whut  made 
you  marry  de  one  dat  you  did,  an'  whedder 
you's  glad  or  sorry,  for  you  don't  never  guess 
de  riddle. 

"  Yassum,  I  done  been  up  ag'inst  mater- 
rnony  for  thuty  yeahs,  lak  I  said,  an'  I  done 
found  a  plenty  of  things  in  hit  dat  sholy  was 
a  surprise  to  me,  but  I  ain't  never  found  no 
dullness.  Leastwise  I  ain't  wid  Ike. 

"Now  I  ain't  a-sayin'  nothin'  ag'inst  Ike. 
Ike,  he's  a  good  man,  an'  a  fust-class  brick 
layer,  an'  a  fair  to  middlin'  husban',  but  he's 
one  of  de  kind  of  men  dat  comes  by  de  bolt. 
He's  jest  lak  de  general  ruck  an'  run  of  'em. 

"  He  believed — leastways  he  did  when  we 
was  married,  for  I's  sort  of  shook  his  faith  in 
dat  doctrine — dat  after  a  man  an'  woman  was 
married,  an'  got  settled  down  to  housekeeping 
an'  de  man  got  tired  of  holdin'  her  hand,  an' 
tellin'  her  dat  she  was  de  Lily  of  de  Valley, 
[  195  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOKTS 

an'  de  Rose  of  Sharon,  dat  de  man  ought  to 
amuse  hisself  by  galavantin'  'roun'  at  nights, 
whilst  de  woman  couldn't  want  no  mo'  fun 
dan  des  waitin'  up  for  him  wid  a  sweet,  pa 
tient  smile,  an'  openin'  de  do'  for  him. 

"  Maybe  married  life  would  have  been  dull 
for  me  ef  I'd  a  fell  in  wid  dem  views.  I  reckon 
hit  am  sort  of  wearin'  an'  monotonous  settin' 
up  by  yo'self  prognosticatin'  whar  yo'  husban' 
is,  an'  whut  he's  a-doin'.  Yassum,  I  specs  dat 
is  a  sorter  slow  way  to  pass  a  evenin'.  But 
dere  didn't  git  to  be  no  sameness  in  hit  for 
me.  'Bout  de  second  time  Ike  segasuated  off 
by  hisself,  when  he  got  home  he  found  rne 
waitin'  up  for  him  wid  a  big  piece  o'  kindlin' 
in  one  han',  an'  de  stove-lifter  in  de  odder,  an' 
you  better  believe  dat  dere  warn't  nothin'  dull 
in  married  life  for  de  next  few  minutes  for 
me.  Nor  for  Ike  nuther. 

"Furdermo'  whut  happened  in  dat  little 
mix-up  seemed  to  kinder  interest  Ike  in  home 
life,  too.  Leastways  after  he  got  out  of  de 
horspital  he  never  went  out  no  mo'  huntin' 
excitement  of  an  evenin'. 

"  Yassum,  dere's  plenty  of  ways  of  livenin' 
up  married  life — ef  you's  got  de  spunk. 
[  196  ] 


DOMESTICITY 

"As  for  me,  Ps  always  kept  things  goin', 
an'  Ike  an'  me  ain't  found  no  sameness,  an' 
when  things  git  sort  of  so-so,  an'  we  can't  dis 
pute  'bout  nothin'  else,  we  can  always  fall 
back  on  de  chu'ch. 

"  I  don't  know  whut  dem  famblies  do  whut 
ain't  got  no  religion  in  'em.  Now,  I's  a  deep- 
water  Baptist,  an'  Ike,  he's  a  predestination 
foreordained  Presbyterian  sprinkler.  I's  done 
lost  a  tooth,  an'  Ike's  got  a  bald  spot  tryin'  to 
settle  de  question  of  infant  baptism,  dat  we 
started  to  argyfy  over  befo'  we  was  married, 
an'  dat  we  ain't  settled  yit,  an'  to  dis  day  hit's 
just  as  good  for  a  shindy  as  a  nickel  is  for  a 
ginger  cake. 

"  I  hear  some  married  women  complainin' 
dat  married  life  am  dull  becaze  dey's  always 
a-cookin',  an'  a-sweepin',  an'  a-scrubbin',  an' 
a-patchin'  for  husbands  dat  don't  never  notice 
whut  dey  has  done,  an'  whut  gits  de  lockjaw 
when  things  go  right,  but  dat  kin  hand  out 
lambastin'  lak  a  talkin'  machine  when  de 
bread  gits  burnt,  an'  de  meat  am  tough.  I 
don't  blame  'em.  Hit  sholy  does  git  on  yo' 
nerves  to  wuk  yo'  fingers  to  de  bone  for  a  man 
whut  growls  lak  a  dog  over  his  vittels. 
[  197  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

"  But  I  done  settled  dat  long  ago.  Course 
no  woman  specs  much,  manners  from  her  hus- 
ban',  an'  I  warn't  a-lookin'  for  Ike  to  stand 
aroun'  an'  hand  me  out  bouquets.  But  hit 
didn't  take  but  one  stick  of  stove-wood  to 
teach  him  dat  I  could  make  better  cake  dan 
his  mother  ever  dared  to,  an'  dat  ef  he  ever 
throwed  up  her  biscuit  to  me,  dere  would  be 
one  nigger  dat  would  have  to  take  his  clothes 
an'  go  an'  hunt  for  anodder  boa'din'  place. 

"Den  Ike,  he's  mighty  given  to  makin' 
sheep's  eyes  at  ev'y  pretty  gal  he  runs  across, 
but,  my  Lawd,  you  orter  see  de  excitement  dat 
I  put  in  things  when  I  caught  him  hangin' 
over  de  gate  a  confabulatin'  wid  dat  Ma'y 
Jane  Jones,  whut  ain't  no  better  dan  she 
ought  to  be.  I  fairly  made  de  fur  fly,  an'  de 
way  things  hummed  aroun'  our  house  was  a 
caution. 

"Nawm,  I  don't  know  whut  dey  means 
when  dey  talks  'bout  married  life  bein'  dull — 
specially  for  a  woman.  Fust  dere's  de  sport 
of  catchin'  a  man,  an'  den  dere's  de  excite 
ment  of  holdin'  on  to  him  after  you  gits  him, 
an'  ef  dat  don't  keep  a  woman  up  an'  doin', 
an'  interested,  I  don't  know  whar  she'll  find 
[  198  ] 


DOMESTICITY 

a  job  wid  enough,  thrills  in  hit  to  suit  her 
taste. 

"  Dere  ain't  no  sameness  'bout  life  when 
you's  got  a  husban',  'caze  a  husban'  is  lak  a 
flea.  You  never  can  put  yo'  finger  on  him,  an' 
jes'  'bout  de  time  dat  you  thinks  dat  you's  got 
him,  he  ain't  dar. 

"  Dere  ain't  no  settlin'  a  man  till  he's  set 
tled  in  de  grave.  An'  dat's  de  reason  dat  wid- 
ders  is  de  only  women  dat  has  got  a  ca'm  an' 
peaceful  look.  Hit's  de  fust  time  deir  minds 
have  been  at  rest  since  dey  got  married. 

"  ISawm,  I  done  found  lots  of  things  in 
married  life  dat  I  warn't  lookin'  for,  but  I 
ain't  found  hit  dull.  Appears  to  me  dat  mat- 
ermony  is  mo'  lak  monkeyin'  wid  a  buzz-saw 
dan  anything  else  in  dis  world." 


[  199  ] 


KISSING 

"  Sis  MIBANDY/'  says  Sis  Hannah  Jane,  "  is 
you  done  read  in  de  paper  'bout  dat  man  whut 
lias  done  gone  to  de  co't,  an'  axed  de  jedge, 
please,  sir,  to  pertect  Mm  from  Ms  wife  kissin' 
Mm  to  death?  " 

"  De  lan's  sake !  "  sclaims  I,  "  you  don't  say 
so!  But  dat  man  sholy  must  be  lackin'  in 
probusness  ef  he  can't  git  away  from  his  wife's 
kisses.  I  lay  dat  ef  I  was  to  set  out  to  enjoy 
a  kissin'-bee  wid  my  ole  man,  Ike,  dat  I'd  have 
to  do  hit  on  de  run,  an'  Mt's  my  opinion  dat 
he  would  outsprint  me." 

"Dat's  de  true  word,"  'spons  Sis  Hannah 

Jane,  "  but  dis  heah  man  says  as  how  his  wife 

is  of  dat  confectionery  a  disposition  dat  all  de 

time  dat  she  is  at  home  she  is  a-hangin'  'round 

[  200  ] 


KISSING 

his  neck,  an'  a-kissin'  him  ontil  he  ain't  got  no 
appetite  left  for  his  vittels.  So  he  done  ax  de 
jedge  to  put  his  wife  under  bonds  to  keep  de 
peace,  an'  not  to  kiss  him  mo'  dan  three  times 
a  day — an'  dem  kisses  is  got  to  be  short,  quick 
ones,  dat  you  gits  soon  over  wid,  lak  you 
swallows  a  pill." 

"  Well,  I  ain't  a-blamin'  him,"  says  I,  "  an' 
he  ain't  de  fust  man  dat's  got  into  trouble  over 
havin'  one  of  dese  heah  kissin'-bug  wives. 
Dat's  de  way  dat  Br'er  Eben  los'  de  top  of  his 
ear.  My  gracious,  ain't  you  never  heard  dat 
tale?  Hit  was  lak  dis : 

"  You  know  Br'er  Eben  is  married  to  Sis 
Araminty,  whut's  one  of  dese  heah  clingin'- 
vine  women,  whut  hangs  'roun'  a  man  lak  a 
wet  dishrag  roun'  de  clothes  line ;  an'  she  sut- 
tenly  was  de  boss  kisser,  whut  could  a-held  de 
long-distance  indurance  record  against  all 
comers. 

"When  Br'er  Eben  come  home  tired  of  a 
night  from  his  wuk  he  had  to  spend  ten  min 
utes  kissin'  her,  when  all  he  was  a-thinkin' 
'bout  was  his  dinner,  an'  when  he  started  off 
of  a  mawnin'  in  a  hurry  to  his  carpenter  shop 
he  had  to  stop  an7  kiss  her  ten  minutes  mo'. 
[  201  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

Sometimes  he'd  git  sort  of  desperate,  an'  think 
dat  he'd  make  a  sneak  of  hit  an'  cut  out  de 
kissing  but  if  lie  did  Sis  Araminty's  three 
chins  would  all  of  'em  begin  to  trimble,  an' 
she'd  say  in  a  voice  lak  a  dyin'  calf,  <  Ain't  you 
done  forgot  something  Eben? '  and  den  Br'er 
Eben  would  have  to  come  back  an'  kiss  her 
whilst  he  was  a-thinkin'  all  de  cuss  words  in 
de  dictionary. 

"  Well,  dat's  de  way  things  goes  along  ontil 
one  day  Br'er  Eben  was  on  his  way  home,  an' 
he  stopped  at  de  butcher  shop  an'  bought  a 
couple  of  pounds  of  liver,  dat  he  lef,  absent- 
minded  lak,  a-layin'  on  de  butcher's  block ;  an' 
jest  as  he  retched  de  do'  de  butcher  called  him 
back,  an'  say,  '  Ain't  you  forgot  somethin', 
Eben? '  des  lak  Sis  Araminty  always  say  when 
he  skipped  kissin'  her. 

"  An'  Br'er  Eben,  from  de  force  of  habit  at 
hearin'  dem  words  from  Sis  Araminty  so 
often,  retched  across  an'  give  de  butcher  a  kiss 
right  on  de  mouth,  an'  de  butcher  returned  hit 
wid  one  swipe  of  de  cleaver  whut  took  off  de 
top  of  Br'er  Eben's  ear,  lak  I  tells  you.  Dey 
do  say  as  how  dere  was  a  gran'  fight  in  dat 
butcher  shop  befo'  Br'er  Eben  got  de  butcher 
[  202  ] 


KISSING 

pinned  down  on  de  flo'  so  dat  he  could  'splain 
matters  to  Mm,  but  Br'er  Eben  was  dat  riled 
dat  when  lie  went  home  he  gives  Sis  Araminty 
a  black  eye,  an'  tole  her  dat  from  dat  day  on, 
dat  ef  she  ever  dast  to  say  kiss  to  him  he'd 
raise  de  roof  off'n  de  house." 

"  Hit's  a  mighty  funny  thing  to  me,"  says 
Sis  Hannah  Jane,  "  how  little  interest  a  man 
takes  a-kissin'  his  own  wife.  Befo'  you  is 
married  to  a  man  he  is  ready  to  risk  his  neck 
climbin'  up  fo'  stories  to  yo'  window  to  steal 
a  kiss,  but  after  you  is  married  to  him  you  has 
to  bind,  an'  hobble  him,  an'  hold  him,  befo'  he 
lets  you  give  him  one." 

"  Dat's  so,"  'spons  I,  "  an7  I  reckon  dat 
'bout  de  mos'  insultin'  thing  on  dis  earth  is 
one  of  dese  heah  hit-or-miss  husband-kisses 
dat  is  as  liable  to  land  on  de  back  of  yo'  haid, 
or  de  p'int  of  yo'  jaw  as  on  yo'  mouth,  an'  dat 
is  got  des  'bout  as  much  warmth  an'  flavor  to 
hit  as  a  cold  griddle-cake.  I  tell  you,  Sis 
Hannah  Jane,  dat  ef  I  warn't  a  long-sufferin', 
patient,  Christian  woman  I'd  fling  de  coffee 
pot  at  my  husband's  haid  ev'ytime  he  hands 
me  out  one  of  dem  pecks  on  de  cheek  dat  seems 
to  say,  <  Thank  Gawd,  I  done  my  duty  by  my 
[  203  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHORTS 

wife,  an'  I've  got  hit  over  wid,  an7 1  don't  have 
to  kiss  her  no  mo'  ontil  to-morrow  mawnin' ! ' " 

"Yas,  Lawd,"  says  Sis  Hannah  Jane, 
"when  Si  was  a-courtin'  me  his  kisses 
sounded  lak  cold  molasses  runnin'  out  of  de 
bung  of  de  barrel,  dey  were  dat  long  drawn 
out  an'  sweet,  but  now  when  he  kisses  me  hit's 
lak  one  of  dese  heah  movin'-picture  shows. 
Now  you  see  hit,  an'  now  you  don't." 

"  Well,  Sis  Hannah  Jane,"  'spons  I,  «  hit's 
all  in  a  lifetime !  Kissin'  is  for  de  young.  Hit 
don't  belong  to  de  day  when  we  is  got  fat,  an' 
eats  onions,  an'  has  store  teeth ;  an'  de  woman 
whut  is  got  gumption  quits  kissin'  her  hus- 
ban'  befo'  he  gits  tired  of  kissin'  her,  an'  hit 
leaves  him  a  sort  of  wishin'  dat  she  would, 
instid  of  bein'  sorry  dat  he  has  to." 

"Huh!"  'spons  Sister  Hannah  Jane,  "all 
I  got  to  say  is  dat  ef  a  wife  kin  beat  her  hus- 
ban'  to  de  p'int  where  he  puts  de  kiss  on  de 
shelf  she's  got  to  be  a  sooner." 

"  As  for  me,"  says  I,  "  I  ain't  got  much  faith 
in  kissin'  anyway.  I's  done  took  notice  dat 
when  a  woman  is  gwine  to  stick  a  hatpin  in 
me,  an'  say  somethin'  to  me  dat'll  make  me 
want  to  take  a  bed-slat  to  her,  dat  she  always 
[  204  ] 


KISSING 

begins  to  preamble  by  callin7  me  '  dearie/  an' 
givin7  me  a  kiss.  Yassum,  Sis  Hannah  Jane, 
you  keep  yo7  eye  peeled  for  dem  ladies  whut  is 
kissers,  for  dey  is  snakes  in  de  grass,  dat 
fust  licks  you  all  over,  an7  den  swallows 
you. 

"An  furdermo7,  Sis  Hannah  Jane,  hit's  done 
been  proned  into  me  dat  dese  heah  kissin'  hus 
bands  will  bear  watching  for  hit  ain't  nat- 
cheral  for  a  married  man  to  be  a-carryin'  on 
dat  way  over  his  wife  onless  he's  a-tryin'  to 
distract  her  attention  from  somethin7  he  don't 
want  her  to  find  out.  Yassum,  Sis  Hannah 
Jane,  I's  done  learnt  from  'sperience  dat  when 
Ike  comes  home  of  a  evenin'  an'  puts  his  arm 
'roun'  me,  an'  gives  me  a  smack  on  de  mouth 
dat  you  kin  hear  'roun'  de  block,  dat  I  dest  as 
well  git  up  an'  hunt  up  de  money  dat  I  done 
hid  in  de  teapot  to  buy  me  a  bead  chain  wid, 
for  he's  a-fixin'  to  borry  hit.  Or  else  he's  been 
a-segasuatin'  'roun'  wid  dat  hussy,  Sally  Sue 
Jones,  an7  he's  afeared  I711  hear  of  it,  or  he7s 
a-plannin7  to  make  a  sneak  for  de  lodge. 

"  For  Ike,  he7s  des  lak  de  balance  of  de  hus 
bands  ;  he  done  found  out  dat  ef  a  man  wants 
to  shut  a  woman's  eyes  de  easiest  way  is  to 
[  205  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

kiss  'em  shut ;  an'  dat  ef  you  wants  to  close  a 
woman's  mouth  de  quickest  way  is  to  kiss  hit 
close. 

"  An'  de  men  ain't  de  only  ones  dat  knows 
how  to  play  de  kissin'  game.  Whenever  I  see 
one  of  dese  little  sick-kitten  women,  whut's 
always  hangin'  'roun'  her  husband's  neck,  an' 
has  to  foller  him  three  blocks  down  the  street 
of  a  mawnin'  when  he  starts  to  wuk,  befo'  she 
kin  make  up  her  mind  to  part  wid  him  for  de 
day,  I's  willin'  to  bet  dat  he's  got  holes  in  his 
socks,  an'  dat  he  has  to  git  up  an'  cook  his 
own  breakfast  while  she  lays  in  de  bed  an' 
tells  him  how  she  loves  him.  Hit's  funny, 
ain't  hit,  dat  as  long  as  married  folks  is  doin' 
deir  duty,  an'  ain't  got  deir  eye  on  nobody 
else,  dat  dey  don't  feel  no  call  to  always  be 
kissin'  an'  swearin'  dat  dey  loves  each  odder. 
Dat's  whut  makes  me  suspicious  of  dese  free 
hand  kissers. 

"  Nawm,  I  ain't  got  nothin'  to  say  against 
kissin' ;  but  a  kiss  ought  to  be  lak  de  flavorin' 
in  a  cake.  Hit  ought  to  be  used  wid  a  sparin' 
han',  an'  have  plenty  of  ginger  in  hit." 

"  I  disremembers,"  goes  on  Sis  Hannah 
Jane,  a-gwine  back  in  her  mind  to  de  story  in 
[  206  ] 


KISSING 

de  paper,  "of  ever  hearin'  of  any  wife  gwine 
to  de  co't  an'  axin'  de  jedge  to  make  her  hus- 
ban'  stop  kissin'  her." 

"  Dere  ain't  no  woman  dat  needs  to ! "  I 
'spons. 


[  207  ] 


DIVORCE 

"  Sis  MIRANDY,"  says  Sis  Peruna  to  me  de 
odder  day,  "  how  does  you  stand  on  dis  heah 
divorsch  question?  " 

"Well,  Sis  Peruna,"  I  'spons,  "I  don't 
stand  on  hit  at  all.  Fs  a-settin'  a  straddle  of 
de  fence  on  de  divorsch  question,  ready  to 
jump  accordin'  to  de  way  dat  Ike  treats  me. 
When  he  comes  home  of  a  Saturday  night  an' 
fetches  me  his  pay-envelope  widout  openin' 
hit,  an'  kisses  me,  an'  tells  me  dat  I's  de  yal- 
low  rose  of  Texas,  an'  dat  all  I's  got  to  do  to 
make  a  po'k-chop  taste  like  fried  angel  is  jest 
to  pass  my  hand  over  de  skillet,  why,  den  I's 
agin  divorsch,  root  an'  branch,  an'  ready  to 
hike  out  for  South  Ca'liny  whar  dey  ties  de 
knot  in  a  hangman's  knot  dat  you  can't  slip 
whilst  dere's  any  breath  left  in  yo*  body. 

"But  when  Ike  comes  home  mean  an' 
[  208  ] 


D        I        V        O        B        C        E 

grouchy,  an'  full  of  cussedness,  an'  when  he 
kicks  de  cat  an'  slaps  de  baby  an'  grumbles 
over  his  dinner,  why,  den  I  begins  to  think 
kinder  longingly  of  Keno,  an'  wonders  whut's 
the  price  of  a  ticket  to  dat  land  of  freedom 
whut  is  flowin'  wid  milk  an'  honey  an'  ali 
mony. 

"No,  Sis  Peruna,"  I  goes  on,  "I  ain't 
a-sayin'  I's  fur  divorsch,  an'  I  ain't  a-sayin'  I's 
agin  hit,  but  I  will  say  dat  dere's  times  an' 
seasons,  when  de  yoke  of  matermony  gits  to 
gallin'  my  neck,  when  I  laks  to  sorter  toy  wid 
de  thought  dat  I  could  slip  hit  ef  so  be  hit  got 
a  little  heavier. 

"  I  ain't  a-sayin'  I's  ever  really  wanted  to 
jump  over  de  bars,  but  hit  jes'  sorter  rests  my 
eyes  to  look  over  de  fence  at  dat  green  pasture 
whar  de  divorschees  is  kicking  up  deir  heels 
an'  runnin'  free  widout  no  halter  on  'em.  Fur- 
dermo',  Sis  Peruna,"  says  I,  "  I  specs  dat  dere 
ain't  no  married  pusson,  male  nor  female,  no 
matter  how  good  a  husban'  or  wife  dey  is  got, 
dat  wouldn't  say  *  amen '  to  dat  sentiment  ef 
dey  tole  de  truth.  For  dere's  occasions,  Sis 
Peruna,  when  de  partner  of  yo'  bosom  sut- 
tenly  does  git  on  yo'  nerves,  an'  when  you'd 
[  209  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

rather  have  a  real  nice  bindin'  divorscli  dan  a 
diamond  necklace." 

"  Sis  Mirandy,  you  suttenly  does  scandalize 
me,"  exclaims  Sis  Peruna.  "As  for  me,  I's 
ag'inst  divorsch,  an'  I  believe  dat  when  folks 
gits  married,  dey  takes  each  odder  for  better 
or  wusser,  so  long  as  life  lasts." 

"  Well,  I  sholy  does  admire  a  sportin'  spirit 
myself,"  'spons  I,  "  an'  when  I  looks  aroun' 
an'  sees  de  folks  dat  ain't  got  nothin'  but  de 
wusser  in  deir  marriages,  an'  yit  who  ain't 
welchin'  on  der  bargains,  hit  looks  lak  to  me 
dat  dey  ought  not  to  be  handin'  out  dem  hero 
medals  to  de  soldiers  dat  ain't  done  nothin' 
but  fight  in  de  trenches.  Dey  orter  go  to  dem 
husbands  an'  wives  whut's  done  stood  stedfast 
to  deir  post  in  de  holy  estate.  Yassum,  dem 
martyrs  whut's  fried  on  de  cook-stove  deserves 
des  as  much  credit  as  dem  whut's  burnt  at  de 
stake,  an'  dem  men  whut  don't  run  away  from 
a  wife  wid  a  rapid-fire  tongue  is  des  as  brave 
as  dem  whut  stands  up  in  front  of  a  machine- 
gun." 

"  Dem  whut  God  hath  joined,  let  no  man 
put  asunder,"  said  Sis  Peruna,  a-rollin'  up  her 
eyes  to  de  ceilin'. 

[  210  ] 


D        I        V        O        E        C        E 

"  Don't  you  worry  none  'bout  dat,"  'spons  I, 
"  dem  whut  Gawd  hath  joined,  dere  ain't  no 
danger  of  nobody  puttin'  asunder.  But  whut 
'bout  dem  whut  de  devil  has  jined  togedder? 
Whut  'bout  dem  fools  of  boys  dat  thinks  dat 
dey  is  filled  wid  undyin'  love  for  women  ole 
enough  to  be  deir  mothers  when  dey's  only 
filled  wid  bootlegger  whisky,  an'  marries  'em? 
Whut  'bout  dem  po'  little  id  jits  of  girls  dat 
picks  out  a  husban'  befo'  dey's  got  sense  an' 
jedgment  enough  to  pick  out  a  caliker  frock 
by  demselves?  Whut  'bout  dem  weak  little 
sisters  whut  deir  mas  marries  off  to  ole  men 
becaze  de  men  has  got  money  in  de  bank?  I 
lay  dat  ef  dem  kind  of  matches  is  made  in 
heaven,  dat  dem  parties  ain't  got  many  friends 
dere." 

"  Why,  Sis  Mirandy,  you  ain't  fur  divorsch, 
is  you?  "  axes  Sis  Peruna. 

"  Nawm,"  I  'spons,  "  I  ain't  a-rootin'  for 
divorsch.  Nuther  is  I  teeto tally  aginst  hit. 
As  I  said,  I'm  on  de  fence  on  dat  question, 
ready  to  jump  whichever  way  de  cat  goes. 
Cou'se  divorsch  is  a  mighty  bad  thing,  but  so 
is  a  scrappin'  marriage.  Hit's  a  evil  day  for 
a  woman  to  forsake  de  man  dat  she  has  sworn 
[  211  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

to  love  an'  honor,  but  hit  ain't  no  millennium 
for  de  woman  whut's  married  to  a  brute  dat 
comes  home  an7  beats  her,  an'  drags  her  down 
to  de  gutter. 

"  Hit's  wrong  for  a  man  to  leave  de  woman 
dat  he  has  done  promised  to  cherish  an'  pro 
tect,  but  hit's  des  as  wrong  for  a  woman  to 
nag  an'  scold  a  man,  an'  lambast  him  wid  one 
of  dese  heah  red-headed  tempers  ontel  he 
thinks  dat  he's  done  struck  purgatory  befo' 
his  time.  Hit  sholy  is  hard  on  de  po'  little 
chillun  dat  has  deir  home  broke  up  by  di- 
vorsch,  an'  deir  ma  go  one  way,  and  deir  pa  go 
anodder,  but  whedder  hit  is  better  for  a  chile 
to  be  a  half  orphan  in  peace,  dan  to  have  both 
parents  togedder  nghtin'  an'  flingin'  things  at 
each  odder's  haids,  hit'll  take  a  Philadelphy 
lawyer  to  settle.  I  don't  know. 

"  But  hit  does  look  lak  to  me  dat  when  a 
husban'  an'  wife  gits  to  de  pint  whar  dey 
brings  out  all  de  meanness  in  each  odder  lak  a 
hot  poultice  brings  out  de  measles,  an'  when 
dey  hates  each  odder  so  dat  dey's  a-lookin' 
forward  to  each  odder's  death  lak  hit  was  a 
kinder  fou'th  of  July  dat  would  bust  deir 
bonds  an'  set  ?em  free,  why,  in  my  opinion,  a 
[  212  ] 


DIVORCE 

divorsch  decree  is  a  lot  more  sacreder  dan 
deir  weddin'-certificate. 

"  But  dere's  one  thing  I  does  think,  Sis  Pe- 
runa,  'bout  dis  divorsch  business,  an'  dat  is 
dat  we  ought  to  have  some  kind  of  a  settled 
fashion  in  divorsches  dat  dey  ought  to  be 
a-wearin'  from  one  end  of  de  country  to  de  od 
der,  jes'  lak  dey  does  de  same  sorter  white 
shoes,  an'  high- water  skirts,  an7  college  clothes. 
Deir  ought  not  to  be  one  way  of  gittin'  ontied 
from  yo'  life  partner  dat's  all  de  style  out  in 
Dakota,  an'  anodder  way  dat's  de  latest  wrin 
kle  in  New  York,  whilst  any  mussy  kind  of  a 
second-hand,  made-over  one  is  good  enough  for 
Chicago  an'  Kansas  City. 

"  Hit  sholy  must  be  kind  of  a  wear  an'  tear 
on  yo'  feelings  to  have  yo'  joggraphy  an'  yo' 
divorsch  all  mixed  up,  an'  to  be  married  to  a 
man  in  one  place  an'  drawin'  alimony  from 
him  in  anodder,  an'  not  to  dast  take  yo'  latest 
legal  husban'  over  de  state-line  for  fear  you'll 
be  'rested  for  bigamy.  ISTawm,  I  don't  want 
none  of  dem  pink  tradin'-stamp  divorsches  dat 
ain't  good  anywhere  but  at  de  counter  whar 
you  got  'em.  Ef  ever  I  pays  a  lawyer  to  bust 
de  holy  bonds  of  matermony  for  me,  I  wants 
[  213  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

'em  smashed  into  smithereens,  an'  a  divorsch 
dat  will  keep  in  any  climate." 

"  Sis  Mirandy,"  axes  Sis  Peruna,  "  do  you 
think  dey '11  ever  stop  divorsch?  " 

"  Sis  Peruna,"  says  I,  "  ef  you'll  take  notice, 
you'll  see  dat  nearly  all  of  dem  whut  is  strong 
for  de  suppression  of  de  divorsch  evil  is  either 
folks  dat  is  too  ole  to  take  any  pussonal  inter 
est  in  swappin'  partners,  or  else  dey  is  ole 
maids,  an'  ole  bachelors  whut  ain't  never  tried 
matermony.  So  fur  as  I  can  see,  de  anti-di- 
vorsch  sentiment  is  mighty  lukewarm,  an' 
dere  ain't  no  popular  clamor  to  strengthen  up 
de  laws  on  de  subject,  for  most  folks  is  either 
got  a  divorsch,  or  dey  thinks  dat  dey  might 
want  to  git  one  some  day,  an'  dey  don't  want 
to  shut  de  door  of  hope  in  deir  faces. 

"  But  whilst  dey  ain't  never  gwine  to  stop 
de  divorsch  evil,  I  could  tell  'em  how  to 
squelch  hit  ef  dey  would  ask  my  advice." 

"  How's  dat?  "  says  Sis  Peruna. 

"  Well,"  says  I,  "  in  de  fust  place  I'd  make 
hit  so  hard  to  git  married  dat  only  dem  dat 
could  prove  dat  dey  had  lovely  dispositions, 
an'  dat  dey  didn't  have  de  shoppin'  habit,  an' 
dat  dey  could  suppo't  a  fambly,  an'  knew  how 
[  214  1 


D        I        V        O        B        C        E 

to  cook,  an'  dat  dey  didn't  have  no  in-laws  to 
visit  'em,  an'  dat  dey  was  so  near-sighted  dat 
dey  couldn't  see  no  odder  man  nor  woman, 
'ceptin'  de  one  dat  was  right  under  deir  noses, 
could  git  a  license  to  tie  up  wid  anodder  pus- 
son.  An',  believe  me,  dat  knot  would  stay 
tied.  De  only  way  to  make  people  quit  gittin' 
divorsches  is  to  make  'em  quit  wantin'  'em. 
Yassum,  dat's  de  word  wid  de  bark  on  hit. 

"  Den  I'd  cut  out  de  alimony  for  de  women, 
an'  de  second  marriage  for  de  men,  an'  dat 
would  finish  up  de  business.  Ef  a  woman 
knowed  dat  she  would  have  to  go  out  an'  earn 
her  own  board  an'  clothes  as  soon  as  she  got 
her  divorsch,  she'd  stand  a  lot  of  back  talk 
from  a  man  dat  she  won't  put  up  wid  now,  be- 
caze  she  figures  out  dat  de  law  will  make  him 
suppo't  her  anyway. 

"An'  ef  men  knew  dat  dey  would  be  cut  off 
from  marryin'  when  dey  got  a  divorsch,  dey 
would  stay  married,  becaze  hit's  mighty  sel 
dom  dat  a  man  finds  out  dat  he  can't  stand  his 
ole  wife  ontel  he  gits  his  eye  on  a  younger  an' 
spryer  gal  dat's  'bout  half  as  big  aroun'  as  his 
wife  is. 

"Dat's  whut's  de  matter  wid  divorsch. 
[  215  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHORTS 

Hit's  got  all  de  prize  packages  comin'  wid  hit, 
an'  ef  you  take  dem  away,  you's  gwine  to  find 
a  lot  mo'  people  dat'll  put  up  wid  each  odder's 
little  aggrefrettinness,  an'  rub  along  wid  mo' 
or  less  peace  in  de  fambly  circle.  You  des 
listen  to  me,  for  I's  givin'  you  de  true  word." 


[216] 


MAKING  THE  BEST  OF  THINGS 

HONEY,  is  you  ever  done  had  a  whole  barrel 
of  apples  at  oncet  an'  de  same  time?  If  you 
is,  don't  you  remember  dat  out  of  dat  whole 
barrel  you  ain't  never  set  yo'  teeth  in  a  fuss- 
class  apple  because  you  was  always  a-pickin' 
dem  over  an'  eatin'  de  specked  apples  an'  de 
apples  what  was  gittin'  a  little  soft  an'  startin' 
to  rot? 

All  de  time  you  was  a-fixin'  yo'  mouth  for  a 
bait  of  good  apples  when  you  got  de  bad  ones 
et  up,  but  befo'  you  got  to  de  good  apples,  dey 
was  done  spiled,  too,  an'  so  you  never  got  done 
wadin'  through  de  garbage  to  de  feast. 

An'  dat's  why  dere's  mo'  good  eatin'  in  a 
ten-cent  bag  of  apples  dat  you  sets  down  and 
makes  de  best  of  whilst  dey's  fresh,  dan  dere 
[  217  ] 


MIKANDY        EXHORTS 

is  in  forty  dollars'  worth  of  apples  dat  you's 
got  on  yo'  mind  dat  you  has  got  to  take  keer 
of,  an'  dassent  enjoy. 

Wellum,  you  know  dat  sometimes  I  gits  to 
thinkin'  dat  life  is  des  lak  dat  barrel  of  apples 
dat  we  don't  never  git  no  good  out  of  becaze 
we  ain't  got  enough  sense  to  take  de  good 
things  hit  gives  us  while  dey  is  still  good. 
We  puts  off  en  joy  in'  de  things  we  might  enjoy, 
ontel  all  de  joy  is  done  gone  out  of  ?em. 

What  makes  me  say  dis  is  dat  I'se  just  been 
to  Sis  Susannah's,  an'  she  was  showin'  me  her 
fine  new  frock  dat  she  des  bought.  It  was 
suttenly  a  gran'  dress,  one  of  dem  styley  things 
dat  dey  calls  in  de  sto'  a  confectionery,  all 
made  of  dish  heah  Georgy  Arm  crepe,  wid 
beads  on  hit. 

"  My  Ian',  Sis  Susannah,"  says  I,  makin'  a 
great  'miration  over  hit,  "but  you  suttenly 
will  be  de  proud  woman  when  you  walks  down 
de  aisle  at  chu'ch,  nex'  Sunday,  an'  has  ev'y- 
body  rubber-in'  at  you!  I  bet  dere  won't  be 
nary  sister  dere  dat  won't  go  home  thinkin' 
dat  de  text  of  de  sermon  was,  <  Where  did  she 
git  hit?  An'  what  did  hit  cost?  An'  go  thou 
an'  do  lakwise.' " 

[  218  ] 


BEST         OF        THINGS 

"  Goodness  gracious,  Sis  Mirandy ! "  'spons 
Sis  Susannah,  an7  her  voice  fairly  trimbled 
wid  horror.  "  You  don't  think  dat  I'se  gwine 
to  be  foolish  enough  to  put  on  my  bran'-new 
frock  an'  wear  hit  right  out  to  meeting  does 
you?  Why,  I'se  a-savin'  dat  frock  for  some 
gran'  an7  scrumptious  occasion,  when  I  calki- 
lates  to  flaunt  myself  aroun'  in  hit  an'  take  de 
shine  off  of  ev'ybody  else. 

"No,  Sis  Mirandy,"  she  goes  on,  "I  ain't 
one  of  dem  wasteful,  flighty  fliberty-jibberts, 
lak  Sis  Peruna,  what's  always  got  de  ve'y  best 
she  is  got  on  her  back  an'  nothin'  hangin'  up 
in  her  closets.  I  always  makes  hit  a  rule,  for 
I  is  a  forehanded  woman,  Sis  Mirandy,  to 
wear  out  my  ole  clothes  fust,  an'  I'se  got 
frocks  laid  by  dat  I  has  had  for  fo'  years,  dat 
I  ain't  never  had  on  my  back." 

"  But  why  don't  you  git  de  good  out  of  yo' 
fine  clothes  whilst  dey's  in  de  fashion,  instid 
of  waitin'  to  wear  'em  when  dey  looks  lak  back 
numbers?  "  I  axes  her. 

"  Becase  I  is  layin'  up  dat  pleasure  for  de 
future,"  she  says. 

"  Huh,  to-morrow  don't  never  come,"  'spons 
I,  "  an'  de  fust  news  you  knows,  you  is  gwine 
[  219  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHORTS 

to  die  in  yo'  old  clothes,  an'  Br'er  Eben's  sec 
ond  wife  is  gwine  to  be  segasuatin'  aroun'  in 
yo'  finery." 

Co'se  she  didn't  listen  to  me,  becase  when 
hit  comes  to  knowin'  how  to  manage,  ev'ry 
woman  thinks  dat  she  could  give  de  Almighty 
pints  'bout  how  to  run  de  worl'  widout  wastin' 
de  glimmer  of  a  single  star.  But  when  I 
looked  at  Sis  Susannah,  whut  always  'pears 
lak  she  is  jist  done  been  fished  out  of  de  rag 
bag,  an'  thought  about  all  of  her  fine  clothes 
dat  she  was  waitin'  to  wear  ontel  dey  was  rag- 
baggy  too,  hit  sorter  set  me  to  studyin'  about 
how  plumb  foolish  we  is  not  to  git  de  mos'  out 
of  things  whilst  we  can. 

An'  hit  was  proned  into  me  dat  all  dat  any 
of  us  is  got  is  jist  to-day  an'  de  things  dat  we 
is  got  in  our  hands,  an'  dat  if  we  would  make 
de  mos'  of  dem,  dat  maybe  we  wouldn't  have 
to  go  wanderin'  aroun'  seekin'  for  happiness 
an'  never  findin'  hit.  We  would  diskiver  hit 
in  our  own  homes.  An'  mo'  'specially  we 
wouldn't  put  off  bein'  happy  ontel  we  was  ole. 
We'd  be  happy  right  now. 

For  who  knows  what's  gwine  to  happen  to 
us  when  we  is  ole?  Maybe  we'se  gwine  to  be 
[  220  1 


BEST         OF        THINGS 

lak  Br'er  Mose,  who  suttenly  was  a  hearty  man 
wid  a  corn-beef-an'-cabbage  appetite  when  he 
was  a  young  buck,  an7  one  dat  liked  to  shake  a 
foot  in  de  dance.  Many  is  de  time  dat  I'se 
seed  de  hongry  tears  stand  in  Br'er  Mose's  eyes 
when  he  looked  at  de  fried  fish  in  a  eatin'- 
house  window,  but  instid  of  goin'  in  an'  blow- 
in7  hisself  for  a  good  feed,  Br'er  Mose  would 
button  up  his  pockets,  an'  stuff  cotton  in  his 
years  so  he  couldn't  hear  de  fiddle  scrapin'  for 
de  dance,  an'  go  home  an'  cook  hisself  some  of 
dat  serious  stuff  dat's  fillin'  an'  cheap,  an'  a 
insult  to  yo'  stomach. 

"  Time  enough  for  me  to  pomper  myself  wid 
fine  vittles  an'  fun  when  I'se  ole  an'  has  laid 
by  money  in  de  bank,"  he  would  say.  "  Den 
I  sholy  is  gwine  to  gorge  myself  on  chicken 
fixin's,  an'  roast  possum,  an'  punkin  pie,  an' 
sech  lak  dainties.  An'  I'se  gwine  to  all  de 
dances  far  an'  near,  wid  so  much  spondulicks 
in  my  pocket  dat  I'll  rattle  lak  you  is  shakin' 
de  kitchen  shelf,  when  I  cuts  de  pigeon  wing, 
an'  all  de  gals  will  jest  be  honin'  to  dance  wid 
me." 

So  Br'er  Mose  starve  along  an'  starve  along, 
an'  he  git  rich  an'  ole  lak  he  say,  but  now  dat 
[  221  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

de  time  done  come  dat  lie  done  set  to  be  happy 
in,  hit's  too  late  for  him  to  enjoy  hit.  De  pic 
nic  scursion  of  life  is  done  gone  tootin'  down 
de  track  an'  passed  him  by.  He  got  de  money 
to  buy  all  de  good  food  he  wants,  but  he  ain't 
got  no  appetite  to  call  for  hit  an'  no  teeth  to 
eat  hit  wid,  an'  he's  got  de  dispepsy  in  his 
stomach,  an'  de  rheumatics  in  his  knees,  an' 
no  gal  to  dance  wid  him. 

Yassum,  we  is  got  to  grab  at  de  tail  feathers 
of  happiness  as  it  flies  by  us,  ef  we  ever 
ketches  hit  at  all.  We  ain't  never  gwine  to 
meet  up  wid  hit  an'  find  hit  waitin'  on  de  fence 
ready  to  come  an'  roost  in  our  hand.  I  knows 
dat  from  'sperience.  I'se  gittin'  to  be  a  ole 
woman,  an'  when  I  looks  back,  de  things  dat  I 
weeps  and  mourns  over  ain't  de  pleasures  I 
took,  but  dem  dat  I  missed  takin'. 

Cou'se  dere  ain't  nobody  in  dis  world  got 
all  dey  want,  nuther  is  things  des  exactly  lak 
dey  wants  dem,  but  ef  you'll  des  mak'  up  yo' 
mind  to  lak  de  things  dat  you  is  got,  you  will 
always  have  what  you  laks. 

An'  dat's  true  about  folks  jes'  as  well  as  hit 
is  about  things.  Dere  ain't  nobody  dat  comes 
up  to  all  de  specifications  dat  we  lays  down 
[  222  1 


BEST         OF        THINGS 

for  a  perfect  angel,  but  ef  we  would  des  turn 
our  eyes  on  deir  virtues  an'  be  blind  to  deir 
faults,  we'd  git  a  lot  mo'  pleasure  dan  we  does 
out  of  dem  folks  dat  de  good  Lawd  wisht  on 
us,  an7  dat  we  wishes  on  ourselves  in  mater- 
mony. 

Yassum,  dat's  de  way  hit  looks  to  me.  De 
real  secret  of  happiness  is  gittin'  de  most  fun 
out  of  people  an'  things  whilst  de  gittin'  is 
good,  for  I  done  noticed  dat  dem  what  is 
waitin'  to  enjoy  deir  good  times  in  de  future 
somehow  don't  never  seem  to  make  connection 
wid  dem. 

Dat's  why  I  always  picks  out  de  best  apple 
to  eat  fust.  Dat  way  I'se  always  eatin'  de 
best  apple  dere  is.  Maybe  dat  was  de  wisdom 
dat  Eve  found  out  when  she  bit  into  de  Apple 
of  Knowledge  in  de  gyarden  of  Eden. 


[  223  ] 


SILENCE 

I  CAN  always  tell  when  Sis  Tempy,  which,  is 
de  wife  of  our  preacher,  Br'er  Jinkins,  is  done 
been  given  Br'er  Jinkins  de  rough  side  of  her 
tongue,  becaze  on  dem  occasions  when  Br'er 
Jinkins  gits  up  in  de  pulpit  whar  Sis  Tempy 
dassen't  answer  him  back,  he  preaches  a  ser 
mon  on  de  faults  of  women  dat  makes  de  back 
hair  of  all  de  sisterns  in  de  congregation  stand 
on  end  wid  horror.  Yassum,  after  one  of  dem 
discourses  of  Br'er  Jinkins's  'bout  whut  po', 
miserable  worms  of  de  dust  de  female  sect  is, 
you  goes  home  dat  shamed  of  bein'  a  woman 
you  ain't  got  de  nerve  to  look  yo'self  in  de 
face. 

Yassum,  I  specs  Br'er  Jinkins  an'  Sis 
Tempy  is  had  a  awful  row — lakly  'bout  dat 
[  224  ] 


SILENCE 

long,  stringy  Gladys  Sue  Johnsing  whut  sings 
in  de  choir,  an'  whut  Br'er  Jinkins  sorter  casts 
sheep's  eyes  at,  an'  who  Sis  Tempy  can't  abide 
— she  bein'  short  an'  fat.  Anyway,  las'  Sun 
day  night  he  preached  'bout  dat  Tower  of 
Babel  in  de  Bible  whar  dey  talked  wid  forty 
million  tongues,  an'  he  say  dat  he  bet  dat  ev'y 
one  of  dem  Babelers  was  a  woman.  An'  den 
he  went  on  to  say  dat  most  of  de  trouble  in  de 
worl'  was  made  by  talkin',  an'  dat  mos'  of  de 
talkers  was  wromen,  an'  whut  a  grand,  sweet, 
lovely,  quiet,  peaceful  time  we  would  have  ef 
ev'ybody  in  hit  would  cultivate  de  virtue  of 
silence.  An'  whilst  he  was  a-promulgatin'  dis 
doctrine,  all  de  men  set  up  wid  deir  eyes  shut 
an'  a  sorter  halleluiah  look  on  deir  faces,  an? 
kept  a-shoutin' :  "  Bless  Gord  for  de  true  word 
you  has  given  us!  Amen!  De  Lord  send  de 
day  an'  send  hit  quick !  " 

But  de  women  set  up  dat  quiet  dat  you 
could  have  heard  a  pin  drap,  ef  so  be  any  one 
had  a-drapped  hit. 

Goin'  on  home,  Br'er  Jinkins,  he  walk  along 
wid  us,  an'  he  say,  "Well,  Sis  Mirandy,  I 
trusts  dat  you  found  de  sermon  dat  I  was  pro- 
mulgatin'  dis  mornin'  a  edifyin'  discourse." 
[  225  1 


MIBANDY        EXHORTS 

"Well,  Br'er  Jinkins,"  'spons  I,  "dem  dat 
de  cap  fits,  let  'em  wear  hit.  As  for  me,  I 
ain't  a-disputin'  de  wisdom  of  de  Lawd,  an' 
when  He  give  woman  a  tongue  dat  was  hung 
in  de  middle  an'  dat  wuked  at  both  ends,  I 
specs  dat  He  knowed  whut  He  was  'bout,  an' 
dat  He  intended  her  to  use  hit.  Dat  I  does. 
An'  I  ain't  never  let  my  talent  rust  in  my 
mouth." 

"  Dere's  many  a  man  been  drove  away  by 
his  wife's  talking  Sis  Mirandy,"  says  Br'er 
Jinkins,  wid  a  meanin'  look. 

"  An'  dere's  many  a  wife  been  drove  to 
throwin'  things  by  her  husband's  silence," 
'spons  I.  "As  for  me,"  I  goes  on,  "  I  don't 
take  no  stock  in  dese  heah  mummy  husbands 
dat  comes  home  of  a  night  an'  sets  up  des  as 
still  an'  quiet  as  a  corpse,  an'  dat  you  can't  git 
a  word  out  of  onless  you  draws  hit  out  wid  a 
corkscrew.  Naw,  sir,  my  idee  of  spendin'  a 
nice,  pleasant,  happy  evenin'  at  home  ain't 
settin'  up  opposite  a  man  dat  ain't  got  no  mo' 
conversation  in  him  dan  a  stuffed  bear,  yet  I 
knows  forty  women  dat  has  to  do  dat,  an'  dat 
ef  you'd  put  a  pillow  an'  a  pair  of  britches  in 
deir  husband's  cheer  in  place  of  deir  hus- 
[  226  } 


SILENCE 

bands,  dey  never  would  find  out  no  difference. 
One  of  'em  would  be  just  as  chatty  an7  just  as 
pleasant  to  have  aroun'  de  house  as  de  odder. 

"An'  as  for  dem  husbands  whut  pulls  off 
one  of  dem  silent  grouches  when  anything 
goes  wrong  in  de  fambly,  give  me  a  man  dat 
swears,  an'  cusses,  an'  breaks  up  de  furniture 
when  he  gits  mad!  A  wife  can  deal  wid  a 
man  who  spits  hit  all  out,  an'  tells  her  whut 
she's  done  dat's  riled  him,  an'  she  can  fight 
back,  or  explain,  an'  de  row  is  soon  over  an' 
dey  kisses  an'  makes  up.  But  she  can't  do 
nothin'  wid  a  man  dat  des  glooms  aroun'  de 
house,  an'  dat  won't  tell  whut's  de  matter,  or 
do  nothin'  but  des  freeze  her  to  death  wid  one 
of  dem  silences  dat  says  mo'  hateful  things 
dan  dere's  enough  words  in  de  dictionary  to 
tell.  Yas,  sir,  of  all  de  mean  husbands  in  de 
worl',  de  meanest  is  dem  silent  grouchers. 

"  Dis  heah  thing  of  silence  is  one  of  dem 
things  dat  sounds  better  dan  dey  wuks  out, 
anyway,"  I  goes  on.  "  Who  likes  a  silent  pus- 
son?  I  don't  know  nobody  dat's  a-pinin'  for 
de  s'ciety  of  one  of  dem  individuals  dat  you 
has  to  wuk  lak  a  dray  horse  to  entertain. 
You  ax  'em  a  question  an'  dey  says  yes  or  no, 
[  227  ] 


MIRANDY        EXHORTS 

an'  den  you  ax  'em  anodder  an'  dey  says  yes  or 
no,  an'  you  ax  'em  anodder  an7  dey  says  yes  or 
no,  an7  by  dat  time  you's  got  to  feel  lak  you  is 
de  census  man,  inquirin'  into  deir  fambly  his 
tory,  which,  you  ain't  got  no  interest  in  know- 
in',  an'  so  you  takes  yo'  foot  in  yo'  hand  an' 
leaves  'em. 

"  Naw,  sir,  you  don't  heah  'bout  nobody 
dat's  got  de  gift  of  silence  bein'  pressed  to 
come  to  dinner,  or  pay  anybody  a  visit. 
'Cou'se,  maybe  dese  folks  think  dat  folks  will 
think  dey's  powerful  wise,  an'  dat's  de  reason 
dey  ain't  got  no  time  to  chatter,  but  dey  don't 
fool  nobody.  We  knows  dat  de  reason  dat 
folks  don't  talk  is  dat  dey's  so  stupid  dey  ain't 
got  nothin'  to  say.  Dey  ain't  full  of  surgin' 
thoughts.  Dey's  just  as  empty -haided  as  a 
gourd. 

"  Maybe  women  talks  too  much  'bout 
nothin',  but  my  Ian',  did  you  ever  go  to  a 
house  dat  had  one  of  dese  silent  women  in  hit 
— one  of  dem  women  whut  don't  peep  to  de 
canary  bird,  nor  goo-googly-goo  over  de  baby, 
an'  dat  could  go  to  fo'  sewin'-societies  an'  de 
missionary-meetin',  an'  come  home  widout  one 
single  piece  of  news  to  tell?  Talk  'bout  de 
[  228  ] 


SILENCE 

cemetery!  Hit  ain't  a  bit  lonesomer,  nor 
stiller,  nor  duller  dan  dat  sort  of  a  silent 
woman's  house.  Nobody  ever  laughs  in  dat 
woman's  house.  Nobody  ever  sets  roun'  de 
table  after  supper.  Dey  des  gobbles  an'  gits 
as  fast  as  dey  can.  Nobody  else  can't  talk 
whar  de  mistress  of  de  house  don't  talk,  an' 
you'll  always  find  dat  woman's  husban'  of  a 
evenin'  at  de  corner  grocery  a-lappin'  up  con 
versation  dat  he  was  a-thirstin'  for  an'  didn't 
git  at  home. 

"  Maybe  we  women  sometimes  say  cruel 
things  dat  stab  lak  a  knife,  but  dere  ain't 
nothin'  on  dis  earth  dat  can  wound  lak  silence. 
Yo'  enemy  can  say  dat  you  is  dat  mean  dat 
you  would  steal  de  pennies  off  a  dead  man's 
eyes.  Dat  hurts,  but  hit  don't  hurt  lak  de 
silence  of  yo'  friend  dat  stands  by  an'  don't 
raise  his  voice  in  yo'  defense. 

"  I's  a  woman  dat  loves  to  talk,  an'  I  sut- 
tenly  does  git  cold  feet  when  I  thinks  dat 
maybe  de  Recordin'  Angel  is  puttin'  down  all 
de  things  dat  I  has  said  in  idleness,  an'  in 
temper,  an?  in  nerves,  but,  you  believe  me,  de 
things  dat  I  repents  of  most  is  not  whut  I  has 
said,  but  de  things  dat  I  ain't  said,  an'  dat  I 
[  229  ] 


MIRANDY        EXHORTS 

might  have  said,  dat  would  have  softened  de 
hard  way  of  life  for  de  folks  I  is  met  up  wid. 
"  One  time  my  ole  man  Ike,  he  got  mighty 
sick  an'  he  go  down  to  de  very  aidge  of  de 
stream  whar  I  could  heah  de  black  waters  of 
death  lappin'  up  'bout  him.  An'  I  set  by  his 
bed  a-holdin'  his  hand,  dat  was  limp  an'  cold 
in  mine,  an'  my  mind  got  to  runnin'  on  all  de 
long  yeahs  dat  we  had  been  married.  An'  I 
thought  of  de  times  when  I  s'picioned  dat  he 
was  segasuatin'  roun'  wid  dat  Ma'y  Jane 
Jones,  an'  of  de  times  when  he  sneaked  off  to 
de  lodge  of  a  evenin',  an'  of  how  I  had  lam 
basted  him  for  hit,  an'  I  sholy  did  repent  all 
de  things  dat  I  had  said  to  him  on  dem  occa 
sions.  But  de  thing  dat  I  went  down  on  my 
knees  an'  axed  his  forgiveness  for  was  de  fact 
dat  I  had  kept  silent  'bout  how  much  I  loved 
him,  an'  'bout  how  grand  an?  noble  I  thought 
he  was,  an'  dat  in  my  eyes  dem  heroes  dat  dey 
pin  medals  on  ain't  got  nothin'  on  de  man 
whut  spends  his  days  toilin'  for  de  support  of 
his  wife  an'  chillun,  an'  dat  don't  git  nothin' 
out  of  all  of  his  labor,  but  des  his  board  an'  his 
clothes — an'  dey  de  homeliest  in  de  house 
hold." 

[  230  1 


SILENCE 

"  Speech  is  silver,  silence  is  gold,  Sis  Mi- 
randy,"  says  Br'er  Jinkins  to  me. 

"  Don't  you  belieb  hit,"  'spons  I ;  "  silence 
is  lead,  an'  hit  crushes  de  life  an'  de  joy  out  of 
all  of  dem  dat  hit  falls  on." 


[  231  ] 


THE  STUDY  OF  MANKIND 

"  Sis  MIBANDY/'  says  Sis  Luellen  to  me  de 
odder  day,  "  is  you  heard  'bout  dat  new  club 
dat  some  of  dem  high-browed  ladies,  whut  you 
reads  'bout  in  de  papers,  is  done  organized  for 
de  study  of  mankind?  " 

"  De  which?  "  I  axes. 

"  A  club  for  de  study  of  mankind,"  'splains 
Sis  Luellen.  "  De  paper  says  dat  dey  thinks 
dat  de  reason  dat  women  has  so  little  luck  in 
ketchin'  husbands  in  dese  days,  an'  so  much 
trouble  in  keepin'  'em  after  dey  does  ketch 
'em,  is  becaze  women  ain't  never  done  made  a 
scientific  study  of  mankind.  So  dey's  gwine 
to  delve  into  de  mighty  masculine  intellek,  an' 
try  to  fathom  de  mysteries  of  de  masculine 

mind." 

[  232  ] 


THE    STUDY    OF    MANKIKD 

"  Well,"  'sclaims  I,  "  I  wish  'em  joy  of  deir 
job,  but  dey  sholy  is  got  deir  wuk  cut  out  for 
'em,  for  de  ain'tness  of  de  why  ain't  nowhar 
to  de  wharfo'ness  of  de  when,  wid  a  man. 
Dere  ain't  no  odder  nation  of  people  dat  has 
got  as  many  curis  peculiarities  as  men.  Now, 
a  woman,  you  always  know  whut  she's  gwine 
to  do,  an'  which-a-way  de  cat  is  gwine  to  jump 
wid  her,  but  nobody  can  prognosticate  a  man 
an'  tell  when  he's  gwine  to  quit  cuttin'  up  an7 
take  to  carryin'  on." 

"  Dish  heah  idee  of  studyin'  man  ain't  no 
new  thing,"  say  Sis  Luellen  wid  a  discontenip- 
tuous  snort.  "  We  women  has  been  doin'  dat 
ever  sence  de  days  of  de  Gyarden  of  Eden,  for 
our  livin'  depended  on  hit,  an'  whedder  we  got 
chicken  fixin's  an'  flower  bonnets,  or  took  in 
washin'  to  buy  our  own  po'k  chops  an'  caliker 
wrappers  turned  on  whedder  we  guessed  de 
right  answer  to  de  conundrum  or  not. 

"  But  yit  we  don't  know  de  fust  principles 
'bout  how  de  mind  of  a  man  wuks  hits  won 
ders  to  perform.  We  don't  even  know  how  to 
ketch  'em,  for  dey  talks  one  way,  an'  acts  an- 
odder." 

"Amen!  Dat's  so,"  'spons  I.  "Des  listen 
[  233  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOBTS 

to  a  man  talk  'bout  the  scandalous  way  dat 
women  dresses  in  dese  heah  see-more  clothes 
dat  dey's  flauntin'  deyself s  'roun'  in.  To  hear 
him  expostulate  you  suttenly  would  think  dat 
de  way  to  please  him  would  be  for  a  gal  to  be 
dressed  in  nice,  warm,  sensible  clothes  dat 
come  up  to  her  neck,  an7  down  to  her  heels,  an' 
for  her  to  put  her  faith  in  red  flannel  under 
wear,  instid  of  pink  an'  blue  ribbon  lon- 
gery. 

"  But  after  a  man  has  done  winded  hisself 
lambastin'  de  fool  way  women  dresses,  when 
he  goes  out  anywhere  he  picks  out  de  fluffiest 
bunch  of  dry  goods  to  take  along  wid  him  dat 
he  can  find.  Yassum,  a  man  wouldn't  be 
caught  daid  walkin'  up  de  street  wid  a  woman 
dat  was  dressed  accordin'  to  his  ideal  of  de 
way  a  woman  should  dress. 

"An7  men  is  always  promulgatin'  'bout  dese 
nice  domestic  gals  dat  stays  at  home,  an' 
cooks,  an'  sews,  an'  washes,  an'  irons,  an'  dey 
says  dat  dey  is  de  kind  of  women  to  pick  out 
for  wives.  But  dey  never  picks  'em.  Hit's 
de  gal  dat's  a-hangin'  over  de  front  fence  while 
her  ma  wrastles  wid  de  cook-stove,  an'  dat 
keeps  her  hands  in  a  nice,  soft,  squeezable  con- 
[  234] 


HE  PICKS  OUT  DE  FLUFFIEST  BUNCH  OF  DRY  GOODS 
HE  CAN  FIND" 


THE    STUDY    OF    MANKIND 

dition  instid  of  roughin'  'em  up  wid  de  scrub- 
bin'-brush,  dat  gits  de  man  dat  spiels  de 
loudes'  'bout  domesticity. 

"Nawm,  I  tells  my  daughter  never  to  be 
took  in  by  men's  talk  'bout  whut  a  woman 
should  be,  an'  whut  she  shouldn't  be,  for  men 
talk  'bout  women  jest  to  hear  deir  heads  rattle. 
Dey's  a-huntin'  for  de  shrinkin'  violet,  but  dey 
don't  never  find  it  unless  de  violet  is  got  sense 
enough  to  put  herself  in  deir  way  so  dey 
can't  help  fallin'  over  her  and  breakin'  deir 
necks. 

"  Dat's  de  reason  hit's  so  hard  to  catch  a 
husband.  You  don't  know  whedder  to  act 
bold  or  modest;  whedder  to  talk  foolish  or 
sensible;  whedder  to  dress  lak  you  was  de 
president  of  de  Dorcas  S'ciety,  or  lak  you's 
jest  'scaped  from  de  bug-house.  An'  de  man's 
conversation  on  de  subject  don't  give  you  no 
tip,  becaze  whilst  he's  strong  on  doctorin',  he's 
weak  on  performing  an'  you  never  can  tell 
which  turn  of  de  road  he's  gwine  to  take  when 
he  goes  a-cou'tin'. 

"  I'se  done  seed  smart  men  marry  gals  dat 
didn't  have  enough  sense  to  lead  a  blind  goose 
to  water,  an'  dey  was  puffectly  happy.  An' 
[  235  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

I'se  done  seed  men  marry  women  whut  was 
dat  triflin'  an'  no  account  dat  dey  wouldn't 
make  up  deir  own  beds,  an'  deir  husbands  had 
to  come  home  at  night  an7  cook  de  supper 
after  doin'  deir  day's  wuk,  an'  yet  deir  hus 
bands  went  'bout  as  ca'm  an'  saterfied  as  ef 
dey  done  drawed  a  glory  ticket  when  dey  got 
married.  An'  I  done  seed  odder  men  dat  was 
married  to  women  whut  wuked  deir  fingers  to 
de  bone  for  'em,  and  whut  was  good,  an'  sweet, 
an'  patient,  an'  dese  men  would  come  home, 
an'  beat  up  deir  anjil  wives,  an'  leave  'em,  an' 
go  traipsin'  off  after  gay  young  gals." 

"  Dat's  right,"  'spons  Sis  Luellen,  "  an'  the 
mo'  you  live  wid  a  man,  de  less  you  knows 
'bout  him.  Me  an'  Si,  we's  been  married 
gwine  on  thuty  yeahs,  an'  I's  been  a-studyin' 
him  all  dat  time,  an'  to  dis  day  I  ain't  found 
out  why,  when  I  has  po'k  chops  for  supper,  he 
always  axes  me  why  I  didn't  have  a  pot  roast, 
nor  why,  when  I  have  a  pot  roast,  he  wants  to 
know  why  I  didn't  have  po'k  chops.  I  hopes 
dat  dem  ladies  whut's  gwine  to  investigate  de 
wukings  of  de  masculine  mind  will  tell  de  rest 
of  we-all  women  why  a  man's  mind  wuks  in 
dat  particler  way,  for  I  sho'  is  curis  to  know. 
[  236  ] 


THE    STUDY    OF    MANKIND 

"  Den  Si,  lie  knows  dat  I's  one  of  dese  heah 
women  dat  would  like  to  be  soft  soaped,  an' 
told  dat  she  suttenly  was  de  yallow  rose  of 
Texas,  an'  dat  de  fatter  she  got  de  better  she 
looked,  an'  dat  she  sholy  did  have  a  master- 
hand  at  cooking  an'  dat  de  way  she  squeezed  a 
nickel  to  git  de  most  out  of  hit  made  de  buffalo 
on  hit  hump  hisself.  Yassum,  Si  knows  dat 
ef  he'd  des  hand  me  a  little  taffy  lak  dat,  dat 
hit  would  tickle  me  nearly  to  death,  an'  I'd  go 
'roun'  singin'  lak  a  funnygraph. 

"An'  deep  down  in  his  heart,  I  believe  dat  Si 
thinks  all  dem  things  'bout  me  dat  I  would 
give  ten  yeahs  of  my  life  to  hear,  but  does  he 
ever  say  'em?  Nawm.  Corkscrews  couldn't 
draw  a  compliment  for  me  out  of  him.  He 
could  make  me  happy  by  des  sayin'  a  few 
words,  but  he  won't  do  hit.  I  hope  dat's  an- 
odder  thing  dat  dem  explorers  of  de  masculine 
mind  will  find  out. 

"An'  Si,  he's  a  able-bodied  man  whut  can  do 
a  day's  wuk  widout  turnin'  a  hair,  but  when 
hit  comes  to  takin'  care  of  de  baby  for  a  Sun 
day  evenin'  when  I  goes  to  visit  my  ma,  he's 
des  dat  frazzled  out  dat  he  has  to  go  to  bed  to 
rest  up.  Yet  he's  always  a-tellin'  me  how 
[  237  ] 


MIEANDT        EXHOETS 

thankful  I  ought  to  be  dat  I  don't  have  to  wuk 
hard  lak  he  does,  an'  don't  have  nothin'  to  do 
but  des  to  stay  at  home  an'  take  care  of  de 
chillun,  an'  do  de  cookin',  an'  de  washing  an' 
de  ironin',  an'  de  scrubbing  an'  de  sewin',  an' 
de  patchin'.  I  gits  up  an  hour  earlier  in  de 
mawnin7  dan  he  does,  an'  wuks  fo'  hours  later 
at  night,  for  I  ain't  got  no  union  hours. 

"  But  Si  says  I  don'  know  whut  a  cinch  I'se 
got,  an'  dat  makes  me  trust  dat  dem  ladies 
whut's  gwine  to  git  at  de  true  inwardness  of  a 
man's  mind  will  find  out  how  he  figgers  hit 
out  dat  hit's  des  play  for  a  woman  to  wuk 
eighteen  hours  a  day,  an'  dat  she  orter  be 
down  on  her  knees  thankin'  her  husband  for 
givin'  her  dat  sort  of  a  job,  instid  of  pesterin' 
him  to  buy  her  a  new  hat,  an'  thinkin'  dat 
maybe  he  might  be  real  kind  an'  give  her  a 
quarter  to  spen'  on  herself. 

"  Yassum,"  goes  on  Sis  Luellen,  "  dem 
ladies  whut's  gwine  to  explore  de  undiskivered 
country  of  de  masculine  mind  sho  is  got  a  big 
job  befo'  ?em." 

•"Well,"  says  I,  "dere's  one  thing  dat  al 
ways  makes  me  believe  dat  men  is  got  mo' 
sense  dan  we  women  has." 
[  238  ] 


THE    STUDY    OF    MANKIND 

"  Whut's  dat?  "  axes  Sis  Luellen. 

"  De  way  dey's  kept  us  fooled  for  all  dese 
yeahs  'bout  bein'  so  much  smarter  dan  we  is," 
'spons  I. 


[  239  ] 


THE  MOTHERS'  UNION 

"  Sis  MIRAUDY,  ma'am/7  says  Sis  Petunia  to 
me  de  odder  day  as  she  sunk  down  into  a  rock- 
in'-cheer  an7  panted  a  few  pants,  bein7  as  how 
she  is  a  hefty  lady  wid  a  sca7city  of  breath, 
"  Sis  Mirandy,77  she  says,  "  I  des  took  my  foot 
in  my  hand,  dis  mawnin7,  an7  stepped  around 
to  yo7  house  to  ax  you  if  you  would  unite  wid 
us  in  de  Mothers'  Union  dat  we  is  organizing 
an7  give  us  de  right  hand  of  fellowship." 

"  I  ain7t  much  of  a  jiner,"  7spons  I,  sort  of 
cautious  lak,  7case  befo7  dis  I  done  been  roped 
into  bein7  one  of  de  charter  members  of  a 
"  Sassiety  to  Permote  de  Sperrit  of  Lovin7 
Kindness,77  which  busted  up  in  a  row  an7  a 
hair-pullin7  match  owin7  to  de  president  havin7 
tuck  all  de  money  in  de  treasury  to  buy  herse7f 
[  240  ] 


THE       MOTHEKS'       UNION 

a  new  set  o'  chainey  teeth,  an'  dat  done  made 
me  sorter  s'picious  of  clubs.  Hit  shorely  has. 

"  I  knows  you  ain't  one  of  dem  women  what 
has  got  so  many  sassiety  badges  on  dey  don't 
have  to  wear  no  odder  clothes,  sca'cely,"  says 
Sis  Petunia,  "  but  de  Mothers'  Union,  dat's 
different  Hit  fills  a  long-felt  want,  for  why- 
for  should  all  de  odder  laborers  in  de  world 
have  deir  unions  an'  de  hardest-worked  trade 
in  de  world  have  none? 

"  Hit  wa'n't  ontil  de  cyarpenters  an'  de 
plumbers  an'  de  bricklayers  an'  all  de  balance 
of  'em  jined  de  union  dat  dey  got  a  eight-hour 
day  an'  mo'  pay,  an'  maybe  when  we  mothers 
git  up  a  Mothers'  Union  we  won't  have  to  wuk 
eighteen  hours  a  day  for  our  vittles  an'  clothes 
— an'  dem  de  wust  in  de  fambly.  For  ain't  hit 
de  mother  dat  wears  de  made-over  frocks  an' 
eats  w^hat  is  left  in  de  dish  after  she  done 
helped  de  chillun?  " 

"  Hit's  a  gran'  plan,  Sis  Petunia,"  'spons  I, 
"  but  de  only  trouble  wid  hit  is  dat  hit  won't 
wuk,  an'  hit  won't  wuk  becase  ev'y  mother  is  a 
scab.  You  think  any  woman  is  gwine  to  walk 
out  on  a  strike  an'  leave  her  own  chillun  to 
shift  for  deyselves  becase  some  odder  woman's 
t  241  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

ehillun  is  overwukin'  an'  under-payin'  deir 
ma?  Dat  dey  ain't! 

"  You  think  any  woman  is  gwine  to  stop 
walkin'  her  baby  wid  de  colic  becase  de  clock 
done  strike  an'  her  eight-hour  day  is  over? 
No,  ma'am !  She's  gwine  to  start  on  anudder 
lap  around  de  room  wid  dat  squallin'  brat 
over  her  shoulder,  an'  she  ain't  gwine  to 
charge  overtime  for  hit,  nuther. 

"  You  think  any  woman  is  gwine  to  stop  in 
de  midst  of  gettin'  supper  for  her  hungry  fam- 
bly  jist  becase  her  time's  up?  You  know  she 
ain't,  becase  de  only  clock  dat  a  mother  ever 
hears  tick  is  des  de  beatin'  of  her  own  heart, 
an'  she  don't  count  de  time  nor  de  wuk  dat  she 
does  for  her  ehillun.  An'  she  don't  spec  no 
pay.  An'  she  is  des  built  dat  way,  an'  nobody 
but  Gawd  Almighty  can  change  her  plans  an' 
specifications. 

"  But  I  ain't  got  nothin'  to  say  ag'inst  de 
Mothers'  Union.  Hit's  a  gran'  idee,  an'  I 
wisht  dat  we  could  git  all  de  mothers  to  stand 
togedder,  for  ef  dey  did,  maybe  we  would  have 
enough  backbone,  de  lot  of  us,  to  fight  our 
ehillun  a  little  and  make  'em  do  what  we 
knows  dey  ought  to  do,  instid  of  lettin'  'em  do 
[  242  ] 


THE       MOTHERS'       UNION 

lak  dey  pleases  becase  odder  people's  chillun 
is  doin'  dat  way. 

"  De  trouble  wid  a  mother's  influence  is  dat 
hit's  kind  of  weak  in  hits  action  an'  feeble  in 
hits  grip.  Hit  wuks  all  right  at  close  range, 
an'  whilst  you  has  got  yo'  chile  right  under  yo' 
eye  in  yo'  own  house,  but  des  as  soon  as  yo' 
chillun  gits  'way  from  home,  mother's  influ 
ence  begins  to  peter  out  and  lose  hits  effect  on 
deir  systems,  an'  dey  begins  to  do  de  things 
an'  think  de  things  dat  all  de  odder  chillun  is 
doin'  an'  thinkin'. 

"  Hit  don't  do  much  good  for  me  to  keep  my 
back  yard  clean,  Sis  Petunia,  if  de  woman 
next  door  is  runnin'  a  pig-sty,  an',  similar  lak, 
I  can't  make  much  headway  lambastin'  my 
chillun  into  de  straight  an'  narrow  path  if  my 
neighbor  is  lettin'  her  chillun  segasuate  down 
de  broad  road. 

"  For  chillun  is  copy-cats,  an'  what  one  does 
de  odder  is  boun'  to  do.  An'  mo'  dan  dat,  dey 
ain't  no  young  gal  or  boy  dat  don't  think  dat 
deir  ma  is  too  old  and  feeble-minded  to  know 
what's  de  proper  thing,  an'  dat  de  real  foun 
tain  of  wisdom  is  de  odder  boys  an'  gals  dey 
runs  wid. 

[  243  ] 


1CIEANDY        BXHOETS 

"  Now  you  take  dis  here  way  dat  de  gals  on- 
dresses  nowadays  when  dey  goes  to  a  party. 
My  Ian',  when  I  sees  my  Ma'y  Jane  start  out 
to  show  herse'f  in  public  in  a  frock  dat  is  cut 
C  in  de  front  an7  V  in  de  back,  an7  nought  un 
der  de  arms,  I  blushes  until  I's  dat  hot  dat  I 
feels  lak  I  was  sizzlin'  on  de  cook-stove,  but 
can  I  stop  her?  I  can  not,  becase  ev'y  moth 
er's  daughter  is  gwine  to  de  ball  in  de  same 
kind  of  a  low-naked  gown. 

"An'  when  I  sees  Ma'y  Jane  a-dancin'  dese 
new-fangled  dances,  I  feels  lak  yellin'  for  de 
perlice,  but  I  can't  make  her  quit  dancin'  'em 
becase  all  de  odder  gals  is  dancin'  de  same 
way,  an'  she's  got  to  do  lak  de  balance  of  dem 
or  paper  de  wall. 

"  But  ef  all  de  mothers  was  united,  and  de 
Amalgamated  Order  of  Mothers  put  hits  big, 
broad-soled  foot  down  flat  on  indecent  clothes 
an'  vulgar  dancin',  dey  could  stop  hit  in  one 
day. 

"  You  better  believe  me,  dat  dere  ain't 
nothin'  dat  de  Sisterhood  of  Chillun  Kaisers 
couldn't  do  ef  dey  would  act  togedder,  for  in 
de  little  black  bags  on  de  arms  of  fat,  wad- 
dlin',  grizzle-haided,  middle-aged  women  is  de 
[  244  ] 


THE       MOTHEBS'       U  K  I  O  N 

money  dat  runs  de  world.  An'  no  storekeeper 
wouldn't  bring  on  de  kind  of  frocks  dem 
women  wouldn't  buy  for  deir  daughters,  an' 
no  restaurant  man  would  keep  de  kind  of  a 
place  dey  wouldn't  let  deir  chillun  go  to. 

"Yassum,  de  Mothers'  Union  sholy  could 
bring  on  de  millennium — mo'  specially  in  mat- 
ermony,  which  is  de  place  whar  most  of  us 
finds  ole  Man  Trouble  waitin'  for  us,  an'  whar 
we  gits  hit  in  de  neck. 

"  S'pose  ev'y  mother  in  de  world,  when  she 
took  her  first  look  at  her  new-born  baby,  re 
membered  dat  she  had  done  took  a  oath  to 
stand  by  ev'y  odder  mother  in  de  world! 

"  So  she  would  say  to  herse'f : ( I  don't  want 
to  have  de  tears  of  a  sister  member  of  de  Moth 
ers'  Union  on  my  soul,  so  I's  gwine  to  raise  dis 
gal  baby  up  to  be  a  good,  faithful,  industrious 
wife  to  some  man.'  Or  she  would  say :  '  I'se 
gwine  to  raise  dis  boy  up  so  he'll  be  a  tender, 
generous,  considerate  husband  to  some  gal, 
an'  dereby  save  some  odder  mother  from 
breakin'  her  heart  over  de  way  her  daughter  is 
treated  by  de  man  she  is  had  de  misfortune  to 
tie  up  wid.' 

"Yajssum,  de  Mothers'  Union  certainly 
[  245  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOBTS 

could  improve  de  output  of  husbands  and 
wives  which  we  mothers  is  turnin'  out  now, 
an'  in  which  ev'y  woman  tries  to  gold-brick  de 
odder  woman  an'  onload  a  triflin',  good-for- 
nothin'  gal  on  some  meek,  patient,  industrious 
man  or  dump  a  selfish,  grouchy,  loafin'  man  on 
a  gal  dat  will  support  him. 

"  Yassum,  I  tell  you  dere's  mighty  few  of 
us  dat  would  lak  to  see  our  sons  marry  gals 
lak  our  own  daughters,  an'  dat  don't  pray  de 
Lawd  to  deliver  our  daughters  from  de  kind  of 
husbands  dat  we's  raised  up  for  some  odder 
gal. 

"  Yassum,  de  Mothers'  Union  is  suttenly  got 
a  grand  future  befo'  hit — an'  plenty  of  wuk 
cut  out  for  hit.  An'  I  wisht  dat  ev'y  mother 
in  de  land  would  jine  hit." 


246  ] 


HOW  MEN  PROPOSE 

"WELL,  Sis  Mirandy,"  prognosticates  Sis 
Hannah  Jane  to  me  as  we  was  a-confabulatin' 
togedder  de  odder  day,  "  I  declar'  to  gracious, 
I  don't  know  whut  women  is  comin'  to.  Dey 
is  progressin'  so  fast,  an'  so  fur,  dat  hit  looks 
lak  to  me  sometimes  dat  dey's  progressin' 
backwards. 

"  Fust  dey  wanted  de  vote.  Den  dey  wanted 
to  wear  de  breeches,  an',  bless  goodness,  ef  dey 
ain't  got  whut  looks  lak  one  leg  of  de  pants 
on  'em,  an'  is  a-flirtin'  hit  aroun'  on  de  streets, 
an'  callin'  hit  a  skirt.  An'  now  heah's  a  piece 
in  de  paper  dat  says  dat  de  women  in  Sweden 
are  demandin'  to  have  de  law  give  'em  de  right 
to  pop  de  question  to  a  man,  an'  ax  him  to 
marry  'em,  becaze  dey  say  dat  when  a  man 
[  247  ] 


MIRANDY        EXHOETS 

proposes  lie  looks  so  ugly  an'  awkward  an' 
meachin'." 

"Huh,"  'sclaims  Sis  Alviry,  whut  is  a  ole 
maid  dat's  been  a-settin'  on  de  anxious  seat 
for  de  las'  fifteen  years,  "  so  fur  as  I  can  see, 
hit's  de  quantity  an'  not  de  quality  of  pro 
posals  dat  needs  improvin'." 

"  Dat's  right,"  'spons  I,  "  any  kin'  of  love- 
makin'  sounds  good  from  de  right  man." 

"  Of  cou'se,  of  cou'se.  Dat's  de  true  word 
dat  you  has  spoke,  Sis  Mirandy,"  agrees  Sis 
Hannah  Jane.  "  Still,  dere  ain't  any  woman 
dat  was  ever  bawn  dat  didn't  hone  right  down 
in  de  bottom  of  her  soul  to  have  some  man 
make  love  to  her  des  lak  dey  does  hit  in  books 
an'  on  de  stage;  an'  hit  sho  am  discouragin', 
after  you  has  done  wuked  lak  a  dray  horse  to 
drag  a  man  up  to  de  proposin'-p'int,  to  have 
him  give  a  gulp  or  two,  lak  his  Adam's  apple 
was  tryin'  to  choke  him,  an'  den  for  him  to  ax 
you  to  marry  him  lak  he  was  axin'  you  to  pass 
de  butter. 

"  Cou'se,  Sis  Mirandy,  I  ain't  a-sayin'  dat 

you  ain't  glad  an'  thankful  to  take  him,  ef  so 

be  he's  a  man  wid  a  steady  job,  an'  one  dat 

looks  lak  he  wouldn't  give  you  no  back  talk; 

[  248  ] 


HOW        MEN        PROPOSE 

but  even  when  you  want  a  thing  dere's  a  dif 
ference,  Sis  Mirandy,  betwixt  havin'  hit 
handed  to  you  on  a  silver  salver  wid  a  wreath 
of  flowers  aroun'  hit,  an'  havin'  hit  chucked  at 
yo'  haid." 

"  You  sho  am  talkin'  now,  Sis  Hannah 
Jane,"  says  I.  "Ev'y  time  a  man  pops  de 
question  to  a  woman  she  busts  into  tears.  De 
man  thinks  dat  she's  cryin'  wid  joy  becaze  he's 
done  come  across  at  las'  an'  she's  got  such  a 
good  thing  as  him;  but  whut  she's  a-weepin' 
over  is  de  way  he  done  bungle  things  an' 
knocked  de  socks  off'n  all  de  romance.  Ever 
sence  she's  been  a  little  gal  she's  been  a-think- 
in'  'bout  some  man  comin'  along  an'  fallin'  in 
love  wid  her,  an'  axin'  for  her  hand  in  mar 
riage  in  high-falutin'  language  dat  she'll  be 
proud  to  remember  an'  brag  'bout  to  de  long 
est  day  she  lives.  An'  when  de  thing  does 
happen,  hit's  des  as  onnery  an'  commonplace 
as  buyin'  a  peck  of  potatoes. 

"  She's  thought  dat  de  man  would  pour  out 
a  lot  of  love  talk  dat  jes'  burned  an'  sizzled, 
an'  den  dat  he  would  clutch  her  to  his  manly 
bosom  in  a  way  dat  would  loosen  her  black 
hair,  an'  dat  he  would  swear  dat  all  de  powers 
[  249  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

of  darkness  could  not  tear  her  away  from  him. 
Dat's  whut  she's  been  a-lookin'  forward  to 
hearin';  an'  whut  he  says  is,  dat  he's  done 
found  a  nice  two-room  flat  wid  stationary 
washtubs  an'  a  gas-stove,  an'  dat  he'll  stand 
for  de  rent  of  hit  ef  she  wants  to  tie  up  wid 
him." 

"Dat's  de  reason  de  movies  gits  all  my 
money,"  sighs  Sis  Aramkity.  "  I  goes  to  see 
men  make  love  on  de  stage  as  hit  should  be 
did,  becaze  I  knows  I'll  never  see  hit  done  dat 
way  in  real  life." 

"  I  wonder,"  says  Sis  Hannah  Jane,  wid  a 
far-away  look  in  her  eye,  "whut  hit  is  dat 
makes  a  man  turn  pale  aroun'  de  gills,  an' 
trimble  an'  stutter,  an'  fall  over  his  own  feet 
when  he  goes  to  ax  a  woman  to  marry  him." 

"Huh,"  says  Ike,  who  had  been  a-listenin' 
to  us,  "  hit's  becaze  he  knows  dat  he  is  a-get- 
tin'  hisself  into  trouble,  an'  he's  a-wrastlin' 
wid  his  guardeen  angel  dat's  makin'  one  las' 
effort  to  hold  him  back  an'  save  him.  Believe 
me,  Sis  Hannah  Jane,  dere's  many  a  man  done 
wish  dat  when  he  started  to  pop  de  question 
his  tongue  had  done  stuck  to  de  roof  of  his 
mouth  so  he  never  could  have  got  hit  down 
[  250  ] 


HOW        MEN        PEOPOSB 

ag'in.  Yassum,  ef  dere's  one  time  dat  a  man 
gits  punished  for  talkin'  too  much,  hit  is 
when  he  tackles  dis  heah  proposin'  proposi 
tion. 

"  I  ain't  a-sayin'  dat  a  man  don't  look  lak  a 
human  shrimp  when  he  pops  de  question,  be- 
caze  he  does ;  an'  he  feels  lak  one,  only  not  so 
intelligent;  but  love-makin'  ain't  no  business 
for  a  able-bodied  man  to  be  engaged  in,  an' 
you  take  hit  from  me  dat  any  man  whut  can 
make  love  widout  lookin'  an'  actin'  as  'shamed 
as  a  sheep-killin'  dog,  is  done  had  too  much 
experience.  He  done  said  dat  thing  over  to  so 
many  women  dat  he's  done  learned  hit  by 
heart,  an'  when  you  gits  one  of  dese  heah  pro 
posals  tied  up  wid  a  blue  ribbon,  you'd  better 
keep  yo'  eye  on  hit,  'caze  hit's  mighty  apt  to 
git  away  from  you. 

"  Mo'over,"  goes  on  Ike,  "  ef  de  women  folks 
thinks  dat  dey  can  make  love  better  dan  de 
men  does,  let  'em  go  to  hit,  says  I.  As  for  me, 
I  ain't  nowise  opposed  to  a  sweet  young  thing 
wid  a  straight-front  figger  an'  soulful  eyes 
a-leadin'  me  out  into  de  moonlight,  an' 
a-holdin'  my  han',  an'  tellin'  me  how  noble  an' 
gran'  an'  handsome  I  is,  an'  how  her  heart 
[  251  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

begins  to  flop  aroun'  in  her  bosom  de  minnit 
she  sets  eyes  on  me.  An'  ef  she  wants  to 
quote  any  poetry  to  me,  I'se  ready  an'  willin' 
to  listen  as  long  as  she  nestles  my  han'  in  her 
little  flapper  an'  spiels  along.  Nuther  is  I  got 
any  objections  to  her  kneelin'  at  my  feet,  ef 
she  wants  to  do  hit,  dough  how  any  young  fe 
male  is  gwine  to  do  de  kneelin'  act  in  dese 
heah  snake-skin  skirts  gits  me." 

"  De  hussy !  "  'sclaims  I.  "  Des  let  me 
ketch  any  gal  a-makin'  love  to  you,  an7  dere 
sho  is  gwine  to  be  wuk  for  de  horspital !  " 

"  Oh,  bein'  a  married  man,  I  was  des 
speakin'  paragorically,  ole  lady,"  'spons  Ike. 
"  Course  I  wouldn't  encourage  no  young 
woman  to  make  love  to  me,  onless  she  was  des 
a-practisin'  up  de  best  way  to  pop  de  question 
to  some  odder  man.  Nuther  is  I  a-sayin'  dat 
women  wouldn't  improve  de  output  of  love 
talk  ef  dey  did  de  proposin',  becaze  women  is 
dat  long  on  talk,  anyway,  dat  ef  one  of  'em  set 
her  mind  on  marryin'  a  man,  she'd  argify  him 
into  doin'  hit,  whedder  he  wanted  to  or  not. 
He'd  say  yes  des  to  shut  her  up." 

"  Sis  Mirandy,"  says  Sis  Hannah  Jane, 
"does  you  believe  dat  ef  women  did  de  pro- 
[  252  ] 


HOW        MEN        PBOPOSE 

posin'  dey'd  pop  de  question  mo*  poeticaller 
dan  men  does?  " 

"  I  don't  know  'bout  dat,  Sis  Hannah  Jane," 
I  'spons.  "  Dey  might  not  propose  better  dan 
men,  but  dey'd  do  hit  oftener! " 


[  253  ] 


OUR  NEIGHBORS 

"  DERE'S  one  woman  dat  I  sholy  does  envy, 
an'  dat  is  Eve,  becaze  she  didn't  have  no  neigh 
bors. 

"  Yassum,  she  suttenly  was  a  lucky  woman, 
an'  she  sholy  must  'a'  led  a  peaceable  an' 
happy  life,  an'  had  money  in  de  bank,  wid  no 
lady  acrost  de  street  a-spyin'  on  her  clothes 
line  on  wash  days  to  see  how  often  she  changes 
de  table-cloth  an'  whedder  her  fambly  wears 
longery  or  jist  underclothes. 

"  Yassum,  I  'specks  in  de  millennium  dat 
Br'er  Jinkins  is  always  expostulatin'  'bout, 
ev'y  one  of  us  will  have  a  little  world  of  our 
own,  where  we  kin  be  des  as  lazy,  an'  as 
slouchy,  an'  as  shiftless,  an'  as  comfortable, 
an'  happy  as  we  kin  be,  wid  nobody  to  bodder 
us,  or  make  us  come  up  to  de  scratch. 
[  254  ] 


CUB        NEIGHBORS 

"  Becaze  hit's  our  neighbors  dat  we'se  slaves 
to.  Hit's  our  neighbors  dat  we  wuks  for,  an' 
inches,  an'  pinches,  an'  scrinches  for,  an7  per- 
tends  to  be  whut  we  ain't. 

"An'  de  funny  part  of  hit  all  is,  dat  dey  is 
jest  as  skeered  of  us  as  we  is  of  dem,  an'  yit 
neider  one  of  us  dars  turn  our  back  an'  do  as 
we  pleases  for  fear  we'll  git  hit  in  de  neck 
from  de  odder  one. 

"  Yassum,  when  I  dies  I  hopes  an'  prays  dat 
I'll  go  to  a  place  whar  I'll  be  forty  million 
miles  away  from  de  nex'  angel,  an'  whar  dere 
won't  be  nobody  to  squint  at  my  halo,  an'  re 
mark  dat  hit's  too  big  for  me,  an'  dey  wonders 
how  I  happened  to  git  hit  anyway,  an'  dat  dey 
sholy  am  surprised  to  see  dat  Sis  Mirandy  has 
been  showed  to  a  back  seat,  instid  of  settin'  up 
in  de  front  row  'mongst  de  elect. 

"  Yassum,  I  suttenly  do  git  tired  of  spendin' 
my  time  an'  my  money  tryin'  to  please  folks 
dat  I  don't  keer  nothin'  at  all  'bout,  in  de 
place  of  indulgin'  myself  in  de  things  dat  I 
wants,  an'  hones  to  do. 

"An'  I  gits  tired  of  lyin'  to  folks  dat  knows 
I'se  lyin',  an'  don't  believe  whut  I  tell  'em, 
any  mo'  dan  I  believes  de  things  dat  dey  tells 
[  255  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

me.  But,  my  Ian',  ef  you'd  tell  de  truth  now 
you'd  be  ruined,  for  ev'ybody  scales  down 
whut  you  say  so  much  dat  ef  you  didn't  talk 
big,  dere  wouldn't  be  nothin'  lef '. 

"  Dat's  whut  makes  me  tell  Sis  Hannah 
Jane  dat  de  reason  dat  I  takes  in  washin'  is 
becaze  de  doctor  says  dat  dere  ain't  nothin' 
for  givin'  you  a  straight  front  figger,  an'  re- 
movin7  a  double  chin  lak  de  up  an'  down  mo 
tion  of  bendin'  over  de  washtub.  An'  Sis 
Hannah  Jane,  she  respon'  dat  de  reason  dat 
dey  don't  have  nothin'  but  a  cold  piece  of 
bread  for  breakfast  is  becaze  a  meat  diet  is  too 
heatin'  for  her  fambly,  an'  coffee  makes  'em 
dat  nervous  dat  hit  gives  'em  de  trimbles. 

"  Cou'se  in  her  mind,  Sis  Hannah  Jane  is 
a-sayin'  to  herself  dat  she  'specks  Ike  mus' 
spend  mo'  money  at  de  lodge  dan  he  does  on 
his  wife  an'  chillun,  ef  I  has  to  let  on  dat  I 
takes  in  washin'  for  exercise.  An'  I'se  a-prog- 
nosticatin'  to  myself  dat  Sis  Hannah  Jane 
mus'  be  so  po'  dat  hit  won't  be  long  tell  she's 
passin'  roun'  de  hat,  but  we  bof '  look  at  each 
odder  lak  butter  wouldn't  melt  in  our  moufs, 
an'  pertends  dat  we  is  tucken  in  by  each 
odder. 

[  256  ] 


OUB        NEIGHBOES 

"  Yassum,  hit's  our  neighbors  dat  makes  us 
do  all  de  fool  things  dat  we  dos.  Whut  you 
reckon  made  me  buy  dat  mellojum  dat  Fse 
been  payin'  for  on  de  installment  for  f  o'  years, 
when  de  only  instrument  dat  I  kin  perform  on 
is  de  cook-stove?  You  reckon  I  wanted  dat 
contrapshun  dat  ain't  no  yearthly  use  'cepen 
to  ketch  dust,  when  I  was  a-needin'  a  flannel 
petticoat  an'  a  pair  of  stockin's  widout  no 
holes  in  'em? 

"Nawm,  dat  I  didn't  Pussonally,  I  ain't 
got  no  mo'  use  for  a  mellojum  dan  a  fish  has 
for  a  umbrella,  an'  dere  was  forty-leven  differ 
ent  things  dat  I  wanted  an'  wanted  bad,  dat  I 
could  'a'  bought  wid  dat  money,  but  I  had  to 
buy  hit  for  de  neighbors.  An'  dat's  why  I  put 
de  money  dat  had  oughter  bought  me  a  new 
clothes  wringer  to  save  my  back  into  a  red 
plush  album  for  de  centre  table  in  de  parlor, 
an'  why  I  bought  a  painted  chainy  vase  to  set 
in  de  front  window,  when  I  was  a-settin' 
propped  up  in  a  broken-legged  cheer  in  de 
kitchen. 

"  De  Lawd  knows  dat  hit  is  bad  enough  to 
have  to  spend  yo'  money  on  yo'  neighbors,  but 
dat  ain't  de  wust  of  hit.  Dey  is  always 
[  257  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

a-snookin'  an'  a-snoopin'  around,  pryin'  into 
folkses  private  affairs,  as  ef  hit  was  any  busi 
ness  of  deirs  ef  a  gentleman  come  home  tanked 
up  wid  red  eye  an'  beat  his  wife,  or  a  woman, 
whut  is  a  perfect  lady,  got  riled  wid  her  hus 
band  an'  pitched  things  at  him. 

"  I  mind  dat  one  time  dat  me  an'  Ike  was 
havin'  a  little  argyment,  an'  maybe  we  did 
pass  a  few  plates  an'  things  an'  de  fust  news 
we  knowed  de  neighbors  had  done  bus'  down 
de  do'  and  rush  in,  an'  hit  tuck  me  an'  Ike  bof ' 
to  throw  'em  out  an'  give  'em  a  hint  dat  while 
we  was  sociable  an'  friendly,  we  warn't  gwine 
to  have  any  neighbors  interfering  in  our  fam- 
bly  diversions. 

"  But  dat  got  us  de  name  of  bein'  upperty, 
for  ef  dere  is  one  thing  dat  neighbors  won't 
stand,  hit  is  for  anybody  to  keep  deir  own 
business  to  deirselfs.  All  you  got  to  do  to  git 
de  name  of  bein'  a  jail  bird,  an'  havin'  fo'  hus 
bands  livin'  round  in  different  parts  of  de 
country,  an'  of  dodgin'  de  rent  collector,  is  not 
to  spend  yo'  time  relatin'  whar  you  has  lived, 
an'  who  you  is  kin  to,  an'  how  much  money 
you  makes. 

"  But  dere  is  one  thing  'bout  neighbors  dat 
[  258  ] 


OUE        NEIGHBOES 

is  a  good  thing,  I  reckon,  an7  dat  is  dat  dey 
makes  us  toe  de  mark.  My  Ian',  but  dere's 
many  a  time  I  wouldn't  sweep  under  de  bed  ef 
I  wasn't  f  raid  dat  Sis  Tempy  mought  drap  in 
for  a  call,  an'  dat  I'd  let  little  Teddy  Booster- 
felt  go  dirty  an'  comfortable  instid  of  riggin' 
him  up  in  one  of  dese  heah  bustin'  Brown 
clothes  ef  I  wasn't  skeered  dat  de  neighbors 
would  say  dat  I  was  neglectin'  my  chillen. 
An'  of  a  night,  when  Ike  comes  home  from  de 
pra'r-meetin'  'bout  midnight,  an'  says  dat  de 
reason  dat  he  stayed  so  late  was  becaze  dey 
had  a  mighty  refreshin'  season,  an'  de  spirit 
was  wid  'em,  de  thing  dat  keeps  me  from 
sayin'  des  whut  I  thinks  to  him,  an'  makes  me 
drap  my  voice  to  a  whisper,  is  de  knowledge 
dat  Sis  Susannah  has  got  her  ear  glued  to  de 
petition  wall,  a-listenin'  to  find  out  ef  I  lives 
up  to  my  reputation  as  a  meek,  humble  Chris 
tian  wife. 

"  But,  all  de  same,  I  sho'  does  envy  Eve  be 
caze  she  didn't  have  no  neighbors,  an'  I  'specks 
dat  de  reason  dat  dey  call  de  garden  of  Eden 
Paradise  was  becaze  dere  warn't  no  back  door 
neighbor,  a-runnin'  in  wid  a  shawl  over  her 
head,  to  peek  in  de  market  basket,  an'  see 
[  259  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

whut  slie  was  gwine  to  have  for  dinner,  an'  ef 
she  bought  butter  by  de  pound,  or  de  nickel's 
wuth. 

"  Yassum,  ef  de  sarpent  lef '  any  chillen  in 
dis  world,  hit  was  de  back  door  neighbor. 
Ev'y  time  a  woman  gits  dat  famillious  wid  me 
dat  she  feels  lak  she  kin  run  in  widout 
knockin'  an'  count  de  po'k  chops  on  de  cook- 
stove,  an'  take  a  hand  in  de  fambly  scraps,  I 
packs  up  an'  moves  on. 

"An'  I'se  been  a-movin'  from  de  back  door 
neighbor  all  my  life — an'  I  ain't  never  got  rid 
of  her  yit.  I'se  still  a-movin'." 


[  260  ] 


THE  PRICE  OF  FREEDOM 

"  DE  odder  night  Br'er  Jinkins  was  at  our 
house,  an7  he  was  expostulatin'  'bout  dem  folks 
dat  is  tryin'  to  git  a  law  passed  taxin'  ev'y  old 
bachelor  enough  to  support  a  ole  maid. 

"  <  Well/  'sclaims  I,  *  I  hopes  to  gracious 
dat  dey  does  hit,  for  de  Lawd  knows  dat  hit 
looks  lak  hit  takes  a  sheriff  an'  a  posse  to 
drive  a  man  to  de  altar  in  dese  days,  an'  dat 
de  only  way  to  git  one  into  de  holy  estate  is  to 
have  de  law  on  him  ef  he  stays  out  of  de  fold.' 

"  l  Marriage  is  a  life  sentence  at  hard  labor,' 
'spons  Ike,  'an'  ef  a  man  is  foxy  enough  to 
keep  from  gittin'  caught,  I  don't  see  what 
right  de  government  has  got  to  hand  him  a 
jail-ticket,  anyway.  I  call  dat  playin'  hit 
[  261  ] 


MIEAKDY        EXHOETS 

pretty  low  down  on  a  feller,  an'  interferin 
wid  his  pussonal  liberty,  an'  discouragin'  pru 
dence  in  de  young.' 

" '  Hit  is  de  principle  of  our  government  to 
tax  de  luxuries  of  life,  an'  not  de  necessities,' 
says  Br'er  Jinkins  in  de  tone  of  voice  dat  lie 
uses  in  de  pulpit,  'an'  darfore  hit's  nothin' 
but  right  dat  dem  bachelors  whut  has  got  de 
privilege  of  deir  freedom  should  be  made  to 
pay  for  hit.' 

" '  Oh,'  'spons  Ike,  a  kind  of  avoidin'  my 
eye,  'caze  me  an'  him  had  des  had  a  family 
set-to  in  which  he  had  come  out  at  de  little 
end  of  de  horn,  '  I  ain't  a-disputin'  dat  a  bach 
elor  hadn't  orter  pay  for  de  right  to  be  a 
bachelor,  for  hit  suttenly  is  wuth  de  price.' 

" <  Dis  heah  talk  of  taxin'  bachelors  brings 
out  one  curious  peculiarity,'  says  Br'er  Jin- 
kins,  'an'  dat  is  dat  ev'ybody  is  down  on  de 
onmarried  man  an'  is  got  hit  in  for  him,  whilst 
dey  is  sloshin'  over  wid  pity  for  de  onmarried 
woman.  Even  de  Scriptures  leans  dat  way, 
for  de  Good  Book  is  full  of  promises  an'  com 
forts  for  widders,  but  hit  ain't  got  nary  a  word 
dat  promises  cheer  for  de  widower.' 

" <  Humph,'  'spons  I,  *  de  Lawd  knows  dat 
[  262  ] 


THE      PEICE      OF      FBEEDOM 

dere  warn't  no  use  in  wastin'  words  of  comfort 
on  de  widower,  'caze  he  kin  comfort  himself. 
When  a  widow  woman  is  left  wid  six  small 
Chilians,  an'  no  insurance  money,  dere  ain't 
nothin'  left  for  her  but  de  consolations  of  re 
ligion.  But  a  widow  man  may  have  forty- 
leven  teethin'  babies,  an'  de  rheumatiz,  an'  de 
string-halt  in  his  knee,  an'  no  job,  yit  he  kin 
marry  de  prettiest  gal  in  de  chu'ch  de  fust 
time  he  makes  a  pass  at  her.  I  done  seen  hit 
done  many  a-times ! ' 

"  '  Talkin'  'bout  dis  marryin'  business,'  says 
Ike  in  a  mournful  voice,  *  dere's  some  folks  dat 
ain't  got  enough  sense  to  know  when  dey  is 
well  off,  an'  is  jest  natcherally  bound  to  go  out 
an'  hunt  for  trouble.' 

"  6  Dere's  one  thing/  'spons  I, *  an'  dat  is  dat 
ef  dat  law  makin'  ev'y  ole  bachelor  support  a 
ole  maid  is  ever  passed,  hit'll  be  a  mighty 
pow'ful  encourager  of  matermony.' 

"  '  How  so?  '  axes  Br'er  Jinkins. 

"  '  Becaze,'  answers  I, '  dere  ain't  no  woman 
in  de  world  dat  a  man  can  support  as  cheap  as 
he  can  his  wife,  an'  when  dem  men  finds  out 
dat  dey  is  got  to  put  up  for  de  board  an' 
clothes  of  some  woman  dere'll  be  a  grand 
[  263  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHOETS 

scramble  for  marriage  licenses.  Dey'll  all 
want  to  git  in  on  de  ground  floor  whar  dey  can 
do  hit  on  de  bargain-counter  plan. 

"  '  Yassir,'  I  goes  on,  wid  a  meanin'  look  at 
Ike,  '  I's  knowed  of  cases  whar  bef o'  marriage 
a  man  stuffed  a  woman  on  ice-cream,  an'  pink 
lemonade,  an'  took  her  to  de  show,  an'  give  her 
a  silk  frock,  an'  after  dey  was  married  she 
thought  dat  she  was  mighty  lucky  ef  she  got 
po'k  chops,  an'  a  caliker  dress,  an'  a  chanst  to 
go  to  pra'r-meetin'  onct  a  week.' 

"'Yassir,  dem  pictures  in  de  almanac  of 
"  befo'  an'  after  takin'  "  sholy  is  a  fambly  por 
trait  of  most  married  folks.  Before  dey  is 
married  dey  is  spry  an'  all  dressed  up,  an' 
cheerful  lookin',  an'  after  dey  is  married 
dey  is  kind  of  seedy,  an'  weavely,  an'  is 
wearin'  yeah-befo'-last  clothes,  an'  a  mournful 
look. 

" '  De  money  whut  is  spent  on  women  goes 
to  de  sweethearts  an'  not  de  wives,  an'  many  a 
woman  has  to  wuk  as  long  as  she  lives  to  pay 
for  de  presents  dat  her  husband  give  her  befo' 
dey  was  married.' 

"'Yassir,  I'se  seed  many  a  man  dat  ex 
pected  his  wife  to  wear  de  same  bonnet  fo'  fo' 
[  264  ] 


THE      PEICE      OF      PEEEDOM 

yeahs  becaze  he  gave  her  a  plush  album  when 
he  was  a-cou'tin'  her.  Dat's  whut  makes  me 
say  dat  ef  dem  skinflint  ole  bachelors  whut 
has  been  too  pisen-stingy  to  git  married  of 
deirselves,  an'  help  a  po'  lady  out  on  her  shop- 
pin7  ticket,  finds  out  dat  dey'll  have  to  suppo't 
a  woman  anyway,  dat  deyll  all  hustle  to  git 
married,  becaze  marriage  is  cheap.' 

"  'As  for  me/  says  Br'er  Jinkins,  who  is  got 
a  wife  who  is  a  Tartar,  an'  dat  ain't  a  gentle, 
meek,  long-sufferin'  woman  lak  I  is,  'as  for 
me,  I  don't  hold  wid  de  passin'  of  no  such  laws. 
Let  dem  men,  whut  is  got  gumption  enough  to 
stay  single,  git  deir  reward.' 

"  <  Dere  ain't  nothin'  in  dis  world,'  'spons 
Ike,  i  'ceptin'  havin'  a  eye  tooth  pulled,  dat 
goes  ag'inst  a  man's  grain  an'  hut's  as  bad 
as  payin'  taxes,  anyway,  an'  I  sholy  do  feel  for 
dem  bachelors  dat'll  have  to  pay  for  de  privi 
lege  of  not  bein'  married.' 

" '  Dey  won't  know  de  blessin'  dey's  gittin', 
never  havin'  experienced  de  aggrefrettiness  of 
matermony,'  'spons  Br'er  Jinkins.  t  You'd 
think  dey  would  jest  be  prancin'  up  to  de  tax 
office,  wreathed  in  smiles,  to  git  a  chance  to 
pay  for  deir  freedom,  but  you'll  see  dat  dey'll 
[  265  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

moan,  an'  groan,  an'  try  to  dodge  hit  des 
lak  dem  millionaires  does  'bout  de  income 
tax.7 

"  *  My  goodness,'  'sclaims  Ike,  <  but  I  jes' 
wisht  dat  de  tax-gatherer  would  be  a  houndin' 
me  to  pay  de  income  tax.' 

" '  Dat  so.  Same  heah,'  'spons  Br'er  Jin- 
kins,  '  an'  dat's  de  way  hit's  gwine  to  be  'bout 
dis  heah  bachelor  tax.  A  man  orter  be  willin' 
to  pay  for  de  privilege  of  comin'  home  in  de 
early  hours  of  de  mawnin',  an'  not  findin'  a 
lady  waitin'  up  for  him,  wid  a  piece  of  kindlin' 
in  one  hand,  an'  a  flat  iron  in  de  odder,  an'  her 
opinion  of  his  conduc'  all  thought  out.  But 
he  ain't,  an'  he's  gwine  to  kick  like  a  steer 
when  dey  assesses  de  price  of  his  freedom.' 

"  <  Humph,'  'spons  I,  '  maybe  dey  ain't  made 
de  ole  bachelor  pay  in  money  for  de  price  of 
his  freedom,  but  all  de  same  he  pays.  Ev'y 
man  dat  ain't  married,  pays  for  not  bein'  mar 
ried  in  loneliness,  becaze  hit's  better  to  be 
pulled  over  de  coals  for  comin'  home  late  dan 
it  is  to  have  nobody  to  care  whedder  you  ever 
comes  home  or  not.' 

" '  Maybe  so,'  says  Br'er  Jinkins,  '  but  hit 
must  be  mighty  comfortable  to  be  able  to  do 
[  266  ] 


THE      PEICE      OF      FEEEDOM 

as  you  lak  in  yo'  own  house,  an'  dat's  a  luxury 
dat  a  ole  bachelor  orter  be  willing  to  put  up 
his  good  money  for.' 

" '  He  does/  says  I,  6  for  hit's  better  not  to 
dare  to  put  yo'  feet  on  de  mantelpiece,  or  smoke 
in  de  parlor,  dan  hit  is  to  have  nothin'  but  an 
empty  chair  across  de  table  from  you  at  din 
ner,  an'  to  have  nobody  but  de  cat  to  talk  to  of 
an  eveninV 

"  '  A  man  dat  don't  have  to  suppo't  a  fambly 
sholy  ought  not  to  grumble  'bout  payin'  de 
bachelor  tax,'  puts  in  Ike. 

"  i  He  pays  hit,'  'spons  I,  '  ev'y  man  dat 
never  knows  de  clingin'  arms  of  little  chillun 
'bout  his  neck  has  paid  a  price  dat  would  send 
Mr.  Kockinfeller  to  de  po'  house.  Furdermo' 
a  wife — des  one  of  dese  plain,  fool  women,  dat 
ain't  no  livin'  picture  of  beauty,  an'  dat  ain't 
gwine  to  set  de  world  on  fire  wid  her  sense,  an' 
dat  is  got  a  temper,  an'  a  tongue  dat  she's  a 
little  too  free  wid,  but  dat  des  loves  some 
onnery  little  bandy-legged  man  so  dat  she 
thinks  he  is  de  smartest,  and  de  handsomest 
man  in  all  de  wide  world — is  a  mighty  com- 
fortin'  thing  for  any  man  to  have  aroun'  de 
house/ 

[  267  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

"  '  Dat's  so,  ole  woman/  says  Ike,  a-reachin' 
over  an'  grabbin'  my  han',  an7  I  didn't  say 
nothin'  a  little  later  when  he  segasuated  off  in 
de  direction  of  de  cigar  store." 


[  268  ] 


ADVICE  TO  MOTHERS 

"  HONEY,  ain't  it  funny  how  de  better  ad 
vice  soun's  de  wuss  hit  is? 

"  Now  me,  I  des  got  back  from  one  of  dem 
Mother's  Meetings  whar  a  lady  of  de  single 
pusswasion,  what  ain't  never  had  no  pussonal 
'sperience  in  de  baby  line,  an'  one  of  dese 
yeah  pale,  underdone,  half-baked,  three-hair- 
whisker  men  whut  wouldn't  know  no  mo'  how 
to  rastle  wid  de  colic  dan  he  would  how  to 
run  a  airship,  spent  two  hours  a-layin'  down 
de  law  to  us  mothers  'bout  how  to  bring  up 
our  chillen. 

"  Hit  sho?  wuz  a  privilege  to  be  dere,  an7 

listen  to  dem  words  of  wisdom,  becaze  de  only 

pusson  dat  knows  des  how  a  chile  ought  to  be 

raised  an'  dat  is  got  a  never  fail  recipe  for 

[  269  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

doin'  hit,  is  dem  whut  ain't  wrastlin'  wid  de 
problems,  an'  dat  ain't  layin'  awake  of  nights 
tryin'  to  settle  in  deir  minds  whedder  de 
knock-down-an'-drag-out  policy,  or  de  moral 
'suasion  is  best. 

"  Hit's  a  comfort  dat  we  po?,  troubled 
mothers  dat  is  got  twins  in  de  cradle,  an'  trip 
lets  under  our  feet,  an'  holdin'  on  to  our 
frocks,  whilst  we  cooks,  an'  washes,  an' 
scrubs,  has  spinsters  to  'spostulate  to  us  'bout 
des  how  to  fetch  'em  up.  For  we'se  mighty 
mystified  'bout  whedder  we  whipped  when  we 
hadn't  ought  to,  or  stayed  our  hands  when 
we  had  ought  to  have  spanked  de  life  out  of 
'em,  but  when  you  listen  to  de  advice  of  dese 
Mother's  Helpers  all  de  doubts  des  melts 
away.  Hit  sounds  jes?  as  easy,  an'  plain  as 
one  of  dem  cook-book  rules  for  makin'  sponge 
cake  dat  says  at  de  end,  *  If  you  follow  dis 
recipe,  you  can't  fail.' 

"  Dat  is  de  reason  dat  I  always  goes  when 
I  kin,  an'  I  comes  home  mighty  ca'm  an'  sater- 
fied,  to  try  to  practice  dem  lovely  views  on  my 
fambly.  Den  somethin'  happens.  I  dunno 
just  whut,  but  dere's  a  sort  of  slip-up  some- 
wheres.  When  I  tries  to  appeal  to  my  chil- 
[  270  ] 


ADVICE        TO        MOTHEES 

len's  souls,  I  finds  out  dat  dey  ain't  got  nothin' 
but  stomachs,  an7  dat  de  only  way  I  kin  make 
any  impression  on  deir  higher  nature  is  wid 
de  business  end  of  a  broomstick. 

"  Yassum,  I  -ain't  got  no  manner  of  doubt 
'bout  de  value  of  de  Mother  Helper's  idees — 
de  only  thing  ag'inst  dem  is  dat  dey  won't 
wuk.  Leastwise  on  healthy  chillen.  I  'specks 
dat  dey  would  be  des  de  thing  for  a  puny 
chile  dat  was  kinder  wormy  lookin',  an'  dat 
had  stringy  curls,  an'  wus  named  Percy,  but 
dem  maiden  ladies  don't  seem  to  have  got 
much  of  a  grip  on  how  to  knock  de  Ole  Boy 
out  of  dem  chillen  whut  is  name  Bill,  an'  Sal, 
an'  dat  kin  eat  six  meals  a  day  an'  be  always 
hongry  between  times,  an'  dat  keeps  you  on 
de  jump  wonder  in1  whut  new  kind  of  badness 
dey  is  gwine  to  be  in  nex'. 

"  An'  de  trouble  wid  dem  kind  of  chillen  is 
dat  dere  ain't  no  two  of  'em  alike,  an'  de  way 
dat  wuks  of  managin'  one  of  'em  don't  wuk 
wid  de  odder  one.  Dere's  some  chillen  dat  you 
can  tole  into  de  straight  an'  narrow  path,  an' 
some  dat  you  has  to  lambaste  into  hit  wid  a 
bed-slat. 

"  I  kin  praise  Ma'y  Jane  into  behavin'  lak  a 
[  271  ] 


MIBAKDT        EXHOETS 

puffect  lady,  but  when  I  pays  Sally  Ann  a 
compliment  Mt  gives  her  de  swell  head  so  bad 
dat  dere  ain'  no  livin'  in  de  house  wid  her. 
When  I  turns  Thomas  Jefferson  acrost  my 
knees  an  applies  de  slipper  whar  hit  does  de 
mos'  good,  he  gits  up  a  regenerated  sinner 
dat's  so  good  an7  sweet  you^mos'  think  dat  you 
kin  see  his  angel  wings  a-sproutin',  but  when 
I  whips  little  Teddy  Eoosterfelt  he  sulks 
for  a  week,  and  de  only  reason  he  don't  put 
pisen  in  de  coffee  is  becaze  he  don't  know 
how. 

"Dat's  whut  makes  me  say  whut  I  does — 
dat  I  is  des  sloshin'  over  wid  respect  for  dem 
folks  dat  is  got  a  rule  for  raisin7  chillen  dat  is 
guaranteed  to  keep  'em  off  of  de  chain  gang 
when  dey  grows  up.  'Case  I  ain't  got  no  plan 
on  de  subject  dat's  wuth  shucks. 

"Des  las'  time  I  went  to  one  of  de  Mother's 
Meetin's  dere  was  a  mighty  peart  young 
woman,  wid  a  silk  dress  trimmed  wid  real 
lace,  an'  a  flower  bonnet  on,  dat  got  up  an' 
speechified  'bout  how  you  ought  never  to  say 
i  Must '  to  a  chile.  She  said  as  how  dat  instid 
of  givin'  a  chile  a  order  to  do  anythin'  dat  you 
ought  to  des  gently  insinuate  de  matter  to  hit. 
[  272  ] 


ADVICE        TO        MOTHEES 

Furdermo'  she  say  dat  wuz  de  way  to  keep  a 
chile  from  bein'  disobedient,  an7  all  de  women 
in  de  audience  clapped  deir  hands  lak  dey's 
heerd  de  good  news  of  a  new  way,  wid  no  wuk 
in  hit,  to  manage  chillen,  for  de  reason  dat 
mos'  women  don't  make  deir  chillen  behave 
deirself  is  becaze  dey's  too  lazy  to  do  hit. 

"  So,  goin'  on  home  dat  evenin'  Sis  Hannah 
Jane,  whut's  got  de  rockin'-cheer  habit,  says 
to  me : 

"  '  Hit's  a  great  thing,  Sis  Mirandy,  dat  we 
lives  in  dis  day  when  we'se  got  de  benefit  of  de 
advice  of  dem  whut  is  given  deir  time  to  chile 
study  to  tell  us  how  to  bring  up  our  offspring. 
I  shudders  at  de  mistakes  I  has  been  a-makin', 
for  I  has  been  a-sayin'  "  must "  to  my  chillen 
all  deir  lives,  but  I  is  gwine  to  turn  over  a 
new  leaf,  an'  from  dis  time  on  I'll  des  insin 
uate  my  desires  to  'em.  Ain't  you?  ' 

" '  Dat  I  ain't,'  'spons  I,  '  as  long  as  I's  a 
able-bodied  woman  I's  gwine  to  say  "must" 
to  mine  an'  see  dat  dey  does  hit,  for  life  is  dat 
full  of  "  must "  for  all  of  us  dat  we  can't  get 
use  to  doin'  whut  we  ought  to,  an'  don't  want 
to,  any  too  soon.' 

" i  I's  gwine  to  appeal  to  my  Ulysses  Sher- 
[  273  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHORTS 

man  Algernon  Grant's  f  eelin's  for  me  to  keep 
him  from  gwine  out  of  a  night  wid  de  boys/ 
says  Sis  Hannah  Jane. 

" i  An'  I's  to  appeal  to  Thomas  Jefferson's 
feelin's  for  himself  to  keep  him  from  gwine 
out  to  loaf  at  de  corner,  for  ef  he  does,  him 
an'  me  will  have  a  little  interview  wid  a  hick 
ory  switch,'  'spons  I,  an'  at  dat  Sis  Hannah 
Jane  says  she  grieves  to  see  dat  I  ain't  open 
to  de  new  idees,  but  I  took  notice  dat  Thomas 
Jefferson  spent  de  evenin'  in  de  bosom  of  Ms 
fambly,  whilst  I  sees  Ulysses  Sherman  Alger 
non  Grant  a-saunterin'  by  my  window. 

" l  But  dere's  one  thing  dat  kinder  troubles 
me,'  Sis  Hannah  Jane  went  on,  '  an'  dat  is 
whut  dat  soulful  young  man  in  de  Mother's 
Meetin'  says  'bout  you  always  ought  always 
to  answer  a  chile's  questions.  I  wants  to  live 
up  to  de  light,  but  I  laks  de  strength.' 

"  '  Dat's  so,'  says  I, '  now  las'  night  my  little 
Teddy  Eoosterfelt  was  a-learnin'  his  Sunday 
school  lessons,  an'  he  says,  "  Ma,  who  was 
Pa's  Pa,  an'  who  was  his  Pa,  an'  who  was  de 
Pa  of  de  fus'  him?  "  ' 

" i  Anybody  who  can  answer  a  chile's  ques 
tions  is  welcome  to,'  'spons  Sis  Hannah  Jane. 
[  274] 


ADVICE        TO        MOTHEES 

"  <  Amen/  says  I  an'  den  I  say  kinder  casual, 
'Hit's  mighty  providential  dat  dem  whut 
knows  exactly  how  chillen  ought  to  be  brought 
up  ain't  got  no  chillen  to  show  how  deir  idees 
wuks  out.7 " 


[  275  ] 


THE  BLESSINGS  OF  TROUBLE 

YESTERDAY  as  I  was  a  promulgatin'  along 
home  from  de  butcher-shop  I  done  meet  up 
wid  Sis  Chloe  Johnsing,  whut  is  one  of  dese 
heah  skinny,  lanky  women,  whut  always  wears 
a  rusty  black  veil,  an7  de  corners  of  her  mouth 
turned  down.  Sis  Chloe  suttenly  does  look 
lak  she  was  de  Daughter  of  Sorrow  an'  took 
after  her  Pa,  Ole  Man  Trouble,  an7  her  voice 
when  she  talks  sounds  jes'  lak  cracked  ice 
tinklin'  ag'inst  de  sides  of  a  tear- jug,  an' 
makes  you  want  to  jine  in  an'  weep  wid  her 
widout  even  axin'  whar's  de  corpse.  Yassum, 
Sis  Chloe  sholy  am  a  gran'  mourner,  an'  dey 
do  say  dat  she's  dat  consistent  dat  she  wears 
cr&pe  underwear  an'  don't  drink  nothin'  but 
[  276  ] 


BLESSINGS     OP     TEOUBLE 

black  tea.  Howsomever,  seein'  dat  I  had  met 
up  wid  her,  becaze  she  seed  me  fust,  I  stopped 
to  pass  de  time  of  day  wid  her. 

"Well,  Sis  Chloe,"  says  I,  "how  does  yo' 
symptoms  seem  to  segasuate  dis  fine  bright 
mawnin'?" 

"I's  enjoyin'  po'  health,  Sis  Mirandy," 
she  says,  an'  her  voice  was  dat  mournful 
dat  you  could  have  cut  her  sorrows  wid  a 
knife. 

"  What  has  happened  to  you?  "  inquires  I. 
"  Is  you  done  lost  yo'  husban',  or  is  yo'  canary 
bird  got  de  pip?  " 

"  Oh,  Sis  Mirandy,"  she  'spons,  her  voice 
a  trimblin'  lak  a  bowl  of  calf 's-foot  jelly,  "  I's 
a  travelin'  through  de  low  grounds  of  trouble 
an'  tribulation.  Yas,  Sis  Mirandy,  de  hand  of 
de  Lawd  suttenly  am  laid  heavy  on  me.  My 
husban'  done  lost  his  job,  an'  my  baby's  tooken 
down  wid  de  measles,  an'  de  whoopin'-cough, 
an'  de  chicken-pox,  an'  my  oldest  boy's  done 
run  in  by  de  police,  an'  my  gal,  Elviry,  done 
eloped  wid  dat  bandy-laigged,  no  'count  Si 
Jones,  so  dat  we  got  a  son-in-law  to  suppo't, 
an'  I's  got  de  misery  in  my  side,  an'  de  rheu 
matics  in  my  left  shoulder,  an'  dere's  f o'  days' 
[  277  ] 


MIKANDY        EXHOETS 

dishes  piled  up  in  de  sink  at  home  waitin'  to 
be  washed." 

"  Bless  Gawd  for  all  His  mercies,"  says  I, 
"  for  you  sholy  is  a  lucky  woman." 

"Huccome  you  say  dat,  when  I's  marked 
for  sorrow?  "  she  axes  me. 

"Becaze,"  'spons  I,  "you's  got  somethin' 
to  worry  about  right  at  home  widout  havin' 
to  go  out  an'  hunt  for  hit,  an'  dat  saves  you 
lots  of  time  an'  trouble. 

"Yassum,"  I  goes  on,  "dem  women  sut- 
tenly  is  lucky  whut  has  got  a  real  live  griev 
ance  already  made,  instid  of  havin'  to  make  one 
for  demselves  out  of  whole  cloth.  Course  none 
of  us  ain't  gwine  to  be  happy — leastways  no 
woman  ain't — an'  ef  we  ain't  a-moanin'  an' 
a-groanin'  over  one  thing,  we's  a-weepin'  an' 
a-wailin'  over  anodder,  an'  so  you  might  jes' 
as  well  have  real  trouble  of  yo'  own  as  to  have 
to  go  out  an'  borrow  hit. 

"  I's  been  a  moseyin'  aroun'  dis  world  a 
good  many  yeahs,  an'  I  ain't  never  found  no 
happy  pusson  yit.  Dat  is,  I  ain't  found  no 
happy  woman.  I's  seed  a  good  many  mighty 
cheerful  men,  whut  was  fresh  widowers — an' 
bearin'  de  loss  of  deir  wives  wid  Christian 
[  278  ] 


BLESSINGS     OF     TEOUBLE 

resignation.  But  I  ain't  ever  met  no  woman 
dat  ain't  had  some  secret  sorrow  dat  she  tole 
to  ev'ybody,  an'  axed  'em  to  jine  in  deir  tears 
wid  hers.  Which  dey  did  ef  dey  was  women. 
For  women  is  a  lot  more  perseverin'  dan  men, 
an'  no  matter  how  you  fix  'em,  dey'll  hunt 
'roun'  till  dey  find  somethin'  to  be  miserable 
'bout. 

"Ef  dey's  ole  maids,  dey's  sorrowful  an' 
sad  becaze  dey  ain't  got  no  husbands,  an'  ef 
dey's  married,  dey's  unhappy  becaze  dey  ain't 
free  an'  is  tied  down  to  a  man.  Ef  dey's  got  a 
husban'  dat  beats  'em,  dey  calls  on  us  to 
lament  wid  'em  becaze  dey's  united  to  a  brute, 
an'  ef  dey's  got  husbands  whut's  good  an'  kind 
to  'em,  dey  complains  dat  hit's  sort  of  dull  to 
have  to  live  wid  a  man  whut  ain't  got  no 
sperrit.  Ef  dey  has  chillun,  dey's  always 
a-groanin'  about  havin'  to  walk  de  colic  instid 
of  gaddin'  'roun'  to  Saturday-night  balls,  an' 
ef  dey  ain't  got  no  chillun,  dey  moans  out 
dat  deir  hands  is  empty. 

"  Ef  dey's  got  a  job,  dey  think  dey  is  per 
secuted  becaze  dey  has  to  wuk  for  a  livin',  an' 
ef  dey  ain't  got  no  job,  dey  expects  to  be 
pitied  for  bein'  po',  onfortunate  critters  whut 
[  279  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOBTS 

can't  git  nothin'  to  do.  Ef  dey  ain't  got  no 
money,  dey's  miserable  for  fear  folks  won't  lak 
'em  becaze  dey's  po'?  an'  ef  dey's  rich,  dey's 
wretched  for  fear  people  will  lak  'em  becaze 
dey's  got  money. 

"  Yassum,  dat's  de  way  hit  goes  wid  women, 
an'  so  fur  as  I  can  see,  a  po',  sickly  woman, 
wid  a  drunken  husban'  an'  'leven  little  chillun 
to  suppo't,  is  jes'  as  well  off  as  a  rich  ole  maid 
wid  no  husban',  an'  no  troubles  to  bodder  her. 
Ef  she  ain't  got  no  real  sorrow,  she's  gwine  to 
hunt  'roun'  ontel  she  finds  somethin'  dat  she 
makes  believe  is  one,  so  she'd  jes'  as  well  have 
de  real  one  in  de  fust  place.  I  reckon  dat  de 
reason  dat  de  Lawd  sends  so  many  afflictions 
on  women  is  dat  He  des  got  discouraged  tryin' 
to  make  'em  happy,  an'  thought  dat  He'd  let 
'em  enjoy  bein'  miserable  in  deir  own  way. 

"  An'  yit  happiness  is  des  de  way  you  look 
at  a  thing.  Dere  ain't  no  thin'  in  dis  world 
dat  ain't  plum  full  of  both  misery  an'  fun,  an' 
you  can  take  whichever  one  of  'em  you  wants. 
Most  folks  takes  de  misery,  becaze  hit's  on  top 
an'  de  easiest  to  git  at,  but  ef  dey  look  under 
de  bottom,  dey  finds  out  dat  happiness  is  dere, 

too. 

[  280  ] 


BLESSINGS     OF     TKOUBLE 

"  One  time  one  of  dese  heah  oh-be-sorrow- 
ful-sisters  come  a-pityin'  me. 

" i  It  makes  me  weep/  says  she,  '  to  see  a 
pert,  smart  woman  lak  you  is  whut's  tied 
down  to  a  husban',  an'  can't  sashay  off  wid  us 
free  women  on  de  'scursion.' 

"  i  I  specs  de  'scursion  is  mighty  enjoyable/ 
I  'spons,  '  but  a  husban'  is  a  handy  thing  to 
have  aroun'  de  house,  specially  when  de  rent 
comes  due.7 

"  '  Hit's  a  pity/  she  goes  on,  <  dat  you  didn't 
marry  a  fine-lookin',  big  husban'  instid  of 
tyin'  up  wid  a  runty  little  man  lak  Br'er 
Ike.' 

" <  Oh,  I  don't  know/  ?spons  I,  '  de  wuss 
lookin'  a  husban',  de  less  reason  a  wife  has  to 
lay  awake  at  night  wonderin'  ef  somebody 
whut  is  younger  an'  spryer  dan  she  is  ain't 
gwine  to  tole  him  an'  his  pay  away  from  de 
home  fold/ 

" i  You  has  to  wuk  mighty  hard/  says  de 
woman  wid  a  sad  smile  dat  made  me  want  to 
heave  a  brick  at  her. 

" '  Dat  I  does/  says  I,  '  but  a  better  cook 
dan  I  is  never  passed  a  hand  over  de  pot,  an' 
de  wuk  keeps  me  well  an'  strong  so  dat  I  ain't 
[  281  ] 


MIBANBY        EXHORTS 

got  no  call  to  waste  any  money  on  de  doc 
tor.' 

"  '  I  see/  says  she,  a-squintin'  at  my  market 
basket,  'dat  you  ain't  got  nothin'  but  po'k- 
chops  for  Sunday  dinner,  while  Hannah 
Smith  done  got  chicken.' 

"  *  Dat's  a  fact,7  I  'spons,  *  but  bless  de 
Lamb,  dere  ain't  no  fedders  on  po'k-chops  an' 
I  don't  have  to  pick  'em.' 

"  An'  wid  dat  de  woman  went  on  her  way, 
an'  I  heard  dat  she  tole  Sis  Samanthy  dat  Sis 
Mirandy  didn't  have  enough  sense  to  know  dat 
she  was  havin'  a  hard  time  in  life. 

"  Yassum,  dat's  me.  I  ain't  out  huntin'  for 
things  to  worry  'bout,  an'  ef  Mr.  Trouble  gits 
me,  he'll  have  to  come  after  me,  sho'.  I  ain't 
gwine  half-way  to  meet  him.  But  most  women 
ain't  never  so  happy  as  when  dey's  miserable, 
an'  we  ain't  got  no  call  to  sympathize  wid  'em 
when  misfortune  gits  'em  by  de  scruff  of  de 
neck.  Dey  is  havin'  de  time  of  deir  lives  when 
dey's  got  some  trouble  dat  dey  can  prognosti 
cate  'bout,  an'  dat's  what  makes  me  say  whut 
I  do — dat  a  woman  dat's  got  a  real,  ready- 
made  sorrer  on  her  hand,  instid  of  havin'  to 
invent  one,  is  playin'  in  big  luck. 
[  282  ] 


BLESSINGS     OF     TBOUBLE 

"  Yassum,  I  guess  de  onhappiest  woman  in 
de  world  is  de  woman  widout  a  secret  sorrow 
dat  she  can  talk  'bout  all  de  time.  Only  dere 
ain't  no  sick  a  animal." 


[  283  ] 


WIDOWS 

Sis  SAIRY  ANN  is  one  of  dese  heah  onappro- 
priated  blessin's  whut  would  make  any  man  a 
good  wife,  an'  dat  ev'y  man  dat  knows  recom 
mends  to  ev'y  odder  man,  but  don't  grab  off 
for  hisself ,  an'  las'  night  she  come  to  my  house 
an'  she  ain't  mo'  dan  set  herself  down  com 
fortable  in  a  rockin' -chair  before  she  says  to 
me,  "  Sis  Mirandy,  is  you  done  heah  dat  de 
Widder  Johnsing  is  gwine  to  be  married 
agin?  " 

"  De  lan's  sakes !  "  sclaims  I.  "  You  don't 
say  so!  Marryin'  is  done  got  to  be  sech  a 
habit  wid  dat  woman  dat  she  can't  break  her 
self  of  hit,  fo'  dis  is  de  fo'th  man  she  done 
toled  to  de  altar." 

[  284  ] 


WIDOWS 

"  Dat's  right,"  'spons  Sis  Sairy  Ann,  gitting 
mo'  an'  mo'  mournfuller,  "an'  hit's  my  opinion 
dat  dere  ought  to  be  some  way  to  have  de  law 
on  dem  women  whut's  a-runnin'  a  matermo- 
nial  trust,  an'  a-snatchin'  de  weddin'  rings 
right  offen  our  hands,  so  to  speak,  an'  makin' 
hit  so  dat  no  matter  how  hard  an'  industrious 
us  po'  single  women  wuks  at  catchin'  a  hus- 
ban'  we  can't  git  one." 

"  Dat's  so,"  puts  in  Ma'y  Jane,  whut's  still 
a-roostin'  on  de  anxious  seat  outside  of  de 
fold  of  matermony,  "but  de  chu'ch  is  comin' 
to  our  help.  Yesterday  I  was  readin'  in  de 
paper  'bout  a  sermon  dat  a  priest  preached  to 
widders,  an'  he  tole  'em  as  how  no  woman 
ain't  got  a  right  to  have  two  husbands  when 
dere  are  some  of  her  sisters  dat  ain't  got  none, 
an'  he  admonished  'em  not  to  perk  deir 
caps  at  de  men,  but  to  go  a  way  back  an' 
set  down  ontil  all  de  gals  has  done  got  mar 
ried." 

"  Humph,"  says  I.  "  Dat  advice  listens  all 
right,  but  I  bet  you  ain't  gwine  to  see  no 
widder  take  hit." 

"  Whut  I  wants  to  know  is  how  dey  do  hit," 
'spons  Sis  Sairy  Ann  wid  a  groan. 
[  285  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

"Widders  is  suttenly  up-an'-comin'  folks/7 
says  Ma'y  Jane. 

"  Dere  ain't  no  odder  nation  of  people  dat's 
got  de  hustle  to  'em  dat  widders  is,"  'spons  I. 
"  Looks  lak  dere's  somethin'  in  losin'  de  part 
ner  of  yo'  bosom  dat  puts  pep  an'  ginger  into 
you.  Why,  wid  my  own  eyeballs  I's  done  seed 
a  woman  whut's  been  dat  puny  an'  sickly 
she  ain't  been  able  to  lift  her  han'  to  cook  a 
meal  'a'  vittals,  or  do  a  day's  washin'  for  ten 
yeahs,  an'  de  minnit  she  got  to  be  a  widder 
she  git  dat  filled  wid  git-up-an'-gitness  dat  she 
was  able  to  chase  down  a  able-bodied  man,  an' 
ketch  him." 

"Widders  sholy  is  dangerous,"  says  Ma'y 
Jane,  "  an'  ef  men  had  de  sense  dat  Gawd 
promised  a  fishin'-worm,  dey'd  run  ev'y  time 
dey  seed  one  of  dem  black  pirate  veils  bearin' 
down  on  'em." 

"  Shoo,  chile,"  says  I,  "  don't  you  look  for 
gumption  'bout  love  in  men,  for  ef  you  does, 
you's  gwine  to  be  disapp'inted.  De  Lawd 
didn't  give  men  no  sense  'bout  women,  which 
is  a  mighty  lucky  thing  for  women.  Good 
ness  knows,  hit's  hard  enough  to  git  a  husban' 
as  it  is,  an'  ef  men  warn't  as  blind  as  bats  an' 
[  286  ] 


WIDOWS 

dat  simple-minded  dat  a  gal  baby  can  fool  'em, 
dere  wouldn't  be  no  way  of  gittin'  'em  to  put 
deir  necks  in  de  matermonial  halter." 

"Well,"  'spons  Sis  Sairy  Ann,  "whutever 
de  secret  is  of  throwin'  dust  in  a  man's  eyes, 
widders  knows  hit,  an'  single  women  don't,  an' 
hit's  my  belief  dat  hit's  a  conjer,  for  widders 
ain't  no  better  lookin',  nor  no  slimmer,  nor  no 
spryer,  nor  no  better  cooks  dan  us  ole  maids. 
Yit  dey  can  marry  all  'roun'  us,  an'  git  fo'  hus 
bands  apiece,  whilst  de  balance  of  us  ain't  got 
none.  You  needn't  tell  me  dat  hit's  de  wid- 
der's  superior  charm.  Hit's  de  way  dey  wuks 
deir  rabbit-foot,  Hit's  de  conjer." 

"  Naw,  Sis  Sairy  Ann,"  says  I,  "  hit  ain't 
de  conjer.  Hit's  experience.  De  ole  maid  des 
guesses  at  whut  a  man  likes,  an'  how  to  please 
him,  but  de  woman  whut's  done  been  through 
de  trials  an'  tribulations  of  matermony  ain't 
takin'  no  long  shots  at  how  to  git  'roun'  a 
man,  an'  soft-soap  him,  an'  rub  his  fur  de  right 
way.  She  done  cut  her  wisdom-teeth  on  one 
husban',  an'  she  knows  whut  she's  'bout. 

"  Matermony  has  done  give  her  a  pint  cup 
by  which  to  measure  ev'y  odder  man  dat  comes 
her  way.  An'  dat's  whar  de  widder  wins  out. 
[  287  ] 


MIRANDY        EXHORTS 

She  don't  make  no  mistakes.  Hit's  de  differ 
ence  twixt  inakin'  a  cake  by  throwin'  in  de 
ingrediums,  Mt-or-miss,  an'  makin*  one  by  a 
rule  dat  don't  never  fail. 

"Now  a  young  gal  heah,  lak  Ma'y  Jane, 
when  she  wants  to  hand  out  a  line  of  talk  to 
a  man  dat'll  make  him  set  up  an'  listen  an' 
want  to  come  back  again,  converses  wid  him 
'bout  de  books  she's  been  a-readin',  an'  de 
state  of  his  soul,  an'  highfalutin  things  lak 
dat.  An'  de  man  gits  de  fidgets,  an'  most  goes 
to  sleep,  an'  when  he  shuts  de  front  do'  behin' 
him,  hit's  good  night  fer  him. 

"  But  bless  you,  honey,  a  widder  wouldn't 
have  nothin'  to  do  wid  foolishness  lak  dat. 
She  wouldn't  talk  to  a  man  'bout  his  soul. 
She'd  know  from  pussonal  observation  dat  a 
man  ain't  got  much  soul,  for  he's  mostly 
stomach,  an'  she'd  fill  him  up  on  fried 
chicken,  an'  chicken-fixings,  an'  he'd  be  back 
de  nex'  night.  Hit  ain't  high-browed  talk 
dat  makes  a  hit  wid  a  man.  Hit's  fust-class 
cookin'. 

"Anodder  reason  why  de  widder  can  al 
ways  cut  out  a  young  gal  is  becaze  de  gal  ex 
pects  a  man  always  to  be  a-handin'  out  com- 
[  288  ] 


WIDOWS 

pliments  to  her,  an'  tellin'  her  how  beautiful 
she  is,  an'  whut  a  gran'  figger  she  is  got,  an' 
dat  she  suttenly  does  perambulate  lak  a 
fashion-plate, 

"  Now  de  widder  has  done  found  out  from 
matermony  dat  a  man  takes  a  mighty  luke 
warm  interest  in  anybody  but  hisself,  an'  dat 
whilst  he  can  converse  'bout  hisself,  an'  his 
job,  an'  his  autoymobile,  an'  his  dog  to  de 
Judgment  Bay,  an'  have  a  puffectly  gran'  time 
doin'  hit,  hit  don't  take  him  long  to  git  all 
tired  an'  frazzled  out  talkin'  to  a  woman  'bout 
de  things  dat  she's  interested  in. 

"  Darfore  a  widder  kin'  of  waves  away  de 
flattery  when  a  man  begins  to  praise  her,  an' 
she  des  rolls  up  her  sleeves  an'  gits  busy 
handin'  out  de  soft  talk  to  de  man,  an'  tellin' 
him  'bout  how  big  an'  handsome,  an'  strong, 
an'  noble  he  is,  an'  whut  a  gran'  job  de  Lawd 
turned  out  when  He  made  him.  An'  dat  does 
de  trick.  A  gal  dat  is  tryin'  to  make  a  hit 
wid  a  man  sholy  does  turn  out  raw  wuk  when 
you  compars  hit  wid  de  perfessional,  polished 
performance  of  a  widder. 

"  Den  anodder  reason  why  men  prefers 
widders  is  becaze  a  man  says  to  hisself  dat 
[  289  1 


M    I    R   A   N   D    Y        EXHORTS 

de  widder  is  broke  to  double  harness,  an'  dat 
ef  he  marries  one,  he's  gwine  to  save  hisself 
all  de  trouble  of  teachin'  a  skittish,  gal  not  to 
shy  at  ev'y  bugaboo  in  married  life,  or  a  balky 
one  not  to  git  stubborn  an'  refuse  to  pull  ev'y 
time  she  gits  riled  'bout  somethin'  dat  don't 
please  her,  or  makin'  one  dat's  inclined  to  bolt 
stay  in  de  middle  of  de  road.  Yassum,  a  man 
says  to  hisself  dat  some  odder  man  has  done 
fit  all  dem  matermonial  fights  out  wid  de 
widder,  an'  he  won't  have  to  have  de  bother  of 
doin'  hit  ef  he  marries  her,  an'  so  dat's  why 
he  ups  an'  pops  de  question. 

"An'  he's  right.  A  widder  is  used  to  puttin' 
up  wid  de  cantankerousness  of  a  husban',  an' 
she  don't  expect  a  man  to  be  de  pin-feathered 
angel  an'  romantical  hero,  rolled  into  one,  dat 
a  young  gal  thinks  she's  gittin'  when  she  gits 
married.  An'  a  widder  is  a  lots  more  peace 
able  wife  dan  a  young  gal  is.  When  her  hus- 
ban'  don't  git  home  of  an  evenin'  on  time,  she 
don't  have  de  high  strikes,  an'  whilst  she  may 
meet  him  wid  de  stove  lifter  in  one  hand  an' 
de  poker  in  de  odder,  after  de  family  ruction 
is  over,  she'll  put  him  to  bed,  an'  put  wet 
cloths  on  his  haid  in  place  of  washin'  him 
[  290  ] 


WIDOWS 

way  wid  a  flood  of  tears,  an7  de  threat  dat 
she'll  go  back  home  to  her  maw  or  go  to  co't 
an'  git  a  divorsch. 

"  An?  dat  ends  de  matter,  for  widders  is 
done  found  out  dat  a  man  can  do  a  lot  of  side- 
steppin'  an'  still  be  a  mighty  good  proposition 
to  tie  to.  Furdermo'  a  widder  dat  marries  a 
man  don't  worry  an'  nag  him  none  'bout 
wantin'  to  know  whedder  he  loves  her  or  not 
as  long  as  he  brings  home  his  wages.  An'  mo' 
dan  dat,  mos'  women  kills  off  deir  fust  hus- 
ban's  learnin'  to  cook,  an'  so  de  man  whut 
marries  a  widder  saves  hisself  from  gittin' 
dyspepsy.  I  tell  you  dat  widders  is  a  gran' 
matermonial  risk,  an'  I  don't  blame  no  man 
for  marryin'  one." 

"  I  don't  see  whut  widders  want  to  marry 
agin  for,"  says  Ma'y  Jane.  "Looks  lak  a 
woman  whut's  done  had  one  husban',  an'  in 
surance  money,  ought  to  be  saterfied,  an'  give 
some  sister  woman  a  chanst." 

"  Well,"  'spons  I,  "  I  specs  widders  an' 
widowers  both  marry  agin  for  de  same  reason, 
an'  dat  is  becaze  hit's  kin'  of  lonesome  not  to 
have  nobody  to  knock  yo'  faults  an'  quarrel 
wid  when  you  has  been  used  to  dat  diversion. 
[  291  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHORTS 

Hit  sort  of  takes  de  spice  out  of  doin'  any 
thing  not  to  have  nobody  object  to  hit,  nor 
fight  wid  you  over  hit.  You  misses  yo'  spar- 
rin'  partner,  an7  you  can't  be  happy  ontel  you 
gits  anodder  one." 

"  De  Good  Book  commands  us  to  wipe  away 
de  tears  from  de  widder's  eyes,"  says  my  ole 
man  Ike,  whut  had  been  a-listenin'  to  de  con 
fabulation. 

"  Well,"  'spons  I,  "  I  reckon  dat's  *bout  de 
mos'  dangerousest  job  dat  any  man  ever  on- 
dertook,  an7  don't  you  dast  try  hit  when  I's 
dead  an'  gone." 


[  292  ] 


KNOCKING  YOUR  IN-LAWS 

DE  odder  night  I  took  my  foot  in  my  hand 
an'  meandered  over  to  see  Sis  Henrietta,  an' 
we  was  passin'  a  pleasant  evenin'  togedder, 
a-scandalisin'  de  neighbors,  when  her  gal, 
Willa,  which  is  de  short  for  her  full  name 
which  is  I-  Will-  Arise-  An'-Go-To-My-Father, 
drapped  in  to  see  her  Ma. 

Co'se  Sis  Henrietta  is  mighty  pleased  to  see 
her,  an'  axes  her  how  all  her  folks  is,  an'  how 
de  chillun  is  gittin'  along  at  school,  an'  how 
de  baby  is  comin'  on  wid  his  teeth,  an'  den  she 
heaves  a  sigh  an'  inquires  about  Ben,  which 
am  Willa's  husban'  an'  a  boss  carpenter. 

"  I  hardly  dast  ax  about  him,  dough,"  she 
says,  "for  fear  I'll  hear  dat  he  is  done  kilt 
hisself." 

"  De  lan's  sake,  Ma,"  sclaims  Willa,  "  what 
[  293  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

makes  you  talk  dat  way?  Why,  Ben  ain't  got 
no  mo7  idee  of  committin'  susancied  dan  you 
is.  Dere's  too  many  good  eats  left  in  de  world 
for  Ben  to  be  in  a  hurry  to  go  where  dere  ain't 
nothin'  to  set  yo?  tooth  in,  'scusin'  maybe 
angel  food,  what  ain't  got  no  subjance  in  hit 
for  a  hearty  stomach." 

"  Maybe  so,"  says  Sis  Henrietta,  "  but  mark 
my  words,  Ben  is  a-diggin'  his  grave  wid  his 
teeth." 

"Shoo,"  'spons  Willa,  wid  dat  little  fat 
laugh  dat  a  woman  gives  when  she  has  got  de 
man  she  wants,  an'  des  enjoys  pomperin7  him, 
"  shoo,  Ma,  Ben  will  still  be  a-diggin'  his  grave 
when  dem  vegetablers,  what  jes'  gnaws  lak  a 
rabbit  on  a  little  green  truck,  is  been  a 
moulderin'  in  dere's  fo'  twenty  years.  Any 
way,  I  laks  a  man  whut  takes  an  interest  in 
his  vittels,  an'  des  smiles  all  over  hisself,  an' 
tells  you  dat  you  is  de  yaller  rose  of  Texas 
when  you  sets  a  dish  of  chicken  fixin's  befo7 
him. 

"  Furdermo',  a  woman  whut  is  married  to  a 

man  whut  loves  to  eat  ain't  got  no  cause  to 

worry  about  vamps,  fo'  she's  got  a  way  to 

conjer  him  dat  never  fails.    After  a  while  I'll 

[  294  ] 


KNOCKING     YOUR     IN-LAWS 

get  ole,  an'  grizzle-headed,  an'  fat,  an'  if  de 
only  hold  I  had  on  Ben  was  my  looks,  maybe 
he'd  pass  me  up  for  some  slim  hussy  dat  was 
young  enough  to  be  my  daughter,  but  dere 
ain't  nothin'  gwine  take  away  from  me  my 
gift  wid  de  pots  an'  pans,  an'  as  long  as  dere 
is  a  cook-stove  left  in  de  world,  I's  got  a  charm 
dat  ain't  never  gwine  to  pall  on  Ben,  an7  I 
ain't  nowise  afraid  of  his  leavin'  me  for  none 
of  dem  sirens  dat  he  knows  would  pisen  him 
wid  deir  cookin'." 

"  Ben  suttenly  is  gittin'  dat  baywindowed 
he  looks  lak  a  barrel  on  skids,"  says  Sis  Hen 
rietta. 

"He  suits  my  taste,"  'spons  Willa,  "dem 
Komin  Ohs  dat  looks  lak  livin'  skeletons, 
never  did  make  no  hit  wid  me.  I  admires  a 
pussonable  gennleman  whut  looks  lak  he  made 
enough  money  to  feed  hisself,  an'  don't  go 
about  wid  de  pearance  of  a  starved  houn' 
dog." 

"  Did  you  buy  dat  beaded  Georgy  waist  dat 
you  was  a-lookin'  at  de  odder  day?  "  axes  Sis 
Henrietta. 

"Nawm,"  says  Willa,  "des  as  I  got  de 
money  done  saved  up  for  hit  de  twinses  needed 
[  295  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOBTS 

shoes,  an'  I  had  to  git  little  Gamaliel  Hardin' 
Coolidge  Herbert  Hoover  a  go-cart,  an'  so  I 
kinder  figgered  hit  out  dat  I  didn't  need  that 
Georgy  waist,  nohow." 

"Huh,"  'spons  Sis  Henrietta,  "I  ain't 
sayin'  nothin'  ag'inst  Ben,  whut  am  a  good 
man,  dough  he  ain't  no  shakes  as  a  money 
maker,  but  ef  you  had  had  enough  sense  to 
have  married  Si  Smith  you  would  been  diked 
out  in  beads  ontel  you  rattled  as  you  walked, 
an7  lakwise  had  a  noughtobobile,  an'  money 
to  burn,  instid  of  slavin'  yo'se'f  to  death  for  a 
husban',  an'  a  passel  of  chillun,  an'  bein'  a 
nickel  nusser." 

"  I's  saterfied  wid  Ben.  He  was  my  pick, 
an'  I  still  laks  my  taste,"  'spons  Willa,  an' 
den  she  says  she  must  be  gwine  along  home, 
an'  she  kisses  her  Ma  good-bye,  but  I  done 
took  notice  dat  whilst  she  comes  in  laughin' 
an'  gay,  she  goes  out  kinder  low  in  her 
min',  an'  lak  somethin'  is  bitter  in  her 
mouth,  an'  dat  all  of  de  pep  is  done  gone  out 
of  her. 

Pretty  soon  here  comes  'long  Sis  Henrietta's 
son  Jeems,  an'  she  axes  him  how  dey  is  all 
gittin'  along,  an'  he  says  fine,  an'  she  says  she 
[  296  ] 


KNOCKING     YOUE     IN-LAWS 

suttenly  is  s'prised  to  liear  hit,  becaze  de  way 
his  wife,  Sally,  gads  about  hit  looks  lak  she'd 
be  wo'  to  a  plumb  frazzle.  And  den  she  'low 
dat  a  woman's  place  is  de  home,  an'  she  had 
oughter  stay  in  hit,  instid  of  traipsin'  'roun' 
to  de  movies  an'  bargain  sales. 

"A  man  oughter  boss  his  wife,"  says  Sis 
Henrietta,  "  an'  Sally  is  dat  high  sperited  dat 
she'll  henpeck  you  if  you  don't  watch  out." 

"  I  never  noticed  hit  befo',"  'spons  Jeems, 
"  but  now  dat  you  calls  my  attention  to  hit  I 
misdoubts  dat  Sally  don't  ax  my  advice  as 
much  as  she  had  oughter,  bein'  as  how  I  am 
de  haid  of  de  house." 

"  Young  women  dese  days  is  mighty  flighty 
and  deir  husbands  should  keep  an  eye  on  'em," 
goes  on  Sis  Henrietta.  "  I  ain't  hintin' 
nothin'  bad  on  Sally's  character,  but  huccome 
I  see  her  stop  an'  speak  to  dat  triflin'  Sim 
Eeeves  dat  ev'ybody  knows  was  crazy  to 
marry  her,  an'  dat  you  cut  out?  Furdermo', 
hit  looks  lak  dat  she  is  a-wastin'  yo'  money 
a-buyin'  dese  heah  high-water  skirts,  an' 
sportin'  hats,  instid  of  wearin'  her  ole  clothes, 
an'  I  mo'  dan  s'picions  dat  she  don't  peel  her 
potato  parin's  as  thin  as  she  had  oughter." 
[  297  ] 


MIBANDY        EXHORTS 

"Why,  Ma,"  sclaims  Jeems,  "you  s'prises 
me!  I  thought  dat  Sally  was  a  master  man 
ager,  becaze  we's  a-savin'  money,  an'  I  give  her 
credit  for  bein'  sort  of  a  miracle  worker  dat 
made  a  mighty  big  show  on  mighty  little 
money.  But,  co'se,  a  man  don't  know  about 
dese  things  lak  a  woman  does,  an'  if  you  says 
dat  Sally  is  a  traipsin'  aroun'  too  much,  an'  a 
wastin'  my  hard-earned  money,  I  suttenly  is 
gwine  to  put  de  crimps  on  her  spendin'  an'  lay 
down  de  law  to  her." 

An'  wid  dat  Jeems  grabbed  his  hat  an'  lit 
out  for  home  to  have  a  row  wid  Sally,  an'  after 
lie  had  gone  I  said,  des  as  sweet  as  pie : 

"  Well,  Sis  Henrietta,  ma'am,  you  suttenly 
is  got  yo'  wuk  cut  out  for  you." 

"  What  wuk?  "  she  axes. 

"  Takin'  keer  of  Willa's  and  Jeems's  chillen 
after  deir  Ma  an'  Pa  gits  deir  divorsches,"  I 
'spons. 

"Divorsches,"  cries  Sis  Henrietta,  "why, 
Sis  Mirandy,  you  knows  dat  I  is  de  President 
of  de  Anti-Divorsch  League,  an'  mo'over,  I  is 
a  Christian  woman  whut  believes  dat  de  holy 
estate  is  holy,  an'  dat  dem  whut  enters  into 
Mt  is  bound  to  stay  dere  for  better  or  wusser." 
[  298  ] 


KNOCKING     YOUR     IN-LAWS 

"  Why,  I  thought  dat  you  was  boostin'  for 
Reno,"  sclaims  I,  "  an'  dat  you  was  tryin'  to 
egg  on  yo'  chillen  to  de  divorsch  court,  for  I 
done  set  here  an'  see  you  rub  ev'y  bit  of  de 
gilt  off  de  gingerbread  of  matermony  for  Willa 
an'  Jeems,  an'  show  'em  how  dey  done  got 
tooken  in,  an'  sold  a  gold  brick  when  dey  got 
married,  an'  ef  you  is  ever  found  anythin'  dat 
will  make  a  pusson  sicker  of  de  holy  estate 
dan  dat,  you  is  out  travelled  me." 

"  I  lay  I  can  say  whut  I  please  to  my  own 
son  an'  daughter  about  deir  wife  an'  husban'," 
says  Sis  Henrietta  in  a  huff. 

"  Dat  you  can't,"  I  'spons,  "  onless  you  is 
honin'  to  bust  up  a  home.  I  ain't  sayin'  dat 
matermony  ain't  lak  buyin'  a  pig  in  a  poke, 
for  hit  is,  but  when  folks  is  done  got  deir  bar 
gain  and  took  hit  home,  whut  is  de  good  of 
p'intin'  out  all  de  defects  in  hit,  an'  makin' 
'em  dissatisfied  wid  hit? 

"  An'  dat  is  where  mothers  git  in  deir  deadly 
wuk.  I's  a-givin'  you  de  true  word,  Sis  Hen 
rietta,  when  I  says  dat  de  fust  time  dat  mos' 
men  ever  finds  out  deir  wives  is  extravagant, 
an'  lazy,  an'  gads  too  much,  is  when  deir  Ma 
calls  deir  attentions  to  de  fact,  an'  dat  de  fust 
[  299  ] 


MIEANDY        EXHOETS 

s'picion  dat  mos'  brides  have  of  deir  husbands 
is  when  deir  Mas  begins  tellin'  'em  dat  hit's 
mighty  curis  dat  deir  husbands  gits  home  so 
late  at  night  from  wuk." 

"  I  reckon  you  is  right,  Sis  Mirandy," 
?spons  Sis  Henrietta. 

"  I  know  I  is,"  I  says.  "  Co'se  I  know  dat 
knockin'  a  in-law  is  de  favorite  indoor  sport 
of  women  wid  married  chillen,  but  de  safe 
time  to  play  hit  is  befo'  de  weddin'.  Use  de 
hammer  all  you  lak  den  on  de  ones  yo'  chillen 
is  gwine  to  tie  up  wid,  but  after  dey  is  got 
'em  for  keeps,  git  busy  wid  de  salve  spreader, 
an'  make  yo'  son  and  daughter  think  dey  is 
done  got  de  paregorics  of  de  whole  lot  of  hus 
bands  and  wives." 


[  300  ] 


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LIBRARY,  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA,  DAVIS 

Book  Slip-50m-8,'66(G5530s4)458 


N9  521001 


PS3513 

Gilmer,  E.M.  1635 

Mirandy  exhorts.       M54 


LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
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